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Everything posted by quentin360

  1. I can honestly say that I am at my wits end as far as antidepressants go. I've been on most every antidepressant you can think of and I'm sick of it. I wanted to try the TMS therapy but they never got back to me. I'm now on 2 mood stabilizers and am going to try Trintelex yet again. Mostly the only relief I get is abusing Adderall but then that doesn't last long and ends up me being more depressed.
  2. I just got out of bed and I am wondering if I will ever get completely sober and stop self medicating. I went 12 days in rehab and I am back where I started, but worse....
  3. Hey Charlee. I am so sorry you are at this point but I do understand. I reached a really bad point a few weeks ago so I checked myself into a rehab and was on the psych ward for 12 days. Are you on any antidepressants and do you see a therapist? I've been dealing with depression all of my adult life and I know what is worse than the depression is when you become hopeless. I know that I can say "just hang in there"but those are just words. Please just do whatever you can to not reach that point you speak of. You're welcome to message me anytime. I wish you the best and am praying for you
  4. I can totally relate. I have absolutely no pleasure in my life. I just feel numb all the time. I'm trying a little cognitive therapy myself. That and the other you mentioned you can find books on it. I found one on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/DBT-Books/s?k=DBT&rh=n%3A283155 or https://www.amazon.com/Best-Sellers-Books-Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy/zgbs/books/10166942011
  5. Well myself, I have been in quarantine on two different occasions and have had one loved one to die from it and too many family and friends that have it but I try not to worry too much about it but to just wear my mask when I'm around people. I mostly stay home alone anyway except when I'm volunteering at a local ministry where I know the risks are high but I guess I've just given it to the Lord and what will be will be. I'm sorry for anyone on here that is affected by it and you're all in my prayers
  6. It's January 2, 2021 and I'm trying to figure out how to end this life once and for all. I wish I owned a gun because that seems pain-free and quick. I think the worst feeling a person can have on top of the depression and hopelessness is to be convinced that God has forsaken you and doesn't want a damn thing to do with you no matter how hard you try to please him and do good things. All of my life I have tried to be good to my fellow man. Over the past four years, even though losing my vision and cannot drive, I found a way to get rides to a place where I volunteer at a local ministry and I also became involved in my church but I do have a drug problem in that I am addicted to meds that were given to me to treat my disability. I've been going to therapy constantly for the past four years and staying on so many antidepressants but they always seem to stop working at some point. I have overcame so many things in my life but I just can't seem to overcome this depression and hopelessness and pill popping to self medicate. I know you're not supposed to but I have really grown to hate God for always seeming to use me in many different ways but never given me any sort of approval and I'm just done. I'll figure out the right way to do it but there is no doubt I have to do it because I refuse to live another new year the way I have lived the past 10 to 20 new years. I guess if anyone reading this could somehow put a little hope back in me where now there is non-then by all means.

    1. samadhiSheol


      Hi, I haven't seen you on DF for a while. 

      I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Nothing I can say can make you feel better. Only you have the power to do that. But what I and others on DF, and perhaps someone irl can do(?) , is be with you, at least in spirit. 

      They say that God works in mysterious ways. Now I am not a believer,  at least in any religious sense. And to me this sounds like so much claptrap. I never understood the point in the plot of god/devil, good/evil, playing out like a cosmic board game, where everyone knows who will win anyhow. 

      IF there is a "god" , we have no way of knowing about him/her/it. And by the same token, I don't believe  god can truly connect with us(that is if God exists in the first place ). 

      I mean no disrespect if you are a believer of the Christian faith. Or Islamic. Or Jewish. Etc. 

      What I am trying to say is, if there IS a god, we should live our lives to our best abilities, not because of a promised redemption, but because it is what WE WANT TO DO. 

      God or no, the only thing that makes any real sense is that we do in fact have free will. That it is in our power to make choices that speak to us, and perhaps not cause too much harm around us...! 

      Any choice you make is yours and yours alone. God, if God exists, HAS TO honor your choice, if it yours and it aligns with who you truly are. If God doesn't exist, exactly the same. 

      This garbeled and I apologise. I hope you feel a bit better at least. Not because of anything I said, but because ultimately you deserve to. We all do. 


    2. quentin360


      Thank you so much for your reply. I am a believer but I think that's what makes it so much more difficult. I go to a church where I'm not judged whatsoever but the thing is I judge myself way too harshly. I call myself working on myself for the past 20 years and feeling like I've gotten nowhere. But again thank you for your reply.

