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Lucerne

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About Lucerne

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  1. I just wrote a really really long essay about my whole messy situation then erased it, there's no point in going on and on. Basically I'm in my second year of college. I can go down a few avenues. I can go to university and go into higher engineering (I'm in the low end spectrum), I can stay at my current college and ask to possibly go on a similar course, I can go into a different branch of building services, I can leave and go into an apprenticeship... That's pretty much it. I hate the course, I've never liked it much. Some aspects aren't too bad, others are dreadful. Last year I spend nearly every week the night before classes crying due to the stress, or simply vomiting and having panic attacks. This year is just as bad in its own way, except now I'm more used to the stress so I basically just get depressed and dread the days. I know deep down that I am doing what is right, and that there are certain avenues I can go down via the qualification I will have next year that I'm not too unhappy about, but damn if I don't hate the course. The students are okay mostly, the teachers are really nice, and the college itself is pretty okay... I just hate the physical work and the academic work (sounds silly, I know). I am not academically clever and learning very long formulas is hard for me to do. I've had a lot of issues in therapy, as the time where I have to move on draws near I get more and more angry. I am almost 18 and I am thrown out of child services, I will never see my psychologist again or see the receptionists or be under their care ever again. I'm expected to just be okay. I feel very angry, explosively so, and admittedly that anger has gotten too much recently during sessions. I was raised to be very polite, I don't raise my voice, swear or do anything of that nature. Yet in sessions I've swore and said some nasty things to the psychologist (I've either apologised directly then or phoned later), I've self harmed directly in front of him and I've got up and walked out. I left because I knew I was getting into a state where I'd react. I'm struggling a lot at the process of being dumped. I feel rejected, I feel upset that I care, I feel angry that I'm the only one who cares and I'm having to go through this in a couple months with no real alternative. I feel angry that I have nobody and I'm stuck with a doctor, I'm upset and very angry over how he's all I have and I'm losing somebody who does not return any of those feelings. Sometimes I just want to run away, cancel our sessions, change my number, forget he ever existed. Other times I know if I do this it will just repeat later in life, and that leaving situations that cause pain will just become my go to response in the future if I start now. I'm stuck feeling so conflicted I sometimes just want to rip my hair out. My future looks a mess, and added that I'm turning 18 and being left to deal with it all alone is even harder. I feel so alone and worthless, I have nothing. I'm going through all this suffering and pain for a piece of paper with my diploma on it, for a future I don't even want to live in. I'm about to become an official adult and there's nothing good waiting for me, it's all gone to hell. I'm sick of existing.
  2. I went through the whole abandonment hell as a kid, mother abandoned me, father died, mother abandoned me again, relative who took me in basically was of the opinion no hugging, no saying i love you, no talking to one another, etc. I worked with a lot of different people from 11 years +. Charity workers, Counselors, therapists, mental health nurses, etc. Many had a very negative impact on me, a lot of the advice given to me was very bland and generic, a couple kept thinking I was lying and trying to catch me out, others judged me based on what I said, and others left pretty quickly after 8 weeks since we had "completed" therapy. I got sick of it and stopped trying for several months, but eventually I hit 16 and thought I would be out of the child system and into the adult one, so I went to a GP asking for medication. I was told I had to see a child psychiatrist to be given medication so I agreed to go along. The first person I saw was a psychiatrist. I had him for almost a year, we've only got a couple sessions left until we end. At first I didn't want it to end, and I became attached, but I managed to get on with it and ended up feeling okay to end it. I was referred to a psychologist who was my caseworker (and I had only met a handful of times) over self destructive habits, and I admitted to having an issue with former memories. He offered to do EMDR therapy with me and I've been seeing him for a few months now, and I feel a lot better. He's referred me to a dietitian over my restricted eating habits. Referred me back to my GP several times over dangerous things I've done to myself. He took me to a supermarket and educated me on all the foods, he's offered to send me to a number of different services to get more help for certain things (crisis places basically). He encouraged me to get angry, going as far as to try and get me to throw water on him when I got angry, and encouraged me to cry if I wanted to. He phoned my college a couple days ago after I had a panic attack and failed an exam, explaining I wasn't acting up but that I had a