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About roadking02

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  • Birthday 02/11/1993

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  1. Walked in the house after work and literally just have been crying, wondering why I am told that I'm a "great guy" when everyone literally wants next to nothing to do with me. My friends Doug and Eric where hyping me up some when it came to being a artist. Saying "nobody can compete with Travis" and perhaps them doing that is actually what got me down today. Impostor syndrome at it's finest coming in to ruin me once again. Perhaps I never really was great at any of this music stuff after all. I know I'm not really great at anything. I don't understand why anyone from California, especially from the music industry even bothered to give me a chance nearly a decade ago. Maybe everyone can just see right through everything I say to them when it comes to my past. I understand why people don't want anything to do with me and I don't blame them. Who would want to be seen with someone who has had so many surgeries... So many scars everywhere. Who would want to be friends with someone so emotionally scarred? I am just ready for it all to end. No more worrying about fitting in... Not worrying about impressing people... Or trying to get anyone to like me.
  2. I know the feeling very well. My cousin Ryan has suddenly started telling my younger cousins to just avoid me because of my past. The rest of my family (especially my grandmother) thinks I'm a failure and while they don't say it directly to my face they slip it in here and there... Ever being so subtle when they do so. They really get me down when they ask about relationship stuff as they see me being single noting how much of a failure I am when it comes to stuff like that. They only know about Natalie because I was with her off and on for years until that eventually blew up in my face. Slowly slipping away once again to that place where I simply no longer want to exist. There's no more reason for me to do so. Just one medical experiment that should've died a long time ago. That is my life story. If it wasn't for many doctors when I was a kid then I would've died as an infant which probably would've been for the best. Even now I still feel like that, especially since I just have never really managed to fit in with anybody. Someone at work today randomly told me to "come and get your girl" because Christine had tripped and fell. I sent a reply back and just mentioned that she doesn't want anything to do with me. People bringing her up like that is fine but she's not with me in that way... Probably just teasing but I'd rather it just stop. I asked and she like everyone else just broke my heart even more. The whole emotional numbness feeling sticks around and if it does get worse then I will shut off. I can feel it... I shut off once about 10 years ago and I guess I will do it again and for a lot longer period. The first time was when Natalie made a mess out of me and I basically mentally went away from reality for awhile.
  3. In order to keep myself from shutting down I'm going to at least try to record a new song today. I spent the most of last night getting the guitar sections down which really is just 2 different loops and a solo. The rest is basically synthesizers and an old drum machine from the 80's. My only issue is my voice which for awhile now isn't anywhere close to what it used to be. I went around the neighborhood walking around, singing the song to myself, dancing a bit... Neighbors probably think I'm stupid but I never worry about it. They heard me playing some Saturday night and when I took a walk one of the neighbors commented me. While it's good, getting compliments on my music honestly is hard for me to take sometimes. I guess when you're told about your talents constantly you wonder if that's all people know about you. When I finish recording and am actually happy with it then I'm hoping to make a music video just for fun. Haven't made one in 7 years (I checked last night) so it's due. I'll be using at least 2 of my guitars, most likely the "British Bomber/BSA Motorcycle" guitar and one of my many strats... Probably my red silver sky as a contrast to the blue? We'll see when we get to it. Reason I love my BSA guitar is mainly because I made it myself and it's setup to play very very easy.
  4. 11am... I asked Christine out and was left in limbo... Noon... I go to the left... Christine goes to the right... Leaving two exits and I got in my car to head home. Couple minutes into the drive I finally get hit with an actual response. As I expected, I got rejected. Me leaving set off alarms for my friend Ryan because he watched me walk up to her. I take it since he has seen me at my worse he would rather me not slip off deeper into a depression then I already am. At the very least I got an answer. So I'll probably take the Thruxton out for a ride, away from cell service and everything. In an attempt to clear my mind. I figured this sorta stuff would get easier when you're adults but I don't think it ever will.
