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ocdgirl

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Everything posted by ocdgirl

  1. Manic. At this moment I'm being asked What It's like when I'm manic. Thoughts yell in my head...... It's great. BUT I can't say that. i Think I talk nonstop about all the cool things I'm going to do, and the plans I've got laid out. About How I'm going to K*ill bill the s*it** out of my mental illness. None of that comes out of my mouth. I say , " I'm not sure when I'm manic. " I ask myself is the mania? Was I manic ? Would people notice? Should I tell her How all my K*ill bill s*it I invasioned only was about a week or two before it fell to pieces. NO. The girl in my head says . I hear the cycle, you have No control over it. It's a cycle that will happen No matter What you do. You see it this explains alot, doesn't it? Does it? Well, else do you explain lasting five weeks without your meds? I stare . I think, ALCOHOL. ALCOHOL. ALCOHOL. OH and, giving in the the girl in my head, you see it easier that way. Finally, I say I drank a lot. Almost everyday. Her thinking I drink too much is ...... nicer than What? Another confusing title. Right? Wait I'm handing in one title for another. I'm panicking at this point. She say's I think you're Bipolar. And I don't see how we can successfully treat your OCD, with out mood stabilizing drugs. And thats, that. I think my Dad was Bipolar I saw him ranpage through the house , I saw him so happy, it had to be real happiness, like Pinocchio becoming a real boy happiness. I say I never been that extreme. I think Well, you've mastered depression. That's because you have bad thoughts, good people don't think like you think. Desperation is your punishment. Pinocchio real boy s*it isn't What you get. Not even when it comes in a five letter work like mania. Mania. Happiness. Drugs. Where's the middle? Where's that land. I have had moments of happiness, right? Sure I think aabout them. My head is going in different directions. Questioning everything. She's already writing a prescription. he i am . with a new title . and i new thing it battle . any advice? i just took a bunch i meds. i stopped counting at 15. i just had a crazy episode. throwing things and crying and talking madness. i'm just ..... i don't even know. i'm scared. of the person in my head. i'm confused and sleepy.
  2. Hey everybody , I'm doing pretty terrible today. The images in my head of bad things. The depression is out of control. After last night and taking all of does benadryls, to help me sleep. They actually just made me have a like close to a mental breakdown. I felt like I was tripping in the worst possible way. Ended up sleeping all day today. Then didn't go to my therapist appointment and now I'm sitting in bed crying. I feel like I'm being punished for something, I don't I know what I did. For lack of a better word , Honestly all I can say that I just feel bad. Inside and trembling. Feeling like what is the point of all this. The meds. This therapy. The fact that I know that these thoughts from the OCD aren't going anywhere. No matter how many pills I pop the emptiness I make myself feel ...... there isn't a drug that's going to take them away. As long as those thoughts are in my head. My depression isn't going anywhere either. So what do I do?
  3. I know this is becoming a thing with me but i just can't sleep. I told my doctor and she said to take benadryl, over the counter, and i have just taken 100mg, and i am not sleepy yet. it honestly just gives me a crappy high. The next day i am tired at work. I'm starting to feel high and crappy now. i just don't feel well. Just depressed, meds are doing , can't sleep, ocd. To be honest, i really am feeling strange. Looking at the wall for long periods of time than i catch myself and think how long has it been. My sound seems out of tune. I think i am rambling ....... i can't center my thinking. I think i took to much. i just want to fall asleep.
  4. i did tell my doctor and she said take the otc, i am taking more but it's hard to go to sleep.
  5. My doc said to take benadryl to sleep. Is that weird?
  6. I can't sleep and i feel i just need to. Relaxing is not and option. Is it alright to take 150mg of benadryl to help me sleep? I just want fall asleep fast. I'm panicking. And i need to do something. i've taken 100mg before but not this much. Any advice?
