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Everything posted by ink8290

  1. I rang life line this morning and had a talk. The woman looked up a group that meets 3 times a week for support of some kind. I will try to go on Tuesday as they are open from 11.30 am to 6.30 pm. I will try and talk to someone there. It could hep with the isolation I am swallowed up in currently. I am still taking the Lexapro at 10 mgs a day and having really bad problems with my tummy and flatulence. That for me is a social problem and I will need to talk to my doctor tomorrow about it. Im worried she will not understand and write this problem off as something minor. Its not something minor to your recovery if you can not be around people with out this problem. I am hoping/wondering if it will go away in time and if so how long. Its really embarrassing and socially disabling. Today I had a good start and fell apart again and managed to pick myself up again. I am going to try and go shopping later for food although the more isolated I get the harder it is getting to face people even in stores .Im becoming very house bound and have to really work hard on getting out . Thanks for listening.
  2. I am in an extraordinary situation . I am stuck in an isolated country town and only have a cell phone that is running out of time. I have no land line or even stable internet connection. I have a wireless dongle that I charge up when it runs out and is very expensive. Yes my situation is quiet serious and I will try and call the government sponsored crisis line today and see if I can get them to call me back. My thoughts of suicide have subsided but I did have these thoughts and I made plans for them. I know this is a very serious matter and I am very afraid for myself. I am frightened to leave the house and I am frightened at what I can do to myself as I have attempted suicide once before 8 years ago. I will keep posting and try my best today to live .Yes this is quiet serious and I do not take my condition lightly. I see my doctor on Monday and I will talk to her .Thanks for your response.
  3. My depression over the past several weeks has got very very bad. I am crying allot of the time .I am having panic attacks .I can get out of the apartment . I have been thinking of suicide but will not let myself entertain such thoughts. I am frightening myself. I can see little point of going on in life. Things have gotten really bad. I have been started on a medication by my doctor called lexepro but I know it takes time to work. I seem to be having tummy troubles because of it .Its making me feel ill and bloated at the moment. I will talk to my doctor on Monday about it. I dare not stop taking it because if I do I will go really down. Depression symptoms seem to smothering me like a heavy blanket. They close in around me and I can hardly move my body. My partner of 17 years died a year ago and as time is going by im feeling im not getting over it . The grief seems to be getting worse. I am moving from one country to another and have become stranded in a country town where there are few people .I spend all my time alone and I am loosing any social confidence I once had very fast. People are scaring me and all I can feel when I talk to someone is shame and distress and I start to cry. This is getting very bad and I need help. I know I need help now after last night my thoughts went into a very frightening place with the suicide thoughts. I am also having trouble sleeping and feel like laying down all day in a dark room and staring at the wall.I feel like I am having trouble moving my body and I don't know what to do except take the medication and talk to my doctor on Monday.
  4. I have been depressed all my life .I remember as a child being depressed. Im sorry you lost your job. Im unsure what sort of employment would be good for people like us ,like some days we are fine and other days its just the pits. I know what you mean.
  5. Im moving countries and im finding that i have adopted to the gender situation around me. But now im moving countries the social framework for someone like me is going to change again.im transgendered m to f so its going to be difficult. i have been living in mexico for 10 years and now im going back to australia. Its going to be a big change. I am unsure of how people are going to socially receive me there .Better than when i lift i hope.I was recently "outed "here as a transgender and for the most part im very discrete. However i confided in another trans spectrum person and they just told everyone. oh it was really terrible. Because no one knew...or they may have suspected but had no evidence. But the short of it all was it was really embarrassing and hurtful. Anyway after all that and my partner dying. i kept inventing stories of why i should stay in Mexico.It really just got out of reality why i should stay. Things can get comfortable though than something happens and its like everything's upset again. I feel honestly my life is so fragile sometimes. So going back to Australia is a big step for me and i do not know what to expect.....i might post more about it as i need because im going to need it. Im a Si case also i sure hope i don't relapse...thats all i need.....my main problem is chronic Ocd and Adhd and Severe depression which blows out into Si..its like an empty depression. The Si seems to help it...but as we know not for very long with permanent consequences. And i have a Ritalin addiction...its prescribed but its not enough .....im just struggling to keep stable enough to carry out decisions...and my abilifyis up to 15 mgs....dont nor cant afford it....and im getting Tardive dyskinesia from the 8 years i been on abilify....so all in all i got some work to do. Yeah i guess i have to remember to take it a step at a time. But once i get into that taxi to the airport EVERYTHING is going to change. So i call this thread trans whatever blues. any one is welcome to relate or something.
  6. yes PSTD is a dam thing. So often we have such a bad time .I do wish you the very best of luck with it all.
  7. Sunny really a beautiful day. No wind . Just beautiful.
  8. in control..of a kinda crash landing
  9. Adrenaline starting to pump. Ramping up for international travel.
  10. look its like every professional is different. I go to a psychiatrist who is a practicing Gp also. Mostly he just keeps my meds stable and helps me establish my plans. He keeps out of my way as far as counseling but he has said at times he will act if i get too far out there. Yeah that being said i have so many years of therapy i know what im doing. I just really need someone to give me my meds and let me get on with what i have to do. I think it all depends on what stage you at in your healing and most particularly if your in crisis or not.
