quentin360

I so appreciate everyone's response. I don't hate God or anything like that. My pastor is the most humblest and best person I have ever met. He just does not understand when it comes to depression as he has never experienced such. I am a believer and I will continue to do the right thing whenever I can and continue to pray for that peace that has evaded me so long. Here's something I wrote many years ago and it should give you some insight into my journey of getting closer to God as I understand him. A Perfectionist's Prayer O Lord, I sought You favor, In everything I did; I only sought to do Your will, But I fell far short instead; I read throughout the bible, To learn what I should do; I voiced Your word to others, Yet I felt so unapproved; I thought I was doing good, But it just wasn't enough; I know that I touched others, But I did not know Your love; I thought so many times, I've let it go on too long; I've disobeyed so many times, From my life, You're finally gone; I thought I had committed, The most unpardonable sin; What it was, I did not know, I felt condemned, again and again; I began to resent those things, I knew to do, but did not do; I began to resent Christianity, But worse of all, I resented You; I now see the guilt I've felt, Was mostly from my own mind; Taking on too much, too soon, I felt I had little time; I started out to seek Your favor, And do nothing that I thought wrong; But what I didn't realize is, I had Your favor all along; Quentin Martin June 4, 2000

Hello everyone,. I just really need to vent some. I've written posts in the past about this severe depression I have suffered with since my childhood but especially how hard it was living alone and being able to conveniently isolate myself. After years and years of that I finally took a step a little over a year ago and began getting out and volunteering at a local ministry helping people in my community and becoming fully involved in my church. I'm very glad I took that step because I got to know some really loving caring people and was able to get out of myself and help others. The one thing I wanted more than anything, though has continued to slip my grasp, and that is joy and just be okay with myself and today I can say I feel just as loss as I did a year ago. Some people that don't understand us might think that dealing with mental illness and depressive episodes since I was 11 or 12 years old that by now I would be used to it. Speaking for myself there is no getting used to it, this depression is never ever welcome and is to me as devastating as in the beginning some 39 years ago. My pastor says that that joy comes from the Lord so I've been praying for a time, two or three times a day but sometimes it just feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. Don't get me wrong, unless the event of my mental state takes completely over, I will still push myself and continue volunteering and going to church even though I do opt out more here lately because of the depression but my pastor stays on my ass and that's good for me. If by some major chance someone here can direct me to the path of being okay with myself then by all means share. Thanks for listening to my rent and I wish the best for all you

I love this new thread, here are my favorite song lyrics that I relate to some much. "Superman (It's Not Easy)" I can't stand to fly I'm not that naïve I'm just out to find The better part of me I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane I'm more than some pretty face beside a train It's not easy to be me I wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie 'Bout a home I'll never see It may sound absurd but don't be naïve Even heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed but won’t you concede Even heroes have the right to dream And it's not easy to be me Up, up and away, away from me Well, it's alright You can all sleep sound tonight I'm not crazy or anything I can't stand to fly I'm not that naïve Men weren't meant to ride With clouds between their knees I'm only a man in a silly red sheet Digging for kryptonite on this one way street Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me Inside of me, inside of me [2x] I’m only a man in a funny red sheet I’m only a man looking for a dream I’m only a man in a funny red sheet And it's not easy. It's not easy to be me.

" I live in a perpetual state of guilt" first off my friend you need to get this dealt with by understanding that it is not your fault. Guilt just adds to the mental anguish of depression. Like you I was diagnosed with severe depression along with OCD and PTSD at a very young age of 12. You know, I'm sure, that depression does c cause severe exhaustion both mentally and physically. I read some on the medication you're on and it does look like the fog and visual disturbances are side effects. I've been on just about every antidepressant there is but I don't think this one. My only advice is maybe you need an add on to this medication such as Rexulti or the like. Just talk to your doctor about this. I was on Trintellix and after a while I was getting depressed and tired and was put on the Rexulti and it seemed to do the trick for me. I'm sure you love your children very much and I know there are things you can do with them that aren't really mentally exhausting or anything but just know your limitations and like I said be completely honest with your doctor and if he is a good one, then I'm sure something can be figured out. Remember guilt is something we all deal with but need to work on because it just makes things worse. Be good to yourself my friend...

