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RainRainGoAway

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Everything posted by RainRainGoAway

  1. Also I lied to my bf and said I was sick with the flu at my parents' house. We've been together for 6 months and he doesn't know I have depression because interestingly all the time we've spent together, he thinks I am alright (I randomly asked questions like "do you think I am too sad or too negative" and he said "no." Either being with him makes me happier and I don't display my depression, or I am really good at wearing a mask. I hate this about myself. The fact that I'm depressed. I am so ashamed to have a mental illness and even worse, to have a mental illness and manage it so poorly that I end up in the psych ward. One of the therapists said it is OK to not tell him about my depression. My other therapist spent 30 minutes convincing me that I MUST tell him that I have depression and I went to the psych ward. I was like what?? She said if I don't, I am lying to him and I am being a bad girlfriend who shouldn't be in a relationship. Maybe sometime I'd be ok telling him I have depression, but NEVER that I went to the mental hospital. What do you guys think? Is it such bad thing not to tell him? I am way too ashamed to tell him.
  2. Now that I am out, I feel so anxious. The memories of me getting locked up keep replaying over and over in my head. Sometimes I'd forget where I am and get so lost in my memories, they're like a video playing in my head. And often when these videos are playing in my head, I get anxiety attacks like my heart races, my hands get cold and clammy. And also these videos start playing in my mind at random times, like I'd be at work and it'll suddenly start and I'd need to run to the bathroom to calm down and squeeze my head with the palms of my hands. I can't get these repetitive thoughts and memories out of my head. And I literally can't be left alone or be in silence. Otherwise I'd lose myself in these highly stressful memories. Before I went to the mental hospital, I rarely had anxiety, it was mostly depression for me. Also I still can barely eat anything and I feel nauseous even though I have no physical ailments. How do I deal with this?
  3. Well they did lock me up for 4 days. It was the most stressful time in my life. Basically being locked in a place where you can't get out and you're being watched every moment and you have no freedom, not even to use your phone. The food was nasty and the bed was extremely uncomfortable, so I barely ate or slept. The first day was the worst, they didn't have space in the ward for people who could still function, so they put me in the ward with ppl who couldn't function and were really psychotic. I was so scared and crying all the time or having anxiety attacks. But I had to pretend to be OK so they wouldn't lock me up for longer. The next 3 days they moved me to a better unit with other depressed but functional people who I could talk to . The time was bearable but I got extremely homesick and stifled with the lack of freedom. Not to mention I felt so ashamed that I was actually locked up in the mental hospital. I did talk to therapists and psychiatrists and I told them about my depression but I didn't tell them the entire truth, at least not the truth that I am often suicidal and I find joy in cutting myself (I said I cut myself that time because I lost my cool and I had never done it before). I did it because I didn't want to be forever locked up. Because being locked up was causing me too much mental stress and anxiety and I felt the more time I spent there, the more mentally unstable I'd be. The therapists told me to try better coping skills and put me on heavier meds. Now that I am out, I don't feel like they really helped me, it was just the same as in the past, just popping meds left and right.
  4. Thanks so much for the replies. I'm still at the hospital waiting for the evaluation. I just much prefer to do treatment outside of the hospital. I've been seeing therapists for many years for my depression and taken many medications. My depression hasn't been responding to treatment so I don't know what kind of magic can possibly be worked up in a hospital. I'm calm now I just feel dumb for cutting myself. I think I just want my freedom. My my mom is here with me right now. When they ask me questions for my eval, do I tell them about my history of depression? Or should I just say it was a one off thing? If they know I have a history of depression, will that cause them to keep me longer? i mean should I tell them the truth about my severe depression or should I downplay it? I don't mean to lie but I don't like the hospital and I'd rather continue my treatment on my own
  5. I was feeling really depressed and frustrated today so I cut myself and I ended up cutting myself really badly so I'd need stitches. I went to the ER to get stitches and I thought I could lie and say it was an accident but obviously they figured out it was self inflicted. They fixed my cut but now they want me to be evaluated by a psychiatrist to determine if I need to be locked up in the mental hospital? I don't want to get locked up because I don't think that's gonna help me. I don't know what to do or say right now to get me out of here. Anyone gone thru something similar???