number of problems relating to groups of people. I phoned the office up and he phoned back whilst I was in college and kept me on the phone for 20 minutes talking to me and getting me to calm down, offering to see me that very day. I mentioned it was my fathers anniversary in a few days, he offered to take me to a gallery or a coffee shop or do something I wanted to do, whatever it was. He speaks about how he does care about me and his other patients, showing me all the stuff his former patients gave him which are littered around the room on show, he remembers all their stories and everything about the people who gave him the toys. He seemed a little offended when I implied he didn't care about me, even jokingly saying he thinks of me even on weekends, and that he truly does care about all his patients. Yet I know I can't see him once March begins next year because I'll turn 18. He's said so himself, there is no way we can see each other again. He said he'd try to find somebody to take over but it's very hard around here, I don't think it's possible. I feel a complete mess because I found somebody after years of this who actually listened to me, treated me like I was a normal human being and believed me. He says we have a lot of time left, it doesn't feel that long to me. I feel angry, very angry and I know I'm projecting it onto him. I've not said anything but he can tell I get angry when he says how he thinks of me or says that he cares. He asks why I get angry and why I feel like that and I just say it's fine, eventually he drops it when he sees I'm getting angrier and more scared. I feel so ashamed at how bad my reaction is. I've never felt so much self loathing and hatred for somebody else who didn't deserve it. It hurts more to think that he actually does care than imagining he's just some psychologist who's in it for the money, at least then I can comfort myself by saying that I'm glad it's finished. I can't do the "I'm glad I experienced it" route, this is too painful knowing it will end soon. I'm lost again, on my own again, I have nothing and nobody and I have to accept over and over that people jump into my life and then right back out. I don't want to be angry and I don't want to feel infuriated, terrified and betrayed, because that is nobody's fault and has nothing to do with him. Even with the psychiatrist I had, I never connected with him to quite this level, my psychologist is far more responsive and human. I just feel really depressed. Each week drags on and I get more panicked knowing my 18th birthday is getting closer. I have no idea how to find a way to manage this.
  3. I lost people and had some slightly difficult things transpire in my early childhood, it left me with a lot of trust issues and a fear of being abandoned. Therapy has helped as well as acknowledging I hated having nothing and nobody in my life. I met a girl at college and within the last 2 weeks we literally got very close. We texted every day, we went out together, she even went to therapy with me and waited for over an hour. She took an interest in my mood, in my thoughts and feelings and accepted me for all my strange quirks and behaviours. I hugged her, I held her hand, stroked her hair. I let her get into bed with me, I let her sit beside me, I held her in bed and let her rest her head on my chest. I kissed her. A new form of therapy began 3 weeks ago over a bad experience I had years ago and it (the therapy) changed how I viewed things. I was willing to do anything to conquer my fear because I acknowledged I was limiting my life. But later on that day when all this physical comforting happened she said she wasn't ready to date, she was too scared. She seemed to feel guilty and wanted to leave the house and she wants some space. I have no issues with what she said, I would much rather her be honest than the alternative. It just hurt that I did all this stuff with somebody and a couple hours later, even whilst lying beside me she said she wasn't ready. I wish that she'd have brought it up earlier, we'd been talking about taking it slow for a few days and she said she was okay and even happy about it repeatedly. Maybe she only really realised afterwards she wasn't ready, I'm not sure. Either way, she did what I wanted her to do, always be honest and voice her feelings. I feel very lost and I have no idea why. I can't really understand why I'm so upset, it's not necessarily the rejection but more about being so close to somebody, physically and emotionally, and how quickly it went from good to bad. I even feel angry, not at her but at the fact I let it get so serious in literally 2 weeks of being friends, that is not something I would ever do. I'm trying to see the positives in my experience, that therapy has obviously helped me conquer my fear of being touched and my fear of abandonment and rejection since I was willing to put myself out there, instigate things and open up to somebody. I just wish I hadn't gone as far as I did, I wish I hadn't let her into my room and into my bed, that place is my only sanctuary and I feel really uncomfortable about it. I'm not really sure if this is the best place for this. I'm not really sure how to cope with this, despite everything it has triggered my depression and anxiety and I have been in a terrible mood. I remember being abandoned, losing people to death, being assaulted, being treated terribly and this despite it obviously not being the same makes me feel in a similar way.