Hello everyone, it's been a month or two since I have been on here. How I am feeling right now is severe loneliness on top of the already severe depression. As many of you know I do live alone but I hate the fact that no matter how much time goes by I just do not use to being alone all the time, and over this past month when evening time comes for some reason I feel so much more lonely and I have this emptiness in my gut that I wish would go away. I keep telling myself maybe it's just the cold weather so maybe it is I don't know. I mean I do go to this ministry as many days as I can and spend the day helping people with food, a place to stay and I really enjoy it, it does get me out of this house and out of myself but then I come back home after the day's end and the loneliness immediately starts back. I've even started going to a church that I truly love so much and the people love me and care about me and I have no plans on stopping going there but then as I said at days end I come home to nothing but a cat that I don't too much care for in the first place. The month of December, which should have been, I guess a joyous time was absolutely miserable for me and I am so glad that Christmas is over with. I suspect a bit that a new medication I've been put on is causing some symptoms that I don't like such as I think it makes the emptiness in my got worse. It is called Rexulti and if anyone has any thing they would like to say about this drug and how it affects them please let me know. Thank you all so very much..... Your friend Quentin

Hello Alex we don't know each other but I can so relate to what you are going through as I have suffered from debilitating depression, PTSD, OCD and just straight out self-hatred since I was around 12 years old at which time I started using drugs to self medicate. I have suffered from this depression and other stuff as well as the drug abuse all my life. As it turns out the drugs may have helped to begin with but stop working not too long after that but then I found myself an addict. You have probably been told that the Xanax is only exacerbating your depression, and even if it is sometimes prescribed her depression I also think that it most likely makes the depression worse. I don't blame you for how you feel but even if so many people have hurt you emotionally the world in and of itself is not a bad or evil place, it turns out that there are people who can and will love you even if you don't love yourself at the moment. I feel really bad for you and I would come to you if I could and do whatever I could because I just hate what you are going through. I like your analogy about being in a bubble because that's exactly how it feels, like there is this veil or something over our minds snuffing out any good feelings that might be underneath them but all we feel is anger, sadness and just straight out frustration. What I will tell you is that at 15 years old I too felt like nothing was going to change and over the years tried on many occasions to end it all myself. Luckily I failed because things didn't get better even though they got worse and then they got better and then worse and then better, the trick is to not give up on yourself because you are so young and I believe someone can and will love you because you are special and worth while even if you don't think so. Message me if you like, I know I'm not on here as often as I used to be but I will check and get back to you if you do. Please just don't give up on yourself because every human being has the right to do what they can to better themselves and in turn help better the world as a whole. Try to be good to yourself my friend... Quentin *link removed. Please contact member via pm if interested.*

Hello anonymousblob, welcome to our forum, I hope you can get the answers that you are seeking. I myself have suffered from severe depression since I was a little boy so I know full well what you are going through in your depression especially the part about how we use sleep as an escape from what we consider to be hell. Days when I am so depressed I just cannot wait until night comes and I may have a chance of getting some sleep to escape from the insanity. I have had several friends that were bipolar and have read on the subject and I think that maybe you are in fact bipolar but if you are not seeing a psychiatrist or some sort of therapist then you need to be diagnosed one way or the other. I do know it does run in families so chances are you have inherited from your mother. Just remember it is not the end of the world, we have our good days and we have our bad days. Just please get a diagnosis so that maybe you can be put on meds that would help you a lot. My best wishes to you... Quentin https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/mental-health-bipolar-disorder#1-2

Hello to all and again I apologize for being distant these past few months. I was just reading a post from someone who let the love of his life, his soulmate, get away and I feel so sad for him. I let the same thing happened with my high school sweetheart and she ended up in an abusive relationship. So I'm feeling remorse and regret for how I went about losing her over my battle with drugs at the time. Regrets are so hard to deal with. I am going to call her since she is no longer with this man – he talked about before in 2009 we may get back together after all. That is of course if I don't screw this up to. But other than remorse and regret, today I feel very blessed. Things aren't as hard as they have been being as I have gotten out of the house and got involved in volunteer work and somewhat got out of myself. My dog died a month ago but now I have a cat and she is now keeping me from typing, jumping all over me that is. So to anyone and everyone here, if there is anything at all that you are capable of doing to prevent regrets in your life, please do whatever it takes because regrets, to me are the worst part of the depression that we already have to deal with.... Be good to yourselves my friends... Quentin

