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roadking02

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About roadking02

  • Birthday 02/11/1993

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  1. My trip to Santa Monica was much needed as I was busy the entire time. Literally from the moment I got there to the very moment I left I was recording music or performing gigs or sleeping so it was well worth it. I spent the nights recording from 10:30pm to 6:30am roughly with some session guys and my friend Eric. Surprised by the hotel because I was given a suite to myself. One evening I had a DJ set at the hotel, another Eric and I played at a blues club which was fun but I felt out of place for a moment. While I was in the studio I let Eric keep my phone in another room to keep me from worrying and my mind drifting off into bad zones. Plus it kept me from being distracted too since I wanted to get stuff done. Sunday was eventful as when I left the studio I went out on the beach and wrote "happy birthday Christine" in the sand and sent it to her that morning. Eric knew I was anxious over that and could tell I was letting my anxiety get to me for a moment. He had made some copies of what we recorded, filled out some paperwork and sent me on my way to Def Jam and to Universal's buildings to drop off and meet with them. While I walked to Universal I finally got a message from Christine. She loved the beach picture and wished me luck with my meetings with the record labels. All along my trip she kept telling me not to go into Louis Vuitton's store. I went in, took a quick selfie with my shades on and she told me that I better not be in there. Teasing cause I figured she thought I was going to buy another pair of sunglasses. The meetings with the labels was pretty good but I'm not sure what it will lead to. Universal has distributed my work before and has published my work as well so I have a good relationship with them as a distributor. My main thing is that I have those 15 tracks Eric and I recorded floating around in the labels buildings so maybe they'll pick them up and I'll have song writing credits or something. Who knows. In the end I'm glad I went on my own. I was going to see if Ryan wanted to go but in the end decided that since he's never been around professional musicians and music business people I decided for the best to just not mention it to him. I wasn't there for a vacation, rather for professional work reasons. I think I'll go back out to LA again here in the next few months if I hear anything from the labels. Maybe I'll take someone with me and perhaps stay longer next time.
  2. Thursday I'm off to Santa Monica for a few days to record roughly 30 songs with my friend Eric so I'll be extremely busy while I'm there. Was supposed to go in July but timing for both of us wasn't good and I hadn't gotten my vaccines yet. Friday I know I'm meeting up with Doug (who's known me my entire life) and hopping around guitar shops that morning and my friend Sabrina is coming down from Sacramento so I'll see her too. It's been a good bit since we've all seen each other in person. Most people here have told me to take a ton of pictures and are glad I'm back to my music mode. It's strange because I have more of a friend circle in California compared to here in KY. Most people here too seem to be mind blown that I even know Eric to begin with and as usual are in dis-belief in a sense. It won't hit me until I'm on the plane but I am excited to get together with my music friends.
  3. Woke up this morning messing around with "Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer on guitar... I finally learned the full song. I love playing the turn around that goes back to the main riff.

  4. This weekend was a step by step process. Friday I went in and Christine had asked about my leopard print shirt since it had been awhile since she last see me wear it. Saturday I rode my BSA into work and was dressed up in black. During break a maintenance guy asked if I was going on a date after work. Christine's response was "he'd better not unless it's with me." She also told me she saw the cologne instagram post I made the other night, also had the leopard shirt for the bottles of cologne to sit on. So today I wore that shirt but I had my smock completely buttoned up to wait until break with Christine. When she came into the break room and sat down I unbuttoned my smock, got out of it and put my LV shades on. She had the big smile on her face and her friend Azay made us take a picture together. Her friend also told me that the shirt is all Christine has been talking about. Later during another break I passed by Christine when she was behind a windows working with my friend Ryan, when she saw me she yelled at me and kept waving. If Ryan didn't figure it out then I guess I'm very lucky because now I finally am with Christine. Finally after years of waiting I finally can call her my girlfriend although both of us want to keep things low key for now. I haven't told my parents or any of my family. Certainly haven't told Ryan about it although he keeps pushing for me to spill the beans. Steps to get a girlfriend? 1. 1967 BSA Royal Star Motorcycle 2. Fancy dress shirt 3. Cologne It feels strange to say that now I can move away from my past. Be with someone new who while does know my music background doesn't judge me for it and also doesn't judge me although I always thought deep down that I never had a chance with Christine. For now we'll see where it goes
  5. Talked to my friend Eric last night and it felt good to catch up and check in. He wants me to come out to Santa Monica at some point so we can record some new music in his studio and just hang out for a few days. Aside from that I’ve been working on a few new songs and also this stuff with Christine seems to be going good. As in I haven’t screwed up yet. People are noticing my nicer clothes, the cologne and some people last Sunday saw us talking. My friend Ryan today asked me who it was I was trying to impress and I just told him it wasn’t for anyone, just doing it for myself because I like showing this side of me. It’s a positive side which doesn’t come out often. I tend to worry too much about if people in general like me or hate me… So I even worry about little things especially when it comes to relationship stuff. I have been out of the game honestly so I’m far from being a smooth talker. Have always been shy around people period. Tonight though when I tried to sleep I started wondering if Christine really wants anything to do with a guy like me. I grabbed my guitar and started playing one of the songs I’m working on and about 30 minutes later she messaged me. She’s proving that I overthink everything… So I need to work on turning off that part of my mind.
