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Everything posted by scienceguy

  1. I just tell people im a scienceguy now if they bring up religion which is ironic given my name. I do get frustrated with labels as I feel when society uses the word atheism they given legitimacy that being religious is the correct way to be since you need a word to describe what the default position should be.
  2. With me i don't know if because I have borderline personality disorder but i just feel p***** off, I feel ready for a fight to release my emotonal energy and to get into a screaming match with someone. it makes me feel like a monster that I feel that way on edge ready to throw down at the slightest provocation or difficulty. Like a child that wants to throw a temper tantrum because I didn't get what I want and I want everyone to know im upset and expect them to fix it, very childish, I try to keep to myself when i get like that I feel ashamed of my behavior and try to control it a much as possible.
  3. you really need to just ask women out till you get over it so that fear doesn't exist anymore of being rejected. Im sorry if im being blunt but you talk about the same problem everyday wouldn't be easier to take a risk of rejection then just to keep putting yourself in a situation you don't want to be in,your making the issue way more complicated then it needs to be.
  4. That makes sense, at least your becoming more aware of it, I use to care about what people thought about me alot when I was younger than stopped caring more and more where im at the point that now I just say what I want even when it ends up harming people around me and myself. I feel to bold like im sociopathic I care so little what people think of me, alienating my family with my sarcasm and people I meet with my bitterness. I really am trying to make the effort to stop and achieve a middle ground of being to closed off and caring what people think or just saying and doing what I want at the expense of everyone else.
  5. I have this angry energy swirling inside me, my inner hermit wants to grab someones ear and just start complaining ,but my consciousness wants me to stop being so self centered. Everyday its a battle do i do what I want and just go thru life caring about no one but myself, putting my interests in front of everyone else or do I make an effort to care about others. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person and maybe I am.
  6. People always figure out there is something wrong with me eventually I either snap at everyone and go into a rage, flip out and start ranting and raving. I have to be careful in therapy that they don't try to hospitalize as I have talked about how I wanted to end my life in detail to many therapists or I have go into rants cursing out people I met thru out the day in therapy. I have alot of trouble hiding it because one day when my mood is out of control I just snap and spill the beans when people start asking me whats wrong or that im nuts. The older I get the lower my tolerance has become for things that bother me. i think it would be hard to hide in therapy and I don't understand why you would want to, your there to get help its best to be honest so you can get proper treatment
  7. Upset and p***** off thank god im getting a therapist that way I can Biotch and moan I don't feel guilty because there paid to listen to me. I feel so stuck in life because of my finances. Im going to my therpist and im just going to start listing off everything I hate about my life then see how much they increase my anti depressant dosage, or what bs advice there going to give me. I like the attention even if the advice doesn't help me at all, i feel like edward norton in fight club going to support meetings for attention from some one, anyone, a therapist support group a random passerby im addicted to getting attention even if its negative. I would rather be hated than ignored does that make me evil?
  8. I have turned my phone off for two days to avoid being stuck to come in on my days off from work I feel like a bit of a jerk but im the go to guy to cover everyone's shift I need to have my days off to recuperate from running around allday at work. I am getting a new psych and therapist on june 8th I won't be able to fill my effexor until then and have started to wean my self off instead of going cold turkey to see if that helps with the withdraws. I finally got a new birth certificate and renewed my licence to im going to start looking for a career again this monday.
  9. That is one of the most depressing movies, I thought trainspotters was depressing, and funny at the same time american beauty is another good one about a depressed middle age man. Then there is donnie darko, this movie just makes me incredibly depressed, its science fiction but the main character is in therapy you have to watch it twice to understand it. The movie the wall visually depicts the pink flyod album, that shows a depressed rock star that socially isolates himself
  10. It was helpful to me it taught me how to deal with a******s better and manage my temperament and that i don't hate everyone just certain people that are narcissistic. Before I would walk around thinking people were talking about me, hostile or were trying to disrespect me to the point where I would get so angry or depressed I couldn't think straight most of the time and would just make blanket judgement of all people demeaning them in my head while labeling them being evil,a******s etc Now I just get angry at certain people who are abusive to others.
  11. I probably would be burned at the stake or imprisoned and deemed a communist in the 50s, in the 60s I think I could fit in and people would just right me off as a hippie. I don't know much about the 70's but I would not like the 80's or early 90's that's when people were at there s***test and there would be no technology to offset the s***ness factor. The 2000 sucked with the recession,911 and the worst president we had since Nixon who was still miles better than bush. So I guess I would want to live in the 2010's or the 60's if I had to pick.