  4. I had a unpleasant experience in my early teens that left me with anxiety over being touched, especially so on the lower back or near the shoulders. I had flashbacks and nightmares so often that I completely removed all potential triggers in my life. Certain things were a bit out of my control, I couldn't help flinching when somebody went to touch my shoulder or back and I genuinely found sitting directly beside people very difficult. . It has been on my mind recently due to a new trigger. I've had issues sleeping and when I've managed to get a few hours I'm having quite bad nightmares. Meditation has proved to be extremely difficult due to the memories resurfacing in quite clear and disturbing ways. All in all trying to deal with this has been unpleasant and I've struggled. My psychologist suggested I may have PTSD if I'm having flashbacks and starting to remember everything really clearly. Today I had to go to hospital over a unrelated issue. The doctor had to examine me in places such as my bikini line, my neck, my shoulders and my lower back. I have never had a physical examination like this before and I have not let anybody touch my back. She seemed surprised that I was so clueless on what she wanted to do. I was a wreck when she told me she had to touch my lower back. I was holding my t-shirt up a little and started hyperventilating. I have panic attacks every day so I'm used to hyperventilating but I really struggled with this. The memory resurfaced the way it always does except this time I was genuinely being touched which freaked me out further and further. By the time she got to my neck I my hands were shaking and I had tensed up, I was even whispering under my breath over and over again, I'm sure she thought I was insane. I'm not really somebody who cries much, especially in public. I wasn't raised to show my emotions like that. I'm sad to say that I left the that part of the hospital a wreck. By the time I got near my house I was starting to cry because I felt so terrible. The whole situation made me feel silly and I have no idea what to do.
  5. The abnormality is a high white blood cell count which they tested me for twice at my local dr surgery. I had a blood test 2 years ago when I was 15 and it said the same thing, though nothing became of it and I was diagnosed at the time with hypothyroidism (I am borderline now so I'll likely need to be placed on medication again in the next year or so). But this time the doctor was concerned. Anyways, I won't prattle on about it. I have a hospital appointment on the third of July at 9:15 in the morning. I have to see a blood specialist at a hospital about 5 miles away which I've never been to. Nothing was said on the letter I received except asking me to fill out information and saying my tests when I get there could take up to 2 hours. It has really terrified me. I have no idea what they want to do. I have had a phobia of needles ever since I was a kid but since I've had to have so many blood tests over the years I can manage it, but it still brings out a terrible nauseous feeling. Are they going to make me run on the spot, are they going to check my blood pressure (which is high at 140/99 typically), am I going to get more blood tests? What possible tests could take up to 2 hours, does that even apply to me? I read online the reasons this could be. It can be a sign for some really serious stuff. This isn't the best place to post this, I'm not asking for advice on the blood issue obviously, I'm asking advice on my anxiety over going to the hospital. I mentioned it to my grandfather who offered to go with me and I may take him up on that offer since nobody else will go with me. My guardian thinks I'm too old to have somebody go with me to hospital and I should basically grow up. It's playing on my mind what it could be. I assumed it was to do with the self injury wounds I've had in the past and what I have so far, but it doesn't seem that likely from what I've heard so far. I'm really scared about this. I have a terrible fear of doctors and hospitals and of being touched. I don't know if I'm going to be examined or if I'm going to be touched or looked at, it's bringing out a panic attack in me thinking about it. Just really scared at the moment.