  6. I wish I had an answer for you. I'm either depressed and thinking of death, or I'm just indifferent, like I'm just existing and I don't feel anything, just numb, like I'm just existing in this horribly boring pointless gray world. Like right now I am in one of those numb states and I want to feel again. I'm looking up new doctors, but it just feels like they're going to have me take one of those same dozen antidepressants and I'm just going to be popping pills, which may or may not help. Or even worse, cause side effects. And as for talking to psychologists, I think I've heard every single thing there is to say to me (I've talked to various therapists over 10 years). I don't mean to be so pessimistic. I think I just sound pessimistic because I am so depressed myself. I think different treatment options work differently for everyone and some people are more likely to get better. :)
  7. Thanks for the replies and sorry for my late reply. I haven't really done anything about my relationship status. My bf isn't exactly emotionally abusive, he's in fact usually really affectionate and full of sweet words, but the issue is that despite his saying that he loves me all the time, his actions don't exactly match his words. According to advice from dating forums, I am being a "doormat" and a "mother" to him and that's not good. And I am feeling more depressed because of it. Main issues: -Weird money attitude...I don't need to be spoiled, and I always give back...but when he spends on me, he makes comments about money and tries to make me feel bad like I owe him. Even though I've been paying for his groceries and gym, and I asked him to pay his share and he said I should stop counting dollars. And sometimes he'd forgot his wallet to make me pay for stuff. I feel he puts money above all else and doesn't mind hurting my feelings over it. -Laziness...when he's not at work, he either plays video games or goes to bed and naps. He spends most of the time at my apartment and he's super messy, and I need to tell him to pick up after himself. -Not putting in effort into my relationship: He doesn't seem to want to do anything special for me. -No career ambition. Goes to work late, in the mornings sometimes I have to be the one dragging him out of bed, plays games or watches youtube at work. He thinks that putting in effort at work is giving into a "rat's race." And in the evenings after work, he just goes to bed and takes naps, and I hate being the one dragging him out of bed again. But then...he's the main person I talk to all the time, my other friends are basically nonexistent, and I'm scared that breaking up will send me spiraling even deeper into depression. But I don't see myself having a future with him... Any advice appreciated.
  8. While I was single I was lonely since I barely have any friends. Now that I am in a relationship with issues, I am stressed up and feeling depressed. At least I still have someone to talk to and be with instead of being lonely. But I do wonder if I should rather be lonely than to be stressed out about being in a relationship.
  9. Thanks everyone for sharing. I am at least a little bit comforted in knowing that there are others who feel this way, though I am sorry all of you have to go through this same thing. The past few days my mind has cleared up a bit. But I still find my mind drifting off and sometimes I end up reading or re reading the same thing, whether on the internet or elsewhere. Like I'd walk into a store and see a sign and it'll take more than one look for the info to actually register in my brain. And my relationship is taking a toll on my already messed up mental health, so I just keep thinking of all its issues instead of the things I am supposed to be focused on doing.
  10. 10 years of depression. The first several years were manageable...The most recent few years, I've been getting worse and worse. Especially the past several months, when I feel like my brain is moving through a haze. My job right now requires quite a bit of thinking and knowledge, I feel like I'm doing worse and worse. I can't seem to think, can't analyze things and connect the dots, if presented with a big problem my brain starts freezing up because "I can't do it" and then the thoughts of ending it all start pestering me. This is really sad, back in college I could do so much, my professors loved me for my academic research and they wanted me to stay for grad school. And when I did my internship, I just picked up new things off the bat and got a job offer before my internship even ended. I was a straight A student. After I got my bachelor's, I found a really good job where I work right now. And for my job I am presented with a new project which is probably easier than the ones I did in college, but now I just can't process it all. It's just so sad. This is already destroying my already nonexistent self esteem. I just feel like I can't do anything. And adding to my stress and anxiety, as I feel I can't even complete an average project that I've been assigned to. Somehow it feels like my brain has shut down and it moves so slowly. At work I struggle to focus. After work I can literally just stare at the ceiling for hours unless there's someone around me to get me to do normal things, such as remembering the TV shows I watch or the news I read, it just seems to fade away. Sometimes I can zone out for a long time and not realize it. My meds are of no use, my psych just tells me I need to keep taking these meds and "exercising and making friends" and someday I will be "cured" (what a joke). I don't know what to do...
