salparadise6132

Thank you everyone!!! So, so much. I am sorry I put you through any worry - though I am touched. I took an overdose last Friday morning. Fortunately, the only think I had in my cupboard was a bottle of expired "statins," which my doctor said would not do the trick. I have been in the mental ward without phone for the past six days. They set me free this morning. I am feeling much better. I have a plan. They helped me so much, the doctors, nurses, social workers, therapists and most especially, the other folks in with me. I love you all!!!!!! And I'm glad to be back.

I'm getting dizzy. Maybe the pills I took will do what they were intended to do. If so, I will be grateful - dead, but grateful all the same. I've been up for 48 hours. I am tired now. I hope I don't wake up. Truth is, everyone, especially my "friends" are out to undermine me. All the loves of my life abandoned me. Full stop. I'm too weak for this world., Wish me luck - (i.e. that I don't wake up). It sounds awful, but, hell they put lame horses down. Why not me?

Love you, sober. Thanks me dear!!!

I am on hold on the Suicide hotline, listening to really lousy music that makes me want to end in sooner. This sucks.

I have no hope. Please, please, I beg you god, don't allow me to wake up tomorrow!!!

I wonder if anyone here knows the most efficient and painless way to **** themselves. I just want to be gone! I want to be out of here! Ciao, Sayonara and see you on the dark side of the moon. I think I'll empty my drug cabinet and see what transpires. A great friend of mine, a guy who got divorced at the same time as me, a guy I have confided in a shared with, our kids got together every weekend after we both had our splits, this was ten years ago, went and introduced a rich guy friend of his to my ex-wife. My friend, being friends with the rich asswipe, is now hanging with my ex quite a lot. I was OK with this, sort of, trying to be mature about it, etc. But my pension company f'd up and neglected to take my ex's slice of my hide off me for the first two months of payment and now I am told that my pension is not what I was getting (it will be substantially less!) and that she was not being paid and now, after two months of believing I was going to be at least relatively comfortable, money-wise, I am now aware that I am now check to check and continuing to live in this basement appt. while she has a house and dates a rich MFer and my friend treats her as a BFF. Thanks pal, for the support! This truly confirms to me that the entire world, starting with my parents, the ****ing *****, is out to get me. We'll **** you world. I am off!!!!

I care!!! I care big time. I Love your photos, your talent, and most of all, your resilience. I love your relationship with Spot (that is such a dog name that it always makes me laugh - I know he has some dog in him!!!) and I love how you have embraced us and kept on keeping on!!! I admire how you deal with your health conditions!!! I always look for your updates on what is happening down in the semi tropics of FLA. You inspire me, Mark!!! You really do, though you may not believe it. Believe it, my friend!!!

Hugs, Dev!!!!

After two days without booze I had suck into a deep state of self-loathing, hopelesness and depression. I had to will myself to move both my lungs and my limbs. Now, tonight, 5 drinks in, I am happy as those three raccoons who found the pork chop bones and discarded cat food (my diva girls refused to eat it!) in my garbage last night. I know it's not healthy to rely on this. I know I will pay tomorrow. But crap, life is untenable without it.

My god, what a horrible experiment. I know it's in the spirit of learning valuable information about us, but the truth is those rats didn't deserve that, and neither do we!!!

Such a cold world, this is.

I go to sleep every night hoping that there is a sniper in the tree outside my window who can do the job I can't do ( because I can't do that to my children ) quickly and efficiently. Most unfortunately, there is never a sniper. So I continue to smoke and drink in hopes they do me in. I am on earth to be abandoned. That is my purpose. Maybe I should just embrace it?

It's all OK, Riv. In reality, no human knows sh**. We are not Gods. We are not in control. But it's all good. What we can do is accept where we are and adapt to both what uplifts us and also what hurts us. And you are showing that you have learned to do just that!!!

Hugs to you all!!!, especially those of you who are hurting, lonely, missing someone and such. I'm with you on all that, though I am missing something I have never had - a feeling of belonging. Take care and be kind to yourselves!!!

Not as anxious this morning. Only an 7 on the Twitchter Scale. I'll take it!

Tired and lonely. Dumped again, by my "friend." She is toxic. I must not go back to her when she calls again, which she will.

Sounds to me like you did the right thing, JD!!!! Sorry you feel you're sinking. Here's one of those orange rings they have on beaches for you to hand on to (). OK, so I'm not the master of emojis LOL! But hang on nonetheless. You approached it properly!!!

Hugs, my friend!!! None of this is true, but it is how you feel. I get that!

I love you iWantRope!!!

Yes! That exactly!!!!

No, it's not easy, my friend, is it? But, we try. Your post is very wise. You are developing a good insight as to what you need, and what your limitations are. I really like the insight in this post!! Like you seem to be implying, I too need a certain amount of IRL connection with humans each day. It bothers me that I need it. I can't even understand it, as people mostly exhaust and/or bore me. And yet, I need them to pull me out of it. Odd thing, that! I think perhaps, at least for me, a designated visitor, someone to pop by for 30 minutes each day, sort of like the volunteers for seniors do, would be a Godsend. I may start up a non-profit - designated visitor site. Totally free. We come in, and sit with you for a brief visit. I know it would help me, and being the visitor dude would help me too. Hmm????

My two cats are rubbing their chins and wets noses against my arm, and occasionally licking me (when they want to - you know, they are cats LOL), to say I'm their kin and that they accept and appreciate me. I'm not sure what could be better than that, especially when I know these two girls are rescues from under an overpass on HWY 401.

An awful day. A young man at the store I work at is dead. Our managers broke the news and as soon as I heard it, I knew how it happened. I saw the pain he was in when I first met him. He was only 19. A sweet, sweet lad who adopted a very formal buttoned-down style as a defense, a defense to protect himself from others, due to what I believe (but I may be wrong) was his Asperger's. You could feel his loneliness. You could feel what a confounding puzzle it was for him to deal with people and feel any kind of connection. Poor soul. I am glad he is at least at peace. But I wish he knew how devastated we, at the store, were today, and I wish he had heard all the stories about him. The people there loved him. But, he probably wouldn't have believed it even if he had heard. Such is the disease. Problem is, sometimes you have to die for the love and those to surface. Too bad, that. So, since you're all still here, I love you all!!

So much wisdom in this post!!! Thanks DG!

Been there. Got the T-shirt they placed over my bleeding whip welts! In my experience, there is now nothing you can do to appease an ingrate like your boss. He's likely an egotistical, small little man who hates himself, and picking on you is his one and only pleasure in life. Sorry to be so blunt, JD. But there it is. You do not deserve this! Brian