  6. Firstly let me say that I'm a pretty naive and socially stunted individual. I didn't go to high school and went straight from a special needs unit to college. I'm a very introverted and private individual, I'd even describe myself as being a pretty insular person. In an attempt to force myself out of my social anxiety (What if I look weird? What if everybody laughs, what do I do??) I walked up to a boy I recognised from speaking to briefly months earlier and began talking to him. I controlled my breathing, kept a smile on my face, and behaved in a very charismatic and sweet way, and it wasn't so bad. We share similar interests and really got on. We didn't speak for long in college but we shared each others number and we've texted each other several times since we first properly met just 2 weeks ago. I got a message last night that basically read "Would you be mine? (I don't even understand that, I've never heard that phrase before, it sounds very strange and even a little juvenile) I can't stand being single again". Maybe I'm just immature, or naive, but my first thought when I saw that message was how insulting it was. Once I got past the "why would somebody ask me to date them because they don't want to be alone? Am I that devoid of any other redeeming trait" I started thinking about how I'm completely and utterly not ready for a relationship. Sounds very strange for me to write, but I don't want to enter a physical relationship, at all, I have no interest in it right now. The worst thing is, I have no idea where we both stand. I don't know what I am to him, an ego boost? A means to an end of his own loneliness? It's actually put me in a pretty bad mood, I was so convinced in myself that no person would want to date me, no person would be interested in me in that way, that it comes as a pretty horrible shock to suddenly have that illusion shattered, I've never had to deal with something like this before. And yeah, it kinda hurts that the first time I really get asked to be with somebody it's asked in such an insulting way. I dunno, I just don't see how I can put a positive spin on the last bit of his sentence. So it's put me in a bit of a funk, not only has it completely shattered my security net, it's made me feel pretty damn horrible. At the age of 17 I've not exactly had much experiences in life the way he as a 24 year old has. Eh, it sounds stupid but it's been bothering me all day. I don't want to have to deal with this, why on earth would I get a message like this after only 2 weeks of knowing one another? I don't even know what he wants from me, he barely knows me, how can you like somebody after just 2 weeks of texting? Why is it bothering me so much that he's put me in this situation, I'm actually angry at having to deal with something like this. I didn't think this would happen to me for at the very least several years. I know it's not a big issue but it's really bothering me.
  7. Of course, he put it in a gentler, politer way. But yeah, I was feeling better, kind of moving on from certain things that have happened in my past. Wasn't as bitter about this, wasn't as upset about that, felt much more settled about numerous issues regarding my past. That was it, that was the improvement, there has not been anything else changing, it's simply coming to terms with a few parts of my childhood. And yeah, he mentioned it to me about 2 thirds into our session. The strange thing about me (and I can't really work what if this is normal, or this is strange, or it's just me) once people, anybody at all that are even remotely close to, mention leaving permanently I go... Off. That includes those kind of people that hint at you that they're going to go away (they don't say this though, it's all very passive aggressive) because you've not paid enough attention to them. I think I picked it up from my mother, whenever I said anything that was against her at all, she lost the plot and basically told me to f off. I developed the same attitude, a little less feisty though. With me, I go very cold. I will never ever show these types of emotions to people, I will never let them see my pain, my suffering, even my anger. Anything that shows anything real, any emotion anybody can exploit? I won't show it, ever. It came from when my mother would say mean things, insulting me, waiting for my response, it was my response she wanted, my tears or my sadness. The one time she saw me react in anger she threatened to physically harm me should I even attempt to harm her, and it became ingrained into me to never react in any way. It's gotten to the point I just blankly smile and nod along, I cannot react in any other way if I care about the person. If I don't care about the person, then this reaction doesn't happen and I do react in anger. I feel pathetic at showing emotion and find it difficult to utter the words 'I need you' to anybody when it comes to emotional stuff. I won't cry