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ink8290

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Everything posted by ink8290

  1. PLUS MORNING breakfast meds meditation emails list boards went out lawyer art shop arranged to dump personal and professional items Talked my embasy lunch ....yeahhh...i have a Ed..this is a big step forward. more email paper work clean up work space in studio on line emails list serves. TO DO meds dinner meditation watch tv with a friend.
  2. Yes i accomplished allot. I am leaving my country of residence for 11 years and have a 50 point plan to exit. Today I achieved allot and found professionals very very helpful.
  3. I know i have ASD....its like a slight breeze can shatter your bones to dust.
  4. i know i must be who and what i am.i am very tired now and am going to try and sleep.....I will post more in the morning. I hope i feel less panic to try and sleep.
  5. I take 7.5 mgs a day.It seems to help sometimes but sometimes i think it hinders...i know its almost impossible for me to stop. I have to trust my psych dr.
  6. I am now having a major panic attack.....i guess putting thoughts on a support board is just terrifying for me. I acknowledge my delicacy and vulnerability is enormous. I guess im getting ill again. That's just what I am. Really need help with this stuff. Im getting terrified again. My life seems like it is on a thread and balancing on a pinhead.
  7. I seem to have moments of great clarity you know. I just had such a moment where i could see exactly what was happening with me. You know im not depressed essentially at all. Im fact i feel im super happy and optimistic in a sense. I have had so much therapy in my life some time people i have talked to have said things that really stuck in my mind. i think it was 16 years ago i was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder ASD. It can be broken down into.... Unipolar depression/Chronic anxiety/Ocd/Adhd/Dyslexia/ Gender dysphoria/Si/Ed/psychosis without loss of contact with "reality"/Mild bi polar/Addictive obsessive personality disorder.and here's the best "Protracted personality fragmentation disorder". . ......My ASD therapist threw up her arms one day and said..."gaud why dont they just call it ASD?"....which i think in regards to the new DSM they are dropping "Aspergers"...so so such a mouthful..... but you know core to my problem with depression is mainly the OCD/health anxiety part of the thing ...I have it really bad..there is not a day goes by where i do not think i have a terminal illness. So being the "happy camper" I am in essence i just plumbet into a anxiety depression daily. Its like im running on adrenalin all the time to get away from it. The paradox is the better things get for me the worse they get for me as the more hope and optimism i have the worse the depression hopelessness and sense of doom and anxiety becomes. Its not being 60 years old that worries me I have always been like this. Dam Ocd/health anxiety is such a core issue with me . I clearly and honestly state that being dead dose not bother me in the slightest because the way i figure it i was dead for millions and billions of years before i was born. I have inherent in me a odd clairvoyance from childhood. I use to collect Arum lilies my most favored flor and so did my mother. Its not till i had contact with indio culture that i realized that the Mexician indo symbolism is exactly the above concept. I must have had clear visions as a child regarding the direction of my life. But thats getting off the topic. So basically the happier and more hopeful i become the worse the anxiety becomes because i know its going to be taken one day ...As i said its not death i fear its the dull boring process of dying that i am terrified of on a daily basis. My ASD therapist said"there is nothing wrong you just have less healthy denial than most people." That was not too great to hear. The above situation precipitated a suicide attempt some 8 years ago.......It was like gaud...just get it over with....... Which obviously failed but left me with some brain damage sadly. The paradox of the brain damage was that i lost part of my brain and more of my energy went into my visual side hence i was left with a hyper visual memory and my picture making got better and better. Wierd ay. But to keep this focused my problem is the happier i get the more depressed and anxious i get. I just am unsure of the next move with this except to table it with my psych doctor as i did with m y Si. For gods sake I don't know what to do about it. Im unwilling to take any more meds than im on. I sometimes go talk to to an indian guy . Im kinda interested in that way of thinking more and more and my vedic meditation is important to me. It helps allot. Anyone relate to the above.......suggestions welcome. As far as the ASD goes yeah i think i am...although i have gone through years of denial around that...............Yup "Autie".....its pretty obvious to me today....but I cant stand other ASD people......so i avoid ASD support boards like the plague. Im getting a tad "itchy" with the above.....dam.....so depressing. The recent death of my partner of 13 years did not help either with my abysmal attitude. Think ild go meditate talk to God of my own understanding a bit. It helps. This is so embarrassing to post. Im just mortified. Maybe i am like the dream i had last night...........insane.
