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Everything posted by johncp727

  1. I feel good because I took a lot of kratom. It'll fade in an hour or two though, but then I'll just go to sleep.
  2. I'm starting to feel like 3 years of antidepressants made everything worse. I made myself more stable in exchange for the essence of who I was. Wasn't worth it.
  3. I don't have any attention deficit problem but my depression causes what essentially amounts to the same problem: a total inability to turn desire into action. I even struggle with feeling happy in the fleeting moments when I am. Sorry I don't have advice for you. But I can confirm you are very far from being alone in this.
  4. I want to instantly lose 20 lbs. and have thicker, longer hair sprout from my head. I also want to want realistic things.
  5. Hey DF, long-time since I've posted. I just wanted to spread a little positivity and talk about something good in my life. For the last half-year or so I've been a regular user of kratom, a leaf that you can take in pill form or as a tea (and tea is my preference because there's way less nausea). It's legal in most places except for a few US states. Florida where I am, the state is contemplating banning it because governments ruin everything. Basically it's a herb that can be stimulating in low doses, sedating in high doses, it has pain relief properties, gives minor euphoria, and for me I find it to be a wonderful empathogen because it makes me way more sociable. I'm not telling you to try it and I'm not promoting it as a miracle. I still have plenty of bleak days, I still struggle with constant anhedonia and pessimistic thoughts. A friend of mine describes it as feeling like "the best cup of coffee you ever had in your life." It's really mild, it's magnitudes less powerful than alcohol which a lot of people use to self-medicate much to their detriment. Like I mentioned though, the government isn't fond of it and it's getting a lot of bad attention. It can be abused like any psychoactive substance but I've used it in moderation and had great results. But for me, it's not so much the substance as the community. Where I am there is a huge tea bar community unlike anywhere in the US and I have met the best people there. Everyone is super LGBT friendly and I've gotten to meet people from all kinds of cultural and religious backgrounds. Now again, I'm not telling anyone to go out and try it. But if you've heard bad things about it, I just wanted to say it's almost all false. And I really don't want to turn this positive thread into an anti-government rant but I really despise the powers that be these days. If you think about it, pretty much all of us on this forum are taking a medicine with a blackbox warning. But meanwhile, if a cancer patient wants to smoke something helpful - nope, schedule 1. MDMA is hugely helpful for PTSD - schedule 1. Psilocybin cures cluster headaches - schedule 1. And methamphetamine is prescribed to children with ADHD. Quite a world we're living in.
  6. Xanax was simultaneously the most beautiful thing in my life and the most dangerous prescription I was ever given. I'm off it now, I miss it, but I'm better off.
  7. I realize that my antidepressants numb all my emotions but I also realize I don't care - yet probably the only reason I don't care is because of that antidepressant effect. Worst thing is I find that kind of funny. Do you care that your emotions are muted?
  8. Sorry I don't have a place of my own. I might one day emigrate to Germany to live with my girlfriend over there. What are your reasons?
  9. Don't let it be a self-fulfilling prophecy, that's the most important thing. The worst thing that can happen to you is you thinking your relapse means you're screwed and you then just give up entirely. Go about life as if it didn't happen. Staying off drugs is hard. I still miss them. It's okay to miss them - just because they screw you over in the long term doesn't mean there isn't something alluring in the first place. But you can win.
  10. Fair point. If I had kids I'd be a bad parent, which is why I won't. At least I realize that and take the precautions to not screw that up.
  11. Instead of substance abuse which once was one of my most dangerous coping mechanisms, I've found that being tattooed or pierced can always produce a reliable high that will never hurt you (except of course for infections, but that's why you go to professionals!) I just got my forward helix done today and felt amazing for hours. I have my two inner conchs done as well, a tongue web (that rejected), nipples (that I willingly took out cause they were in the way all the time), and four tattoos. Both sides of my ribs! No pain no gain. Who else enjoys body mods and gets a rush from them?
  12. Considering where Saul is at the beginning in the black and white sequence, I think he easily suffered a worse fate than Walt, Mike, and Gus combined.
  13. Theoretically you could get serotonin syndrome but only if you're super sensitive to serotonergic agents. I combined Zoloft and Wellbutrin and was fine.
  14. It's hard for me to step outside of myself. Honestly I kind of prefer people who have issues to some extent. Bad as it sounds, a totally well adjusted person is, I don't know - boring.
  15. I don't believe in free will but I think there is a level of awareness we have as humans that makes us more than machines.
  16. I know I'm just a stranger who doesn't know you but I'm sure you're not hideous. That's just the depression talking.
  17. Trigger warning for suicide and transphobia: A 17 year old transgender girl named Leelah Alcorn ended her life after posting a suicide note to Tumblr which went viral. She was subjected by her parents to "treatment" by religiously biased therapists only. Her parents denied her gender identity and her right to transition. She stated in her suicide note that her parents forcibly removed her from school and cut off her contact with her friends after she came out as a gay male in an attempt to ease her peers' acceptance of her gender identity. She stated that she wanted her death to mean something. Please make it mean something. Treat transgender people with the respect they deserve. If you're a parent, please acknowledge your child's gender identity and be supportive. Leelah could be alive today had her parents not abused her.
  18. Somebody once suggested to me that this isn't so much a tribute as a warning -- like the horse head in "The Godfather." This is a joke. Please don't any cat lovers be offended. Cats are indeed awesome, and pets can be a huge help when you're depressed. Editing to add I'm not wanting to offend any horse lovers either. Actually I read that it's the cat's way of saying "You should be going out hunting, look how easy it is!"
  19. I'm sorry but I'm still pessimistic about this treatment being effective without constant dose administration. I don't think dissociative drugs can permanently rewire the brain.
  20. Survive my insane, emotionally abusive family for another year! :D
  21. Well I experienced the worst side effect of being made suicidal but I also was on a lot of recreational drugs at the time which didn't help. Overall though I didn't experience anything else - sertraline is the most subtle antidepressant I've ever taken.
  22. If you're prepared for the commitment of course it's fine. I'd say it's wrong if you said, I'll get a cat now and drop him off at the shelter when I'm feeling better, but I don't think any decent person would do that.
  23. I'm bi and my parents aren't terribly homophobic but I've never felt the need to tell them. It helps that I've been with a woman the last two years and it hasn't mattered much. But I think, coming out for coming out's sake is pointless. If you can be happy without them knowing and want to avoid weirdness then that's nothing to be ashamed of.
  24. I don't know, I grew up in a home where f-bombs were dropped between every random object thrown across the room. My language really depends on my environment. I don't curse at work or in polite company but when with some groups of friends it's a pretty regular occurrence. I don't think it's related to depression but the anger itself might be. Don't be self-conscious about it, sometimes you need to vent and lash out.
  25. Kratom is an ethnobotanical supplement that is legal and over-the-counter in the US and most countries (though apparently controlled in Australia). It is without a doubt one of the best things I've ever taken. Mild euphoria without a comedown, a nice sense of well being. The only problem is that it's expensive so I will probably save it for such occasions as important days like job interviews, or long flights and things of that nature. It's wonderful for depression and anxiety though (and sleep!) You can order it online or get it from a smoke shop. Probably good to ask your doctors if it's safe with other meds you take and all that first.
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