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Mr Shadow

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About Mr Shadow

  • Birthday 12/15/1988

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  1. Another 10 days has passed and I feel pretty good, at least for a present moment, maybe even great. My anxiety went down, I remembered a lot of things I loved to do before I was in the relationship, contacted a semi-friend from university, now I actually like coming home from work, when previous to that I was happier while working, my work performance and overall energy improved too. I almost stopped thinking about her, deleted bigger part of the photos of us, temporarily distanced myself from facebook, it seems that I'm taking all the right steps and it is working. :) I guess it truly was a toxic relationship, I mostly held on to it because she was my first true love and I never had anything before her, so I pushed through, but she just wasn't the right person for me. Now I'm glad that we didn't get married or got kids, that may have ended badly, as of now I'm actually starting to feel happiness and excitement about future again. Give it another two weeks, maybe a month or two, and maybe I'll be ready to get back to the game again. :)
  2. What you described are standard symptoms of misophonia and it often goes hand in hand with depression.
  3. I personally found, that if I'm anxious because I worry about other people anxiety hits a lot harder than when I am thinking about myself, because if I worry about myself, at least I am somewhat in control. Almost every case of anxiety is at least somewhat different, there is no single cure or treatment for all of them.
  4. I too have a slight misophonia, I use the sound of rain to help me sleep f.e. Sensitivity to sounds is related to anxiety/is obsessive compulsive disorder, if you decide to seek help for this particular thing make sure to find a specialist who knows what misophonia is and has practice in treating it, because it can not be treated like a regular anxiety disorder. Nothing is wrong with you, it always gets worse before starting to get better. Be strong, try to relax more, remember the things which make you happy and try to focus on them.
  5. @CoolCat7 yeah, it was me, back then I too complained about not having friends, not much has changed in that department, maybe excluding my grown appreciation for solitude. @lonelyforeigner Thanks for the kind words, yeah, it feels if you open up to people and try being nice, you mostly attract jerks, who want to use you or treat you like a doormat or just take your niceness for granted and think that they can do whatever they want and you will always forgive them or that there won't be any consequences. There has only been a week since we broken up, so I give myself at very least a month or two, before maybe I'll try again, but it all feels like such a chore. At least with girls, I have done it once, so I probably could eventually find someone again, at least now I have a better idea of what I would want from a relationship, so I wouldn't be starting from scratch, I guess. Have no idea what to do in making friends department, there are activities which I go to with my coworkers, but I'm known there as quite introverted guy and am mostly left in the sidelines - people answer to me if I speak to them, but mostly never approach me or talk to me otherwise. There was this one coworker woman, which I felt a slight connection to, but she got fired about a year ago and I don't really think that I should message her, because she has a boyfriend (or at least had back then) and has a history of guys stalking her, it would just feel wrong I think, especially after all this time and after my breakup, so that's not really an option. I somehow don't feel sad - just empty and also a little bit angry. I'll give it time, maybe the anger and emptiness will pass and maybe then I can again try to find someone who would understand and appreciate me for who I am, in the end that's mostly all I want.
  6. I did everything for this girl, payed for everything, brought home flowers at least once a month, bought her expensive gifts, spent time with her, didn't make any high demands, while she was making hers. I tired to talk, to reason, she was telling that she loves me. Sure, not everything was bad - first year was rough, but the second year living together was great, she didn't really do much if anything for me, but she didn't complain, we spent a lot of time together and I tough that we were happy, but alas, she went back home for summer (she's still a student) and when she got back everything reverted back - nothing I did was apparently good enough for her, she started talking about wanting to go to bars/clubs, despite we both agreeing that we don't like those places from the beginning of the relationship, I tried to appease her, but everything I did was left unappreciated. Then she starts telling me that she's bored and I'm not manly enough for her, so I get p***** off and tell her that we should separate in that case, but then she started crying, saying how she loves me and everything will be ok, that she isn't thinking clearly, because she wasn't seeing her psychologist during summer etc, so we make up, but week later I find out that when I was on a business trip for two days she was talking to some other guy and planning to go out with him and that she gave her number to some other random guy on the street and I only found out because she got tangled in her own lies, which all came crashing down on her. She tells me that it was a mistake and that she wants to be with me and that all her complains doesn't matter, but I had enough, I told her that she has to move out(she was living in my apartment). I had about five panic attacks during those 3 years, all because of her lying and constant complaining, never had a panic attack in my life before. I never lied to her, I hate lying and can not compromise about it. We separated peacefully - I helped her