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roadking02

Senior Member
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About roadking02

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    Senior Member
  • Birthday 02/11/1993

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    Male

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  1. roadking02

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    Trying to get my sleeping pattern back to normal since I've been off work because of the 4th of July. Got one heck of a medical bill to pay, $1,400 from when I saw my cardiologist in May.
  2. roadking02

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    Worked Friday and Saturday last weekend and have been off since and won't go back until the 13th. Probably did too much lifting because I can feel some pain around the place my first hernia surgery was done. Went for a motorcycle ride with my Dad yesterday which was nice but we got caught in the rain multiple times. Worked on one of my guitar amps the other night and I guess it sounds better. Probably will change the speaker that is in it at the moment. My parents left this morning to go to Georgia for a few days and for whatever reason my grandmother decided to come and stay with me. That's ok but I'd like to be alone so I could do some things I rarely do since my parents are always around. Like invite Christine over or something but who am I kidding. She and everyone else around here hates me. Idk. I'm getting really sick of everyone bugging me about relationships. My parents... My cousins, aunts, uncles and so on all have been bugging me about finding someone who wants to be in a serious relationship. I'm giving up on it and I slowly have over the years. I don't know if it's my medical issues that scare people away or what. I'm afraid of even having crushes because I always just get myself hurt.
  3. roadking02

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    Work today was a bit odd, I for a few moments thought my boss made Christine work with me on purpose to see how nervous he could get me to be while working. It didn't help that while working with her I found out about her boyfriend, the fact that they live together and a few other things. I talked to her, complimented her new glasses and to be honest I was a total nervous wreck. Doesn't help me at all though because my already broken heart is slowly sinking even further than it has in a very long time. Everyone has plans for the next 2 weeks off except for me. My parents have asked if I wanted to go with them to Georgia for a few days but I don't feel like going there. I asked some of my cousins if they wanted to hang out but they all declined because they have stuff going on. So for the next 2 weeks I will be completely alone.
  4. roadking02

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    Took my BSA motorcycle out for a ride this evening and a lot of people that knew me saw me out riding around. I guess it was nice but now I'm back sitting in my studio wondering how in the world I am supposed to make space for some more equipment and gear. Probably going to get rid of a futon or something. The weather has been crazy over the last few days and will continue to be so hopefully storms don't come here to ruin the week. After next weekend I am off for 13 days and I honestly have no clue what to do with all that amount of time off...
  5. roadking02

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    Today at work I actually felt pretty good for once. While the day work wise was extremely slow it gave me time with Christine and it was nice to talk to her. Surprising but she asked how my Mom was doing since my uncle committed suicide roughly a year ago now. I was shocked she even remembered considering it had been a long time since I told her about it. She also asked if I got caught in the rain at all while I was out riding last week. I guess me thinking she hates me really is just my anxiety and depression making me crazy. Perhaps that applies to other people too. Maybe nobody hates me like I keep thinking a lot of the time.
  6. roadking02

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    Not ready for tomorrow because of having to be back on the 12 hour day grind. Getting up at 4am certainly is getting old really fast and standing around being bored doesn't help either.
  7. roadking02

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    Went out riding today with my friend Ryan and I was on my old BSA. While out I managed to hit 95 on it which is surprising because of its age. Guess it only hit that because of me being so small weight wise. Seriously trying to gain weight but the protein stuff is disgusting to drink. Also dropped the bike to avoid hitting someone. The back brake wasn't working correctly so I ended up stalling and tipping over. Luckily nothing was damaged and I wasn't hurt. Someone behind me probably was laughing like an ***** but whatever.
  8. roadking02

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    @babyxgothxx - Christine doesn't hate me, I can tell because of how her texts to me are. I don't know if she is with anyone as she has never mentioned a boyfriend or anything. I left work early on Sunday to go for a ride on my motorcycle since the weather was going to be crap. She messaged me asking if I took off and when I got to a stop I messaged her back telling her why and I told her to have a good week. She responded back telling me to have fun and she told me to have a good week as well. Besides that on Sunday at work and really the last few weeks at work people keep noticing me being in a really depressed mood. Everyone around me can tell just how much my mood changes just by simply talking to Christine. Reason is not only do I have a crush on her but she's the only person around who really is a friend as most of my co workers aren't exactly nice people. I try to open up and talk to people but what comes out is the negative side. Someone for instance on Sunday simply said "that's right" and immediately my response was "yup, that confirms it. I guess she does hate me." I keep mentioning suicide and laughing it off so people don't know weather to take me serious or not. I compared myself to a bad part that came off the line once by saying "it's like me, ****ed up." The celexa keeps messing with me by making me sleepy all the time and probably is actually just making me feel like crap in general. It makes me want to throw up. I keep wanting to cry when nothing really has happened to trigger it or I just keep staying in this depressed mode all the time. Maybe I should tell Christine how I feel but I don't think it would make anything really better. Most of the time I have no idea what to say to her anyways. Well, that applies to everyone because I'm just a loser with very little of a social life at all.
  9. roadking02

