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roadking02

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About roadking02

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  • Birthday 02/11/1993

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  1. Last weekend at work I was stuck in the same spot all 3 days... All with 12 hours of being inside my mind which wasn't exactly a good thing when the bad thoughts start to come around. What really gets me down are when I get thinking about wanting to fit in with people and how people view me as a person or what they think of me. I spend many hours wondering about that kind of stuff even when I'm not at work.
  2. In need of deep restful sleep which from working 13 hour days I need but my mind keeps wanting to wonder all the time. In fact this morning I pulled into a parking lot and fell asleep so I didn't make it into work this morning. Basically feel like I have been awake for the last 3 days. I've taken melatonin, tylenol PM and the ZZZquil stuff with no actual help with falling or staying asleep when I need to. My work hours are kinda crazy, 4:30am to 5pm so I try to be in bed by 8pm but never can fall asleep. Basically have way too much stuff on my mind when I am trying to sleep. Yesterday I had a ton of caffeine... Literally only was running on star bucks doubleshot and awake chocolate bars at the very end of the day. All of that caffeine meant no sleep...
  3. Talk about a long day... I went into work this morning at 4am and worked until 5pm. However while it made for a long day it wasn't bad other than the lack of sleep. Even with some Tylenol PM I was up the entire night. My mind was wondering off as usual about all kinds of different things. Not sure why but I kind of went the extra mile and dressed up a bit more than I usually do. Put on a bit of cologne, had a dress kind of shirt on, like what I used to wear when I would perform on stage and had my LV shades on. Nobody had seen me with my new haircut as well so it kinda drew a lot of attention wanted or not by a lot of people. I felt kind of odd since people probably expected I was dressed up because of Christine or something. Which I guess they are partially right in some sense. Felt good to actually dress nice for a change.
  4. Today has been very strange, I went to get a haircut and the hair dresser was someone who knew me. Before I even left the house to go I was having some tremors due to simply not being able to handle going out in public anymore. I took 1 of my adivan's to get things to stop and I managed to get through it. I was asked about what I was up to these days, just told her I was still working on guitars here and there. Then was asked about Natalie, if I had heard from her at all. She is getting married. So while I got my haircut finally, I was left with my heart just hurt feeling loneliness setting in along with flashbacks to when we used to be. Odd but while I was there Kristin sent me a message, told me that if I ever wanted to move up north she had an extra room if I wanted it. Sorry but even if I was to do that I'd feel very strange since people already thought we dated or something was going on between us. If I moved in with her then it'd just get weird. She led me on once before so I'm not falling for that again. So here I am hung up on someone from high school... Even after almost a decade because every shot I've taken has only led to hurt so I've sorta just given up. My friends on the other hand, Ryan for instance seems to have a much better chance with relationships if he ever wanted to take it. At work last weekend he was asked out by some girl who he worked with. Me... I've never been asked out by anyone period. Not really jealous, just something I at least have been noticing. He fits in with people much better compared to me. Yesterday Ryan mentioned Christine to me but I honestly turned my mind off with thinking anything through. Everyone around me at work knows I like her. They all know all too well. In fact I've taken days off work because of what people have said to me about any woman period. I just am really insecure about a lot of things. Maybe it is in my head but when you see it happening in front of you then perhaps it's not. I have always longed to escape and move somewhere new. Away from everyone who would even know me to begin with.
  5. Let me simply say this... Last night I took a shower, started thinking about why a lot of people simply don't want me around or would even want to be with me relationship wise. Thoughts about my family set in as well and I cried. I simply have to look at all the scars on my body from surgeries or simply looking at my left hand. 30 surgeries at least, probably some uncounted ones that I can't remember. I'm different, have always been but it's never really hit me until being more of an adult. It hits me even more when I even try asking someone out because they are for the most part fully normal people. Them being normal is probably a problem because if they're around me period it's a lot for them to take in. Probably when I ask someone out the first thing that comes to mind is "oh, Travis has a lot of medical problems so for that reason alone I should probably just let him down easy/lead him on awhile." Which has seemingly been the case every time. The other thing is me being a musician, I let them see my studio and that is also a lot for them to take in because it's a totally different world to them. The only thing I have been doing is playing guitar here and there but I put it down quickly. My Dad yesterday told me I was bored, and that I needed a project like building another guitar. I turned that down simply because it's something I don't feel like doing. He's the one with more guitar friends than me. I kinda hate saying this but I feel like I'm the son that failed in every since of the word. My Dad has told me multiple times that I needed a girlfriend... I don't feel like telling him about every time I've massively failed. He like everyone else just sees it from the outside, not knowing the mental damage that has been done over the years. By that I mean the surgeries, the growing up being different and not ever fitting in anywhere. If tonight is like last night I will shower, cry when I see myself in the mirror then take some medicine to help me sleep and maybe have some crazy flash back dream of when I used to perform on stage in front of hundreds of people without a fear in the world. I could never do that now. Then some thoughts about Christine will come along or someone else and that alone will continue to drive me mad.