or speak seriously about my feelings. I also lose any interest in the person, and I dislike them. I have no desire to see them ever again because I feel 'rejected' or 'abandoned' and I will never, ever tell them how I feel, because I am terrified of anybody getting close enough to see this. I liked my psychiatrist, I even had transference feelings for him, I looked forward to seeing him, it helped to have this session to look forward to, I convinced myself without realising that I had somebody that cared. Now I actually don't want to go. During the session I simply looked at him and never reacted, normally he reacts to my mood changes or my expressions but he didn't this time, probably because it was not noticable, but I stopped initiating conversation and didn't really look at him, carried on smiling after a few minutes. I feel repulsed by the idea of seeing him, terrified, it's almost become a phobia for me to see him now because the terror of it is down right horrible. The worst thing is I've been seeing him for several months so he's used to me, and he's worked with others so he's probably more aware at picking things up like this, so it's even more terrifying trying to hide behind this facade and act like everything is okay. It's not only that I'm terrified of expressing any emotion to him, I actively don't want to and simply wish therapy had ended there and then, even if it would have really messed me up for weeks afterwards, having to go through 'the end' sessions is even harder, it's prolonging the inevitable, it's making it harder for me to hide this emotion. It's strange really. Now that this has been brought to my attention, it's made me completely close up, I actively do not want to go at all, I do not want to ever see him again. Silly really, but I'm terrified of him seeing this terror, I am terrified of telling anybody. I knew therapy had to end soon, I even knew it would come up in the next few sessions, I just never expected it to feel like this, I actually feel hurt by it, it's so silly and I hate admitting I feel anything. The whole logic aspect to it I completely get. I know he gets paid to hear me, I know he actually doesn't feel anything for me, I know he has his opinions of me whether or not they're bad I have no idea. I actively know that my feelings for him are not for him, I know that this is a genuine thing that happens in therapy, I know that the time has come to end this therapy. I just have no idea how to cope, I'm not only having to face hiding all this because I'm unable to express it and horrified and repulsed by the idea of doing so, I'm having to accept soon enough there won't be anybody there anymore, there will simply be nothing, nobody there, nothing to look forward to. Just when I knew I needed therapy most when the summer holidays come and it gets really lonely, this happens. I don't have any idea how to cope with this pain, at least in a way that doesn't affect anybody else, it's nobody's fault including the psychiatrist's that I'm like this.
  8. I don't actually think I'm allowed to say specifics about stuff like that. It's a common painkiller that you can buy at supermarkets, each pill has 500mg of paracetamol in and 8 mg of a painkiller. Like a normal teenager I took things like aspirin or paracetamol for headaches, sometimes taking 2 or even 3 and saying "It's just one more, it can't harm me". One day I complained of a headache when I was 15. I'd been kicked out of my home a few months earlier and moved in with my uncle and grandmother. Hearing me complain before school about a headache she casually passed me a packet of painkillers. I found out much later that she'd accidentely given me prescription painkillers. Rather than having a dose of 8/500 per pill I was now taking 30/500. It was a strange experience when I took 2 of them, I felt extremely off.... Off focus, I struggled to keep my head up and I actually felt very strange, I can't even explain it, I just felt relaxed in the sense that nothing could make me anxious or depressed, but I wasn't happy, I just felt empty. For a teenager suffering with chronic anxiety and depression it was pleasant. I took a few here and there, and started working my way up. I would take 4 of these prescription painkillers and then spent half an hour feeling incredibly ill. Occasionally I'd manage to walk to the bathroom and suddenly vomit it all up. I didn't care and never gave it much thought, just continued taking them. At one point over a year ago I was on occasion taking between 5-10. At one point I'd taken 10 and started seeing things move, and then at one point I took 7 and fell asleep, and woke up a couple hours later vomiting. I continued to sleep most of the day besides waking up to vomit, and after that I suffered cramps in my stomach after even taking one of these painkillers. Yet I still continued, not as often. I went through a a box of 100 in 6 weeks, I only took these