  7. Today at 8:03 PM I can't sleep so I usually take extra klonopin ( like 10 mg ) or the Tylenol PM. But I did like 5 or 6 Tylenol PMs to feel a thing.I'm so anxious at night because I'm trying to relax. So the only thing I know how to do is try to call my mind. Yeah it's kinda counterproductive because then , all I do is end up thinking about all the things I don't want to think about ...... because I have nothing to preoccupy me. Cuz I'm laying in bed trying to sleep.Someone gave me some 5 milligram ambiens.And I was taking like 7 of them in a pop.I was delusional and I loved it. As crazy as that sounds. I was actually at peace. Because my mind had shut the f*** up.I told the Dr that all I feel is fear ,guilt, low self esteem, no motivation feel like locking myself in a room .She says I'm going to depression again. But those are obvious signs of depression. So what the f*** to do about it. Do I Just keep increasing and keep increasing and keep increasing and keep increasing. I feel like my life is just about how high my dose can go. And the excessive eating at night while I'm awake is out of control. I'm in a bad spot right now and I don't know how to get out of it. I feel like taking over my life. I give up things to appease my OCD. Any Advice. Sorry if you read this. I reposted because the first one I posted it's not there anymore?
  8. My post won't stay up. I don't know why, i'm having a really hard time right now. And need the advice. When I post it will only stay a few mins and then it's not there anymore?
  9. Sometimes, I wonder if I was trying to **** myself with those ambiens.
  10. I did see my Doctor. I'm getting anywhere. Nothing a the moment is clamming me down. Not even my Guitar.
  11. I can't sleep so I usually take extra klonopin ( like 10 mg ) or the Tylenol PM. But I did like 5 or 6 Tylenol PMs to feel a thing.I'm so anxious at night because I'm trying to relax. So the only thing I know how to do is try to call my mind. Yeah it's kinda counterproductive because then , all I do is end up thinking about all the things I don't want to think about ...... because I have nothing to preoccupy me. Cuz I'm laying in bed trying to sleep.Someone gave me some 5 milligram ambiens.And I was taking like 7 of them in a pop.I was delusional and I loved it. As crazy as that sounds. I was actually at peace. Because my mind had shut the f*** up.I told the Dr that all I feel is fear ,guilt, low self esteem, no motivation feel like locking myself in a room .She says I'm going to depression again. But those are obvious signs of depression. So what the f*** to do about it. Do I Just keep increasing and keep increasing and keep increasing and keep increasing. I feel like my life is just about how high my dose can go. And the excessive eating at night while I'm awake is out of control. I'm in a bad spot right now and I don't know how to get out of it. I feel like taking over my life. I give up things to appease my OCD.
  12. I can't sleep at night so I usually take extra klonopin ( like 10 mg ) or the Tylenol . Pm's.. ... But I did like 5 or 6 Tylenol PMs to feel a thing. I'm so anxious at night because I'm trying to relax. So the only thing I know how to do is try to call my mind. Yeah it's kinda counterproductive because then , all I do is end up thinking about all the things I don't want to think about ...... because I have nothing to preoccupy me. Cuz I'm laying in bed trying to sleep. Someone gave me some 5 milligram ambiens. And I was taking like 7 of them in a pop. I was delusional and I loved it. As crazy as that sounds. I was actually at peace. Because my mind had shut the F*** up. I told the Dr that all I feel is fear guilt low self esteem no motivation feel like locking myself in a room . She says I'm going to depression again. But those are obvious signs of depression. So what the f*** to do about it. Just keep increase and keep increasing and keep increasing and keep increasing. I feel like my life is just about how high my dose can go. The excessive eating is out of control while I'm up at night. The self harm. I'm in a bad place right now and I don't know what to do.
  13. To sleep at night I usually take extra klonopins ( like 10 mg ) or the Tylenol PM. But I need like 5 or 6 Tylenol PMs to feel a thing. I'm so anxious at night because trying to relax. So the only thing I know how to do is try to calm my mind. Yeah it's kinda counterproductive because then , all I do is end up thinking about all the things I do not want to think about ...... because I have nothing to preoccupy me. Cuz I'm laying in bed trying to sleep. Someone gave me some 5 milligram ambiens. And I was taking like 7 of them in a pop. I was delusional and I loved it. As crazy as that sounds. I was actually at peace. Because my mind had shut the F*** up. I told the Dr that all I feel is fear , guilt , low self esteem no motivation feel like locking myself in a room . She says I'm going to depression again. But those are obvious signs of depression. So what the f*** to do about it. Just keep increasing and keep increasing and keep increasing and keep increasing. I feel like my life is just about how high my dose can go. Not to mention the excessive eating while I'm up at night. Everything is setting my ticks everything . on one compulsion after the other . Negative thoughts. Self harm. Crying while I write this. This is who I am. And I feel like this is who i'll always be. Nothing more than this mental illness. What is the f****** point of all this therapy and the pills pills pills. I just keep giving up to appease my mental illness. I am NOT in a good place right now.
