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Everything posted by plainjane

  1. Hi everyone, I just finished a week long stay in a beheavioral health unit. It was very productive and helpful for me. Now that I am home, I'm having to pick up the pieces of a year-long bipolar rollercoaster. I was suicidal, self injurous, mean, angry, fun, you name it. Things with my immediate family are very strained now. My sisters railed into me about "melodrama" and to "grow the F up." They want me to leave them and my parents alone. I get that I'm 38 and should be more on track, but no amount of education about bipolar helps. They just express that I'm a brat. So I feel the beginnings of estrangement from people who were never very supportive anyway. I don't want to be barred from my parents. I'm having anger trouble, especially around my wife. But I don't understand why my anger flies out viciously at her when I'm not even mad at her. I guess I need help with my communication. I statements don't work with my sisters. I don't need or want a relationship with my sisters if they aren't willing to treat me as an adult (I am the youngest and they seem to have their lives all perfect. They've always treated me like I'm a permanant 14-y.o.). So I put an anger management and a DBT book aside to get at the bookstore today. Is this a good start? I'll be starting therapy on Monday.
  2. Yes, I can relate. I have bipolar 1 and am in the middle of a strong depressed phase. Try to accept it, I am trying to accept that I will be on meds and in therapy probably for the rest of forever, and may need to be hospitalized once in a while. It's just how we were made, I guess. I understand about doing nothing and feeling worse. Sometimes all I can do, I tell myself, is all I can do. A therapist told me that depression does not last forever even if you try to force it to end, or do nothing about it at all. Keep talking here, you have lots of people who can relate.
  3. I just get so tired...like I have 2 hours left and I am dreading it, want to just run away from it. It's pretty pathetic. I just can't stand that I could be doing so much more, either at home or even here, if they would let me.
  4. Does this exist for bipolar? I would like having proof like that.
  5. Thanks, Sheep. My meds do seem to be helping, but my job is sort of dissatisfying...not enough to do, which gives me too much downtime. It wasn't how they said it would be, which is disappointing. My therapy is starting off well, I have had a couple of appointments and I like her. I like my pdoc too, it seems like I have a good team assembled. So why do I feel down again? They upped my abilify and effexor a while ago, I guess a few weeks ago now, but I just feel sleepy and anxious, if it's not one it's generally the other. I don't understand why. Right now I feel both. Everyday is like a mixed episodic day- I get up feeling good, drag myself into work, get thrilled when it's time to leave, crash when I get home usually.
  6. It's weird, my job here isn't too stressful, but it's the opposite- very dull. Anyway, the dullness makes me think of the long days stretching out in front of me, and it makes me depressed. It's supposed to be a meaningful job, but it's not how they said it would be when I accepted it. I don't know whether to stay because I am in a depressed phase of my bipolar 1, or go because it's actually making me dissatisfied. Anyway, it's hard to sort out for me. I'm trying to fill my time with extra projects, but yesterday my boss couldn't understand why I would be doing things not specifically asked of me. I might have broken my wrist late last week, and the thought of being in a cast again (I broke it once before) makes me feel down. Basically, it's a lot of little things getting me down, and my days move so slow. My therapist worries that I will crash and burn again, I saw her yesterday. She doesn't want to see me in the hospital again, which happened in the past because of too much job/life stress. We're trying to buy a house too, which is stressful by itself. I just feel blah and down. I want to sleep and read, just escape. Any advice out there for me?
  7. Send over a drink, that always charmed me. If the come to you to thank you, you can try starting a conversation. Have you done that?
  8. Do you really want a "hedonistic free for all"? It seems like you don't really, that you're looking for a connection with someone. It's not easy being gay. Do you have friends that are also gay? Maybe they can help you hook up, and come out of your shell a little. Think of how you present yourself to others, whether at a bar you seem to be expecting too much, or if you might be putting others off somehow. I used to be quite stand off-ish, and it made it hard for me to meet anyone. I never felt like online arrangements worked for me, but through my friends I found my wife and am quite happy these days. Don't kid yourself, it's not easy being gay. Many of us feel isolated even in the most liberal of cities and towns. You feel unattractive, and I am sure that shows up in a lack of confidence. Try and tell yourself that real people worth being with look beyond appearances, and if you take the best care of yourself that you can, you will be infinitely more attractive and accepting of yourself as you are. It's ok to cry, no one likes being embarrassed! Don't hurt yourself- I have been down that road and it gets ugly and beyond sad. I hope this helps at least a little.