  6. Last night I took my motorcycle out for a ride just to get some stuff off my mind and while I had my phone with me I never bothered to check it whenever I stopped along back roads. I got home and Christine had sent me a text which once again had my head spinning with all sorts of crazy thoughts. I went out walking, wondering if I should respond to her and my mind went off into many different directions. The many surgeries I've had, conversations with my friend Eric who keeps telling me to hang in there to crap about an ex and high school stuff that has been many years ago. Needless to say I didn't respond to her mostly because of being extremely nervous about screwing up and overthinking like a mad man. And suddenly I've bought cologne again... Whatever that's supposed to mean. People at work already suspect I'm up to something since I've been dressing up and wearing cologne which is usually something I only have done when I was performing on stage. Another thing over the past week that popped into my head was Ariel, a girl I had met at Wayne's years ago. We used to record some music and actually perform together for a short while. I'd run into her randomly in Nashville sometimes, in fact the last time I saw her I had on shades, a fedora and was honestly shocked that she recognized me. Anyways I found out that she's kind of out of the music business now and is a teacher and lastly a Twitch streamer. Kind of odd how life works out and maybe I'm not the only said musician who has had to set the dream down for one reason or another.
  7. Last weekend at work I was stuck in the same spot all 3 days... All with 12 hours of being inside my mind which wasn't exactly a good thing when the bad thoughts start to come around. What really gets me down are when I get thinking about wanting to fit in with people and how people view me as a person or what they think of me. I spend many hours wondering about that kind of stuff even when I'm not at work.
  8. In need of deep restful sleep which from working 13 hour days I need but my mind keeps wanting to wonder all the time. In fact this morning I pulled into a parking lot and fell asleep so I didn't make it into work this morning. Basically feel like I have been awake for the last 3 days. I've taken melatonin, tylenol PM and the ZZZquil stuff with no actual help with falling or staying asleep when I need to. My work hours are kinda crazy, 4:30am to 5pm so I try to be in bed by 8pm but never can fall asleep. Basically have way too much stuff on my mind when I am trying to sleep. Yesterday I had a ton of caffeine... Literally only was running on star bucks doubleshot and awake chocolate bars at the very end of the day. All of that caffeine meant no sleep...
  9. Talk about a long day... I went into work this morning at 4am and worked until 5pm. However while it made for a long day it wasn't bad other than the lack of sleep. Even with some Tylenol PM I was up the entire night. My mind was wondering off as usual about all kinds of different things. Not sure why but I kind of went the extra mile and dressed up a bit more than I usually do. Put on a bit of cologne, had a dress kind of shirt on, like what I used to wear when I would perform on stage and had my LV shades on. Nobody had seen me with my new haircut as well so it kinda drew a lot of attention wanted or not by a lot of people. I felt kind of odd since people probably expected I was dressed up because of Christine or something. Which I guess they are partially right in some sense. Felt good to actually dress nice for a change.