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    Somehow pushing myself through yet another day at work with people asking even more questions about me being depressed or bi-polar or something. Asking me why and if I've talked to someone about it. Well, this is getting old and I am considering leaving early today. Everyone asks me if it's because of Christine, not that she's said anything to me but partly it is because of her. Mostly because in my mind I keep thinking that she hates me and I keep wanting to know if she really does or not. That goes for a lot of other people I work with too. But since I like Christine a lot it's different. I feel stupid for not being able to just tell her how I feel but I know the outcome. I'd leave work because of that.
  10. roadking02

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    Here at work and people around me notice my depression just by the look on my face. They either think I'm exhausted, tired or that my meds are messing with me. I did think about leaving this afternoon to go ride on my motorcycle but I decided not to. I want to go home and take a much needed nap...
  11. roadking02

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    I will be busy working on a fender blues jr guitar amp, taking it apart and changing a few components out inside it and maybe even the speaker. Started another Stratocaster guitar build which I probably didn't need to do but I have to do something besides just sitting around. Waiting for some motorcycle parts to arrive...
  12. roadking02

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    Opened up my BSA's motor today to figure out why the gear shifting isn't working. Thankfully it was a simple broken spring that I will need to replace. Went ahead and ordered 2 of them that way I can replace it and have one around in case it happens again. Also ordered a few other things for it, mainly rubber pieces that are worn out. Very happy that I have this motorcycle period as it's one of the few things that makes me genuinely smile and makes me happy. It has also been a joy to work on with my Dad.
  13. roadking02

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    I want to go home from work and lay in bed with the light off, blinds down and cry.
  14. roadking02

    Low self esteem

    I am very low when it comes to self esteem, often comparing myself to bad car parts or calling myself an "alien" or some other things. I tend to keep thinking everyone hates me... Christine for example or some of my family even. Some of my family actually does hate me because of some things I had done in the past. To get a boost for my self esteem it used to be just performing on stage in front of people worked but over the years I've stopped and got into building guitars and just stuck to music production. Every once in awhile I will go out and DJ but it's not nearly as often as it used to be. A lot of people I work with are noticing my depression and picking up on some of what I say to myself or about myself to others. I'm not sure what to do. I take celexa and I've been on it for awhile now at 20mg. Still can't tell if it's helping me or not. I know for a fact that there is a lot of things I don't like about myself. My looks and mainly my social life which is almost non existent.
  15. roadking02

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    Came home from work yesterday only to be in bed crying my eyes out wondering why I'm still here. Thinking about all of my medical issues, my physical condition (vacterl association) and just looking a thing myself in the bathroom mirror just made it worse. Looking at all of the scars on my body wondering why I was born like this. Have nobody to blame for it. I didn't choose to be this way. My parents didn't either. I don't think celexa is helping but my Dad argues with me every time I talk about wanting to stop it and explain how it's made me want to do nothing but sleep constantly. I am upset at myself, for being this medical experiment basically gone wrong. I get why people stare, I get why kids stare at me. It's because I'm not normal. Probably a reason why certain people don't even want to get to know me, let alone hang out. Rejection from the entire human race certainly hurts. It doesn't matter. I know I will never be normal and that no amount of surgery could ever make me that way. I would talk to someone but it's just one ear and out the other. Nobody listens or wants to. No matter what I have done in the past or even now I realize that I will simply not be good enough. Talent doesn't mean anything. I've reached my limit for what I can do physically in terms of playing guitar or piano so I rarely play anymore. I really never was ever good enough to do any of what I did years ago. I did all of these things for nothing. As a result my social life is a mess. My anxiety is a mess and I'll admit it, I have been depressed for many years because of slowly being hurt by others around me. Friends, family and just people who don't understand me or those who judge me because of my medical issues. I am the only one in my family that was and ever will be born with VACTERL so I will always be the black sheep. My cousins probably had to tell there girlfriends and boyfriends not to say anything to me and had to make some bs excuse about my medical issues for that moment that they would meet me. My family has let me down and has left me hurt. People who I grew up with have done the same. Watching them all have normal lives and nothing to worry about just makes me feel like a total waste of space. My friend Eric told me to just hold on... But what is there left for me to hold onto? What reason? I'm not normal and never will be so why keep going?
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