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quentin360 last won the day on November 11 2017

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About quentin360

  • Birthday 05/24/1968

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    Photography and the outdoors.

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  1. I can honestly say that I am at my wits end as far as antidepressants go. I've been on most every antidepressant you can think of and I'm sick of it. I wanted to try the TMS therapy but they never got back to me. I'm now on 2 mood stabilizers and am going to try Trintelex yet again. Mostly the only relief I get is abusing Adderall but then that doesn't last long and ends up me being more depressed.
  2. I just got out of bed and I am wondering if I will ever get completely sober and stop self medicating. I went 12 days in rehab and I am back where I started, but worse....
  3. Hey Charlee. I am so sorry you are at this point but I do understand. I reached a really bad point a few weeks ago so I checked myself into a rehab and was on the psych ward for 12 days. Are you on any antidepressants and do you see a therapist? I've been dealing with depression all of my adult life and I know what is worse than the depression is when you become hopeless. I know that I can say "just hang in there"but those are just words. Please just do whatever you can to not reach that point you speak of. You're welcome to message me anytime. I wish you the best and am praying for you
  4. I can totally relate. I have absolutely no pleasure in my life. I just feel numb all the time. I'm trying a little cognitive therapy myself. That and the other you mentioned you can find books on it. I found one on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/DBT-Books/s?k=DBT&rh=n%3A283155 or https://www.amazon.com/Best-Sellers-Books-Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy/zgbs/books/10166942011
  5. Well myself, I have been in quarantine on two different occasions and have had one loved one to die from it and too many family and friends that have it but I try not to worry too much about it but to just wear my mask when I'm around people. I mostly stay home alone anyway except when I'm volunteering at a local ministry where I know the risks are high but I guess I've just given it to the Lord and what will be will be. I'm sorry for anyone on here that is affected by it and you're all in my prayers
  6. It's January 2, 2021 and I'm trying to figure out how to end this life once and for all. I wish I owned a gun because that seems pain-free and quick. I think the worst feeling a person can have on top of the depression and hopelessness is to be convinced that God has forsaken you and doesn't want a damn thing to do with you no matter how hard you try to please him and do good things. All of my life I have tried to be good to my fellow man. Over the past four years, even though losing my vision and cannot drive, I found a way to get rides to a place where I volunteer at a local ministry and I also became involved in my church but I do have a drug problem in that I am addicted to meds that were given to me to treat my disability. I've been going to therapy constantly for the past four years and staying on so many antidepressants but they always seem to stop working at some point. I have overcame so many things in my life but I just can't seem to overcome this depression and hopelessness and pill popping to self medicate. I know you're not supposed to but I have really grown to hate God for always seeming to use me in many different ways but never given me any sort of approval and I'm just done. I'll figure out the right way to do it but there is no doubt I have to do it because I refuse to live another new year the way I have lived the past 10 to 20 new years. I guess if anyone reading this could somehow put a little hope back in me where now there is non-then by all means.

    1. samadhiSheol


      Hi, I haven't seen you on DF for a while. 

      I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Nothing I can say can make you feel better. Only you have the power to do that. But what I and others on DF, and perhaps someone irl can do(?) , is be with you, at least in spirit. 

      They say that God works in mysterious ways. Now I am not a believer,  at least in any religious sense. And to me this sounds like so much claptrap. I never understood the point in the plot of god/devil, good/evil, playing out like a cosmic board game, where everyone knows who will win anyhow. 

      IF there is a "god" , we have no way of knowing about him/her/it. And by the same token, I don't believe  god can truly connect with us(that is if God exists in the first place ). 

      I mean no disrespect if you are a believer of the Christian faith. Or Islamic. Or Jewish. Etc. 

      What I am trying to say is, if there IS a god, we should live our lives to our best abilities, not because of a promised redemption, but because it is what WE WANT TO DO. 

      God or no, the only thing that makes any real sense is that we do in fact have free will. That it is in our power to make choices that speak to us, and perhaps not cause too much harm around us...! 

      Any choice you make is yours and yours alone. God, if God exists, HAS TO honor your choice, if it yours and it aligns with who you truly are. If God doesn't exist, exactly the same. 

      This garbeled and I apologise. I hope you feel a bit better at least. Not because of anything I said, but because ultimately you deserve to. We all do. 


    2. quentin360


      Thank you so much for your reply. I am a believer but I think that's what makes it so much more difficult. I go to a church where I'm not judged whatsoever but the thing is I judge myself way too harshly. I call myself working on myself for the past 20 years and feeling like I've gotten nowhere. But again thank you for your reply.