  8. i drifted off to sleep and had a very vivid dream .The first I can fully recall in a long time. I was going through some boarder security check in Australia i think and i was detained for my internet activities in regards to admissions of mental illness. I in the dream behaved in the only way i knew how to authority with respect and compliance. i remember the remember the Australian accents very strongly. I police officer came into the room and she asked me did i know i was insane. I stated yes mam. There where now 2 other officers present and they wanted to examine my arms and legs for scars. I complied with their requests. They asked me about them and i replied I am in recovery for 3 years. The female officer seemed to be more on my side than the males who continued an inquiry but eventually stated that it was good i was in recovery. Now 2 doctors where present and one took my new teeth plate and examined it as stated how beautifully made it was. Than he stated I will take this and handed me in turn a old messed up one. I was than escorted to a hospital for containment.The hospital was elaborate and had many flights of stairs halls and rooms. There where also dogs attacking me and i did not put up a fight. There was also a man present who seemed to be charge of the dogs.I retained my compliance and dignity always. I was than led to an art room where inmates where taught to paint "madness" in a very strict expressionistic style. The dream was elaborate and vivid. It was also had a very "homoerotic"sexual side to it in a way that i can not elaborate upon.That would be inappropriate..All in all the dream both comforted me and frightened me as there where some people from recovery present as patients in the hospital. MY latest picture (i am an artist) from recovery was presented to me by a nurse and i was asked if i knew i was insane again? i gently again stated yes mam..... i know. end of dream...i have done classes in Jungian interpretation of dreams and i might elaborate at a later post. I think this dream was important and symbolic of my recovery.
  9. InFlames thank you i flames for your response to my post. You know i believe that being transgender is a blessing to be essentially cherished. I think a critical thing to remember in regards to gender and sexual orientation is that as we transition and years pass we become what was essentially our essential psycho/sexual and gender orientation. I found over the years that I grew into a woman and now have values and know what it is to be a woman. When I started transition i knew the essence of my gender and sexual orientation.It has really only been in the past several years that i fully understood womanhood or more accurately my womanhood.I had many layers of male conditioning to work through .That being stated it was not that i embraced male values it was that i was always in reaction to them in some form or another driven by my gender disorientation. Sexually physically pre op i preferred men but only because i was reading them as the polar opposite of what I was and am. Being submissive to a male seemed to reenforce that i was female.Like a yin and yang paradime of gender orientation and self definition. Today i have long let go of this to define my womanhood and now understand that we grow into women just as biological females grow into women. I do remember my many boy friends as a young person and the relationship always failed because i wanted to be treated as female (this was pre transition) and that's not what being gay is about. Than my relationships with women would fail because i was so so psycho/sexual lesbian it would kind slide off the edge into the female extreme. That being stated i do understand that this post may seem confusing and I am not explaining my self very well. But maybe you get my drift. I was a very pained and confused young person and it was not till i started to transition that I started to get some inner peace around gender and sexuality. However i find even at my age it is an ongoing process that probably never ends and i feel that is a good thing because i will always have something to do.............:-) So what came first the chicken or the egg????????? I am unsure. I think that they exist at the same time. I do think that a low low Testosterone level is definitely related to my uni polar depression. However I suspect more and more that i ...instead of...adhd/ocd/gender dysphoria/dyslexia/unipolar depression/possible ptsd/ I am ASD. It fits and the seal of defination is my brother and father. Both unfortunately now dead both i suspect strongly ASD. I am happy to know that "Aspergers" had been dropped from the latest DSM in favor of ASD. But in regards to your post yes a hormonal imbalance can profoundly alter mood and low T levils will cause a depression or if the depression is there underlying it will make it worse. I do apologize for this post being more of an exploration nature as i am currently struggling with concepts of womanhood and what it means to be a ESSENTIALLY woman and of semi fluid gender and sexual orientation in a post modern world and not fall back into post feminism philosophy just because it is there.. Hence allot of deconstruction is going on in my mind and I am making my own path through this. So this post is getting into a ramble so ild take it up later. Thanks again.