eds00, hey man your story ring so very close to my own. I have been with many women over my life but the one that I let get away back in high school because I prefer using drugs over putting her first, I regret to this day and wish that we could still get back together after all these years. She was indeed my soulmate and I screwed it up so bad. I feel that it is my fault that she ended up marrying a very abusive man and moved to Las Vegas where he beat her every day. She is now away from him and I do still have her phone number as we did talk in 2009. I have every intention of calling her again as soon as I have the balls to do so. So what if this girl of yours has a boyfriend, don't let her get away if at all possible. Try your best to rekindle and get back with her because I don't want you to feel the regret to the extent that I do. You are not a screwup so quit telling yourself that it only horns you even more. Please call this girl and just see what happens. Actually do whatever in the hell it takes to get her back in your life. I will pray for you tonight because I relate so much to what you are saying. Sometimes the loneliness, even around a bunch of people, is very exhausting. Most important my friend... Be good to yourself... Quentin

It's not the events or experiences in your life that define you as a person, rather it's what you decide to do with those events and experiences that determines the kind of person you truly are.

If you always do what you've always done, you're gonna always get what you've always got.

Hello Nic1991,I know exactly where you're coming from because I have been in therapy most all of my adult life. But up until a few months ago I really wasn't taking care of myself physically or spiritually by not eating right or sleeping right or any really kind of self-care. Do not stop therapy, just know that you need to take better care of yourself. You should know, if your therapist is good, that you are worth the effort of taking care of yourself. Remember just the little things make the biggest difference in the long run. Like I tell everyone I talk to hear please just take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place most of the time

Today I'm feeling as well as can be expected and I don't expect all that much here lately. Back in April I went to Florida for a month for which I did not enjoy whatsoever. On the last day there my sister called me from my home and said that my dog of 13 years had died. It is very hard living alone but at least I had a companion that was there for me in the good times and the bad. Around the beginning of May I allowed another puppy to take hold of my heart and her name was Keagan. I went through a lot with her, house training and such, she had come from a very abusive home so it was hard but we finally got where we needed to be with each other. At only nine months old we connected so great as she knew when I was down and would comfort me and jump in my lap and love on me and I felt completely in love with this new companion of mine. She brought me out of a depression episode and helped me to begin doing something for myself. I started getting out of the house and volunteering at a local ministry and going to a church, both of which I truly enjoyed. It was nice to get out of myself and reach out and help others to the best of my ability. I come to realize that "it"wasn't all about me, there were others that had more problems and if I could help them then that meant the world to me. Everything seemed to be coming together and I had begun praying more that God would do his will in my life and not mine, after all my will just got me nothing but problems. But then, like I said the other shoe dropped. My sister picked me up and we went home to get my food stamp card and I had not seen Keagan all day and she was so excited to see me that she followed us down the dirt road, unbeknownst to either my sister or myself. While we were at the grocery store a good friend told me that a Labrador had been hit and killed near my house and I knew immediately that it was her. We rushed home and could not find her anywhere. My sister went driving down the road and also my neighbor helped to look for her. When my neighbor showed up on my front porch with Keagan's collar in her hand I cried like I never have before. And I continued to cry for days and the sorrow in my gut was overwhelming. All I could do was yell towards heaven and curse God like never before. I told him that I hated him and that why would I even pray anymore for his will to be done in my life if this was his will I wanted nothing to do with it. When things had finally started coming together for me, I was devastated that this would happen at this particular time in my life. My last dog I had for 13 years and this one for only a few months, but I cried more over this one than any other. I think because I felt like I had let her down, I was responsible for her and her coming from an abusive household I might have loved her too much. But I guess that God did send a comforter In the form of a cat, who has totally taken up here and I never thought I would love a cat like I do this one. I'm better today and plan on getting another puppy but only after I install my invisible fence. The one positive thing that came out of this was that I learned people are not evil, at least not all of the world and there are those that are very special. My neighbor and her husband have lived next door for only about three years and I have never really even visited or sat down with them but we have got along and they are good neighbors. They did something that frankly amazed me, when Amanda handed me Keagan's collar, she said that I should not see her in the condition that she was in and that her husband Matt would take care of burying her and that was way beyond what I could've expected out of anyone and that did really touch my heart. I want to say I'm sorry for not being around on the forum lately because after all it is a place where I can open up and express my feelings without being judged and received the best support and love from some very good people here. That's all for now and I will try to get on here and talk to folks more often... Be good to yourselves my friends.. Quentin.