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quentin360 last won the day on November 11 2017

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About quentin360

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  • Birthday 05/24/1968

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  1. Hello everyone. I need to vent a little because this has been one hell of a month and I'm still struggling to pull myself up out of the deep hole. About a month ago the severe depression returned with massive force so I went to my psychiatrist who informed me that he could not raise the milligrams of the medication I was on, that I was taking maximum so I figured well I guess I am screwed. I pushed myself to get out and go to a volunteer position I'd been in for a couple of years with my pastor and he up and decided to resign and that was a massive blow to me as he took me there every day and it was my estate from reality. It was my way of getting out of myself and helping others. But it's good that others there are more than happy to come get me a ride up there when I need to go as I can drive since I lost my vision. The doctor put me on a mood stabilizer and it might be helping but it may be too soon to know. I spent Monday through Thursday sitting in my recliner in front of the television not watching anything just in my thoughts and they can be very detrimental to me as all I can think about is how to go about ******* myself. I am a born again Christian and am confused and maybe some of y'all can clear this up. Some preachers say that if you commit suicide that you are going to hell and I'm sorry but I just cannot accept that. I mean when someone like myself have went through hell most of their life with severe depression and hopelessness and God does not seem to be anywhere around. When we reach a point as many have is like we have no choice and see no way out. So why would God after seeing someone go through the despair and hopelessness of severe depression as many of us have and then through desperation commit suicide I can accept that he would send us the hell because we've been in hell this whole time anyway. I'm not going to **** myself mainly because I'm too big of a coward and I don't like paying and I do fear the unknown. Tonight I'm feeling a little bit hopeful but that could be gone when I wake up in the morning because it's like a roller coaster ride. We just go up and down up and down and it is so frustrating. And yes what makes my life so hard is that I am alone living in this big house. I burn any bridges and I never married and had children which was my dream when I was a teenager. It's hard because when I'm alone that's when the devil gets in my and repeats all the bull ship that my father put in my head long ago and I guess he was right I don't think I turned out to be much of a people in my life, believe it or not, think of me as an inspiration to them because I've overcome this neuromuscular disease I have plus be blind. And I have overcome those two things. But I will tell you I haven't and I don't think I ever will overcome the depression and yes the self-medicating drug use that doesn't seem to help much more I just do it to feel somewhat normal. I used to be a very positive man and I had God in my life without a doubt, just not so much anymore as if he turned his back on me, of course other Christians claim that it's me that turn my back on him but I have did everything anything and everything I felt God wanted me but I did not get the one and only thing I pray for throughout the day, and that would be peace and contentment. I'm just rambling now and if you read this I'll thank you. Please feel free to comment and I have no problem getting constructive criticism. Take care of yourselves my friends...
  2. Well Duck, I'm certainly glad you're still with us and I'm glad you're doing better. There are so many people that feel they have no choice left but to end it all and I guess they're not able to take a moment and realize, that help and positive change could be right around the corner. But once it's done, it's over with and it is so very sad. Just keep up the good work and know that your work any amount of effort to get your head on straight