painkillers at high school and never on weekends. In case you haven't realised, by this point I was stealing them off family who I knew didn't use them. I justified it by saying that they didn't use it and it just sat there, but it doesn't really matter, I still did it. About 5 weeks ago I drank a bottle of alcohol and took 4, spent the day in pain. I took one today just so the anxiety would stop, I took 2 last week, that's how it goes. I have a couple packets (say 12 all together) in different bags or drawers, and there's about 30 or 40 downstairs that nobody would notice disappearing. I've had blood in the last couple of weeks saying that besides the odd issue with my thyroid (genetic) and a high white blood cell count, everything is normal. My psychiatrist, case worker and gp know, and besides telling me more about what the painkiller was and how it worked (and explained why I have certain symptoms) as it's an opiate he didn't say anything and just advised me not to take so many. Today I was looking for something in my bag and saw them and I kept thinking about it and feeling so anxious so I took one. I can still feel the affects 2 hours later off just 1 painkiller. I'm scared about anyone finding out, my family despise people who take drugs and have disowned people over it and I would be disowned if they knew, I've taken so many risks that I don't know how they've never noticed the painkillers disappearing. I share the same GP as the relative I'm taking the painkillers off, so it's only a matter of time before the GP realises how I'm getting a hold of them as I refused to give him much information on it. I'm scared that I'm slowly becoming dependent on it, and that despite how much I hate the symptoms I still take them. I have no idea what to do. Sorry about posting so often lately, it's nice to finally write this out.
  9. You know what, for the last 5 minutes I was trying to find a way to nicely explain the area of my weight but you know what? Let's just be honest, I'm not likely to get ridiculously shamed here. I'm 5'7, I weigh... I think about 220lbs. In legs I'm usually a (British) size 14 and I'm not that sure about t-shirts because my t-shirts are from the mens section but I'm a large typically. I usually get XL because I like baggy clothes, but L fits me fine usually. I already know I'm quite far in the obese section, I can't ignore it anymore, I've let my weight creep up steadily through my early teenage years and just went further into denial. I cannot do it anymore. I cannot face another year of being this weight and size. I'm not even looking towards being thin or slim or anything, I'm just looking to get my weight down and far away from obese. I'm looking to be physically fit, being able to actually run a couple miles rather than just jog a few. Be able to carry heavy things (required for my college course) and not struggle so much. Over the last few months I've tried doing the odd thing to make my diet less bad. I've started replacing things like coca cola with other fizzy, non sugar drinks or sparkling water. Stopped drinking juices that are loaded with sugar so often. Used less sugar in my coffees and even stopped drinking that more than a couple times a week. I actually need to start doing intense exercise to lose weight and I actively need to eat regularly and better food. The strangest thing is that I'm actually scared by this. I'm scared of trying and giving up, and scared of doing it alone, silly isn't it. I don't have any money to join groups though I'm lucky to have a gym room in the house I live in. I just wish I wasn't doing this alone, it's harder doing it without a laugh or without somebody with you to help motivate you a little. I really need to lose weight I cannot live another year like this. Any advice about anything including weight loss would be most appreciated.
  10. This a thread about being positive then? Okay, I can do positive, burning with the power of a million burning suns kind of positive. It is currently 9:18 and I'm enjoying some lovely opera styled composed music as I finish filling in my dodgy eyebrows. It is going to be a fantastic day despite the sky resembling a prison wall. If I have to skip down the road to Duran Duran I shall, if I need to smile at every dreary face that I see I will. Today I visit family and chat whilst reading the newspaper, drinking diet coca cola and eating their cereal! And then off to the busy streets of the city's centre to see my psychiatrist and offload onto him all the bad sides and the good sides of recent life. I had blood tests conducted and thankfully I do not have hypothyroidism nor diabetes! The only issue is a high white blood cell count, meaning more blood tests, but I don't mind. I'm considering donating blood, and there is a sign around here asking for a bone marrow transplant, I may try and find it on my way back and see if I can get tested, you never know who may be a match.