to move her things to the dormitory, she was crying everyday for a week and I assured her that everything will be ok and that we can stay friends. I feel relief but also a void inside of me. She was the only girl I have ever had. I was bullied as a child and because of that I didn't have anyone until I was 25, because I couldn't trust anyone. I let my guard down for this one person and for what? To be lied, manipulated and underappreciated once more? I feel like I'll always be alone (I never had a friend either), which is not necessarily a bad thing, because I got used to being alone and doing things by myself, but it leaves me feeling like an outsider to the society. I don't think I'll have the energy to seek for anyone ever again. For every date on dating sites I had to send like a thousand of messages, because girls there usually don't even reply to me and make me feel like they are doing me a favor by going out with me (despite me paying for everything - what a joke), most of the dates don't go anywhere anyways, I hate the dating game and don't want to go through that again and I don't know how to make friends, so I can't find girls any other way either and finding friends at my age seems to be even harder - if you missed out on friendships while growing up you are mostly screwed, if you're a girl, you can ask other girl out to have a chat over a cup of coffee, but if your'e a guy and you don't like to drink alcohol you're out of luck. And don't tell me about going to the groups/doing activities - been there, done that. Sure, I don't mind hanging out with people from time to me, but since I'm introverted and mostly a quite person I can only make acquaintances and not friends in such gatherings. So there. I guess I'm mostly venting - another forever alone thread thrown into the void of the internet.
  7. Just feel so tired and helpless. My anxieties are constantly making me sick, because when I get anxious I get IBS, extreme nausea, heart palputations and I feel anxious all the time and I can do nothing about it, because it comes subconciously and when I notice it, it is already too late - no breathing excercices, meditation, positive thinking helps, because adrenaline is already in the system and I'm already sick because of it, I can't drive, can't travel etc because of it. I also have misiphonia, which prevents me from ever sleeping in the same room with my gf, slightest noises at night wake me up and I can't wear earplugs because of my damaged ear, white noices doesn't help. On top of that I recently developed tinnitus from the oil ear drops my doctor gave to me to clean ear wax, which is like hell on earth, when you already have sound sensitivity and there is no cure from any of this. Nothing seem to make me happy anymore. I used to love writing, but now it feels just like another chore, everything does. I'm lost, I just want everything to end.
  8. When I drive I get this surreal feeling, like it's not really happening, like I'm not really handling a big chunk of metal, flying at high speed with me inside, like it wouldn't really be a big deal if I swirled from the road, crashed into something or drove off the bridge. Then the driving is over and I'm anxious, nauseous and afraid again, afraid of another time I'll need to get behind the wheel, because I feel like my life will be at great risk, because I don't trust myself on driving properly and the more I drive, the more this fear and anxiety increases. I try to explain this to people, but they don't get it, they tell me to "man-up" , "get over it" , "everyone can do it." And then I'm left thinking maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to be dead, so I wouldn't need to drive and experience that nausea and embarrassment of not being able to handle it ever again, which is curious, because everything else in my life seems to be going great or at least fine and this one thing, makes me contemplate this though. I don't think I'm really suicidal or even depressed, I just feel like I'm sort of backed into the corner on this issue and I'm not sure how I would get out of it.
  9. Hello, all, I got my drivers license a year ago and I got my car this spring, but every trip with it has been a nightmare. When I know that I'll need to drive somewhere I get extreme nausea and painful stomach cramps about a day before and they persist about a day after the trip. I'm fine when I am in the car, driving, but the time before that is beyond awful. I had to drive quite often this summer and during that time I dropped 10 pounds, developed severe insomnia and mild depression. I have been to the doctor, done all kinds of tests, tried various medication, tried meditation and yoga, but nothing helped. Now I stopped driving about two months ago and everything went back to normal but I absolutely dread the time when I will need to drive again, because I don't want to through this nausea and insomnia ever again, so my question is - what can I do about it? Just give up on driving? It feels like I have tried everything else.
  10. You don't need to have friends/family to be happy. Many of those who do, are still miserable. I was bullied and alone for a long time too and I understand how it weights on your mind. It is very hard for people to make friends if they never really had them before, because we didn't develop proper skills and most people can't relate to that, but it doesn't mean you need to be miserable. Just because you're alone, doesn't mean you can't be happy. Just say "screw all of them" and try doing more things by yourself, go to the movies, restaurants, park or any other place you like, who cares if people look at you funny or talk behind your back - it means nothing. We all be dead sooner or later, those, who lived their lives filled with friends, family etc. will die just the same, like those who spent all their lives alone. Go out there, do your own thing, as long as you're not bothering anyone else - who cares? It is very possible and never too late to find happiness in solitude.