  9. You sound like my ex husband, who was a real trooper when I was in and out of the hospital. He felt the same way, and I can't imagine what I put him through. He kept the family running, went to work and had to work from home a lot too. I had a lot of ideas about grand things we could do and would get depressed when we couldn't. I am thankful to him for keeping the house together, the family running, and making it so I didn't have to work for a while. I felt connected to him when we just started over with the basics of conversation. We took it easy and got to know each other again. Maybe try doing that. And take care of yourself-- do you do anything for you?
  10. Hospitals help you get on the right meds, it's not scary as you think to be inpatient. I think it was very good to give myself those times I spent there. I learned a lot and got on the correct diet, got some exercise habits, and yes, meds were part of it. A lot of intensive therapy was good too, meetings with doctors who had set times to see you daily, and social workers too. I am not meaning it's like a vacation, it's a lot of work to get well, but if you are committed to it, it's a good place to be- safe, around other people like you, and you get some respite from the outside world for a while. What do you think you're going to do?
  11. I know what you mean about losing your confidence. I am new-ish at this job I have now and after a string of jobs I couldn't keep, this one seems like a good fit but I am always paranoid that I am not doing it right, not doing enough, doing something wrong-- like nothing I could do could possibly be right. It's really frustrating when your boss is wishy washy and you have tried everything you can think of. It does make a person want to walk out the door. My wife is also a tough cookie, she wants me always to "buck up" and never to be down or defeated, even when I don't feel like I can help being that way. Sometimes I have wished for an accident too, in my down days and moments. I think I feel stressed and anxious and can't help but want to avoid the situation somehow. I won't ever actually create a car accident or anything, but I do think upon the times in the hospital as so helpful and beneficial and in stressful times I feel almost wistful for that place when I am having a bad patch. It sounds like work is very stressful for you now. What do you do outside work to forget about it?
  12. Yes, try out the pdoc and they will help you with your fears and hopefully acceptance of whatever you might have going on. I have been on many different combinations of meds in the past few years and my team finally hit on a good combination two years ago, which I have been faithfully taking every night. My pdoc says you should take meds at night because very often they do make you tired. So I do, and I found that I sleep better and I am a bit more energetic in the day time. I currently take lamictal, abilify, trazodone, and effexor with the occasional xanax for panic attacks. My antidepressant (effexor) did have to be raised recently (have not felt a benefit yet still waiting for that) and my trazodone because I wasn't sleeping. Good luck.
  13. Yes, welcome home! I do the same thing, try to accomplish so much and get antsy when there isn't much to actually get done. But do take it easy, don't over do it as you get back into your every day life.
  14. Hi All, I am back on DF after a hiatus, life happened. I feel lately like I am on a daily roller coaster, I don't know how my day is going to be. I got remarried this fall, and my wife is trying to make sense of being married to someone with bipolar. Sometimes she gets frustrated and I can understand that. I want to help her. I also haven't been to therapy in a couple of years and I am restarting it again this afternoon. Guess I am a little bit nervous. I am at work right now, about an hour and a half to go. My job is fairly tame most of the time. I have struggled in the last two years to keep a job, this one seems right for me, but I am unnecessarily afraid of losing it. I keep waiting for the good fit of this job to change, for the other shoe to drop and I get fired or I have a crazy moment and quit. I am trying not to do that again, just up and quit something. I am on meds, they just got tweaked a week or so ago, I don't feel a difference yet. I guess I am just looking for advice on the living with bipolar part. I almost finished myself off a couple years ago and it was partly (a big part) because of my old job and my former marriage. I've not quite accepted yet that this is the rest of my life, like it or lump it. I love my new wife, she is wonderful, and I am very happy with that part of my life. I am ok at work, not happy, not sad. Sometimes I feel satisfied but a lot of the time I am focusing so much on the goodness waiting for me at home that I make my day go so slow. Today I am excited because I get to leave an hour early for my therapy appointment. Anyway, how do you cope with the unpredictable moods? Thanks- Plain Jane
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