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Everything posted by APFSDS

  1. Dreadful. I've pushed everyone away. Does that contribute to my loneliness? Hell yes. I can't shake paranoid thoughts and I feel like an awful burden on others' lives. I can't call out for help any more. I can't really express myself normally - it's so daunting. I can't just say: Hey! Help me! I've got weird thoughts and they're not getting any better for a year! Listen to me please! Instead I just take a position of - everyone close to me is my enemy. Fawking tired of all this.
  2. A worthless c*** I feel like I have nothing to give.
  3. Painfully lonely. Had a terrible month.
  4. The Northman. Really juicy mix of mythological and historical authenticity.
  5. Despite dismal thoughts, I manage to be more or less stable. So thats good
  6. I feel like I'm a burden and fake. There may be a possibility that I have BPD; which may explain my unusual bipolar-like rapid moodswings... though it's not certain and not really pursued to diagnosis. Very intense feelings of how I behaved. Also my Su-id has come back really badly and self injury is almost weekly in one form or another... intense jealousy is rampant too. Tired, very tired. Lost hope in medication too
  7. I feel like my world is crumbling again; whatever I fixed and built up last year is just breaking apart...
  8. Got progressively more and more cheerful
  9. Miserable. Meds kinda work, but that's the other kind of hell - no motivation, no energy and no creativity...
  10. 32C degrees of summer Good thing I live in the North... d:
  11. I cooked a stew I never thought I'd cook. Proof that I'm a c**t. I hate myself so much...
  12. I think I've gone on the offensive against depression and anxiety. I had a very bad time a month ago. And there still might be very severe storms ahead in my mind. But I accepted help from my friend and agreed to take meds again. Feeling more hopeful, but not out of the woods yet.
  13. I'm okay, but very worried. If this makes sense. All sorts of difficulties have arisen in my friend's life and I fear these might affect their mental health. Luckily there's a safety net, in a manner of speaking, that wasn't there before for both of us. The news titles are irritating as f*** too. Makes me angry the journos aren't tactful.
  14. Dreadful hangover. Insulted a few people and was generally a twonk. Cheerfully regretting all of it lol.
  15. I'm grateful that there are people helping me and others. People who don't take this as a job, but rather it's becoming more obvious that they actually WANT to help. Yes, they're overworked to heck... but they're just f'ing amazing.
  16. My world is indeed just an illusion made by myself. I want to shatter.
  17. I want to hug people. lol There are a few people who I'd gladly hug, because they've been so freaking awesome.
  18. I feel like I have no other qualities except tolerating pain.
  19. Walked for 40 km without stuff. This prolly counts as SH, but it's good for ya, innit! Google fit failed again and told me that I deffo walked only 7 miles. Thanks, gugl. Met a dog who was awesome and discovered a bubblegum sodie pop in a little village shop - fancy.
  20. I went for a very long walk today. Potentially not wanting to return. And the only one that cared was a dog that greeted me about 20 miles in... I heard a patter of feet and looked back, it was a large dog. She came up to me and licked my fingers and pressed herself against me wagging her tail. I petted her and told her to go back, she didn't... she followed me for over a mile. At first sneakily then she sort of bounced around when I looked at her ... kinda like showing her territory. This is a mailbox, this is the rock, this is the stick... c'mon sad limping human, life ain't so bad. All the way to the junction and I did actually feel better... dogs are good people.
  21. Define safe. I just feel terribly alone, there's nobody to talk to. I'd feel safe in a burning building if there was a reliable person around.
  22. I feel disappointed in myself. The world seems to be dissolving into fudge.
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