  3. Hello people, again I've not been here in a little while but I figure while were on the subject of how do I feel right now I would post. I would like to say that I feel just fantastic, did you pick up on the sarcasm, but seriously I feel better than many other days that were very horrible. Today I've just been in my thoughts realizing how much I have let fear control me and what I do and I am sick and tired of it. I have been self-medicating with Adderall for the past 15 years and I'm at a point where I hate them and I'm going to do whatever the doctor says to get off of them. They simply cloud my mind so much more than it already is and is not so good for my blood pressure either. It's hard enough to deal with the really bad days of severe depression than to deal with an addiction at the same time. So right now what I feel is hopeful but angry at everything I've missed because of the Adderall but also because of the depression. I simply need to have more faith and that is the bottom line... Be good to your selves...
  4. I seriously recommend that you talk to your doctor about getting off of the BusPar. It did nothing but make me feel crazier than I already felt.
  5. Do you get any "I don't know how I feel" replies on this thread ? We have all felt the full range of feelings and they can get pretty horrible. But sometimes, what a few times I can honestly say I don't know how I feel because I don't feel anything at all. Some say feelings are overrated but those are the ones who haven't experienced severe depression and the feelings that come from other mental issues. Sometimes when I went a while without feeling anything I don't know I guess I would give anything to feel anger or sadness and come to tears because feeling nothing is the worse....
  6. Hello Lorax I all too well know what you're going through. I hate facing the Knights because I've not had a decent nights sleep in years. I find myself alone and it's ******* me every day. They say that we were not created to be alone that it's not in us but what about those of us who have no choice who not found or came across someone. I know what it's like to be lonely as hell and then be around a lot of people and just want to be back home, alone. I don't know how old you are but I pray you will be the perfect person to spend the rest of your life with. Take care my friend...
  7. I want to take a chance on coming completely clean with my whole situation. Ever since I was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease and losing my vision at age 12 and the depression beginning in my life I have used drugs to self medicate the depression. It has my entire life been the biggest struggle. I went to drug rehab in 1995 and found out how happy I could be staying off the drugs but that lasted only a year and I've been struggling with it ever since including 11 more drug rehab centers, too many groups and therapists to count and of course religion but every time I got back from detox and was faced with the same problems I went right back to drugs to self medicate. Right now if it want for my sister holding my pills I would probably be dead. I don't consider myself strong out but I'm just as addicted to three or four Vicodin, three or four Adderall and some Xanax as if I were taking 20 or more. Those around me and my family know and rationalize that I should take these meds because I'm in pain and am very weak but I'm just getting too old to be fighting this battle and all I want to do is turn over and die. I go to a local ministry and volunteer my time as I do not work and I am disabled and I also attend my church where I met a lot of good people, loving people. So I feel like a big fraud doing these things but absolutely depending on the pills to get me through each day. I feel like I am in a prison of my own making because I really can't see me going back into detox taking as little as I take but still being addicted. That year I had without the pills was a period of time that I was most happy and have not been ever since I relapsed some 15+ years ago. I can't say that I'm severely depressed because I'm on the right medicine but I still either have to find a way to cleanse myself of any mind altering mood altering drugs or get up the nerve to commit suicide and be done with it all. They tell me down at the ministry that after all I've been through I am an inspiration and that tears me apart inside because little do they know I'm popping pills whenever I get the chance but I do want more than anything to be a good man of God and to help my fellow man because that's what my mother instilled in me. That's my desire but I feel like I'm losing the race and that soon I'll be giving up going to that ministry or to church because it's just so hard. That my friends is the whole truth of what I've been going through and what I continue to this day to go through and one thing I know for sure is that I do not have the answers like I once thought I did. If you've read all this thank you in any input or advice would be greatly appreciated...

