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About roadking02

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  • Birthday 02/11/1993

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  1. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Still tremoring but I'm able to work even though I am wishing I wasn't because of what they're having me do. It's boring and really just makes me want to quit and find a new job. I've been at that point for awhile but no place around is hiring. I've stood up, caught myself crying a few times. Just upset at life as nothing ever seems to work out. Tonight after work I guess I'll pass out and attempt to get some sleep. Yes, I'm jealous of my cousins but mostly because they're normal people. I'm far from normal and I guess I'll never get used to it.
  2. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    I'm alive I think I'm gonna be okay I'm alright Tonight Oh, I'm alive I think I'm gonna be okay I'm alright For now
  3. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Tonight I came home and got an email from my friend Eric. He helped me with a new song, sang it in Italian but it's called "Sand." Christine heard me singing some of it today at work.
  4. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    This morning I woke up and started thinking about Natalie, Kayleigh and a few other women I had crushes on, asked out and got turned down or just never bothered to ask because of living inside my head all the time. So I'm here at work depressed because of that. Christine walked by, smiled at me but I don't know if I'll talk to her. I guess me wanting to be with someone and wanting to have a girlfriend is just wishful thinking. Like a lot of things are. Keeps making me just want to die.
  5. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    At work this weekend, hopefully I can work all 3 days and not have tremors. My doc put me on boclofen for the time being and I don't know if it will work but I'm gonna find out over the weekend. I've had tremors some this morning but they're not as intense as they have been. Still don't know what the issue is and won't know until I see my neurologist on the 23rd.
  6. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Tonight I started on my upped dose of keppra for seizures. Hopefully it can take the place of gabapentin and not only stops the tremors but still keeps me from having seizures.
  7. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    My neurologist decided to stop one of my seizure meds since it actually has loss of muscle control and tremors as a side effect. Over the course of a week I will be completely off of gabapentin which I have been taking for nearly a decade for epilepsy. Have been feeling the withdraw symptoms a bit, mostly with mood and it kind of feels like a weight is being lifted off. Tired of being sent home every weekend because of tremors so hopefully gabapentin is the source of the problem.
  8. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Haven't talked about it here besides chat for a bit. Have been away from home the last few days dealing with family stuff. My uncle Mike committed suicide Tuesday, August 22nd 2017. Very little is known but more than likely the fact that his wife was cheating on him certainly drove him in a bad mental state. Apparently he shot himself in front of her and from there more things I guess will be uncovered. The visitation was today and seeing everyone upset really got to me. My Mom was the worst out of everyone. When she looked at Mike in the casket she fell to the floor. My Dad and my uncle Dee had to get her up help her sit down. Tomorrow is the funeral. The only thing that has kept me sane during all of this is motorcycles. While up here I wanted to see the new Triumph motorcycles, specifically the Thruxton R because it was close to my BSA from the 60's. So I was able to sit on one and I might have finally found my next motorcycle. After getting back to work and a regular normal routine that's my goal I suppose.
  9. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    A small plastic stopper that signals the brake lights to be off when the brake isn't pressed in with your foot had finally just cracked to pieces. A penny was enough to fit in its place. Up early today :)
  10. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    I've been keeping myself busy working on dirt bikes (replacing the clutch) and working on my old civic. Fixed my civic with a penny of all things :-) Today I wasn't expecting to see anyone but one of my old friends who lives in New York now dropped by. Been roughly a decade since I had seen Derek, he was very impressed with the guitars I've built over the last few years. Pretty nice to catch up.
  11. Impulse Buying as Self Medicating?

    For awhile bitcoin became a bit of an obsession so I spent money on the machines to mine the coins which was a total waste of my time. Wasted a few thousand dollars on it as well so at one point I just stopped. I did spend quite a bit of money on sex toys because of being alone. No girlfriend or anyone to hang out with most of the time so I guess it covered up my loneliness for awhile. Add pornography to that as well. Now though it only has left me ashamed that I even have to use them and just makes it worse for me when I like someone. Amazon was also for awhile a bad place for me along with eBay. I don't order anything online anymore. I keep myself from the store just to keep from pointlessly spending money.
  12. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    @Azzurra18 - Usually it's not because of hurting someone, rather it's me coming off a certain way. Had a bit of a breakdown tonight over a couple things. The fact that I'm not normal and never will be. Stuck trapped at home with my parents because of my medical issues. Angry at myself for losing what I once had... Being happy. Had a good relationship with my family but now it's all nearly dead. Sick and tired of everyone around me having what I want... A social life, girlfriend and just people to be around. I'm constantly told "you're a good looking guy" and all this crap but I sit and wonder what the problem is. Instantly my mind goes directly to blaming it on being born with my hand being messed up and all of the scars all over my body from surgeries. My friend Eric told me that I'm here to be a creative person and to share my music with the world. He told me that I may go through all these surgeries but to just hang on. He told me I may see people around that have what I want, that it may frustrate me but still just to hang on. I'm not sure if I can do that anymore. I really just want to die.
  13. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    @Azzurra18 What seems to worry me the most is just that when I like someone, ask them out then I'm afraid of screwing things up. I'm always consistently worried I'll do something or say something stupid and literally right then and there things will inevitably be a total mess.
  14. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Almost 10:30pm here and I'm bored out of my mind. Sat around and tried to force myself to write a song but as usual I just kept playing the same things again. Not sure how I'm feeling though on some things. Well, mainly my social life along with relationships in general. I keep getting mad at myself for almost no real reason at all.
  15. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Stayed a second night for this EEG as they wanted to take me off all of my seizure meds and see what happens. The results from the episode I had while here wasn't seizure activity which means that it's something else. Probably have a different diagnosis now and things are looking to be all heart related. Possibly not enough oxygen is going to my brain or something. Today I am going home no matter what the doctors tell me because of work. I had to take today off.