  6. I guess today was ok, managed to get through the work day (12.5 hours) just fine for once. Got up at 3:30am, got pulled over about 15 minutes later for speeding, talked my way out and only got a warning. Went to first break and talked to Christine, she asked me why she hadn't seen me yesterday. I told her how yesterday morning was a total mess. Literally had my stomach hurting for hours, went from the shower back to my bed on loop every 5 minutes until 4am, called my boss and then fell asleep in the bathtub. After I got up from the bathtub I finally went to sleep in my bed. Woke up at 1pm and got some magnesium citrate stuff to flush my system and took a Tylenol for sleep... Talk about a bad way to spend a Friday. Decent day though today for a Saturday. Although one of Christine's friends (and one of the maintenance guys) keep suggesting that we should go out. They all know I like her... She knows I like her. And while I wouldn't mind going out with her I honestly don't think we should. Mainly because I am dealing with a lot of subconscious thoughts that I'm trying to get out of my head. Stuff from my past that keeps me up all night, makes me fear going out in public period... Makes me twitch like a total freak at times. It all comes from social anxiety and trauma from when I was a kid that for whatever reason I have not ever been able to rid myself free from. A new relationship as an example might sound like a good idea but I don't want to drag someone down into the mess of a man that I have become. Thanks to stuff that went on with Natalie years ago and just other people who outright made me into a social outcast. Even family members who I don't speak to made me into this mess. Time slowly made me become this way... I have always known it was happening but ignored it for years. Now while my friend Phillip from work has told me that it's all in my head he might be right but I'm not exactly sure. I need to go to therapy or something to talk things out. Christine doesn't hate me but my mind continues to think it... Honestly my mind thinks that a lot of people hate me.
  7. Had my cardiologist stuff done yesterday and things are now to the point that my heart literally can no longer handle the current work environment I am in. The odd hours, extreme lack of sleep and lastly the heat simply continues to make my blood pressure be consistently high all the time. Even with blood pressure medicine while I was at work today it shot up and I had to go home. My cardiologist told me that I needed to seriously start looking for other jobs, also told me to see a therapist of some kind because part of why it's so high is from anxiety and stress levels. My aorta valve is stable and has been for several years but my blood pressure certainly is completely out of control. Mainly the bottom number is always high like in the 90's constantly. This morning I went in at 4am, was there for maybe 2 hours got extremely short of breath because of the heat which was about 80 degrees or more. That alone made everything shoot up and while I did go home, slept a bit it's still blood pressure is still high. What I worry about mostly is what I am going to do for trying to find a new job. Ideally need to be in an office job and while I have some experience in computers and software and was going to college for a networking degree years ago I simply have never had a job in that kinda stuff. While I never have worked in retail I just might have to try and get a job at Costco but then again in general insurance stuff is what I am most concerned with compared to my current job which has really good benefits. For the moment I am taking everything in and figuring it out as I continue to go along on ride called life. This afternoon one of the managers called me and let me know that I shouldn't worry about my PTO time for my medical issues. I will say that they're fully aware of my medical issues, proud of the fact that despite of what I have been through I do not let it get me down. In fact my manager told me that when that time does come for me to leave my job or simply can no longer work that I shouldn't worry about it looking bad or anything like that. I worry about a lot of things, like everyone else. Everyone wants a sense of belonging, I have always struggled with it especially as an adult now. Everyone wants to be successful, however everything in my life has slowly fell off. Relationships? Well besides being with Natalie I have never been with anyone else. If I knew she would wreck my life literally then I would've never bothered with her in the first place.
  8. On Tuesday I spent the day working on my BSA and I took it around back roads for awhile. It did die on me because of a off/on switch acting up but I'm going to be fixing that pretty much when I have another day free from work. Went into work today only to end up working with Christine for part of the morning. At least this time I didn't totally freeze up around her or say anything stupid. Although me still having feelings for her (or towards any woman for that matter) does mess with my head... My co-worker Kevin told me that me thinking everyone hates me or some of my social problems are all in my head. To some extent he's right but in other ways he's not. I tend to overthink nearly every social situation when it comes to people who I barely know or around people who do in fact actually hate me which is several people but I'm not around them often. Basically it's to the point that as long as nobody (or myself even) brings up Natalie then I manage to do alright during the day. When I'm alone or without anybody around (at work or anywhere really) then my mind really starts to drift away and fall into negative zones and plenty of memories come back to haunt me. Mainly my many regrets on things I've said to people or have done that has simply damaged my reputation. My cousins still talk crap about me behind my back and simply don't talk to me. Many of my family members honestly no longer want to ever see me again. I don't blame them because I know I lied to them about a lot of things in the past. I lied to nearly everyone and to myself to basically keep myself together after splitting up with Natalie. While that has been over a decade ago nobody seems to want to just let that go or perhaps they don't really get why I was lying in the first place. If I could I'd apologize to everyone for it all... If I ever was to see Natalie ever again then I'd just run away... I genuinely am afraid of her and so many people from my past. When I was in high school many people socially set me off as a outcast... Even to this day I am a social outcast... That is honestly what I'm trying not to be. Why did I even bother asking Christine out in the first place? Why do I even try to talk to her or anyone? Because I no longer want to feel isolated, alone or pushed aside to the social trash can.
