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GroovyChick

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  1. I am stuck in a continuous state of grief. I've been here for the last six years since my sister passed away from multiple myeloma in May of 2015. She always seemed to be the most level-headed of the three of us and I would be guaranteed pragmatic solutions anytime I went to her with any problems I was having. As our mother's mental health declined, she took the reins of mom's personal and financial affairs that included landlord duties of the apartments in our family's multi family home where we all lived at one time or another with and without our exes (and where mom still resides with her live in aide today). Mom is 97 now and I have done my best carrying on with the job I inherited. My brother doesn't want to be involved for reasons I won't go into here so I am 'it'. I have a full-time job so thankfully, my visits to mom's are limited to two days a week because I absolutely dread going there. Not because I don't want to see my mother but because the ghosts of the past are there. When I enter the border of the town, I immediately feel my heart sink and it gets worse when I pull in the driveway. I 'see' my sister sitting at the table with her spouse when she lived in what is now my mother's apartment. If I go downstairs, I am taken back to the '80s when I lived there with my ex. We would sometimes all play a game of Scrabble with the other tenants that lived there, laughing and having fun. I see myself as a kid on a warm summer day standing on the narrow sideboards of my dad's VW beetle while tightly gripping the roof through the open window as he slowly drove down the driveway and hearing 'Something' by the Beatles playing on the radio. The list goes on and on. Every memory feels like a dagger penetrating my soul. Today, the house to me is just an empty shell of what once was. I can't stand it. Once mom goes, I have to sell the house since it will be unbearable at that point. Of course, the town isn't the same either. I don't think there are many-if any-of the families I knew still living there. I only see unfamiliar faces as I drive to the one and only supermarket-the place where we all used to shop. I feel like a stranger. I am feeling completely alone even though I have a spouse and an adult child. I keep it all in because I don't want to sound needy and because I don't really have anyone to talk with about it-at least not anyone who can understand. What does one do with all this pain? People deal with loss and change all the time, don't they? Is this the way everyone feels or is it just me?
  2. Thank you guys! I appreciate the support. @Atra I like what you said about uncertainty: "...means I don't know - not, I do know and it'll be bad"... I should try to look at it that way instead. I hope you both are staying well.
  3. I suppose many of us are in the same boat right now but I feel like I'm alone. Meanwhile, I feel like my soul is on a cheese grater. It's constantly going over and over the sharp holes back and forth but the pain that used to be excruciating has now turned into a dull ache thats ever present in the background. I can't shake it. I've struggled with depression all of my life but never like this. There is so much chaos, confusion and now, it seems like there's nothing to look forward to. I don't know that we'll ever get through this. I really don't think this was an accident at all! Truthfully, I believe it's something our own government did because for a diabolical political agenda. There is so much hate directed at the president and I don't understand why. The media paints him out to be a monster but I think he's doing the best he can under the circumstances. I want to say to all the people that hate him: "if you can do a better job, then go ahead!". If everyone's anger and hate (in general, not just at the prez) could be put aside, I think the pain would go away for me but with the way things are, I don't think I can survive! I'm always in fear that we're going to lose our country and our freedom soon. I have a job so I can be thankful for that i guess. I'm also trying to deal with my elderly mother and her finances in my "spare" time. My husband's depressed because his hours got cut back and he always seems to come home bitter and angry at the things that are going on at his job. My 19 y.o. son -who has a PDD-NOS dx- is addicted to video games and stays sequestered in his room all day screaming because he can't get the character to do what he wants so he loses a level and he goes nuts. My 70 y.o. brother was just diagnosed with prostate cancer and may have been infected with COVID. I lost my sister to cancer 5 years ago and don't think I could deal with losing another sibling. On top of all that, I'm trying to recover from PTSD after my husband had a 2 year affair with some "friend". That's over but the aftershocks still come for me. There has to be a light somewhere but I can't find it. Everything is painted black for me and I can't see my way out of it. I wish I could die. It would end all this pain but then again, no one knows what's on the other side. We either know nothing when we die or, maybe it's worse. Maybe suicide puts you in hell because it's a sin. It's getting late and I need to get in the shower, take my meds and go to bed now. Maybe I'll dream and it will be a pleasant one. Good night all. I hope you stay well.