  11. Today is yet to happen..however so far i have. had coffee meds meditated and prayed some juice . Its setting up real nice.
  12. up set and kinda p***** at people.
  13. My goal this week is to organize air fairs for me and do my leaving country papers.
  14. Achtually......... performing well professionally.
  15. I had a good meditation and talk to God...... Thats important to me
  16. Today is ahead of me but so far. Got up took meds had coffee meditated had some oatmeal.
  17. I live guava juice with a dash of tequila. However that being stated that cup of italian style coffee in the morning is magnificent. Hard to decide what i like best.
  18. Proud of myself for the way i am managing my illness.
  19. Abilify is a weird drug and in my experience i think there are allot of unknowns about this drug. Like it is not uncommon for on uptake for people to see or perceive more accurately spirits (this i have heard several times although its not on official side effect list) some times for me i think abilify has made my psychosis more active. i stop short of saying it made matters worse because it did not really. I see spirits anyway and its not a problem to me really althought it was one time many years ago. Abilify sort of reminds me of Rimeron. Rimeron can precipitate fantastic psychedelic dreams. Some people seem to really like this side effect while others seem to dislike it. I think thats one of the ways it works. But this thread is not about Rimeron. "How long should I wait until I assume the increase has taken full effect?" i find Abilify works very fast for me and my psych dr tells me to up the dose if im having a bad day. Today i upped my dose to 15 mgs from 7.5 but only for today as i had a very bad night last night. However be in no illusion that 5mgs of abilify is NOT a "baby" dose . Abilify is a very strong medication and the top dose for full blown schizophrenia is 30 mgs. That being stated along with the controversy regarding Abilify and its side effects ,abilify is an achievement in chemical engineering in the fact it had few side effects like the older anti psychotics did and also acts as an a Ad and can also be used as a adjunct to Ad meds. However that being stated be aware that Abilify can cause Tardive dyskinesia. I have a tiny amount of this problem and I am aware that im going to have to stop abilify in about a year ,unless i will get more damage. Maybe change my meds to using a lower dose of Abilify and adjunct to some Ad. But thats in the future. yeah Abilify...actually i would say for me its both a blessing and a curse. However the blessing out weighs the curse. Also remember that abilify is considered a serious drug ,it is a "b lack box" medication and concidered by some as "last ditch" medication when others have failed. I do think your idea of tweeking your effexor is a good one ....much safer....good luck.
  20. I was once a Jehovahs witness and i and i had ( and still do) have a big interest in Jesus. When i was 19 however i heard (So i thought) through symbolism around me that God was talking to me. Hence God described that it was destiny to marry a woman who was my brothers girlfriend. I had a vision under a low shrubby bush and thought she was impregnated with my child. So hence I seduced his girlfriend to marry her and be the queen of a kingdom that would save the world. That sounds like schizophrenia....i know. As a result of my action my brother took a 22 caliber rifle and killed himself. I still think im guilty and going come some bad end...all the time. My Ocd is really spooky but i do not think that what I have described above is ocd ,its psychosis. To be quiet honest I believe i get ill regularly with psychosis.I also have chronic hypochondria /ocd ..that leads to bead depression....and i engage in hand washing and face washing till my skin comes off. There is a class of medication that helps it. Which i take as directed. Yeah but Ocd is just horrible .........as i said in another post on another thread it pushes me towards Si...I am only 13 days clear of Si. So its pretty bad ay...and although im 60 now the events of my brothers suicide still effect me.I never talked to my health professionals about my psychosis's..i really think i should. I has only been in the past months that i admitted to my self that i get psychotic and may have schizophrenia. For me OCD is part of my schizophrenia .....i have hurt so many people with my illness...im really sad about that.
  21. I have health/anxiety Ocd and a low grade psychosis.The two are tied together..... my psychosis can escalate at times of stress ..my ocd can escalate at times of stress. The outcome of the health anxiety is things like washing checking and a kind of Paranoia of people. I would go as far as to say my ocd when it was at its worst crippled my life. I could not touch anythin h without thinking i was getting full blown aids from things like door knobs and and i would constantly be rinsing my eyes and mouth with eye drops and mouth wash. Yeah i was just going to write a couple of lines but this got me going. When my Ocd was real bad my life was just wretched.I currently having a relapse of my ocd. Its really terrible ...its been going this time for 5 maybe 6 months. But this time its like i think i have a disease this time cancer. Although there is not physical evidence for it....really disappointing ...also its driving in the direction of Si...i relapsed some 13 days ago and feel like relapsing now to be honest. Ocd is just dreadful ,its a real prison i wish to escape from.
  22. actually i heard of this being tried before round 20 years ago i think.....don't know what the outcome was....but this is not new and has been going for some time ....but what is new is the understanding of the brain and how its responding and the thoroughness of the testing results......i been at the point with my OCD at times where i would do anything........ interesting.
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