  11. I'm usually reluctant to say I have a phobia for X or Y because a phobia is more extreme than just a little niggling fear. This phobia didn't affect my life that much in the past weirdly. I'd say it started to affect my life from about 7 years onwards. My family were never weird about my body, they didn't say nasty stuff or comment on it, it was just something in my mind that became transfixed on certain parts of my body. I would be extremely anxious at the idea of somebody seeing my shoulders for instance, because at the age of 7 I was convinced I was sexualising myself, silly right? My actual thought process was "I'm making myself look sexy, I can't do it!" By the time I was 11 years old my legs were covered always. For very brief moments in my life from between 10-14 I occasionally wore pants that cut off just below the knee, I at one point started wearing skirts for school (uniform) that stopped just above the knee, but that lasted a few days before going back to black school pants. By the time I was 13 I was wearing mesh gloves attached to a t-shirt styled jacket (I was a little into the alternative clothes) so there was only a small portion of my upper arms visible before the gloves covered my skin. This became so common that I was known for my gloves, I wore them in class, I wore them going to the shop, it was my identity and I never took them off until I was in the house. The fear went as far as to my chest, I wear t-shirts, I am unable to show my chest when going out, I simply cannot get over it. It has been years since anybody has seen my legs, I get anxious at simply showing my ankles, leaving me to wear ankle boots or shoes with a high back and front. I struggle to even show my arms off and it can take me several minutes of intense internal debate to take my jacket off, and that's if I'm sitting in classroom or a waiting room, outside in the street is impossible. I still am unable to show my shoulders, only a few relatives have seen my shoulders in rare encounters such as getting out of the shower/bath, or momentarily taking my jacket off to wash dishes, that kind of thing. I'll be perfectly honest, I'm on the overweight side, increasing my anxiety on it, though I've had this anxiety back when I was thin. I have stretchmarks from gaining and losing weight dramatically as well as hitting a growth spurt. I am literally covered in them. I have intense scarring on my arms, legs, chest and shoulders through self injury. It's quite obvious that it's self injury too and it starts from my hand to my elbow, and begins again near my shoulder. I know this makes the fear much worse, it's the main reason I struggle these days, it's the worry of people seeing them, even though its' unlikely to be commented on. Oh, and I also have PCOS causing excessive hair growth, though if anybody where to look at my body, I could just shave or wax, it's mostly the scars that bother me, the stretchmarks don't even get me that down, even the weight doesn't as much, the scars have affected this fear more dramatically than anything else. It didn't bother me much growing up because nobody was really going to see a lot of my body, I didn't do sports so never had to change in front of people, in college I change privately, in the shower or bath I don't look at myself and keep the door barricaded. But now I'm 17 and what worries me is, how am I even going to be able to kiss somebody when taking my jacket off in front of people causes a panic attack, and the idea of a guy seeing the scars on the rest of my body, or simply touching my bare shoulder sends me into an intense anxiety episode. This fear is so bad that I am very particular on my clothes, and nobody in my family is able to see most parts of my body. Dating is not going to work with this kind of fear, if I can't even let my family see parts of my body without at least feeling anxious, how can I cope with a guy I've been going out with for a couple of dates? Any suggestions on how to combat this anxiety? I'll just write a quick little recap, the parts of my body that are a no no are my ankles, legs, shoulders, stomach, chest (even upper chest). I can cope showing my arms for brief moments like in a classroom or in a waiting room, but it's hard for me.