  10. "I really believe I was a bad mood waiting to happen" i do not quiet understand that statment do you mean you had a underlying predisposition to the PTSD?
  11. i find your original post very sad. i do not understand how people can be so cruel to their own blood. i just do not understand the Christian far right. There behavior is very cruel. So so sad the know that some people think in such narrow parameters in this day and age.its such a foreign concept to again...i do not understand. Please understand this ...that you come first in your life. I know what its like to feel "emotionally broken" ....I am transgender and lesbian...it seem so ridiculous to me that people carry on like this. I think there is much to understand and deconstruct in regards to neo conservative values. To deconstruct in short means to understand the underlying values that drive the values and behaviors of groups of individuals. On face value to me neo conservatism seem to be driven by fear of difference,however there is much more to be taken into consideration that is way beyond the scope of this post. The short of it is im so sorry that you have to go through this. I have been through similar but different however I do know how distressing it is...especially when one realizes how essentially in Christ like it whole macaroni is. You have my compassion and know that you do have allies in more enlightened parts of the world. Congratulations also on being ...in the mist of all of this going on...being able to form a solid relationship...i wish you both all the luck in the world.
  12. Different people react differently to different meds. It often(in fact more common than not) for it to take a number of tried before you get a med that works for you.. You did not mention the time frames that you tried the meds for. "now i have this awful feeling all the time in my legs and my mind races and i feel like I'm in a fog." this can be an uptake symptom for these meds as they start up and its horrible. However it can also be a reaction to the med long term obviously meaning that the med is NOT right for you. It can be frustrating to go through numbers of meds before things settle or you find the right one. If there is any "right one" i doubt as meds do NOT solve problems they give us tools to work with and knock back symptoms that where so bad it made deployment to tools for recovery impossible to work. I will share with you that i have been on meds for 20 years and have tried just about every med out there at some time. I would also like to remind you that meds are not a cure all again and that different times in our illness and different times in our live require different configurations of meds. I am unsure by your post weather the meds kicked you back because of side effects or they just did not work at all. If the meds where not kicking you back from side effects there can be small amounts of other meds that augment the effect of the antidepressent. Such a med is Abilify a atypical anti psychotic. However i beleive Abilify is a last resort med and should be used with allot of caution.That being stated some people have no problems with it...it has helped me allot . The fact that its not strictly a ssri but a multi neuro receptor reuptake number makes it a very powerful med. wellbrutin is a dopermine reuptake inhibitor plus it effects the Norepinephrine system i think also but im not a dr. Please do not give up hope and try and work pragmatically with your doctorand keep in mind it can take allot of time to get well. Im also sorry you where attacked. I was also ,its a dreadful experience.
  13. So my Ocd is not in a good shape today. I have employed all my stratagies to cope and i ended up just drunk with my old associates .So i came home and im trying to eat. I also have Ed.this is ****ed up.Is internet ****ed up.I feel like god dose make garbage and its me. Im nothing but suburban trailer trash. Landed in Mexico ,just so lost ....i got to get through this garbage. Im noy a white Barsteward royalist ,not the best dressed chicken in town. What am i going to do? Honestly I have ocd/adhad/uni polar polar depression /suspected high function Autisim spectrum disorder/problems with Si/Ed. The OCD is the spanner in the wtrans feminism. Better than just dying on line.
  14. im ok..a bit depressed but not too bad.