  5. Kathy from work who made her dumb comment decided to apologize today. I talked to Christine for a moment, she walked up behind me to ask me something work related and caught me daydreaming and singing to myself about her... Awkward. I almost asked her out but I at the last minute was stuck in my head and didn't. She's single... I confirmed it... I need to just ask her... The only downside is that my friends know that when I do get rejected (which has been every time) I literally slip into an extremely deep depression. As in I hide from everyone and totally shut down for months. I don't want to be deeper in that hole then I am already. Desire will seriously be the end of me at this point. The desire to have what I don't have... Which is simply a sense of what "normal" actually is. Relationship stuff has always been extremely difficult for me due to just being different from everyone. Either I get a yes from Christine or if she does reject me then I will collapse into my darkest depression once again. It's a Friday night and I'll be lying in bed hoping that my iPhone gets a text from her... Maybe this time I'll go against the grain and respond. Then tomorrow walk in, go straight up to her and tell her how I feel. There's the flip side of maybe she would say yes out of pitty... Or flat out reject me because of being disabled.
  6. So here I am with only a few hours left until I pretty much call it a night and then get up and start the work weekend. I've had Kathy's comment stuck in my mind while thinking about people, how much I simply don't fit in and driving myself crazy. I've sat here with my guitar playing, here I am surrounded by all of my instruments having quite a breakdown. I'll probably go in tomorrow but it's tempting to take another day off. I already know what everyone will be suspecting. Either something health related or they'll say it's because of Christine. Why? She like everyone I work with is normal, out-going and lives life. While I am simply a medical mess with no chance with anyone when it comes to a social life much less a relationship. I get it. My left arm is messed up, I have epilepsy, have my anxiety issues... Only reason I'm here still is thanks to doctors who probably thought I'd die shortly after birth but they'd experiment and see how long I could last. Sure I'm talented as far as playing guitars and making them goes but when people tell me that I honestly feel like a fraud. So no wonder people stare or make dumb comments. How could anyone love an alien? I've been called that several times. Much less how could a freak like myself be with someone who is actually "normal"? My friend Eric who I've known for many years has always told me to just hold on... What am I holding on for anymore? Hope? Hope that I'll perform on stage again? Hope that my family would actually want to see me? Hope that someone somewhere actually loves me?
  7. Been awhile but I've been stupidly busy with a lot of different things, work or medical. I had a scope of my esophagus done 2 weeks ago and as of yesterday I am on total complete vocal rest for at minimum a week but probably 2 weeks. I rushed eating after the scope so I probably irritated things. Work wise I've worked a ton of overtime over the last couple of weeks. Last weekend though was kind of nuts because my neurologist changed my meds around temporarily to see if I would feel any changes until today so I had to take Friday off. My friend Ryan took my spot and he worked with Christine. Ryan proved to me just how much I overthink things, especially when it comes to social situations and people. Since I have a crush on Christine (and have for years) I really tend to overthink anything when she's ever around me. Everyone at work knows just cause they see it. With me overthinking it always leads to me going "she hates me" or really anyone. So with me gone Christine brought me up in conversation and turns out she doesn't hate me. Saturday when I went in she came up and asked me what was going on. So I really need to stop living in my head so much. And ask her out already... Jesus.
  8. Been working a lot of overtime, during the day and even flipping to night shifts and will be back to days for the weekend. Trying to enjoy the day that I do have off but I'm really just sleepy. Will be getting a new phone before I go to Vegas. My iPhone 5 has done me well for years but it's time for me to just give in and upgrade. Been listening to Shania Twain's album Now for the first time in full. I've heard bits and pieces and listening to it in full I've been able to hear a lot of interesting production. Even vocoders in the background and loads of harmony tricks. Will be very fun seeing her live in March. Just a couple of weeks away! I put in the time off and I'm glad that I did because someone else wanted to take the same days as me. Beat them to it!
