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quentin360 last won the day on November 11 2017

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About quentin360

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  • Birthday 05/24/1968

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    Photography and the outdoors.

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  1. It's hard to do, when you're in this severe depressive state of mind but yes I have things that I am grateful for and they are, my church family that I have grown close to, I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head and food on my table and I am grateful for my dog and my cat but I know I have more than that to be grateful for and I should get back to gratitude journaling.
  2. Hello to all, it's been a a while since I've been here. Right now I just feel exhausted as I've been up most of the night like many other nights. In the past I have reached a points of hopelessness and can tell you the depression takes on a whole new meaning when you become hopeless that it will ever change. About three years ago I finally took a leap of faith and started volunteering at a local ministry and became involved very much in my church. I also started therapy, so I really believe I was on the right path. I don't know about you guys but there have been so many eureka moments in my life where I would think I had the answer and things were going to get better but was shot down every time. Volunteering at the hand of hope and my church was a really good choice as I was able to get out of myself and help others. My pastor ran the place and it became too much for him and he resigned. As I cannot drive he would pick me up every morning and take me back home and that ended and finding rides is not so easy plus this virus crap of course I still go to church and was really excited the first year but again I started resenting God and would just sit there in my depression and negative thoughts. For the past couple of weeks now and especially today I feel absolutely hopeless and have no idea how to make things better, how to deal with this depression and loneliness and I still use my prescription medications to self medicate but that only makes it worse now. I've also fallen into thinking that at age 52 that it's possibly too late for me anyway and that I'm going to die with too many regrets to count. I'm somewhat of a leader in our church and I'm asked to pray for the congregation a lot but at home there ain't much praying and when I do pray is that God would take me away from it all and not make me wake up the next morning. Throughout the day I'm constantly thinking about how to commit suicide and if there was a painless way to do it, I would but I'm also a coward. I mean each month I get from my doctor 120 Vicodin and 90 Xanax and also 90 Adderall so if I could get over my fear I think all three at one time would do the trick. On the depression forum I've always told people that were suicidal that something good could be right around the corner and I've held on for that reason to but I just don't see it anymore. Thanks for letting me vent and I wish only good things for everyone here...
  3. This is a really good thread that y'all started. I do have many things to be grateful for but here are three. I am first grateful that even though I went blind at age 12, I regained my vision at 17 years old and was able to get a degree in photography. This should have been first, but I am grateful, very grateful that through all my years of screwing up and doing some things I now regret, God never did give up on me. I am grateful for a roof over my head, food to eat, close to where and my cat and dog and of course my family. Thanks for this thread
  4. George, I feel like I know where you're coming from but let me tell you. When I was 11 I was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease and at age 12 went blind and have been suffering from severe depression ever since with many suicide attempts. I'm far from having any talents and I constantly feel like there is no good in me. But a few years ago I stopped focusing on myself and started focusing on others and I found that we all as human beings do have a purpose, we can do what we can to help others and just get out of ourselves. You want a rewarding life then seek to help others and forget about what's so wrong in your own life because believe me there are many others a lot less fortunate than you and me. I do know how you feel, do take a chance and step out into the world where so many others need you. Be good my friend
  5. Well I'm feeling very blessed right now although the days still can be very difficult. We had our fall Festival at my church on Saturday and I really had a great time being in charge of the bouncy house for the kids. I went through a month or so of horrible depression and just wanted to die but on the other hand I feel like I have more to do and I have a purpose and that's making others happy as best I can. Just because I may not be happy and have not been happy in many many years doesn't mean I can't make someone's day.
  6. Hello my friend. I totally applaud you for sticking by your mother and taking care of her. Back in 1996 I had a great career going for me but I had to drop everything and move back to my home state to take care of my father and my mother. My mother actually took care of my father and he was a mean drunk. So after he passed my mother became greatly ill and I moved in with her and took care of her until she passed in 2011. I guess you can say I've been working on reconstructing my life ever since. I'm sorry for the troubles you're having with your wife leaving and just the way things are right now for you but have faith my friend, your obviously a good person and things will come back to you during your reconstruction of your life. I do believe in the law of reciprocity. Welcome to our forum and if you need to talk personally or privately you're welcome to message me. Above all, be good to yourself
  7. I don't really remember what I dreamed last night other than there was a baby in my dream. But I do dream often. Once or twice I dreamed there are demons after me but I mostly dream of good things like my mother who passed away and I dream I'm flying a lot. I once dreamed of moving away from this town and moving across the country as if to escape my problems but then it happened and I did move away and it was just like what I had dreamed. The other night I dreamed I was in a Christmas winter wonderland riding a bicycle through the snow and going to a cabin filled with decorations. Maybe because I have not had a good Christmas in 20 years or so and I would really like to. Anyway I'll post when I have something solid that I have dreamed about.
  8. I have to agree that there are toxic people that it's best to stay away from because it is contagious. But I also have to say that there are some really good people in this world that only want to help their fellow man. The thing is I believe we must be kind to everyone we come across because we really have no idea what they might be going through in their own life. We are commanded to love one another and that includes the toxic people, although we don't have to let them bring us down just stay away. Most people just want what most of us want and that's to be loved and be happy. Let's don't stereotype the whole world as being bad. I can sit here in my depression for days and weeks and not have anyone, other than my sister, check on the but I do not judge them. Sometimes I have to be the one to pick up the phone and call someone. [image: Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.]
  9. Hey if you're talking about the TMS therapy, I've just been doing my own research though the doctor said TMS therapy, unlike ECT therapy is safe and very effective. I read that there is over 80% success rate for people with depression but you have to do it three or more times a week for a certain period of time. They put a magnet to your skull in the areas that control mood and depression and they say that it activates those areas of the brain and I do feel like my brain needs waking up or something.
  10. Mikala, since I was 12 I've been on just about every antidepressant that you can think of and I absolutely agree sometimes certain ones to make the depression worse. Last month they put me on Lamictal, a mood stabilizer and it did not agree with me, it made me so much more depressed and made me feel like I was in another world if you know what I mean. But I got off of it and now I am on Depakote, just to the second one. So I am on Trintilex, Rexulti and Depakote. Sometimes I just want to go cold turkey on all of them but I fear I will become a basket case. Now what I think is the biggest problem is that I've been taking Adderall for over 10 years now and I'm almost positive that it doesn't mix well with the antidepressants so I'm working on getting off of the Adderall which is almost impossible as I am addicted. Anyway thanks for your prayers I certainly need them and I will pray for you as well my friend
  11. I know very well how you feel my friend. For so long when someone asked me how I'm doing, if they are close friends, I now hesitantly tell them about my severe depression but I'm tired of talking about it because I feel like they are tired of hearing it. I tried to talk to my sister about how depressed I've been but she cuts me off and ends up arguing with me that I'm not trying hard enough. I've been suffering with this severe depression since I was 12 and now I am 51 and I have been through about 11 treatment centers over the years and I too am at a point where I have lost hope and have absolutely no idea what to do. I was put on yet another new medication today so maybe that will help. As far as you asking for help perhaps you're not asking the right people. If you are not in therapy or on meds consider that and perhaps go for an inpatient stay at a treatment center where they are there to help. You're in my prayers my friend and I hope both of us can have some joy soon
  12. quentin360

