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  1. Profoundly depressed today. All alone on thanksgiving. I have a brother and a mother. The mother is elderly and complains bitterly all her life. She also can be very abusive. VERY. So going to visit her would be hard. Especially since she lives in a teeny condo. I would have to sleep in her den. Which is where she spends all her time. There would not be a room I could go to to get away from her. I have an abusive brother as well. He is VERY abusive when he gets triggered. I manage him by always saying I am great and everything is great. Then deflect the conversation so he just talks. His wife has no use for anyone in his family. I do not have friends to be with. I am alone. The relatives gather. But I cannot travel there. Because I cannot stay at my mothers home. And I cannot afford a hotel room. The saddness and pain is profound on days like today. Someone suggested I look at the cup half full. I am sorry. I cannot do that sometimes. Except I am eternally grateful my mother is alive. Because she is much less dangerous tham my brother. They are my 2 family members
  2. Hi. When I took lithium, even a tiny amount for anxiety, it caused my thyroid to become hypo, low functioning. Which can cause or exasserbate some of the things you were talking about. Do you think you might want to ask your dr about checking thyroid function. incluidng T3 and T4? My dr was watching me because she knew I was taking a small amount of lithium. Sure enough it got me. So its a thought. Some people do not have a pre-disposition and do fine with their thyroid while on lithium. For me the thyroid became low functioning causing depression and energy to be MUCH worse. Sending hugs if you would like
  3. Thank you Camilla. Really nice of you. I called someone who said she was going to go out. So the shaking slowly stopped. I do appreciate your post. <3
  4. Terrified right now. I cannot find my elderly mother. This is not unusual. Sometimes she doesnt answer her phone. Or she may be out with her cell turned off. It just is a huge trigger for me. HUGE
  5. Jan, I hope things will start to turn around for you. I am SO sorry to hear all the pain and adversity you are dealing with.
  6. please don't think of it as not doing much doing SOMETHING. I TRY to look at things from the glass half full not half empty.sorry
  7. Sorry, changed my mind. Dont know how to delete. So edited out. If a mod or admin could delete it, that would be great :)
  8. I think the darkness is becoming more pronounced. But the light is also increasing. Although its not always easy to see. But I sure hear ya. That the darkness is right up front right now. I think light is going to win though. I really do. But I also know I am being overly simplistic re: how bad things are right now. The suffering is way too tremendous for so many people in the world.
  9. I am usually good at helping people. So I offered a couple of years ago to help my then 53 year old cousin. She was having significant problems. I didnt know that she jumps right into bad situations habitually and then goes into crisis. Sometimes hysterics. That was okay. I still was helping her. And she liked it. Until my brother died. I kept trying to tell her I was not doing well and couldnt help much. But she refused to hear it. So now two years later she still calls me when she is in crisis or is having problems. She gets angry if I try to give her advice. She just wants me to say poor susie. Or i am so sorry this is happening to you. Over and over while she goes on and on. But truthfully she makes such horrible judgment calls that she gets herself into these situations. If I try to warn her she gets mad. And refuses to listen to me. I am feeling horrible about myself because I get triggered by her. She only calls when she has a problem. Sometimes she is in hysterics and it is hard for me to get her calm enough to even take medication. She has a therapist. but he needs more than that. So I am the more. Even though I have told her I am barely hanging on since my brother died. She refuses to hear it. I feel like I should be able to do better. That I should be able to be more patient and kind. And tolerant when she gets herself in another situation that was such poor judgement. Then if I say anything she gets mad. Because she only wants to hear how sorry I am for her pain. Then she goes on and on for an hour about how unfair life is to her. I feel SO intolerant sometimes. She wanted me to go to visit my mother when she goes to visit her mother. And I can stay with her at her moms. oh dear. I had to say that I would not be able to do that. I cannot take care of her and my moms feelings at the same time. I am not well myself, lol. So thats how I am feeling. Angry with myself for not having more tolerence and kindness from my heart. For not being someone who is less triggered by things.
  10. Today I woke after 3 hours sleep. That was not a great start. I had been not able to get myself to bring my car in to have winter tires put on. Unless people get there very early they are turned away. So I called and asked them if I could leave it over night. And they could do it the next day. So thats what I did. It was not so hard once I forced myself to start. I called a woman who is very sick with stage 4 cancer. I came home from the car place and tried my hardest to sleep. I woke up and did my daily assignment for a class I am taking. Then I did the meditation I have to do for the class. And then I called in for a teleconference for the class. Its a 21 day intensive. So thats a huge thing for me to do. Lots of different assignments for it. I hope I can have the strength and focus to remember 4 times a day to do the assignemtns. And then do the teleconferences. Some of which are 90 minutes. I cleaned a teeny bit. And thats that :)
  11. Sometimes certain orthadontists are excellent at fixing TMJ. This is what I have heard and expereinced. It often is caused by the surface of the teeth not meshing properly. Sometimes do to past dental work.
  12. Hi Perhaps you can smile at her when she looks at you. I understand if you feel do not have the courage to talk to her right now, would you have the courage to smile at her? I totally understand about the courage thing. I hope she likes you :)
  13. I accomplished very little today. I answered an email from my cousin who turns to me for emotional help. It was not easy answering it. Because my pain was pretty strong. But she relies on me. I started day one of a healing book. Each day has 3 assignments. Morning noon and night. I did all three of them. I took out the trash cans and put the water jugs out for the water compay to pick up and replace. I went to the grocery store to get some things. But I did not do any cleaning etc. I called my sister in law whose husband died this year. And listened to her pain. Was triggering because she was talking about money issues even though by my standards she is very wealthy. So her worries about money are SO different from mine. She also was talking about eventually moving to CO when she gets old so her sisters kids could care for her. I have no one. And no money. So I guess it was a huge accomplishment to get through the conversation with grace and total suppport for her. So maybe I did accomplish more than I thought.
  14. My experience with it, perhaps 20 years ago was good. But, as I recall when the depression got too strong, the st johns wart no longer was appropriate. But when it worked, it was great. It take a while to kick in. perhaps up to 3 weeks. Or maybe more. So if you do not feel results quickly, do not worry. Wishing you great success with it
  15. These all are very powerful stories. Thank you for writing them. Rainingviolets, that is the most powerful poem I have ever read. Your description of ana SO powerful. Thanks everyone for what you wrote. Thank you
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