quentin360

I want to take a chance on coming completely clean with my whole situation. Ever since I was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease and losing my vision at age 12 and the depression beginning in my life I have used drugs to self medicate the depression. It has my entire life been the biggest struggle. I went to drug rehab in 1995 and found out how happy I could be staying off the drugs but that lasted only a year and I've been struggling with it ever since including 11 more drug rehab centers, too many groups and therapists to count and of course religion but every time I got back from detox and was faced with the same problems I went right back to drugs to self medicate. Right now if it want for my sister holding my pills I would probably be dead. I don't consider myself strong out but I'm just as addicted to three or four Vicodin, three or four Adderall and some Xanax as if I were taking 20 or more. Those around me and my family know and rationalize that I should take these meds because I'm in pain and am very weak but I'm just getting too old to be fighting this battle and all I want to do is turn over and die. I go to a local ministry and volunteer my time as I do not work and I am disabled and I also attend my church where I met a lot of good people, loving people. So I feel like a big fraud doing these things but absolutely depending on the pills to get me through each day. I feel like I am in a prison of my own making because I really can't see me going back into detox taking as little as I take but still being addicted. That year I had without the pills was a period of time that I was most happy and have not been ever since I relapsed some 15+ years ago. I can't say that I'm severely depressed because I'm on the right medicine but I still either have to find a way to cleanse myself of any mind altering mood altering drugs or get up the nerve to commit suicide and be done with it all. They tell me down at the ministry that after all I've been through I am an inspiration and that tears me apart inside because little do they know I'm popping pills whenever I get the chance but I do want more than anything to be a good man of God and to help my fellow man because that's what my mother instilled in me. That's my desire but I feel like I'm losing the race and that soon I'll be giving up going to that ministry or to church because it's just so hard. That my friends is the whole truth of what I've been going through and what I continue to this day to go through and one thing I know for sure is that I do not have the answers like I once thought I did. If you've read all this thank you in any input or advice would be greatly appreciated...

Hello everyone it's been a while since I've been on here. I've had highs and lows but mostly lows over the past months and it's just a vicious cycle that I hate so much. I'm still getting out of the house and doing what I can to help others which is always good therapy but not so much here lately. I never really got a sense of reward or a sense of positive feelings from helping others but at least I had something to do with my time. Don't feel too much like writing this but I thought I would let some of you know I'm still alive. Today I stayed home instead of going to the hand of hope ministry and I always regret when I don't go. I found that when it comes to a decision of either/or like a 50-50 decision that I always make the wrong one 50% of the time actually I mean 95% of the time. My vision has got so worse that I really cannot read the print on here unless I really enlarge it and then it still difficult. The prevailing ball on my mind fairly much at all times is how much I want to die and be done with it, life as it is. I don't want this but it stays in my thoughts. I mean I do want to die I guess I just don't want to miss anything if anything was to happen to better my mental status. The neuromuscular disease that I have has gotten worse and I find myself falling often and I'll be damned to be in a wheelchair and I don't know what to do about that. When I walk I'm scared all the time that I'm going to trip and fall. And if I were to break my leg or have to go into a wheelchair I've really screwed up that I don't have anybody that would be willing to take care of me that is helped take care of me because I burn too many bridges. I just tell my therapist what I think she wants to hear because it's just gotten old going in there and knowing that I feel like I'm still just a screwed up in the head as I was when I first started going. I become very close with my pastor and I don't want to let him down so that keeps me from being completely honest with him about how I really feel. Besides all he would want to do is pray for me and so far betting help one bit. Perhaps I need to spend more time here because I feel like I can talk about these things and nobodies going to judge me. It's really an oxymoron, as much as I want to die, I still want to live and that's all hope everyone is well.