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creakingcastle

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  1. Uh hi...this is my first post here. I'm female, turning 18 soon. I've been struggling with depression since I was around 10 years old, and anxiety since I was 15. I feel completely hopeless right now. Every single time is the same. I feel depressed for a long period of time, then I start to feel better. I'll pull myself out of it and for a few weeks I'll be more or less happy and inspired about my life and goals. Then it all comes crashing down. This has happened several times over the past few years. Recently I recovered from severe agoraphobia & anxiety. 2013 was probably the worst year of my life. I thought 2014 was going to be better but so far I don't feel so good. I actually feel very guilty and ashamed at my inability to feel happiness. I got a new job last week, have been socializing more, taking transit and going places by myself, studying things for my career, exercising & eating better. And yet I feel extremely sad and tired all day, every day. I don't deserve any of those good things. It's so stupid and cliche..It feels like a mask I put on everywhere I go..just a fake performance that fools everybody. I believe in God and that has helped but I am so lonely. I don't have a lot of close friends...just acquaintances, which I hate. My family doesn't understand, I can tell they are fed up with my problems. They tell me often to just "suck it up" and "be happy". Would they go up to a cancer patient and say "just get rid of the tumour" ?? I don't have a mother, that is my biggest problem. it's caused me so much sadness and I can't seem to get over it, it hurts me deeply. also I moved away from my old city and friends a year ago and i am always so nostalgic and lost in my thoughts about it. a lot of my despair stems from me not wanting to be here in this current place. i am in therapy but i do a lot of worksheets and honestly i think it's sort of stupid. i am not on medication and i dont want to be. i just feel like i'll never be free of my depression, it always comes back no matter what and i don't know what to do anymore...
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