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depressedand

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About depressedand

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  1. I'm 28 years old. Only had two jobs in my life. One that I've stayed for 3 months back in 2010. And the one that I am at now which I've held for the last 5 years. It's a office job working for the government that is not very demanding, not many hours, pays reasonably well and it's really hard to get fired from. Actually there are millions of people here in my country who would trade their butts to get this job. People tell me I should be happy and grateful. Yet I am completely miserable. I find myself drinking alcohol every morning and carrying a hip flask to work so I can stand the absolute mundane boredom. I understand you when you say that you dont want to get another job without being medicated. I myself dont know how much further I can take this. It's been this way all the 5 years so I've been saving money since the first salary.
  2. Yes I love horror stories/movies and conspiracy theories
  3. I think that that would be terrible nutritionally. You might end up losing lots of vitamins, minerals, carbohydrates, fats and who knows what else. You might get weak and that doesn't help depression. Do you have a place where you can cook your own meal? If so, I highly recommend it. Even if you know nothing about cooking you can learn to cook the most basic meals pretty fast.
  4. I quite enjoyed reading your post. We have many similarities. I dont see the point of my job and I'm filled with dread about my daily life.
  5. I'm about the same. I'm 26, I work full-time now. Im not and never been in college for the same reason. I can't focus on stuff. There is no energy, no attention span, no motivation. I struggle on daily basis to go to work. If I was on a slightly more difficult job I would have been fired long time ago. I do just enough so I dont get fired. I dont have much energy to change this situation.
  6. I wonder if I'm aspergers myself. I think a lot about what could my life have been if I didn't have depression or if I had done a lot of things different. I often wish that I was born with a different body or in a family with a little more money. People often tell that there are many that are worse off than me, but that's no help because I know there are many who are better off than me.
  7. I used to believe in hard work. I used to believe in being in control, and in fighting for things, and creating my own destiny. But depression has taught me that we are not in control of our lives as we often like to think. We don't pick or parents, the place you were born, your sex, skin color. We don't pick our body features. And the truth is, doesn't matter how good we are, we are vulnerable to a lot of bad things. Here is an example. That airliner that was shot down over Ukraine in 2014 carried a bunch of clinical researchers that were going to go to an international conference about AIDS in Australia. Those people were top-notch doctors, highly-intelligent extremely successful people, with multiple degrees and such. Not only that, they contributed a lot to the world with their research. Yet, they got killed by a missile coming out of the sky with no warning. Not one of them could even imagine what was about to happen and they were absolutely powerless to change what happened to them.
  8. At my lunch break today and I couldnt for the life of me make it back to work. The depression was too great. I went home and here I am. I just wanna sleep. I dont know what my superior will tell me tomorrow. Honestly I would love to never set foot again in that office. Does anyone relate?
  9. My whole life is a series of strings on uncompleted tasks. I believe I have been letting stuff undone since childhood. Have a hard time completing the simplest tasks: showering, brushing my teeth, getting a night of sleep, doing the dishes, doing laundry, etc.
  10. I often feel worse when trying to get my act together. I have a tendency to be comfortable doing escapist behaviour like sleeping at inappropriate times, distracting myself with TV, internet and entertainment, isolating, etc. Trying to function and facing reality can bring about great pain and anguish for me. In fact, the exact reason I came to this website today (I'm not a frequent poster) was to talk about this exact topic. I just came back to work Tuesday this week after 23 days vacation. I'm having a hard time re-adapting to work again after this time away. Actually, I've always intensely disliked (maybe even hated) my current job but I've always been hable to hack it and accomodate myself somehow as to even feel comfortable sometimes in it. Now, I don't know how longer I can take this job anymore. I've been on it for nearly 3 years. Part of this exciting because this intense discomfort that I'm feeling this week is actually pushing me to do things to improve myself and get start the process of finding another job, like: studying, exercising, ask around about other jobs, shedding bad habits, etc. But it is very scary...
  11. Thats the reason I always carry knifes when walking my dogs. Everyone walking a dog should carry at least one, always.
  12. Of course. Everyday I wake up and think "this shouldnt be my life"
  13. I'm in a similar situation. Honestly, I only find solace when I'm isolated from people. Also I like alcohol and other drugs.
  14. Depression, anxiety and other mental ilness is on my family's DNA. Parents relationship between them is definetly dysfunctional. My relationship with them is dysfunctional as well. I first experienced depression, anxiety and OCD symptoms as 7 y-old kid. It has been a monkey in my back since then.
  15. You've been taking it daily or was it "as needed"? If you've been taking clonazepam daily for 10 years and now are going to suddenly stop, you're probably heading for a LOT of trouble. Stop benzos suddenly is DANGEROUS. The anxiety is part of the withdrawal. I never been in benzo withdrawal but I've been in *moderate* alcohol withdrawal and even that was very scary. Feeling like I was about to have a seizure in the next moment for days was not fun. Benzos act on the same part of the brain that alcohol does, so withdrawal from both it's a lot alike. But benzo withdrawal last much longer.
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