  7. It's hard to do, when you're in this severe depressive state of mind but yes I have things that I am grateful for and they are, my church family that I have grown close to, I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head and food on my table and I am grateful for my dog and my cat but I know I have more than that to be grateful for and I should get back to gratitude journaling.
  8. Hello to all, it's been a a while since I've been here. Right now I just feel exhausted as I've been up most of the night like many other nights. In the past I have reached a points of hopelessness and can tell you the depression takes on a whole new meaning when you become hopeless that it will ever change. About three years ago I finally took a leap of faith and started volunteering at a local ministry and became involved very much in my church. I also started therapy, so I really believe I was on the right path. I don't know about you guys but there have been so many eureka moments in my life where I would think I had the answer and things were going to get better but was shot down every time. Volunteering at the hand of hope and my church was a really good choice as I was able to get out of myself and help others. My pastor ran the place and it became too much for him and he resigned. As I cannot drive he would pick me up every morning and take me back home and that ended and finding rides is not so easy plus this virus crap of course I still go to church and was really excited the first year but again I started resenting God and would just sit there in my depression and negative thoughts. For the past couple of weeks now and especially today I feel absolutely hopeless and have no idea how to make things better, how to deal with this depression and loneliness and I still use my prescription medications to self medicate but that only makes it worse now. I've also fallen into thinking that at age 52 that it's possibly too late for me anyway and that I'm going to die with too many regrets to count. I'm somewhat of a leader in our church and I'm asked to pray for the congregation a lot but at home there ain't much praying and when I do pray is that God would take me away from it all and not make me wake up the next morning. Throughout the day I'm constantly thinking about how to commit suicide and if there was a painless way to do it, I would but I'm also a coward. I mean each month I get from my doctor 120 Vicodin and 90 Xanax and also 90 Adderall so if I could get over my fear I think all three at one time would do the trick. On the depression forum I've always told people that were suicidal that something good could be right around the corner and I've held on for that reason to but I just don't see it anymore. Thanks for letting me vent and I wish only good things for everyone here...
  9. This is a really good thread that y'all started. I do have many things to be grateful for but here are three. I am first grateful that even though I went blind at age 12, I regained my vision at 17 years old and was able to get a degree in photography. This should have been first, but I am grateful, very grateful that through all my years of screwing up and doing some things I now regret, God never did give up on me. I am grateful for a roof over my head, food to eat, close to where and my cat and dog and of course my family. Thanks for this thread
  10. George, I feel like I know where you're coming from but let me tell you. When I was 11 I was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease and at age 12 went blind and have been suffering from severe depression ever since with many suicide attempts. I'm far from having any talents and I constantly feel like there is no good in me. But a few years ago I stopped focusing on myself and started focusing on others and I found that we all as human beings do have a purpose, we can do what we can to help others and just get out of ourselves. You want a rewarding life then seek to help others and forget about what's so wrong in your own life because believe me there are many others a lot less fortunate than you and me. I do know how you feel, do take a chance and step out into the world where so many others need you. Be good my friend
  11. Well I'm feeling very blessed right now although the days still can be very difficult. We had our fall Festival at my church on Saturday and I really had a great time being in charge of the bouncy house for the kids. I went through a month or so of horrible depression and just wanted to die but on the other hand I feel like I have more to do and I have a purpose and that's making others happy as best I can. Just because I may not be happy and have not been happy in many many years doesn't mean I can't make someone's day.
  12. Hello my friend. I totally applaud you for sticking by your mother and taking care of her. Back in 1996 I had a great career going for me but I had to drop everything and move back to my home state to take care of my father and my mother. My mother actually took care of my father and he was a mean drunk. So after he passed my mother became greatly ill and I moved in with her and took care of her until she passed in 2011. I guess you can say I've been working on reconstructing my life ever since. I'm sorry for the troubles you're having with your wife leaving and just the way things are right now for you but have faith my friend, your obviously a good person and things will come back to you during your reconstruction of your life. I do believe in the law of reciprocity. Welcome to our forum and if you need to talk personally or privately you're welcome to message me. Above all, be good to yourself
  13. I don't really remember what I dreamed last night other than there was a baby in my dream. But I do dream often. Once or twice I dreamed there are demons after me but I mostly dream of good things like my mother who passed away and I dream I'm flying a lot. I once dreamed of moving away from this town and moving across the country as if to escape my problems but then it happened and I did move away and it was just like what I had dreamed. The other night I dreamed I was in a Christmas winter wonderland riding a bicycle through the snow and going to a cabin filled with decorations. Maybe because I have not had a good Christmas in 20 years or so and I would really like to. Anyway I'll post when I have something solid that I have dreamed about.
  14. I have to agree that there are toxic people that it's best to stay away from because it is contagious. But I also have to say that there are some really good people in this world that only want to help their fellow man. The thing is I believe we must be kind to everyone we come across because we really have no idea what they might be going through in their own life. We are commanded to love one another and that includes the toxic people, although we don't have to let them bring us down just stay away. Most people just want what most of us want and that's to be loved and be happy. Let's don't stereotype the whole world as being bad. I can sit here in my depression for days and weeks and not have anyone, other than my sister, check on the but I do not judge them. Sometimes I have to be the one to pick up the phone and call someone. [image: Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.]
  15. Hey if you're talking about the TMS therapy, I've just been doing my own research though the doctor said TMS therapy, unlike ECT therapy is safe and very effective. I read that there is over 80% success rate for people with depression but you have to do it three or more times a week for a certain period of time. They put a magnet to your skull in the areas that control mood and depression and they say that it activates those areas of the brain and I do feel like my brain needs waking up or something.
  16. Mikala, since I was 12 I've been on just about every antidepressant that you can think of and I absolutely agree sometimes certain ones to make the depression worse. Last month they put me on Lamictal, a mood stabilizer and it did not agree with me, it made me so much more depressed and made me feel like I was in another world if you know what I mean. But I got off of it and now I am on Depakote, just to the second one. So I am on Trintilex, Rexulti and Depakote. Sometimes I just want to go cold turkey on all of them but I fear I will become a basket case. Now what I think is the biggest problem is that I've been taking Adderall for over 10 years now and I'm almost positive that it doesn't mix well with the antidepressants so I'm working on getting off of the Adderall which is almost impossible as I am addicted. Anyway thanks for your prayers I certainly need them and I will pray for you as well my friend
  17. I know very well how you feel my friend. For so long when someone asked me how I'm doing, if they are close friends, I now hesitantly tell them about my severe depression but I'm tired of talking about it because I feel like they are tired of hearing it. I tried to talk to my sister about how depressed I've been but she cuts me off and ends up arguing with me that I'm not trying hard enough. I've been suffering with this severe depression since I was 12 and now I am 51 and I have been through about 11 treatment centers over the years and I too am at a point where I have lost hope and have absolutely no idea what to do. I was put on yet another new medication today so maybe that will help. As far as you asking for help perhaps you're not asking the right people. If you are not in therapy or on meds consider that and perhaps go for an inpatient stay at a treatment center where they are there to help. You're in my prayers my friend and I hope both of us can have some joy soon
  18. quentin360