  8. I'll tell you this was really great and it's really great advice. Sometimes we can fall into trying to analyze why were depressed over and over and push ourselves which we have to sometimes but sometimes we make it too hard on ourselves. Sometimes we do just have to accept how were feeling at the present moment and let everything else go and just relax as best we can. I know that some hard advice for those that just want to be happy and have not had happiness in 20 or 30 years but let's just give ourselves a break and let it all go and like he said we may wake up to a much brighter day the next day
  9. I'm feeling very sad but very blessed coming up on Mother's Day. Sad that she has passed but blessed that I had her for all the years that I did. My mother never once gave up on me, as my father did, and she love me unconditionally and it hurt her so bad that there was nothing she could do to take away my depression or my physical disabilities but she sure as hell tried. Tomorrow is going to be tough, well I'm sure the whole week will be but will see. To everyone on here who have the pleasure of having a wonderful mother or having had a wonderful mother I hope tomorrow will be a good Mother's Day for you all
  10. The way I'm feeling right now is not very good. Anyone ever heard of not being mentally depressed but at the same time depressed because of circumstances in your life. I can drive so it gets very difficult finding a ride when I desperately need to go to the store and on top of that I'm facing having to use a wheelchair and that's just something I don't want to think about but it's reality. I don't like conflict but my sister has a tendency to curse me out because I've asked for one too many rides or said something or something that causes her to drop the F bomb on me which I cannot stand and I just take it because whether I'm wrong and she's right I believe I'm always wrong even if I'm right. I am thoroughly sick and tired of life as I know many of you are. Having never married or had kids really saddened me as I have no one to help take care of me as my disability gets worse. I'm just rambling and is making me feel worse so everyone have a good day and like I used to always say take care of yourself because nobody else will
  11. What I'm hearing you say is that you have a fear of change even if the way things are now or so awful. I know very well what it's like to remain stagnant for many years at a time because we find ourselves in some sort of comfort zone even if it's a very unhealthy comfort zone. Self-preservation is very important to us but it can debilitated us to and keep us from taking chances. But the best thing that we can do is get out of ourselves and take those chances no matter how hard it may be. I think a good therapist would do you good. Tweeting an online socialization can be good sometimes but I know we have a tendency to not be ourselves as we can be anyone we choose when were not talking to someone face-to-face. Your best start would be face-to-face with a therapist, someone who can help you step-by-step get out of that comfort zone and start living life in whatever way that might be. Trust me you can really surprise yourself once you start living
  12. Hello George, reading this really breaks my heart for you. I got on here and you were the first post I saw and it really freaks me out that this is me you're talking about I am in the exact same situation or very close to it as you are my friend. I've been suffering from depression and various disabilities since I was a little boy. Or rings true about what you wrote is that you want to die but in reality you just want to live happy without all the stresses and difficulties that you deal with every day. That's me, I am legally blind in my eyes have gotten worse over the past few years and down facing being in a wheelchair and I just don't want to think about that. I'm not going to preach to you or tell you the secret answer to your prayers but I will tell you the few things that have kept me going. Yes I'm on medication for the depression but I also knew I had to get out of this house and do something as I am disabled and don't work. So I volunteer as much as I can to a local ministry that helps people worse off than me,. I just knew the answer would be if I help others then God would help me, in fact on getting ready right now to go to church. It's frustrating because I pray to God about helping me so that I can be able to help others but I really don't know where I met with God right now. I'm not hanging on to life for anybody but I am hanging onto life just in case things get better right around the corner. So that's it my friend you must find it in yourself a reason most definitely a purpose in your life and just hang on for dear life.
  13. So glad to hear you're coming out of a major depression. All those feelings are normal and it will just take time and you must be patient. I can't count how many times I've said those words that I just want to be happy again. Do just take it one day at a time and don't analyze so much those feelings they will come and they will go. I wish all the best for you my friend
  14. Hello everyone it's been a while since I've been on here. I've had highs and lows but mostly lows over the past months and it's just a vicious cycle that I hate so much. I'm still getting out of the house and doing what I can to help others which is always good therapy but not so much here lately. I never really got a sense of reward or a sense of positive feelings from helping others but at least I had something to do with my time. Don't feel too much like writing this but I thought I would let some of you know I'm still alive. Today I stayed home instead of going to the hand of hope ministry and I always regret when I don't go. I found that when it comes to a decision of either/or like a 50-50 decision that I always make the wrong one 50% of the time actually I mean 95% of the time. My vision has got so worse that I really cannot read the print on here unless I really enlarge it and then it still difficult. The prevailing ball on my mind fairly much at all times is how much I want to die and be done with it, life as it is. I don't want this but it stays in my thoughts. I mean I do want to die I guess I just don't want to miss anything if anything was to happen to better my mental status. The neuromuscular disease that I have has gotten worse and I find myself falling often and I'll be damned to be in a wheelchair and I don't know what to do about that. When I walk I'm scared all the time that I'm going to trip and fall. And if I were to break my leg or have to go into a wheelchair I've really screwed up that I don't have anybody that would be willing to take care of me that is helped take care of me because I burn too many bridges. I just tell my therapist what I think she wants to hear because it's just gotten old going in there and knowing that I feel like I'm still just a screwed up in the head as I was when I first started going. I become very close with my pastor and I don't want to let him down so that keeps me from being completely honest with him about how I really feel. Besides all he would want to do is pray for me and so far betting help one bit. Perhaps I need to spend more time here because I feel like I can talk about these things and nobodies going to judge me. It's really an oxymoron, as much as I want to die, I still want to live and that's all hope everyone is well.

    1. Rattler6


      Hi @quentin360,

      Welcome back.

    2. quentin360


      Thanks a lot my friend and I hope you're doing well

    3. Rattler6


      Last year and a half have been pretty good. 

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