  11. The more I drive, the more I hate it. Every time I go on a trip, which is longer than 10 minutes I get at least several close calls. My mind is just not designed to drive. I zone-out and can't react fast enough, when I get into unexpected situations, not to mention that I get extremely sick to the point of gagging and coughing every time I am forced into driving. Driving is eating away at both my physical and my mental health. Further more, the complete lack of compassion and inability to understand of how strongly I feel about this from those dear to me, makes me angry at them. It seems like not a big deal for them, like I'm making it all up! They say that "I need to get used to it," but the more I drive the worse I feel. Having a car is ruining my life. :(
  12. @Luis I pretty much think the same, never will I use my car to do mundane chores, unless I absolutely have to, I would much rather just spend extra 30 minutes to go to the store by foot or take the public transportation, so I wouldn't need to worry about parking, cops, jams etc. If I lived in the outskirts - sure, I sometimes even enjoy driving, when there's little or none cars around, but driving in the big city? Thanks, but no thanks, not for me. Well, at least todays drive went somewhat fine - I stalled once in the beginning and my gps fell off the window, so I detoured a little, but after that everything went fine. I found a big parking spot in the back of the building, where I registered my car, so I could park calmly and the way back was almost a breeze. Parking lot near my house is always semi - empty during weekends and in the evening, so I don't have much trouble parking there. Now, everything is handled and hopefully I won't need to drive during busy hours for a while and when I'll go for a trip I'll be able to plan ahead and leave in the very early morning or in the evening, so hopefully I won't run into much traffic - yippee! It's stone off my chest, I feel a lot better now.
  13. It seems that every time I get into the car, something bad happens - I get lost, stall, get honked at. It's not that I don't know how to drive properly, it's just that there are so much things to be aware of at the same time, when you're in heavy traffic, my mind just can't handle it. I have an analytic brain and it just doesn't work that well, when I need to react to something fast - I like to take my time. Last time I needed to drive, five days ago I bent my car in the parking lot, thankfully the car I hit was old and the owner just looked at me and then drove off - he didn't even care, nonetheless I haven't slept for about two days after that, dreading the next time I have to drive. And that next time is tomorrow - I need to change my license plates, meaning driving through heavy traffic and then PARKING in a possibly crowded parking lot. It feels like I would rather do anything but that, but I need to, because my temporary numbers expire soon and I need to change them into proper ones. What makes me angry is that people don't take my anxiety seriously, my family tells me that I'm weak for not wanting to drive and my gf says, that that's just a thing every man supposed to do and that most guys enjoy driving (she doesn't have a license herself). Stupid pile of metal garbage, I wish I never bought a car to begin with! :(
  14. Thank you all for the replies, it really helps. Here in Lithuania people are a lot more close minded, my parents told me many times that a man will be perceived as weak if he doesn't drive, and many women on local forums stated, that they wouldn't date a man, who doesn't drive and how weird it is. Before I had a gf and was in the dating game I was often turned down after a woman found out that I don't drive, not before I started learning to, that I was being taken seriously : "it's strange that you don't have a license yet, but at least you're learning." I don't think that instructor will help much at this point, because I already had about a fifty paid lessons before I even got my license, because you have to pass three filmed exams and it's really hard to do so over here. For me its usually worse thinking about driving than actually doing so, once I start driving I'm too focused on everything around me to be anxious, unless something goes wrong, like if I stall and cars behind me start honking or if I miss a turn and have to manuver around in heavy traffic to get back on the correct road, THEN I feel like I'm in hell.
  15. I recently bought a car and I wish I didn't. Just thinking about driving makes me want to puke, if I need to drive somewhere panic sets in like two days before, while driving I make mistakes, stall, drive too slow, I live in a big city, so if I miss a turn I get lost and panic, heart starts to race, I start sweating, gps helps a lot, but it's another distraction, meaning more mistakes, since I need all the focus I can get to drive at least semi competently. I get so upset over this, I didn't want my license in the first place, but I got social pressured into getting one and now I am being pressured into driving it's all because of the stereotype that if you're a man, then you must drive. It's so stupid, majority will openly say to you that if you're a man and you are not good at driving and don't enjoy it then you're a loser, no matter if you have a good job, house etc, know how to take care of yourself and others. I feel like I'm going to go crazy over this, I feel trapped - I'm doomed if I drive and I doomed if I don't, there's just no way out. Why do people still care so much about the traditional social roles?
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