  4. Really sick of this snow. Yeah, I know, come July I'll be complaining about the heat...never satisfied. Oh well! My spirits have been lifted because I FINALLY got a job! Actually got that news yesterday. I may start Monday or the following week. I have the jitters already. Today-after much procrastination-I cleaned my bathroom (including the disgusting muck from the shower drain, ewww!) and dug out the firewood for our stove from underneath the 6" deep blanket of snow. Feel tired, like I went to the gym but it's a good tired. Now, I'm off to sit with my hubby & son to eat dinner & watch Dr. Phil. Wishing everyone a pleasant evening and a better day for us all tomorrow!
  5. Hi Richy, Generic questions but worth asking: May I ask if you're on any meds? Do u have a therapist, counselor or, family member you could speak with? These may help you get thru this. I personally found that just being here on the forums are helpful. However, if you are in crisis, you should call your doctor immediately. How to pull yourself out? That's not easy to do when you have this illness. Another thing that works for me is when I lose myself in a funny movie or some music that I like. It's temporary at best but until you get your chemicals balanced, it helps for the moment. That's what our life is, isn't it? A series of moments. Hang in there!
  6. Flasquish, No, I guess it doesn't work for me for some reason. I'm running Windows 8 maybe that has something to do with it. Thx anyway!
  7. Yay! I made it & didn't even cry once! Hope everyone else did, too!
  8. Thank you all for sharing. Thanks Flasquish! If my typing stinks its my keyboard. I accidentally spilled champ&agne on it the other night (yes, I occasionally imbibe even while on meds!). Now it's all sticky&I have to take it apart. BTW, how do you use the quote feature? I press the quote button under the post I want to quote but nothing happens. Am I doing it correctly? Thx!
  9. "....Tell me why...I don't like Mondays...Tell me why...I don't like Mondays...Tell me why...I don't like Mondays...I wanna sho-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot the whole day down..." Anyone else out there have Sunday night anxiety? Working or not, I've always dreaded the beginning of the week. I think for me it's because I have to face my insecurities and brave the cold, hard reality of this world by myself. No one can have a cheering squad with them 24/7 but I panic a little bit when I know mine won't be there with me. Confidence has always eluded me.
  10. Denman, I found this website. Maybe it will help you find one: www.meetup.com.
  11. Richy, I'm sorry to hear that. Did you ask her why? That sounds fishy. I know how it feels to be terminated. It sucks. If you were feeling that way about working there then it was obviously not the place for you. Keep on looking; you will find something better.
  12. Congrats on the weight loss! Those small accomplishments do help. Baby steps.
  13. I can't figure out how this quote thing works! Hey Wonderwoman (great name)! Getting out of bed in the morning, hmmm...! It's certainly is a tough thing to do sometimes. I have to get up and drive my son to school so that's my motivation. A couple of days this week were REALLY hard -especially because it was so cold out- so when I got back home from dropping him off, I crawled back into bed with the dog and slept for a few more hours. Exercise does help elevate my mood if I can push myself to get to the gym. I feel so nasty if I don't shower. I too am on Wellbutrin amongst 3 other meds-that include Concerta for my ADD. They do seem to help for a little while until they wear off. If you've ever seen that Robin Williams movie Awakenings from the '90s, that's me! Once I get my 'dopamine', I'm up dancing like those old folks and then after a few hours I fall back into my slump. I think it's also important to have a good support system and I hope the family members you speak of can be there for you. Maybe you could have one of them call you up in the morning to help motivate you? Do you have a pet? Sometimes they can be therapeutic. I have found my dog to be so comforting to me during my darkest moments which are usually when my family isn't around. Plus, she has to go out and do her business so that's another reason why I have to get up.
  14. InFlames, I'm trying to quote you but not sure if I'm doing it correctly. Anyway, I wanted you to know that I'm relieved to hear you're not acting on anything. I thought both you and Wonderwoman, might be interested in reading about the therapy described on this website: http://neurostar.com. My doctor performs the treatment, in fact he was demo-ing it on the Dr. Oz show a couple of years ago. It's used primarily for those who do not respond to antidepressant meds. Hang in there. Signing off.
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