salparadise6132

Thank you everyone!!! So, so much. I am sorry I put you through any worry - though I am touched. I took an overdose last Friday morning. Fortunately, the only think I had in my cupboard was a bottle of expired "statins," which my doctor said would not do the trick. I have been in the mental ward without phone for the past six days. They set me free this morning. I am feeling much better. I have a plan. They helped me so much, the doctors, nurses, social workers, therapists and most especially, the other folks in with me. I love you all!!!!!! And I'm glad to be back.

I'm getting dizzy. Maybe the pills I took will do what they were intended to do. If so, I will be grateful - dead, but grateful all the same. I've been up for 48 hours. I am tired now. I hope I don't wake up. Truth is, everyone, especially my "friends" are out to undermine me. All the loves of my life abandoned me. Full stop. I'm too weak for this world., Wish me luck - (i.e. that I don't wake up). It sounds awful, but, hell they put lame horses down. Why not me?

Love you, sober. Thanks me dear!!!

I am on hold on the Suicide hotline, listening to really lousy music that makes me want to end in sooner. This sucks.

I have no hope. Please, please, I beg you god, don't allow me to wake up tomorrow!!!

I wonder if anyone here knows the most efficient and painless way to **** themselves. I just want to be gone! I want to be out of here! Ciao, Sayonara and see you on the dark side of the moon. I think I'll empty my drug cabinet and see what transpires. A great friend of mine, a guy who got divorced at the same time as me, a guy I have confided in a shared with, our kids got together every weekend after we both had our splits, this was ten years ago, went and introduced a rich guy friend of his to my ex-wife. My friend, being friends with the rich asswipe, is now hanging with my ex quite a lot. I was OK with this, sort of, trying to be mature about it, etc. But my pension company f'd up and neglected to take my ex's slice of my hide off me for the first two months of payment and now I am told that my pension is not what I was getting (it will be substantially less!) and that she was not being paid and now, after two months of believing I was going to be at least relatively comfortable, money-wise, I am now aware that I am now check to check and continuing to live in this basement appt. while she has a house and dates a rich MFer and my friend treats her as a BFF. Thanks pal, for the support! This truly confirms to me that the entire world, starting with my parents, the ****ing *****, is out to get me. We'll **** you world. I am off!!!!

I care!!! I care big time. I Love your photos, your talent, and most of all, your resilience. I love your relationship with Spot (that is such a dog name that it always makes me laugh - I know he has some dog in him!!!) and I love how you have embraced us and kept on keeping on!!! I admire how you deal with your health conditions!!! I always look for your updates on what is happening down in the semi tropics of FLA. You inspire me, Mark!!! You really do, though you may not believe it. Believe it, my friend!!!

Hugs, Dev!!!!

After two days without booze I had suck into a deep state of self-loathing, hopelesness and depression. I had to will myself to move both my lungs and my limbs. Now, tonight, 5 drinks in, I am happy as those three raccoons who found the pork chop bones and discarded cat food (my diva girls refused to eat it!) in my garbage last night. I know it's not healthy to rely on this. I know I will pay tomorrow. But crap, life is untenable without it.

My god, what a horrible experiment. I know it's in the spirit of learning valuable information about us, but the truth is those rats didn't deserve that, and neither do we!!!

Such a cold world, this is.

I go to sleep every night hoping that there is a sniper in the tree outside my window who can do the job I can't do ( because I can't do that to my children ) quickly and efficiently. Most unfortunately, there is never a sniper. So I continue to smoke and drink in hopes they do me in. I am on earth to be abandoned. That is my purpose. Maybe I should just embrace it?

It's all OK, Riv. In reality, no human knows sh**. We are not Gods. We are not in control. But it's all good. What we can do is accept where we are and adapt to both what uplifts us and also what hurts us. And you are showing that you have learned to do just that!!!

Hugs to you all!!!, especially those of you who are hurting, lonely, missing someone and such. I'm with you on all that, though I am missing something I have never had - a feeling of belonging. Take care and be kind to yourselves!!!