  10. Today has been very strange, I went to get a haircut and the hair dresser was someone who knew me. Before I even left the house to go I was having some tremors due to simply not being able to handle going out in public anymore. I took 1 of my adivan's to get things to stop and I managed to get through it. I was asked about what I was up to these days, just told her I was still working on guitars here and there. Then was asked about Natalie, if I had heard from her at all. She is getting married. So while I got my haircut finally, I was left with my heart just hurt feeling loneliness setting in along with flashbacks to when we used to be. Odd but while I was there Kristin sent me a message, told me that if I ever wanted to move up north she had an extra room if I wanted it. Sorry but even if I was to do that I'd feel very strange since people already thought we dated or something was going on between us. If I moved in with her then it'd just get weird. She led me on once before so I'm not falling for that again. So here I am hung up on someone from high school... Even after almost a decade because every shot I've taken has only led to hurt so I've sorta just given up. My friends on the other hand, Ryan for instance seems to have a much better chance with relationships if he ever wanted to take it. At work last weekend he was asked out by some girl who he worked with. Me... I've never been asked out by anyone period. Not really jealous, just something I at least have been noticing. He fits in with people much better compared to me. Yesterday Ryan mentioned Christine to me but I honestly turned my mind off with thinking anything through. Everyone around me at work knows I like her. They all know all too well. In fact I've taken days off work because of what people have said to me about any woman period. I just am really insecure about a lot of things. Maybe it is in my head but when you see it happening in front of you then perhaps it's not. I have always longed to escape and move somewhere new. Away from everyone who would even know me to begin with.
  11. Let me simply say this... Last night I took a shower, started thinking about why a lot of people simply don't want me around or would even want to be with me relationship wise. Thoughts about my family set in as well and I cried. I simply have to look at all the scars on my body from surgeries or simply looking at my left hand. 30 surgeries at least, probably some uncounted ones that I can't remember. I'm different, have always been but it's never really hit me until being more of an adult. It hits me even more when I even try asking someone out because they are for the most part fully normal people. Them being normal is probably a problem because if they're around me period it's a lot for them to take in. Probably when I ask someone out the first thing that comes to mind is "oh, Travis has a lot of medical problems so for that reason alone I should probably just let him down easy/lead him on awhile." Which has seemingly been the case every time. The other thing is me being a musician, I let them see my studio and that is also a lot for them to take in because it's a totally different world to them. The only thing I have been doing is playing guitar here and there but I put it down quickly. My Dad yesterday told me I was bored, and that I needed a project like building another guitar. I turned that down simply because it's something I don't feel like doing. He's the one with more guitar friends than me. I kinda hate saying this but I feel like I'm the son that failed in every since of the word. My Dad has told me multiple times that I needed a girlfriend... I don't feel like telling him about every time I've massively failed. He like everyone else just sees it from the outside, not knowing the mental damage that has been done over the years. By that I mean the surgeries, the growing up being different and not ever fitting in anywhere. If tonight is like last night I will shower, cry when I see myself in the mirror then take some medicine to help me sleep and maybe have some crazy flash back dream of when I used to perform on stage in front of hundreds of people without a fear in the world. I could never do that now. Then some thoughts about Christine will come along or someone else and that alone will continue to drive me mad.
  12. I guess today was ok, managed to get through the work day (12.5 hours) just fine for once. Got up at 3:30am, got pulled over about 15 minutes later for speeding, talked my way out and only got a warning. Went to first break and talked to Christine, she asked me why she hadn't seen me yesterday. I told her how yesterday morning was a total mess. Literally had my stomach hurting for hours, went from the shower back to my bed on loop every 5 minutes until 4am, called my boss and then fell asleep in the bathtub. After I got up from the bathtub I finally went to sleep in my bed. Woke up at 1pm and got some magnesium citrate stuff to flush my system and took a Tylenol for sleep... Talk about a bad way to spend a Friday. Decent day though today for a Saturday. Although one of Christine's friends (and one of the maintenance guys) keep suggesting that we should go out. They all know I like her... She knows I like her. And while I wouldn't mind going out with her I honestly don't think we should. Mainly because I am dealing with a lot of subconscious thoughts that I'm trying to get out of my head. Stuff from my past that keeps me up all night, makes me fear going out in public period... Makes me twitch like a total freak at times. It all comes from social anxiety and trauma from when I was a kid that for whatever reason I have not ever been able to rid myself free from. A new relationship as an example might sound like a good idea but I don't want to drag someone down into the mess of a man that I have become. Thanks to stuff that went on with Natalie years ago and just other people who outright made me into a social outcast. Even family members who I don't speak to made me into this mess. Time slowly made me become this way... I have always known it was happening but ignored it for years. Now while my friend Phillip from work has told me that it's all in my head he might be right but I'm not exactly sure. I need to go to therapy or something to talk things out. Christine doesn't hate me but my mind continues to think it... Honestly my mind thinks that a lot of people hate me.