  9. I have done that and it seems to me like it just gets worse as time goes on. I feel it mainly when it comes to social stuff and being that most people around my age are doing much better it may for all I know be a facade. The people that I have to be around at work or even just the area I live in generally do not like me or even care to try to get to know me. My main area of failure would be fitting in with people my own age or those slightly younger. At work now though I don't bother going to the break rooms because of some of the people I'd have to be around. They've completely shut me away after finding out about Natalie... Who would've thought that someone I was with in high school would be what wrecked my entire life? Not that I don't try asking women out... I just always get rejected in some way. I only try asking women out if I really have some kind of feelings for them but it's never worked out. Honestly I feel like I was setup to fail and fall very hard the last time I asked someone out. Doesn't mean that I won't continue to be in love with them from afar... Which also really is just absolutely horrible to deal with. I do interesting things but nobody around here really shares any of those interests. Around here I still avoid people every time I do have to go out in public. I'm not as bad as I used to be but I still do it.
  10. So 2021 is already starting out to be a horrible year simply because of my past... Mainly thanks to someone here at work who just so happens to know Natalie... Yesterday they decided to come up to me and mention her... I guess they put the links together and magically now know everything that went on between us... Instantly fell into a bad mood, stepped out into my car and cried... Why can’t I just let the past stay behind me... It’s frustrating!!!! I guess I’ll be looking for another job and actually try to move away... I’m so tired of Natalie always seemingly coming back to haunt me... Even indirectly... I can’t talk about it to my parents... I really can’t talk about it to anyone. I’m really in a bad situation because now if everyone knows about what all went on then it’s just going to swallow me up like a black hole. They even went so far as to ask my friend Ryan about it all... I’ve barely slept, have been going to my car during breaks to avoid everyone... I feel sick because of my past once again destroying my life...
  11. Yesterday I had a seizure at work thanks to some flashing cameras and some purple neon lights glowing that made me very dizzy. Within 15 minutes of sitting down, spacing out I was walked out into a conference room and nearly blacked out. Once I was in the conference room a few of the managers watched and my muscles just tensed up and I started jerking all over in a chair. When they checked my blood pressure the jerking in my right arm stopped and my legs started to jerk instead. Lasting from 7:20am to maybe 9:45am... One of the managers drove me home... I called my neurologist yesterday after I got home and now I'm waiting to see what they decide. As usual I expect them to increase my dose which hasn't been done in 3 years. Also expect they will want to do another EEG which in my opinion is useless because every time they've done one nothing ever comes from it. I don't know what to expect from work either at this point.
  12. Today I was moved to a new position at work that I've been waiting on for a few months now but one thing that already is a small inconvenience... Christine is pretty much around me the entire time. I say it's a problem because when I saw her with her new boyfriend it hit me really hard. So much so that at the last bit of the day I stepped out into the restroom and cried. I feel so stupid because she didn't say anything to me so indirectly I've been hurt by something so simple. I'll just keep going on with everyone else being happy... While they judge me quietly on everything.
  13. Anyone here care to give me some advice here? My friend Kristin who I've known for several years now decided to just out of nowhere tell me she loved me. She has told me several times... In letters and over the phone. We've written to each other because of covid and have been there for each other through a lot of things. It's strange because I used to work with her but she moved to Michigan to get away from some things and try to restart somewhere new. She and I have made plans to see each other in December, I originally suggested that I was going to stay around for just a couple days. Now she wants me to stay with her for instead of a few days to about 2 weeks. So my question here... Is she wanting things to move to the next level or what? Second what in the world am I supposed to do with her for 2 weeks?
  14. Took today off to recover from working nights and to deal with some phone calls from my doctors. Here in the next few weeks if prozac doesn't stop the constant twitching of my left eye then they will probably proceed with botox injections to slow the facial nerves down. Before that though they will do a physical examination of where one of my hernia repairs was done. Nerve damage or pressure on a nerve is what is causing the twitching. Seeing new doctors this time so maybe it will actually yield some results.
  15. Walked in the house after work and literally just have been crying, wondering why I am told that I'm a "great guy" when everyone literally wants next to nothing to do with me. My friends Doug and Eric where hyping me up some when it came to being a artist. Saying "nobody can compete with Travis" and perhaps them doing that is actually what got me down today. Impostor syndrome at it's finest coming in to ruin me once again. Perhaps I never really was great at any of this music stuff after all. I know I'm not really great at anything. I don't understand why anyone from California, especially from the music industry even bothered to give me a chance nearly a decade ago. Maybe everyone can just see right through everything I say to them when it comes to my past. I understand why people don't want anything to do with me and I don't blame them. Who would want to be seen with someone who has had so many surgeries... So many scars everywhere. Who would want to be friends with someone so emotionally scarred? I am just ready for it all to end. No more worrying about fitting in... Not worrying about impressing people... Or trying to get anyone to like me.
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