    life goes on

    nojoy, I know very well what you're talking about. Along with my severe physical disabilities I have to deal with this damn severe depression, but by God life goes on whether I wanted to or not. I live alone and the loneliness kills me but I do volunteer at a local ministry and for the most part it helps me get out of myself but a lot of times wherever I am, there I am with my misery. I tried desperately to be an optimist but that's easier said than done. I do contemplate ending it all every single day but I don't and life goes on. I do hang on to the thought that things could get better right around the corner but that starting to seem ridiculous to me but I hang on. You to hang on my friend and possibly these may get better with you. As hard as it is try to be good to yourself as best you can
  13. How do you start a conversation with a fish? Drop him a line...lol
  14. Hey I know exactly what you mean. When things are going good and you tell people about it somehow it seems to sabotage her progress and I don't know why. I've gotten to where I don't tell my friends or family when I'm doing really good because I'm afraid it will turn around on me. But keep up the progress and if you have to just keep it to yourself.
  15. Right now I feel like I would do anything to get over this depression because it's been going on for far too long. The doctor started me on Depakote and I just took my first one. I would appreciate any input from anyone who has taken Depakote and how it has worked for you. The doctor also asked me to check into TMS and ECT therapy. I don't think I want to do ECT but the TMS therapy seems promising. If anyone has been through the TMS therapy please let me know how it went with y'all.
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