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Pea Sized Hail

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  1. It's not just restaurant food. It's everything. I don't think I have trouble breathing, nor am I taking medication. It's just for some reason everything became bland.
  2. If the sun stopped rising, it won't be long before the earth turns into an iceball.
  3. They just have this mild, fatty flavor that is bland and lifeless. :(
  4. My social development was actually stunted, I just have no idea on how to respond in regards to certain topics, due to inexperience in many areas of life. And my social anxiety and depression combine to make it so I don't really know how to relax and have fun. And I don't really know how to interpret body language and tone of voice. ...Let's not get into my dealing with the opposite gender either, last time I tried to approach someone and ask them out, I failed miserably and saw their discomfort.
  5. If only my life was better and I had enough social skills to talk about my better life. Depression left me no humor, and my depressing life gave me no happy stuff to talk about.
  6. Get well again, eh? I wonder when "again" will be... I often feel as if I've been robbed of the essence of life
  7. Pea Sized Hail

    March 15

    Yea, meditation is pretty therapeutic. I like to do a form of relaxation meditation, where you are so relaxed, it feels as if you were numb and you feel your blood flowing everywhere.
  8. I am constantly feeling physically ill, as if I ate something bad. In addition I constantly feel this desperation for affection and the desire to be hugged, lovesick, for the lack of a better word. I also constantly feel like bursting into tears, and have to suffer from the discomfort of holding them in. Even attempting to smile feels as if I am trying to lift a heavy weight in the gym. I have been told that this is all in my head, but I just don't have any idea how to get it out.
  9. Being unmotivated is the worst part of depression, besides the negative thoughts.
  10. Pea Sized Hail

    Cipralex Day 2

    Every time I take medication, there is always a noticeable side-effect...
  11. When I was growing up, I was bullied both at home and at school. To cope with that, I just shut off from society, since I just didn't see any good in it. In addition, any time I acted on a desire, for friends, I was rejected by any attempts, including college. I know people don't want to hang around miserable people, but that knowledge doesn't stop my desire for friends. I don't know any social skills. I can't really discuss anything in my miserable life and while I am well-read in certain topics (such as politics and weather) and speak multiple languages, I can't really offer anything entertaining. I lack confidence, a sense of humor (I do find certain things funny in comedy shows, though), and don't even get me started on my lack of ability to charm women. I also get jumpy when people touch me on the shoulder, I am not good at reading body language or making people comfortable, I have trouble laughing around other people, I can't smile genuinely easily. I'm an utter failure at being social, except maybe for my manners.
  12. There is a censor in place, eh? Well, that's for the best, after thinking about it.
  13. "**** yourself." That's what some have said to me at my darkest of times. It is not really a nice thing to hear as someone severely depressed. For most of the way my tunnel was strong enough to hold up in spite of such people. However at a certain point the tunnel was very weak by itself and looked as if it was about to cave in. Fortunately, I walked passed that point and I consider myself fortunate. I want to really shout at these people, because what they did was inappropriate. Are these people monsters? ------------- Are my step-father and mother monsters? Does my half-sibling know about it if they are? One thing I am unsure, happy, and angry about is the different treatment of my half-sibling. I am not entirely sure if it's different, I'm angry about how I've been treated, but I'd be both happy and jealous if treatment turned out to be better. That said, I really don't know what to do if things turn out the same or worse. Unfortunately, and I hate myself for being this selfish, I'd be a coward if it came to this sort of conflict. Also to be mentioned, while from the outside things look, umm, better, I don't have a clue. That said, I regret heavily of not being the perfect child, maybe I would have had a much better life. There are children out there that were more close to perfect than me. That said, my parents weren't perfect either, with one of them being a violent alcoholic and another one just watching from the side lines. But I can only blame myself for not being perfect, since I am the only person I have control of. I wish I knew things back then what I know now. One thing I often wonder about is if this depression can simply be attributed to the fact that I am not my step-father's son. ---------------- Another thing that heavily depresses me is the reading material I came across. Supposedly people that have been abused are likely to become abusers. Supposedly the way parents have disciplined their children will be the same way said children will discipline their children. I've always wanted to be a part of a happy family for as long as I've been depressed and abused, but this stuff is making me fearful and doubtful. I would not wish my upbringing on a child, since it's far from a good one. There is free will, but the grip of the subconscious on the individual is very powerful. Thanks for letting me get these thoughts off my chest. ----------- That said, forums that have posts of people telling others to **** themselves should be better moderated. That's why I left such forum for this place....
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