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About roadking02

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  • Birthday 02/11/1993

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  1. From being born with VACTERL I guess I always will wonder what it feels like to be normal. Granted I have never let it stop me from doing anything I still wonder. I get why people stare at my left arm or ask questions but sometimes enough is enough. I used to not care as much when I was younger but now as an adult it's partly why I am closing off. I am the only one in my entire blood line that will have VACTERL and sometimes I really wonder why me. Why did I have to be born this way? I feel like an alien a lot of times. Some experiment gone completely wrong. Perhaps I missed out on some growth milestones as a child because of having so many surgeries. I wonder if that is why I just am so out of touch with my generation. My mind is just trying to process the past. The surgeries I had as a kid. My mind just simply never processed them at the time. Probably why I have anxiety so bad now. I keep seeing people in relationships and then I look at myself. I'm not in any condition to even be in a relationship. My medical crap is just going to scare everyone away.
  2. Note to self... Just call it quits with even asking women out because it obviously isn't going to work. If you didn't learn it now then you're just a ****ing idiot. Yeah, so I asked Casey out and I opened Pandora's box it seems. In short she told me she was talked to someone after leading me on. Instead of being quiet about it she had to mention it to my lead person who then in turn has been telling everyone at work I even bothered to ask her out in the first place. Jesus...
  3. Not looking forward to this weekend because it's going to be really awkward since I asked Casey out. I probably will not say a word to anybody at this rate because I really don't fit in with anyone who I work with anyways. One of the girls I work with predicted when I would die which is kind of strange. I don't know if she was kidding or not. Things at my workplace are still kind of a mess because of the layoffs that will happen on April 1st.
  4. So I did text Casey yesterday afternoon just asking if she would like to hang out. Haven't gotten a response from her but oddly from someone else telling me to move on. I always screw things up and that alone was it. Work on Friday will be awkward now and I will ask to be moved to another position mostly for my own sanity. I'm also leaving my phone off for awhile.
  5. I've come to a conclusion about myself when it comes to relationships or even just crushes. Simply that no matter who it is I always back away due to past issues I've had with past relationships which isn't many. Really only Natalie from literally a decade ago or crushes I had during childhood that turned sour really quick. Why? Probably because I was held back a year in school from missing so many days due to my medical issues. So I hit those certain emotions before everyone else if that makes sense. My development has always been way off compared to most people. Medical issues made me an instant freak. Still to this day I have people making comments or staring at my left hand wondering why I was born this way. Somehow I managed to learn guitar and got into the music business fairly young. This is something that also has messed my social life up in many ways. Why? Being around famous people and getting used to talking to high profile people compared to normal people which for me is a nightmare. I don't know what to say, I don't relate to most normal people. How could I? How the hell could a medical mess freak or alien ever relate to normal people? Much less have a successful actual factual relationship that actually works. I have Casey's number now. She left work early today to take her daughter to the doctor... Yes, she's a single mother. As far as i know she's single... That's probably how I'll screw this up. Not knowing for sure if she is single or not... I'm just afraid of getting hurt. As I've been hurt in the past by basically every woman I've ever asked out... Happened with Natalie and it certainly happened with Renee. Both of them no longer want to even dare speak to me much less see me in person. I didn't do anything to hurt them... But they sure have made me close up more than ever before. Casey and I do have some history. She knows of my medical stuff, doesn't judge me for it (as far as I know) and knows a little about my music stuff. She also knows I'm very shy... Last weekend I felt so stupid for complimenting her... She put makeup on but I couldn't really tell. So I asked and told her she looked good... Her response was a simple thank you and a smile. Boy... I feel really stupid. Now that i have her number I don't even know what to text her. I simply just worry about messing things up because I just end up doing just that.
  6. Trying to get back into taking better self-care of myself. Shower more often and brushing my teeth... All that jazz. Not much but I have fallen out of it. Been trying to get rid of dandruff from my hair. Using lemons... Maybe it works, we'll see. Yesterday I spent the day out riding my Triumph which was fun and it felt great getting out since the weather is still indecisive on what it wants to do.
  7. So a co-worker spilled the beans and told this woman that I have known a few years that I had a crush on her... Which is okay but it hasn't developed any further since she knows. Maybe I should ask her out. Not sure though because I would be dragging her down into my own hell and I don't want to do that to her or anyone. That's me when it comes to relationships. I am always afraid of letting someone in only to hurt them.
  8. Sent another job application in to a hospital. I would really love to find a new job at this rate. Just getting tired of the same stuff every day and tired of getting hurt while at work.
  9. Workers compensation was denied so I'm not sure what to do. Still having this CT scan done but we'll see what happens. I'll be out about $1000 or more now. What I don't understand is why it was denied. At this rate I may as well find a new job.
  10. Filled out the reports for work about this hernia and was examined by the nurse there today. See a surgeon on Thursday in the morning and take it from there.
  11. Called HR this morning and I have to let my supervisor know tomorrow when I go to work and start this workers comp stuff. Fill out paperwork and all the rest of this stuff.
  12. So here it goes... Tomorrow in the morning I will call HR and let them know about this 3rd hernia. What worries me the most about all of this is that work already has moved me to a different position due to lifting restrictions which I follow. I don't know what to expect from them this time around and they very well may let me go and I will lose my job due to them viewing me as a liability.
  13. Just got back from a doctors appointment and it turns out I'm not crazy wearing skinny jeans to support my abdomen. I once again have a hernia in the same place as the first one. Now I wonder what my Dad is going to tell me when I tell him this. Go for workers comp again or not? I say that because I only do any lifting at work and not anywhere else.
  14. Today was great thanks to the sun coming out to warm everything up well enough to go motorcycle riding. Went with my Dad and a few of his riding friends and spent the afternoon out on my Triumph 🙂 I'm tired though now so maybe I'll actually get some sleep. Tomorrow is also supposed to be warm so I'll probably go riding again.
  15. My neighbor Charlie had a birthday party tonight. I went over for an hour and decided to head out so I could take my seizure meds and now I don't know if I'll go back over or not. I just really feel very out of place in a lot of social situations and when it's with a group of people that are my parents age I wouldn't say I could be comfortable socially. I really feel alone. Feel like one of these days I will end up choking on medicine and die without anyone ever knowing.
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