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mariexx4498xx

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  1. Please help me. Nothing has changed for the better since my last post. I have only gotten number and dumber. I'm actually about to fail two of my classes right now although I've really been trying to revise for the past couple of weeks. But my brain has become a pile of rubbish. My grades have dropped so significantly that right now, I'm trying to just do what I can to not be held back this year. I feel like my brain cannot process the information taken in anymore, and I purposely try to not think too deeply so I won't notice how stupid I've actually become. I have trouble accomplishing even the most simple tasks, and I have lost a significant chunk of my vocabulary, and also, my memory had gotten so extremely bad it's embarrassing; I don't even remember what I did yesterday. I feel like in infant, and I used to be in Gifted and Talented classes for the majority of my school career. My teachers gave begun advising me to see a psychiatrist, but my parents think it's just a phase, and, quite frankly, I'm happy I don't have to be confronted with the problems that lead to my misery. Also, my current state has made me lose all my friends. I haven't invited anyone over for at least half a year or so, as I simply cannot deal with them. I feel like I'm the only person in the world who has these problems, even if I know this isn't true. But when I look at all the other people in my school, I see that they don't worry about their future every single day or cry themselves to sleep at night. I see their happy, careless faces. I'm miserable, I'm numb, and I'm lonely, but then again I feel like this is my own fault. My parents never gave a crap about me, but I've dealt with it all my live so this really isn't all that significant. My mom is barely home, she's mostly out with her friends or in some other country. I see my dad about once every other week if I'm lucky. My housekeeper whom I'm with 24/7 really doesn't care either, as long as I don't make a mess or annoy her. I frankly only have my dog. I don't know what it is that makes me so miserable, but in the past couple of days and weeks I've just wanted to not live anymore. I experience no feelings of pleasure or love at all. I feel like a stupid dead piece of meat. I want to be happy and free from all my worries so badly, but maybe I'm just destined to be miserable until the rest of my life. Whatever it is that I do, it always seems to go wrong. I'm failing my classes, I've lost my friends, I've gained 20 pounds, I'm lonely. And I'm only fifteen. I feel so lost although I know it's my own responsibility to change it. I could just go out and socialize but I deliberately choose not to. If I studied hard enough, I wouldn't be failing my classes right now. I know I should just "get out of it" (that's what my parents say) but it seems like my brain isn't letting me. I hate myself for it. But the depression won't go away. I feel so lost. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I can't stand being numb, and I can't stand seeing people happy and without any worries. I want to understand them but I can't. And I used to be one of those people. I'm not myself anymore. I'm a wreck. Please help me.
  2. Thank you for all your help, you have no idea how good it feels to have people build you up and support you when stuck in a crisis like this. A support group is a good idea, I think I will look for one in my area. Marie
  3. Thank you all so much for your help. I really appreciate it and will try to follow you advice, I really, really want to get better. Living with depression is not a real life, and all three of you can probably relate. Marie
  4. I'm not a psychiatrist of any kind, so I might not be able to help you on here professionally. But I just want to tell you that I can relate to the pain. I can relate to that feeling where you sometimes just want to end it all because it has become too unbearable. Know that there are always going to be people around you who care. This is probably not going to be a big help, but know that you are more loved than you think, and you are so much greater and are able to accomplish better things than you perceive. Take all that energy stored in pain and try to direct it towards something important to you. Pick up as much love around you as you can, it's everywhere and there's more of it than you think. It's here for people like us and it's perpetual and unconditional. Accept people trying to help and save you, try to hold on to the people worthy of your pure heart and never let them go again. Everyone has the potential to be happy, and happiness is what I wish you with all my heart. You can do this.
  5. I've been depressed for the last year or so, but only recently did it start to significantly interfere with my school life. I've managed to suppress this notion of not bothering, of not having the motivation or simply the energy to do my school work, but now I feel like I've been crashing hard for the last couple of weeks. I've been missing assignment after assignment recently, and if I did manage to sit myself down to do what I was supposed to, it was the night before the due date and the final products have been turned in mostly incomplete or sloppy and done without much care. I'm noticing similar outcomes regarding my exams. My grades are dropping extremely fast, as I now suddenly am not able to finish my tests on time, and also, revising has become nearly impossible for me. My straight As have been turning into Bs and Cs, right now I'm also still in the Gifted and Talented program but I suddenly feel so overwhelmed with all these things that were nothing more than a bagatelle for me a couple of months ago. My favourite teacher talked to me two weeks ago, as she was sensing that there was something seriously wrong with me, but I simply couldn't open up to her, which, thinking about it now, feels like a miracle to me; we've always had a great relationship and could talk about anything. Everyone knows me as the witty girl with the happy-go-lucky attitude and I feel like I have to keep up the facade. I don't want people to know what's happening inside, I want them to see me as the girl I've once been, so at least they think I'm going to have a successful, happy life. Therefore, my world collapsed a little on the day my teacher talked to me; not even my parents noticed a thing. The worst part of my situation is that it feels like my mental capability has been greatly reduced, it's like I can't think anymore. When I try to, my head feels like my brain has been replaced by a cotton ball. My vocabulary has in my opinion significantly degraded, and so have my mathematical skills, as well as my ability to make witty, intelligent comments and interpret deep and profound meanings of literature and movies. Also, I now tend to need a long time to understand concepts in the manner as deep as I used to. I'm an absolute wreck, I feel awful, especially when I'm around the people I love the most. I used to cry a lot and let my emotions out, but now there's nothing left. I've turned into an emotionless, stupid, and dull monster. I feel like I'm dead inside, it's only my silhouette that's still intact. Right now I'm sitting here, trying to find a way to finish my German assignment due tomorrow (I didn't even start yet although I nearly had a month of time). I know that if I'm not going to do something, I'm going to fall deeper and deeper, and I'm probably going to be homeless someday, as I was too unintelligent to finish school and go to university. There's no motivation left inside my body, but there's still some place deep in there, where I know I need to get back on track and do something about the habits I have attained regarding school. But the depression always wins. What can I do to stop this? I don't want to see a therapist, as I don't want my parents to know about what's happening. I don't want them to be concerned; they have enough problems they need to deal with. I just want my old self back. I want to be happy. Why did my depression take the thing most sacred to me, why did it take my brain? Help me please, I feel so lost. Thank you for your help. I'm sorry if you might detect some grammatical errors by the way, English is not my first language.
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