  11. Background: I am 25, been depressed for the past 10 years, I managed to get myself thru college and get a good career going. But I have severe depression and loneliness issues, I've only had like 2 close (female) friends in my life and I've drifted apart from them. Earlier this year, I was in the midst of my most severe depression and seriously considered ending it, but then this guy appeared in my life, made me laugh, cared about me, we would go on talking forever it seemed like the first time in my life I ever had such a connection with anyone. He became my (first) boyfriend and for the first time I felt loved and it was awesome to love someone in return. The first few months of our relationship was perfect, I was so happy, I had never felt so happy in my life, ever~, because we would go places and have fun together! I was literally 100% happy for the first few months. But now, the more we stay together and we spent some time almost "living together,", we discovered major compatibility issues, and conflicts arose. It's a long story, fact is, I am starting to feel stressed and unhappy about my relationship, at first I was afraid it was my depression talking. So I sought the advice of others. I posted in great detail on a dating forum and everyone said that our relationship is doomed and he treated me badly and why I have no self-respect and self-esteem for putting up with his "cr#p." Basically they said I should dump him and find someone better. And my parents say the same thing. It's come to a point where as much as I want to make this relationship to work, I don't think we have a future together. And I just don't have the emotional resources to end it. For the past several months he has been my only confidante and companion and I feel like I emotionally need him to be there for me, to stop myself from spiraling helplessly back into severe depression. But if our future is doomed and I am unhappy in this relationship, then a breakup is inevitable and I just can't imagine doing that. It'll devastate me like nothing before in the world. I don't think I can pull through a breakup. So my choices are this: stay in a doomed relationship, pretend everything is OK, keep him there and continue taking cr#p, or breakup and hurt me and hurt him. I don't know what to do. My mind is such a mess right now. And there are always thoughts of me being alone forever and never finding anyone. If that is the case I'd rather just give up.
  12. Icon for Hire. Just discovered them, they're a band that focuses on depression. Their songs express my pain and frustration so well.... Am I allowed to post links? It's called "Supposed to be." (Am I allowed to post links here?) *link removed* Part of the lyrics: Recovery time, a condition like mineWhat are we talking here?Getting so close, I can taste the hopeBut I still feel the fearI don’t wanna be stuck, I don’t wanna be crazyThis is the way that my sadness made meBetter come quick, yeah better come save me Tell me who I’m supposed to be now Make me better I can’t stay halfway dead forever I fear now There’s not much left of me When you take the sick away Who am I supposed to be? Tell me who I’m supposed to be Tell me who I’m supposed to be
  13. My mom is too controlling and even though I am in my mid 20s she still thinks I'm a kid or something. I live on my own and have my job, moved out a few years ago, but I don't live far enough to put a safe enough distance between us. For example, she wants me to go home every weekend. Maybe she means well, I've been struggling with depression for years and lonely with no friends. I was either 1) lonely and depressed at my place or 2) frustrated/angered/depressed at my parents place. But my parents' home is never a good haven for me, the atmosphere is so toxic it's horrible. She endlessly bothers me about what I'm wearing or what I should be eating. She just nags and obsessively controls everything, up to the brand of shoes I'm wearing, or the fact that my hair is "not fashionable enough" or she complains generally about her life like "there's so much housework and I'm getting old, I will work myself to death and see what happens to you guys". My dad is worse, he is severe depression and anger issues, so either he's withdrawn and not talking to anyone or he's screaming at my mom or getting so angry that he slams and door and walks outside. This about sums up my Thanksgiving break with my parents. And most of every other weekend I've spent with them. It's pathetic how dysfunctional my family is. Then a few months ago I started dating and not going home on weekends, and my mom was probably unhappy that I was no longer going home and she said things like "you're not even married and you're already acting like this." "Acting like this" as in not going home all the time and be a mommy's kid. I haven't been home in several weeks as I've been spending time with my bf and mind feels more stable now. But this thanksgiving break I went home, and I can feel my mental state getting worn down. It's the atmosphere that's so filled with frustration, dissatisfaction, pain, anger. I now absolutely hate my parents' place but my mom says I am the only one she can talk to, since she barely communicates with my dad due to his anger/depression issues. It almost feel guilty if I ignore , but she gets on my nerves so badly. I don't know how to deal with my parents. They're driving me insane.
  14. I've been depressed since 2005-6. Maybe in a year I would have a few weeks when I'd feel ok. The past few years the weeks when I'd be happy became more sparse. Earlier this year I was happy for ~3 months which was the longest I've been happy. Now I am back down in the dumps.
  15. My dad is depressed and it makes my mom's life really bad, sometimes I wonder how she gets through it. He's been depressed for many years I think and never admits it. He hardly ever smiles and rarely talks to my mom. He has social issues too. Most of the time he's just sulking and after work he just watches tv and sometimes he explodes in anger at the slightest thing. Sometimes my mom would be having a normal conversation with him and he'd just explode for no reason and not talk to her for days. And I hate how he never admits he has issues and if you bring it up he just denies it or gets angry. And it's funny, he always hates people with depression and thinks that the illness is a horrid shameful thing. He's said some really mean things about my depression while I was growing up before I moved out. Now every time I go home to see them I grow increasingly frustrated at what I see. I wish I had more advice for you. It must be extremely hard. I hope you stay strong and pull through.
  16. Got up, went to work. got home feeling energy-less and depressed.
  17. i am kinda at the start of a new depressive episode Am listening to "this darkness" by Sirenia. Lyrics: " This darkness on my mindAlways tries to bring me further downThis darkness deep insideMakes me lose myself time after time " This song shows how depression is nibbling at me all the time.
