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Bolt_On

Senior Member
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About Bolt_On

  • Rank
    Senior Member

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    USA
  • Interests
    Playing guitar/bass/keyboard, heavy metal, power pop, garage rock, D.I.Y. recording, writing poetry, horror movies, science fiction novels, singing, documentaries, comic books and psychology.

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  1. I'll bring up depersonalization next time I see my therapist. It's something I've been wondering about for awhile, because I've felt distant for a long time, even to some extent before either of the rapes happened. I had loveless childhood, so maybe that is part of this. It was a more consistent thing after the traumatic events happened though. That feeling or lack there of, is one of the hardest things to deal with because so many things feel pointless and lack luster. I'd like to write more but my brain is a wreck. Going through a tough breakup and a new job I hate on top of all this s***. I want to take a year off and only worry about therapy, along with reducing the amount of stress in my life for awhile. Sadly, it's not realistic and I have to work myself to death.
  2. That's disheartening to hear. I want to overcome PTSD so bad, it's infects every part of life relentlessly. Friendships, relationships especially, family, work, even just daily stuff like doing dishes is hard to deal with and it's so dumb. My therapist is convinced I can get better and get to a point where my symptoms are mild or non-existent if I believe it is possible while working towards that. Yet, everyone I've talked to with PTSD has had it for years and doesn't ever go away.
  3. Everything feels so far away, unimportant or overwhelming to the point of hopelessness. I desperately wish I could feel closeness with other people, but at the same time it's like I don't care if anyone is by my side anymore. Seems like after I got raped the second time, along with being manipulated by a roommate into doing uncomfortable sexual things with her, everything in me died. Friends stopped feeling important, excitement over anything vanished, my interests don't feel so interesting anymore, obsessed over my physical appearance, feel tainted/unworthy of love and my romantic relationships fall apart because I don't know how to fell close anymore or I'm terrified my partner will hurt me in some manner. Falling asleep is a struggle almost every night. My sense self is lacking much more than before. Sometimes I'm completely unsure of my sexuality or feel utterly ashamed about who I like. Not a day goes by where I don't think about what's happened. Drink and drugs allowed me to continue to have a "normal" social life for awhile, then after a few years it started making my mental and physical problems much worse, so I gave it up. Now I just have to face my destroyed life, day in and day out, all blurring together with a painful longing for things to have been different than they were. Flashbacks and intrusive thoughts make certain that suffering is not ever forgotten. I don't know if I'm capable of being connected with life anymore and it's absolutely horrifying. If life has to feel this way until i'm old, it doesn't really seem all that worth it to keep pushing on, trying to grasp bits of what others see. Therapy has helped to some extent with being more social, but that feeling of distance from the world won't go away. I have no idea what to do anymore...
  4. I've been diagnosed with depression, social anxiety and PTSD. While it hurt to have a doctor tell me I have serious mental health issues, having someone else acknowledge that I have actual problems instead of shrugging it off as being overly-emotional or weak is nice. Also, having a diagnosis was a starting point for me to seek help instead of trying dull everything I felt with alcohol and drugs.
  5. Going to clean the apartment a bit, then hang out with my friends to play DnD and joke around.
  6. Funny you say that, because I actually use iPhone notes a lot too. Then I forget to check those as well
  7. Like the title of the post says, is there anyway memory loss can be countered when it comes to PTSD? My girlfriend will tell me things through out the week repeatedly and I can never remember what they were or I forget to pay bills. Not surprisingly, it causes relationship issues because I can't remember very basic things.
  8. Yeah, seems quite normal to me. I have anxiety and PTSD, I get those scary thoughts often. Try focusing your attention on something else, preferable an activity that requires lots of brain power. Art, music, reading, putting in extra effort at work, socializing with close friends/family or indulging in some hobby you hold dear.
  9. I can relate to this a lot, as I currently have been confiding in friends/my thereapist more so I don't burden my partner further than I already feel like I do.
  10. I'd like to hear other people's experiences and if it made their own depression worse or found that it's something worth working at.
  11. I beat Dark Souls for the first time about a week ago, so I immediately started up another file to play again! :D Also been playing Path of Exile quite a bit too.
  12. I agree with max. Definitely try online dating, most sites allow you to specify your search so you can find other lesbians.
  13. It could be that they think you don't like them. Even though it's a crappy thing to do, I've disappeared out of other's lives because I thought they didn't like me for whatever reason.
  14. Woah, this new layout is going to take some getting used to.

  15. I agree with Teddy. I use to cut a lot a few years ago and occasionally still do, so I can say from experience that it's really uncomfortable to have people ask about it even if I them well.
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