  12. I've always considered myself to be a really good neighbour, no loud music on all day and night, no shouting and no banging things around (at least at an ungodly hour). However today I have a glam rock music blasting so loud there is a possibility they may be able to hear, but I'm not that bothered, they play a mixture of rap and pop music way louder than this, so they can handle rock music for an hour or so. Have you ever felt so guilty at the possibility of ending your life, it's become your sole reason not to do it? I've felt so guilty at the bare notion of leaving my family to deal with what I've left behind I've spent hours wanting to scream from the depression. Instead, I swallow painkillers to toxic levels, self harm so severely I'm lucky to not desperately need stitches all under my t-shirt and pants. Why do I stay? I wonder about the games I'll never get to play, will George r.r Martin ever finish that book series? Will the game The Last Of Us actually be made into a movie? Will Telltale release another Walking Dead game? I'm sitting around each day trying to survive to wait for a chance of having some new entertainment that will keep me occupied from anything from 1 hour to 30 hours, and i'll go away, and I'll latch onto something new that may be years away. I wait and wait, convincing myself that there is something I need to experience or see before everything ends. Naturally being rather curious this keeps me going when my hatred for my family becomes so overwhelming guilt doesn't even penetrate. I stay out of love for my family and throughout that I resent them all, mostly because they make no effort to talk to me, no effort to see me, they don't want to ever see me, talk to me, do anything with me. The simple act of being in the same room of them seems to repulse a few members of my family, instead I'm the freak who sits upstairs unseen, kept around because of promises and because they have as an obligation as family, I'm just a guilt trip to them. The family who live with me now can't wait to throw me out at 18 and rid their hands of me because in their eyes, they filled out their obligations as family and promises they made. I stick around for family who don't want me in their life, they just want me alive so they don't have to feel bad. Get out, I'm going, goodbye, no.... I hear all this stuff all the time, my mother always claims she needs to get her bath so she can get off the phone with me, but over half the time she never answers the phone or gets in touch. My sister is the exact same, the rest of my family are similar. I have no friends, I don't date for obvious reasons. I sit around wondering when I'll finally hate those around me so much I'll consider dong it as an act of vengeance, because all I feel now is bitterness. Yet despite all this, I can't blame them for who I am, for what I am, for what I was, and what I will be. I made my decisions, I have to live with it, can I really blame them for seeing me as I am? I don't even know how I'm going to get through the next hour, can I honestly say that's how bad I feel today? That's how rejected I feel by everybody, the people I worshiped, the people who saved me, the people who spewed sh1t about how much they loved me, then threw me out like garbage and pretended all was well. Am I fighting for my life now, am I supposed to fight for myself and say screw them? What about if I don't want to live and never felt the pain was worth it, what then?
  13. I can deposit several hugs for anybody who needs them.
  14. I need a very loving, very strong hug, with 3 comforting, soft pats on the back. And maybe a few extra pats if I sniffle. I'll offer more hugs when I'm happy in a few days.
  15. I've had A lot of experiences like this before, dozens. Some were just really... Messed up? Weirdly it was the more rude and overtly disrespectful comments that got to me, the messed up ones were easy to discard. It took me a while to get passed it. Often I'd shut the screen down feeling really nauseous and upset, or sometimes really angry. Have I got an answer that's perfect for you? No. For me, it was recognising that the individual had either done, or felt, or was the following: A) Become obsessed or fixated with a statement of mine and spend several minutes writing to tell me why I was wrong, and how I had to change, and how stupid I was for XX or YY. They obviously had nothing better to do with their time than harrass me or send me messages that were rude. B) Were unable to simply disagree with my statement and leave it at that. They also weren't intelligent or polite enough to attempt to argue my case, instead resorting to rude, or sometimes condescending messages. C) They were so obsessed with looking better than I that they spent their time making me look stupid in front of others. Obviously there are more reactions out there, but they were the ones I run into myself. Some people can be messaging you meaning it to sound quite polite but it ends up looking rude or argumentative, other times they have no idea how else to communicate, and sometimes that's just the way they like to talk. I usually just ignored it, or if I was really angry and felt like they wanted a reaction, I simply wrote "K". I wouldn't suggest trying to message them, it often goes nowhere beyond angering yourself. The best thing you can do is ignore it, only the weirder people will repeatedly message you wanting a response, and when that occurs, it's easy to realise that you're the better for simply leaving it. I get where you're coming from, and I know how difficult it is to stop yourself from going down into a spiral. Similar things have happened to me even recently, some leave me in such a bad mood I have to remove myself from the internet for a day to get my head around it, sometimes I've been unable to revisit websites for several weeks after. If you need to talk about this or anything else you can PM me. I hope you feel better soon.
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