  18. I feel like depression has ruined most of my life. It's been over 10 years and I never had a single friend. I actually hated being with people becuase I have social anxiety but then again I'd get so lonely and I would see other people going outside with groups of friends and I'd be by myself. Everybody's facebook wall would be filled with gruop photos and I would be just by myself. I've been wantig to just end it countless times. the only people who would care are my parents. And really with my depression it's a chronic disease and I don't think there's any way around it. I'm not sure i can accept it.
  19. I've had depression for around 10 years or so, been on many meds and none really helped. For the past few months I've been working on really fixing myself, and I've never been happier and I've been happy pretty much nonstop. I feel like I've made so much progress in my job, relationship, social life and physical wellbeing. Before then, earlier this year, I had the worst depressive episode in my life. But now I feel ilke it's all gonna come crashing down soon for no reason. It started with feeling like I couldn't do something at work and suddenly I had the bad thoughts (bad thoughts as in I just wanted to end it). I tried to push them away but now 2 days later I am sitting here feeling suddenly depressed and want to cry for no big reason at all. This is really scary. I don't know what's wrong with me or why these thoughts are coming back again. This feeling is so foreign because I havent felt like this for the past few months, but at the same time it feels so familiar because this is how I've been feeling mostly depressed for a long time. I had hope that I could get better but now I don't know
  20. This is what I've learned to accept. I've been depressed for so long, and I don't even want to think about the past few years because they were so bleak and I've hit rock bottom over and over again, with each rock bottom seeming worse than the previous "rock bottom." I've seen therapists and taken medications and though they might allieviate my symptoms, they aren't the be all and end all. I felt like I never was fully healed. Right now I am at one point in my life where I feel I am (mostly) in the clear. I can count on my fingers on one hand how many points I've felt this way before. Heck, even now I don't believe I am cured and someday depression will come knocking me down. This time, being in remission, it is great, I am trying to savor every moment this time. I am living life right now. I don't care if depression drowns me again. At least I made some happy memories in this life.
  21. I bought birthday gifts for my bf. Apart from my parents, I've never loved anyone before and have never been loved before. So it makes me so happy to buy these things for him, I put a lot of thought into it and I can't wait to give it to him. I also cleaned up my home a little bit.
  22. I just wanted to say, for the longest time I've felt so down. I only had my mom basically. No friends. I did have a job but I knew my depression was severely impacting my potential. Every day was excrutiatingly painful. I thought about ending it everyday. I wrote long entries in my diary and plans to just give up. And I mean detailed plans. I felt like I was terminal since I had depression for 10 years. It felt like a dark hole I would never get out of. But now some things, some stroke of fate, luck, whatever, has brought me out of the hell I was in. I don't need to go into details. But take it from someone who had severe depression for so long. You *can* feel better. You have the potential to. But I want to tell you. Hang in there. Really. I can't say how many nights I just couldn't sleep and I felt so useless and unloved and drowning in this kind of mind numbing stupor. As cliche and as stupid as it sounds, you really should hang in there, just know, that one day, things will turn around. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or next month, or next year, but know, at least have hope, that things that were meant to be, will be meant to be. Things that weren't meant to be, weren't meant to be. I can't say I am fully healed, I am nowhere near that, I dont think I can ever be fully healed. Maybe right now my depression is in remission. It just feels so good to finally come up to the surface of the water and take a gasp of air. I don't know for how long I will stay afloat. But know that someday it will be your moment to rise to the surface and breathe fresh air. Have that hope, hold on to it, live for it. I may be a stranger, but I am here to send you good vibes, and know I will support you. If any of you want to chat, PM me.
  23. Thank you! I am at the age where everyone's getting married and this feeling of being in love and being loved is completely new to me. Before this I was way too socially anxious to talk to guys, or any in general. This weekend I spent with him has been like something out of a fairytale. But sometimes I still hear that small voice in the back of my head telling me that good things never last in my life and I'll crash and burn. I'm trying to tell it to be quiet.
  24. When I am depressed, it's not just sad... It's like I feel dead. Like I am so empty and there is no point to anything and I don't care about anything. I can't laugh or feel anything, and I have no energy at all. I spend my extra time in bed... Just laying there feeling deadened like my body is chained down with weights and its hard to even move, let alone get out of bed. And the self defeating thoughts destroy me 24/7. I feel alone, ugly, useless, and I keep thinking about the bad things in my life. I fixate on them. And I think about what is the point of life, because the pain I have currently is more than I can handle. And I already had to put up with it for so many years and going to useless doctors and taking pill after pill. At bad times, I had these bad thoughts go through my mind, to hurt myself, or worse.
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