  14. Sometimes when I leave therapy I don't feeling better. Its like I feel ashamed of the things that talk about. Like somehow be punished for talking about them. So I just nag myself over them. And think about them constantly. So when I leave therapy I don't feel any easy. And I know or I've heard therapy is suppose to give you a sense of relief. I told my therapist this. He says that it has to do with my personality. Anyone else feel this way after therapy session.
  15. Hi O,I don't feel like you let me down. You'll tell him when you're ready. And you seem to recognize that the behavior is wrong. That you understand the difference between right and wrong is crucial. I understand the embarrassment about this topic. I've been there. But I do think that if you're afraid of you're therapist's reaction, maybe start to look at your relationship with him. What do you think he would do? What's the fear? You're on the right track. If you can't be entirely open about it, maybe just open the door to the topic. In the meantime, talk to that friend you can trust. And by the way, you are changing. By acknowledging and seeking help. What helped me, was asking myself how it physically felt to do it. Pain? Pleasure? No feeling at al…. ect. I analyzed the H out of it. That's me, though. Be aware of your body ((((ocdg)))) I think my biggest fear is being sent back to crisis. Are him telling me that I need to stay in a mental facility for a little while. Or being hospitalized. I'm not sure what to do. When I do self harm I feel completely pathetic at the same time I feel the proud. That sounds crazy.
  16. Next Friday. Yeah I do. but it's me who needs to change. You know.
  17. A few days ago, I made a post about me going to the therapist. And the post was generally was about my self harm , and telling my therapist about it for the first time. Some of you guys gave me some really good advice. And said that I should tell him for my own good. But, I just couldn't seem to tell him. I am afraid of what he might do. i am also embarrassed. But now, i don't know how to do this. I know it needs to be done. I feel like a *****.
  18. Thank you for your advice, you all have given me more confidence. I guess I never just thought that he's heard it plenty of times before.
  19. Thanks. Have to work courage up. Plus my therapist is young so sometimes I feel like and older male would be easier to tell it to. If that makes sense. I don't want you to think I don't like my therapist , I do. But it's just a weird topic.... and so personal and foolish. I think I know what you mean. I have PTSD due to abuse and neglect at the hands of a male perpetrator. And for that reason I've never felt comfortable discussing those issues with a male therapist. I've always preferred women. It's like I felt like they might be better able to understand and empathize. Are you attracted to your therapist by any chance? I have trouble discussing any embarrassing medical stuff with men I find attractive. As for it being a weird topic, I'd bet money that he's heard it before. Many times. And probably stuff that's worse. That's his job.I'm really sure I don't think I'm attracted to him.He's a cute guy but he know I'm weird. And I'm cried in front of him. So...... I'm only been to see him 5 times. He's my new therapist, after coming out of crisis. My old therapist was a woman. She retired.
  20. Hey suntanned, Thanks, it's just a good feeling to know I'm not alone. Thank you for letting me know. I think I will make the notes. I might even make a letter, writing out what I will say. To get ready. Also, he gives me homework and I sometimes don't do it. So I will have to tell him that..... I need a super chill pill. Badly. And the Zoloft isn't doing much work on that. I need a overhaul. Lol. Increases. I don't know. Lol. Thanks again. Really.
  21. Hey Shayne, I think I told you I take Zoloft to. My doctor said two weeks. I think it takes much longer to fully feel a change. I'm in a rut so I don't think it's helping. Yet, if you feel a change. Stay with your plan. Because I think that it will help more with the anxiety. I started out on a hundred milligrams. So I think that an increase wouldn't hurt. Just talk to your doctor about it. Beck.
  22. Thank you, Ratboy I will do my best not to freak and just let him know about it.
  23. Honestly what you said, is a little true I think I'm afraid of what he might do. As far as putting me back in crisis.
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