  13. Had my cardiologist stuff done yesterday and things are now to the point that my heart literally can no longer handle the current work environment I am in. The odd hours, extreme lack of sleep and lastly the heat simply continues to make my blood pressure be consistently high all the time. Even with blood pressure medicine while I was at work today it shot up and I had to go home. My cardiologist told me that I needed to seriously start looking for other jobs, also told me to see a therapist of some kind because part of why it's so high is from anxiety and stress levels. My aorta valve is stable and has been for several years but my blood pressure certainly is completely out of control. Mainly the bottom number is always high like in the 90's constantly. This morning I went in at 4am, was there for maybe 2 hours got extremely short of breath because of the heat which was about 80 degrees or more. That alone made everything shoot up and while I did go home, slept a bit it's still blood pressure is still high. What I worry about mostly is what I am going to do for trying to find a new job. Ideally need to be in an office job and while I have some experience in computers and software and was going to college for a networking degree years ago I simply have never had a job in that kinda stuff. While I never have worked in retail I just might have to try and get a job at Costco but then again in general insurance stuff is what I am most concerned with compared to my current job which has really good benefits. For the moment I am taking everything in and figuring it out as I continue to go along on ride called life. This afternoon one of the managers called me and let me know that I shouldn't worry about my PTO time for my medical issues. I will say that they're fully aware of my medical issues, proud of the fact that despite of what I have been through I do not let it get me down. In fact my manager told me that when that time does come for me to leave my job or simply can no longer work that I shouldn't worry about it looking bad or anything like that. I worry about a lot of things, like everyone else. Everyone wants a sense of belonging, I have always struggled with it especially as an adult now. Everyone wants to be successful, however everything in my life has slowly fell off. Relationships? Well besides being with Natalie I have never been with anyone else. If I knew she would wreck my life literally then I would've never bothered with her in the first place.
  14. On Tuesday I spent the day working on my BSA and I took it around back roads for awhile. It did die on me because of a off/on switch acting up but I'm going to be fixing that pretty much when I have another day free from work. Went into work today only to end up working with Christine for part of the morning. At least this time I didn't totally freeze up around her or say anything stupid. Although me still having feelings for her (or towards any woman for that matter) does mess with my head... My co-worker Kevin told me that me thinking everyone hates me or some of my social problems are all in my head. To some extent he's right but in other ways he's not. I tend to overthink nearly every social situation when it comes to people who I barely know or around people who do in fact actually hate me which is several people but I'm not around them often. Basically it's to the point that as long as nobody (or myself even) brings up Natalie then I manage to do alright during the day. When I'm alone or without anybody around (at work or anywhere really) then my mind really starts to drift away and fall into negative zones and plenty of memories come back to haunt me. Mainly my many regrets on things I've said to people or have done that has simply damaged my reputation. My cousins still talk crap about me behind my back and simply don't talk to me. Many of my family members honestly no longer want to ever see me again. I don't blame them because I know I lied to them about a lot of things in the past. I lied to nearly everyone and to myself to basically keep myself together after splitting up with Natalie. While that has been over a decade ago nobody seems to want to just let that go or perhaps they don't really get why I was lying in the first place. If I could I'd apologize to everyone for it all... If I ever was to see Natalie ever again then I'd just run away... I genuinely am afraid of her and so many people from my past. When I was in high school many people socially set me off as a outcast... Even to this day I am a social outcast... That is honestly what I'm trying not to be. Why did I even bother asking Christine out in the first place? Why do I even try to talk to her or anyone? Because I no longer want to feel isolated, alone or pushed aside to the social trash can.
  15. I have done that and it seems to me like it just gets worse as time goes on. I feel it mainly when it comes to social stuff and being that most people around my age are doing much better it may for all I know be a facade. The people that I have to be around at work or even just the area I live in generally do not like me or even care to try to get to know me. My main area of failure would be fitting in with people my own age or those slightly younger. At work now though I don't bother going to the break rooms because of some of the people I'd have to be around. They've completely shut me away after finding out about Natalie... Who would've thought that someone I was with in high school would be what wrecked my entire life? Not that I don't try asking women out... I just always get rejected in some way. I only try asking women out if I really have some kind of feelings for them but it's never worked out. Honestly I feel like I was setup to fail and fall very hard the last time I asked someone out. Doesn't mean that I won't continue to be in love with them from afar... Which also really is just absolutely horrible to deal with. I do interesting things but nobody around here really shares any of those interests. Around here I still avoid people every time I do have to go out in public. I'm not as bad as I used to be but I still do it.
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