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db0002

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Everything posted by db0002

  1. I BELIEVE IN YOU! I battle loneliness and know how hard it is when you think the only person on the planet is you. It's a barren and miserable existence. Atleast you have some momentum pushing you, I don't have that much. GL and TC
  2. You isolate because you are afraid that your presence will mess everything up, or you don't trust yourself to say/do that right things. That's why I do it anyway, that and I am so unhappy that I'll **** everyones good vide
  3. In high school, I never made friends. I feel I was brainwashed from rock and roll and trying to live an archetype personality i.e. the rock n roller, and it has gotten me nowhere, just a road of self destruction and misery for everyone around me. I feel sorry for the people that have to put up with me, an attitude that is holding me back, I have to work on that. In school, I couldn't study or concentrate because I was pre-occupied with what was in my mind and not happening around me. I live in my head, not in the real world and MY HEAD is not the world. I just want a harmonious life, a family, a couple of kids, a job, just something to balance this craziness. I feel as though I have the behavioral norms of a 16 year old while on the internet/forums I have a very clear way of speaking, this is not so in real life. I had a studder when I was younger and think I still have it and that stigma has caused me to withdrawal into myself. But at the same time I'm reaching out for a real person/friend to share some happiness with.
  4. Thank you a lot Melvyn. My perceptions of who I am, who people are and what the world is is very very misconstrued...Isolation has made me form assumptions of everything i.e. people are evil, life isn't fair, negative outweighs the positive etc... I am just negative and judgemental to an EXTREME. I feel like I have the voice of a dictator inside my head, like the voice of G-d himself yelling at me for not doing it right, just an extremely guilty conscience. I'm faced with having to change and am seeing clear bits of light through the dark wall of my depression. Through the years I have set limiations on myself and have to work by taking them down, I just have no respect for myself and honestly hate me for what I am. Not being social or having a peer group is really hurting me, lonliness hurts, I feel like I have a broken heart (disease) and if I don't make changes fast enough, I am going to fall behind in this world (of competition), I feel I already have. I will surely post more here because I am manic about positing in forums HAHA
  5. My parents don't seem to care that I just live here. I'd like to have a job but I'm so paranoid from isolation that social task's come with confusion. I'd like to blame them for making me this way, not teaching me that life is hard and to be tough. They just assumed that with love I'll carry on. They are charismatic people but I did not reciprocate their demeanors as a child and now as an adult I would like to identify with such a personality but I'm so flat that breaking out of my melancholy is anxiety inducing and a lot of work. I know I have a long way to go to be "normal". I feel like a failing member of society. 25, not paying taxes, unable to make friends, can't carry conversations. I'm intelligent enough to realize that what I am doing is wrong, but in another way I feel autistic or something. Just the same thing, day in/day out. It pushes me further in to this cycle that I have carved out for myself.
  6. Why do I always want to be alone? I want to open up a little bit but I've been like this for while. I'm scared of changing.
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