  7. It's hard to do, when you're in this severe depressive state of mind but yes I have things that I am grateful for and they are, my church family that I have grown close to, I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head and food on my table and I am grateful for my dog and my cat but I know I have more than that to be grateful for and I should get back to gratitude journaling.
  8. Hello to all, it's been a a while since I've been here. Right now I just feel exhausted as I've been up most of the night like many other nights. In the past I have reached a points of hopelessness and can tell you the depression takes on a whole new meaning when you become hopeless that it will ever change. About three years ago I finally took a leap of faith and started volunteering at a local ministry and became involved very much in my church. I also started therapy, so I really believe I was on the right path. I don't know about you guys but there have been so many eureka moments in my life where I would think I had the answer and things were going to get better but was shot down every time. Volunteering at the hand of hope and my church was a really good choice as I was able to get out of myself and help others. My pastor ran the place and it became too much for him and he resigned. As I cannot drive he would pick me up every morning and take me back home and that ended and finding rides is not so easy plus this virus crap of course I still go to church and was really excited the first year but again I started resenting God and would just sit there in my depression and negative thoughts. For the past couple of weeks now and especially today I feel absolutely hopeless and have no idea how to make things better, how to deal with this depression and loneliness and I still use my prescription medications to self medicate but that only makes it worse now. I've also fallen into thinking that at age 52 that it's possibly too late for me anyway and that I'm going to die with too many regrets to count. I'm somewhat of a leader in our church and I'm asked to pray for the congregation a lot but at home there ain't much praying and when I do pray is that God would take me away from it all and not make me wake up the next morning. Throughout the day I'm constantly thinking about how to commit suicide and if there was a painless way to do it, I would but I'm also a coward. I mean each month I get from my doctor 120 Vicodin and 90 Xanax and also 90 Adderall so if I could get over my fear I think all three at one time would do the trick. On the depression forum I've always told people that were suicidal that something good could be right around the corner and I've held on for that reason to but I just don't see it anymore. Thanks for letting me vent and I wish only good things for everyone here...
  9. This is a really good thread that y'all started. I do have many things to be grateful for but here are three. I am first grateful that even though I went blind at age 12, I regained my vision at 17 years old and was able to get a degree in photography. This should have been first, but I am grateful, very grateful that through all my years of screwing up and doing some things I now regret, God never did give up on me. I am grateful for a roof over my head, food to eat, close to where and my cat and dog and of course my family. Thanks for this thread
  10. George, I feel like I know where you're coming from but let me tell you. When I was 11 I was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease and at age 12 went blind and have been suffering from severe depression ever since with many suicide attempts. I'm far from having any talents and I constantly feel like there is no good in me. But a few years ago I stopped focusing on myself and started focusing on others and I found that we all as human beings do have a purpose, we can do what we can to help others and just get out of ourselves. You want a rewarding life then seek to help others and forget about what's so wrong in your own life because believe me there are many others a lot less fortunate than you and me. I do know how you feel, do take a chance and step out into the world where so many others need you. Be good my friend
  11. Well I'm feeling very blessed right now although the days still can be very difficult. We had our fall Festival at my church on Saturday and I really had a great time being in charge of the bouncy house for the kids. I went through a month or so of horrible depression and just wanted to die but on the other hand I feel like I have more to do and I have a purpose and that's making others happy as best I can. Just because I may not be happy and have not been happy in many many years doesn't mean I can't make someone's day.
  12. Hello my friend. I totally applaud you for sticking by your mother and taking care of her. Back in 1996 I had a great career going for me but I had to drop everything and move back to my home state to take care of my father and my mother. My mother actually took care of my father and he was a mean drunk. So after he passed my mother became greatly ill and I moved in with her and took care of her until she passed in 2011. I guess you can say I've been working on reconstructing my life ever since. I'm sorry for the troubles you're having with your wife leaving and just the way things are right now for you but have faith my friend, your obviously a good person and things will come back to you during your reconstruction of your life. I do believe in the law of reciprocity. Welcome to our forum and if you need to talk personally or privately you're welcome to message me. Above all, be good to yourself
  13. I don't really remember what I dreamed last night other than there was a baby in my dream. But I do dream often. Once or twice I dreamed there are demons after me but I mostly dream of good things like my mother who passed away and I dream I'm flying a lot. I once dreamed of moving away from this town and moving across the country as if to escape my problems but then it happened and I did move away and it was just like what I had dreamed. The other night I dreamed I was in a Christmas winter wonderland riding a bicycle through the snow and going to a cabin filled with decorations. Maybe because I have not had a good Christmas in 20 years or so and I would really like to. Anyway I'll post when I have something solid that I have dreamed about.
  14. I have to agree that there are toxic people that it's best to stay away from because it is contagious. But I also have to say that there are some really good people in this world that only want to help their fellow man. The thing is I believe we must be kind to everyone we come across because we really have no idea what they might be going through in their own life. We are commanded to love one another and that includes the toxic people, although we don't have to let them bring us down just stay away. Most people just want what most of us want and that's to be loved and be happy. Let's don't stereotype the whole world as being bad. I can sit here in my depression for days and weeks and not have anyone, other than my sister, check on the but I do not judge them. Sometimes I have to be the one to pick up the phone and call someone. [image: Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.]
  15. Hey if you're talking about the TMS therapy, I've just been doing my own research though the doctor said TMS therapy, unlike ECT therapy is safe and very effective. I read that there is over 80% success rate for people with depression but you have to do it three or more times a week for a certain period of time. They put a magnet to your skull in the areas that control mood and depression and they say that it activates those areas of the brain and I do feel like my brain needs waking up or something.
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