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pilar ternera

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  1. I think loneliness is one of the more frequent reasons most of us eventually turn here. You can't exactly scream 'I'M DEPRESSED AND LONELY' from the rooftops, and watch us all come out of the woodwork to support you. That being said, you can yell it here, and know that there are people here that can listen. You're right, there's not much anyone can really advise or say that can make you feel better. I do hope though, that writing down your thoughts to us has made you feel just slightly better. It may not improve your home-life situation, but knowing that you can speak your mind her, among like-minded people, is hopefully a slight relief. I remember feeling similarly when I was still living at home. My mother had left my father for another man, in another state. My big brother had just left for college, and my big sister took off with my mom. My dad and I got along by ourselves for awhile, but a new woman came along with a younger daughter, and I was replaced. I still had to live in that house, but everyone felt like strangers. And I had to take rules from a woman that did not raise me, let alone know me at all. It was terrible, and I was young, and there was no one to talk to, no one to tell me that one day I'd grow up, and all those experiences would turn me into an amazingly independent woman. It did happen, though, those experiences literally made me who am I today. And yeah, I'm still depressed as sh*t, but I'm functioning, I've got a decent life set up, far away from any family, now. Be strong.
  2. Hi pilar ternera, When I wake up and can actually get out of bed, that is a good day for me. When I can put my depression, anxiety and OCD in a box so I can function at work, that's a really good day for me. When I can smile at the simple things in my life, like watching my dog and cat play together, go for a walk and smell the fresh air, that's a fantastic day for me. What great examples! When all of my issues are out of the box, it's so hard to enjoy all those little things because you just don't see them. But, sometimes just a quick smell of fresh air is enough to PUT everything in the box, so I get it.
  3. Ugh, I'm really sorry to hear about your knee. I hope that things look up so you can get back on the treadmill soon! This is the feeling that I day dream about. To 'function' through life without all the ick. It just feels so much more real like that. But then when I'm going through an episode, the 'real' ness seems fake. Almost like the depression is what life is supposed to feel like, and anything else is just a lie I tell myself to keep from bottoming out, you know?
  4. Ugh, yes. This sounds familiar. I make plans during the week, and then by the weekend leaving the house seems worse than cleaning the garage out. With friends that aren't more intimate (see also: those that are used to be bailing on them, whether they like it or not) I usually preface by saying "Hey, if I'm feeling up to it....." then they typically don't have any expectations. ......or at least I hope not. For all I know I've been secretly disappointing people with that phrase for years.....
  5. It's Monday morning, need I say more? We face a whole new week and a whole new challenge for most. I've been reflecting a lot on what makes a day good or bad, and I am curious to hear what your good days look and feel like, as opposed to your bad days.
  6. Sometimes the realization that I have to be strong and stable for someone else actually sends me into an episode, so I can only imagine what your friend is going through. Even if she doesn't reach out, the understanding that you're there for her just might be a tiny thing that keeps her head above water. And having no expectation is just even better. She knows you're there, and they'll come a time when she'll be able to rely on that. :)
  7. You are a great friend to her for even educating yourself about it. But she's right, this is how it feels. We don't mean to hurt our friends, we just can't fake it around most people. I can fake it 95% of the time at work, but I don't have the energy to fake it around friends or family. I have avoided calls from my mother for so long that she thinks I'm dead in a ditch somewhere, because if I pick up the phone she'd be even more worried about my state of mind, than my state of body. Have patience with us and don't stop sending her cards, that's really sweet.
  8. I haven't said anything to them. I guess I can't figure out a way to be like, "Yo guys, I love you, but I seriously hate you right now and don't want to be anywhere near people." My ex husband was raised by the greatest parents ever and he was a super nice guy. But he didn't get depression. I guess I'm just afraid to put all my feelings and personal stuff out there and then just get blank stares in response. When I told them my dog died, I got a slap on the back and then they changed the subject. Crap....maybe i just need better friends.
  9. Wow, great topic! I have been on both meds and off meds trying to cope. I've never had success one way or another. I feel like a traitor when I try meds, and I feel like I've just given up when i'm not on them. Therapy never really changed much of anything, but I was younger when I tried it, and I don't think I was very honest with myself or the therapist back then. I've heard great things about therapy for folks who are trying to cope off of meds, though.
  10. This is my first post, I tried to do an introduction post over in the other area, but for some reason, I felt ridiculous trying to introduce myself, so I thought I'd just lay out what's actually bothering me this (rainy NY) morning. I have lived with depression since as far back as I can remember. I don't think I've ever managed to be a full functioning adult. The idea of grocery shopping for a week in advanced totally eludes me, let alone making plans for later in the month to see a movie or a concert. The idea gives me a little anxiety, actually. When my significant other asks me if I want to go somewhere this weekend, I go into panic mode. I have no idea why. Anyway, what's bothering me today are friends. My friends are a very tight knit circle (think F.R.I.E.N.D.S, just slightly less funny and not worth watching). They are all very strong willed and extroverted. I am....pretty much the exact opposite. They're mostly cool though, we like to watch movies and play video games, no big deal. They have a set schedule to hang out every Friday and Saturday night (Friday is designated movie and dinner, Saturday is for games). Someone as introverted and anti-social as myself should be thrilled that I always have plans for Friday and Saturday night, but it's actually quite dreadful. None of them really understand depression and mood swings. They don't understand (and worse, almost become personally offended) if I don't want to come over and hang out. Let's be honest, some days the idea that I can actually make it from the bed to the shower is surprising to me. Let alone from the bed, to the shower, dressed, outside of the house, across town, someone else's house and CHEERFUL, to boot. The cheerful is the part I struggle with. I can't fake it. I'm not typically a cheerful person. Especially around other people. These friends think I'm a happy person. They see me once or twice going through a 'good' cycle and they think i'm eff'in hilarious and the life of the party. Then when I'm in a 'bad' cycle they think that I hate them and they're the worst friends in the world and I'm a stone-hearted mega-craphead. And then they talk about me behind my back and make packs against me, and start hanging out without me and stuff. Which....wouldn't truly be that bad, because it would take the pressure off me for having to hang out. So, moral of the story is, I'm a crappy friend and I don't know how to be a better friend when I can't even look people in the eyes when I'm in a crappy mood. Any other bad friends out there? Oooor someone who's become a good friend?
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