    life goes on

    nojoy, I know very well what you're talking about. Along with my severe physical disabilities I have to deal with this damn severe depression, but by God life goes on whether I wanted to or not. I live alone and the loneliness kills me but I do volunteer at a local ministry and for the most part it helps me get out of myself but a lot of times wherever I am, there I am with my misery. I tried desperately to be an optimist but that's easier said than done. I do contemplate ending it all every single day but I don't and life goes on. I do hang on to the thought that things could get better right around the corner but that starting to seem ridiculous to me but I hang on. You to hang on my friend and possibly these may get better with you. As hard as it is try to be good to yourself as best you can
  19. How do you start a conversation with a fish? Drop him a line...lol
  20. Hey I know exactly what you mean. When things are going good and you tell people about it somehow it seems to sabotage her progress and I don't know why. I've gotten to where I don't tell my friends or family when I'm doing really good because I'm afraid it will turn around on me. But keep up the progress and if you have to just keep it to yourself.
  21. Right now I feel like I would do anything to get over this depression because it's been going on for far too long. The doctor started me on Depakote and I just took my first one. I would appreciate any input from anyone who has taken Depakote and how it has worked for you. The doctor also asked me to check into TMS and ECT therapy. I don't think I want to do ECT but the TMS therapy seems promising. If anyone has been through the TMS therapy please let me know how it went with y'all.
  22. Well it's 8:00 AM here in South Georgia and I'm getting ready to go see my psychiatrist. They put me on a new mood stabilizer, I forget the name, but I'm not so sure it's agreeing with me. All I know is I've been in a hell of a depression for over a month now and thinking about the changes I know I need to make in my life. Since 1995 I've been in various inpatient treatment programs for the depression and drug use as I do self medicate. It just doesn't work anymore, the self-medicating with pain pills an Adderall, in fact I would have to say it just makes the depression worse and even though I use them as prescribed, I use them for all the wrong reasons. It's going to take a great deal of faith to go back into may be a 30 day stay in a treatment center as I have done that so many times before. But all I know is at 51 years old I don't know how long I have left in this world but I just want to get rid of the past and try to make the best of what I have left. That means letting go of everything over to my higher power and somehow ignoring this awful ego that gets me in trouble all the time. I'm going to finish out October and go into my last day at a rehab, as I will never do it again so this has to count. I'm just tired, so tired, of just existing and daily thinking about how to **** myself and end it all. This is no way to live for anybody. So wish me luck and I would appreciate prayers from my fellow believers...