  9. Staying far away from eBay and online shopping... Bought a guitar effect pedal and was burned. Got a box with the correct labels and opened it up and found a zip lock bag of rocks inside. I got my money back thankfully but I'm just gonna stay away for awhile. Have been watching some older videos of Shania live, mainly from her Chicago performance in 2003. I remember watching her when I was a kid. I remember when Come on Over was released. My Dad would ask me what I thought of her and I'd always say she was a babe. Kinda stupid but I was little then. It will be very fun seeing her live in Vegas. Speaking of Vegas, I have already gone a little nuts deciding on what to wear. Some of the casinos and other spots have dress codes... Basically don't look like a slob I guess.
  10. Shiloh is still with me. Had a friend of mine who is a vet give me so advice and my parents and I decided against putting him down. We know what he has but he still has time so we are going one day at a time until the right time does eventually come. On a good note I will be going to Vegas in March with my friend Kristin. We will be seeing Shania Twain while there and sight see for a few days.
  11. Yesterday I took Shiloh to the vet and did some check ups since he was taking antibiotics for a kidney infection. Sadly I was told that things really aren't getting better and his kidneys are failing. He is still with me and will be with me until next Thursday. My Dad and I have been spending time with him, my Mom will be with him during Saturday and some of the week. I will sleep with him Sunday night all the way until Wednesday and Thursday afternoon say my final goodbye. I have never had to deal with loss or death until now. I kind of knew things would end soon but I don't want it to. Activity level for Shiloh is still normal but his appetite has nearly gone. I've let everyone close to me know that if they wanted to come by and see him they are welcome to.
  12. The other night I went out for dinner with my Dad and sure enough my anxiety went off. I stood behind a Christmas tree in the restaurant hoping that Olivia, a girl from high school would not see me. I told my Dad I didn't want to be here but he made me stick it out. Olivia made fun of me for years and probably still does. Mainly she made fun of me because of the fact that the first seizure I ever had was in a gamestop store. That was over 10 years ago and it still bothers me. I would like to move away from KY as a whole but I just don't ever see it happening. Every time I say something about it my parents and family just brush it off. It's almost as if they want me to suffer mentally. I didn't have a holiday really. I worked and have been taking care of my beagle. I am taking him to the vet tomorrow probably since he will be done with his antibiotics. It's the new year and I'm already more depressed than usual.
  13. I just got back from the vet and will be waiting on bloodwork and will be taking my beagle back tomorrow. They are worried about his liver and kidneys so they are wanting to be sure of some things before giving him any pain meds. Weight loss and loss of appetite to a degree is also a point of concern. I'm not sure what to expect but I know he is up there in age... Him being over 15 now... I know his time is coming and that is what I'm afraid of.
  14. Taking my beagle to the vet this afternoon. He's 15 and just over the last 2 weeks has been having some issues getting around. I suspect it's arthritis or hip dysplasia due to his age and the colder weather. I'm not sure what will happen but with it being the holidays there certainly isn't much of a "jolly" moment I've had this winter. I've been very busy with work and will be working Christmas Eve and will not be spending time with my family other than my parents. As far as the stuff with my dog goes, he really started giving me a scare last night and this morning.
  15. It's been awhile since I've dropped in... I'm still alive. I haven't really been up to anything at all. Literally just working and saving money. As far as any updates from me well here it goes. Christine is back at work which means I've turned back into Eeyore. She walks by and suddenly I'm feeling great. I talk to her for a moment, say something stupid and beat myself up about it. Then she walks away and I'm left feeling like crap. I really can't stand this feeling. Christine hasn't been the only woman to make me feel this way but I wish there was a medication to basically wipe romantic feelings away. As in wipe them away so I just simply never have them period. A deeper look into it seems to make it clear that I simply may have pursued music for the wrong reasons. Basically to get attention from people, to be accepted by people, to be wanted. Yet as an adult I've realized it perhaps was all a waste. I say that because it has left me alone and unable to function with most people. I barely have anything in common with most people.
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