  15. This is a cut n paste job from another thread..."my mood is swinging again..............Actually it could be quiet serious...im getting too caught up in my own thoughts....and my Ed has flared its a bit disappointing. And im afraid.....all the time............. i think i must inquire why exactly i am anxious. Well my health anxiety/Ocd has flaired up and and im not really comfortable with a ocd episode. You wouldnt beleive how paranoid i get. And its not for real stuff...like these two guys running round the neighbourhood who killed two people ,policia can not find...and i not worried in the world..but im obsessed with having cancer. The truth is that it has been going on for a few months.I have not really talked about it much on this board .I have developed Ocd in my 20s and it got full blown in my 30s.than as i got older it got better...but it seems to be getting worse again....I really dislike this part of my illness. Maybe i should post...Is there a OCD thread guess there is." Yeah so i guess im in the right place now. Yeah this is a real pi**off this OCD comming back.Im to fragle and sensitive. I got into a place where i had some open mind space....and i was really nice ..its like i self sabatarge with OCD..or maybe im just ill.Grrrrr...hate this. Any suggestions .Much appreciated...you im screwed
  16. I have used rimeron and experienced massive vivid dreams. i actually found them a comfort.
  17. I have been taking abilify for some weeks and 2 nights ago if thought i was hearing voices. I think i have read that abilify can do something like this but also i seem to be having allot of mood swing but no loss of touch with" reality".....I saw my psych doctor today but I have so much on my plate currently regarding sorting out meds and other issues time was up before i could even get into how i was feeling. It seems to have settled down today ....thank god ....any one else experience anything like this on an A bilify uptake ?? .i was really scared two nights ago. It was not so much the low grad voices but the big mood swing that scared me. I have taken abilify for 8 years on and off but never experienced anything like this on a recommencment of the med. odd. As i said i feel ok tonight. I am also wondering if one can develop bi polar at my age in 60. never had anything that looked like bi polar before.
  18. yeah upload effects . I tried prozac and had something similar but the mild euphoria turned into panic and massive anxiety. I had to dump it. Im glad your ok on it. I have been on prozac before ,in fact it was the first anti depressent i tried and i did well on it for years. I had not taken it for years but i had a real bad reaction this time. However im glad its working for you to date.
  19. I am new too. Seems like a good site.Hope we find the support we need here.
  20. I feel ok today. Much better than i did two days ago. I had a major mood swing. It leads me to question the nature of my depression or the effects of my meds. The good news is that today im ok after a huge mood swing.So so im greateful.
  21. Morning. Email meds breakfast see psyc dr Go to computer shop get serge protector shoppin allot of food stock up work for 5 hours. go shopping again Afternoon get on computer list serves anser emails chill friend comming round. meditate por favor .work more. have a drink evening dinner meds. on and on till midnight.
  22. I had and am having questionable mood swings and they seem to getting very extreme. Its looking like bipolar semi rapid cycle .In wondering if its the abilify. Actually i have not experienced an increase of anxiety with abilify however being on abilify for 8 years on and off....and trying to get off it eventually ...............That is when i get the real bad anxiety and scarey fluxes in pulse rate and heart rhythm. This is typical of abilify withdrawal. I recently went back on abilify while in a protracted major anxiety attack. I found it flattened the anxiety allot. Just my experience. Yeaqh but the mood swings in questioning and last night I did hear some low grade voices. Im wonder what is ahppening with the abilify. I will talk to my psych dr tomorrow about all.
  23. Its morning and I took more klonazapam than usual dose to ensure a good sleep. I woke up this morning feeling conciderably better. I do hope this improvment continues through out the day. get sick so fast and well so fst .Its at the moment a mystery to me. but thank God i am feeling an improvment from last nights horrifying episode. Thanks for the help LaurynJcat.
  24. prozac,paxil,zoloft,celexa,abilify ,serzone,zyprexa,effexor,rimeron,seroquel,wellbutrum,plus allot of there meds for anxety and adhd.
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