    1. samadhiSheol


      All the best, @quentin360.  I hope you feel better soon.

      I for one are am glad you are still around.

    2. Rattler6
  23. Hello everyone. I need to vent a little because this has been one hell of a month and I'm still struggling to pull myself up out of the deep hole. About a month ago the severe depression returned with massive force so I went to my psychiatrist who informed me that he could not raise the milligrams of the medication I was on, that I was taking maximum so I figured well I guess I am screwed. I pushed myself to get out and go to a volunteer position I'd been in for a couple of years with my pastor and he up and decided to resign and that was a massive blow to me as he took me there every day and it was my estate from reality. It was my way of getting out of myself and helping others. But it's good that others there are more than happy to come get me a ride up there when I need to go as I can drive since I lost my vision. The doctor put me on a mood stabilizer and it might be helping but it may be too soon to know. I spent Monday through Thursday sitting in my recliner in front of the television not watching anything just in my thoughts and they can be very detrimental to me as all I can think about is how to go about ******* myself. I am a born again Christian and am confused and maybe some of y'all can clear this up. Some preachers say that if you commit suicide that you are going to hell and I'm sorry but I just cannot accept that. I mean when someone like myself have went through hell most of their life with severe depression and hopelessness and God does not seem to be anywhere around. When we reach a point as many have is like we have no choice and see no way out. So why would God after seeing someone go through the despair and hopelessness of severe depression as many of us have and then through desperation commit suicide I can accept that he would send us the hell because we've been in hell this whole time anyway. I'm not going to **** myself mainly because I'm too big of a coward and I don't like paying and I do fear the unknown. Tonight I'm feeling a little bit hopeful but that could be gone when I wake up in the morning because it's like a roller coaster ride. We just go up and down up and down and it is so frustrating. And yes what makes my life so hard is that I am alone living in this big house. I burn any bridges and I never married and had children which was my dream when I was a teenager. It's hard because when I'm alone that's when the devil gets in my and repeats all the bull ship that my father put in my head long ago and I guess he was right I don't think I turned out to be much of a people in my life, believe it or not, think of me as an inspiration to them because I've overcome this neuromuscular disease I have plus be blind. And I have overcome those two things. But I will tell you I haven't and I don't think I ever will overcome the depression and yes the self-medicating drug use that doesn't seem to help much more I just do it to feel somewhat normal. I used to be a very positive man and I had God in my life without a doubt, just not so much anymore as if he turned his back on me, of course other Christians claim that it's me that turn my back on him but I have did everything anything and everything I felt God wanted me but I did not get the one and only thing I pray for throughout the day, and that would be peace and contentment. I'm just rambling now and if you read this I'll thank you. Please feel free to comment and I have no problem getting constructive criticism. Take care of yourselves my friends...
  24. Well Duck, I'm certainly glad you're still with us and I'm glad you're doing better. There are so many people that feel they have no choice left but to end it all and I guess they're not able to take a moment and realize, that help and positive change could be right around the corner. But once it's done, it's over with and it is so very sad. Just keep up the good work and know that your work any amount of effort to get your head on straight
  25. Hello people, again I've not been here in a little while but I figure while were on the subject of how do I feel right now I would post. I would like to say that I feel just fantastic, did you pick up on the sarcasm, but seriously I feel better than many other days that were very horrible. Today I've just been in my thoughts realizing how much I have let fear control me and what I do and I am sick and tired of it. I have been self-medicating with Adderall for the past 15 years and I'm at a point where I hate them and I'm going to do whatever the doctor says to get off of them. They simply cloud my mind so much more than it already is and is not so good for my blood pressure either. It's hard enough to deal with the really bad days of severe depression than to deal with an addiction at the same time. So right now what I feel is hopeful but angry at everything I've missed because of the Adderall but also because of the depression. I simply need to have more faith and that is the bottom line... Be good to your selves...
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