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Joe The Son of Moe

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  1. I don’t know what is wrong with me. In a moment of boredom my mind takes control of my mood. Suddenly my back aches, it reminds me of the skydiving accident that I had a year ago (I skydive as a hobby). In turn I remember how a failure I am. "Oh here eat that cookie that should remedy you", a voice mumbles. One, two and 20 cookies later. I snap from what I was doing. Apart from the stomachache I feel that I gained 10 pounds, and no that’s not a metaphor I genuinely feel that I gained 10 pounds of fat. Guilt and shame creep in. “you fat pig you have no self-control.” A voice tells me, you’re no good for anything, it adds. I pinch my love handles it seems that it’s much bigger than yesterday. “See? that is why you haven’t had a relationship yet you ugly ****. No one can stand your face, you’re not worthy of loving.” The voice tells me yet it sounds very real. I remember the times that I got rejected. I remember the awkward moments. I remember all the times that I failed. Heck the voice is right, I promised myself to go the gym every day, and that was two weeks ago. Suddenly I remember all the chores that I was supposed to do today, its 6pm and I haven’t done anything. My heart starts beating violently. Racing thoughts bash into my mind. , I have a 6 page paper due tomorrow. Oh I forgot to pay my electric bill, also I forgot to renew my car registration. Have I been driving all this time illegally? I remember that an unregistered car fine costs about $1,800. Hell if I was caught with such fines I would be devastated. I would have to borrow money from my parents. Oh I haven’t called my mother in a month she must be angry because I haven’t called, or maybe something terrible have happened to them. How did I forget to call, I’m such a terrible son. Should I call now? Nah, I’m not in the right mood, I don’t want to bring them down with my fake problems. I say fake cause I have a roof under my head, and I’m never hungry unless I’m dieting. If anything I should be grateful for the life I have. I am nearing graduation in December 2016 with zero debts. Also, I have a well-paying job lined up for me after I graduate. I have great friends, I have gone traveling to a lot of interesting places and I am in great health. Isn’t this as good as it gets? What more do I want? How can I want more, while millions are dying in the world from wars, diseases and starvation. This is unfair, what if the inventor of the cancer cure died somewhere in Africa because of starvation. I am guilty, I don’t deserve this life. I didn’t amount to anything worthwhile and probably would not in my lifetime. It seems like the only salvation to this this guilt is to jump, like I jump from planes, only this time to jump from a cliff. because unlike planes, cliffs seem to offer a permanent relief. But not today, because everyday I look forward to the day I become glad I did not seek the permanent relief.
  2. Softball4 I hope your friend recovers. Please let your friend know that I am praying for him/her. When I was depressed I felt like isolating myself from the world, yet I felt really lonely. I recommend you to let your friend know that you are there for him/her no matter what. Cheers
  3. I often tend to absorb myself in activities that I find interesting. Or i find ways to improve myself, physically or mentally; like biking and reading books. What hurts most is the word lonely. I would rather use the word solo. You got to love yourself and that will make people interested in you. It is perfectly ok to be solo. Trust me there will be a time in your life that you would wish you have your alone time. So just enjoy it while being there.... I used to be really lonely, i felt frustrated and angry. Whenever you feel that way feel free to email me: Alemadiiqatar@gmail.com
  4. Whenever I feel that I have no friends my mind keeps repeating it making it more destructive. I do not know why my mind plays that card on me. though I have treated it well most of the times. the other times I try to destruct myself just to punish my self. Like not giving a damn; eating fast food and not exercising. I had felt that the world is a terrible place to live. Not because it is filled with crimes and injustice, but because I am the reason behind all of the destruction. Depression is like digging yourself in a hole, a bigger hole. Till the hole is at your shoulder's length. And when you are done from the whole wanting to get out out of it you try to get out and you try hard. then suddenly someone comes and slams your head with a sledge hammer making you strike 10 more feet deeper in wherever you had be standing. That other person can be called your bad portion of the mind. not the physical mind but the spiritual mind, a cancer or a devil. It appears when you least need it. And it seems like that you will be like that for eternity. The other times when I don't feel like the worst person on earth, I feel like the most lucky person in the whole universe including the planets and million stars. I feel grateful not because I am happy, but I can normally feel happiness, achievement, compassion, and I can feel everything like a normal person. It has been a while since I have got myself out of the deepest pit I have ever stuck in. Here is how I did it. Reminder: I am writing this for myself in case if I got into that situation again. What is written may or may not work for everybody. The first thing I would do is talk to somebody that cares about you, but since that your are in a situation where you feel like a worthless piece of S!@T, I would skip this step for later. I can't emphasize how omega 3 oils helped me. I don't how it works, but it worked wonders for me. It curbed my craving for fast food, which is an important aspect for recovering from depression -i will explain later-. It certainly elevated my mood, which made me able to help myself more, since I got a sprinkle of hope. I got to read a self-help book on the subject. Unfortunately the book is only in my native language (Arabic) so I cant recommend it here. Later on I talked to a friend who really cares. And only talk to somebody who cares. Talking to someone about my feelings felt like I got an anvil off my chest. Even though I still had depression I felt better and better every day, Until i finally got out of the dark hole. I stopped eating high caloric fast food, which made me realize how bad was it to my mind. Since then I gave up another bad habit.... Porn is very destructive to my mind. Though it gave me momentary escape and pleasure, my mood gets to deeper low. To be continued... All comments are welcome.
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