  12. That sounds exactly like the girl in my group a real sicko, she had to be a clinical narcissist or some kind of sociopath, @Natasha1 yup she bragged about it, a real piece of work, she sat there and bragged what a horrible things she did to people and laughed about it
  13. I guess my hoodie on my jacket if I feel like my hair doesn't look right or the wind blows it around I can hide it, I have my hair cut so I have to use styling cream to get the layers to look right or I look like jack nicholson. When I don't feel like dealing with people that know me or want to avoid everyone it helps me to hide to
  14. Im mad i can't find my birth certificate to renew my license, my prescriptions running out im trying to find a doctor that will take blue cross blue shield but they either don't or they don't answer my calls I want to get any other job I want my parents out of my house for good. I don't want to financially depend on anyone ever again
  15. Thanks!! I think most people find someone eventually including you, me and everyone else posting here.
  16. I Have cried as man or teared up before, I had alot of trouble with dbt because I started despising some of the group members I with as I began to get to know them my therpist made me upset and I was almost on the verge of tears because she made a sarcastic remark that I hated everyone I confronted her after the group session and told her how I felt and that helped. I almost got in to a shouting match with someone because they were telling me I don't like them because I didn't respond with the same amount of enthusiasm that they excepted me to, it makes me so mad because I didn't like the person, so there trying to drag me into some bs drama because they can't deal with the fact everyone doesn't kiss there ass all day. So im either stuck on the spot telling them why I don't like them or awkwardly forced to pretend I like them to avoid drama which pi**es me off more, because there forcing me into a situation that i don't want to respond to. I went to the therpist and started telling her that I can't deal with her and I was going to snapped if she kept talking to me and didn't leave me alone. she was one of the rudest low class people I ever met she bragged about hurting people mooching off her parents, cheating on her partners etc. Anyway what I learned is that I don't hate everybody just certain people that are obnoxious rude and disrespectful, not everyone is like that. Most of this would happen when I was upset. So what I learned in therapy is that it is better to be open with what is upsetting you then bottling it up trying to hide all the time. So If you have to cry we had a few people that cried in my therapy group and everyone was supportive even the biggest jerks in the group.Therapy is the best place to express those things
  17. it's interesting you post in this thread I started it two years ago!! So it gives me more perspective that was before I was medicated or diagnosised with bipolar disorder. I can say for sure I was significantly worse, on a scale of 1 to 10, my mood was at a constant 1 or 2 now I can say my average mood is about a 4 out of 10 and at lowest a 3 and the highest a 7. That is after two years of therapy, medication and graduating college. I still don't have any social life im still single but thats because I won't settle like other people will for relationships with people. Before I thought it was because I was unlikable but I figured out in therapy that I was the one rejecting others, for good reasons. I am a good judge of character and know what I want out of my relationships compared to most people who were my age. So my answer to your question is medication and therapy.
  18. Thats what I tell everyone I don't care about societies socially constructed ideals I do what ever I want, people run on bulls*** and everyone knows it, im just not afraid to talk about it. I tell people I make the trends I don't follow them. Life is all game like chess each piece of clothing each, each brand of car we buy, the size of our are all manufactured desires by the bourgeoisie people are desperate to feel powerful, we are just highly educated apes we live by the same rules as every other animal running on instinct to eat **** and sleep. We imitate what we think will get those things just like every other animal, all the rest of the stuff we babble about is just window dressing.
  19. A sense of humor, sarcasm and detachment.I don't see my father as an adult I see him as a child, I know he is so stupid and ignorant that nothing he says has any value to me so I don't take it personally anymore. He has no credibility or respect from me so hearing him rant and rave is like watching a clown, I Joke he is my jester and comic relief everyday,last I was talking to him he said he is going to join the kkk and everyone should be killed thats a minority I told him to stop going thru a mid life crisis and acting out to get attention. Then everytime he goes into his racists rants I just start calling him blackly the uh oh oreo who is trying to deny his black, Hispanic transgender heritage. I shout nonsense until l he gives up trying to insult me or talk about his disgusting beliefs. That is basically how i deal with all the sociopathic narcissistic people I meet and it has been work well for me so far.My mother I listen to her and ignore her when she makes judgments of me or try to keep my distance if she is in a bad mood, thats how I deal with people who still have humanity left and my nonsociopathic family memebers.
  20. I started smoking ecigs to relax myself on my days off they won't damage my health, as long as I make sure I don't smoke real cigarettes
  21. Welp I had another job interview and didn't get the job and was told they hired someone with more experience. My whole Life I always I thought im a likable and capable person so it would be easy for me to get a job or a relationship, yet I am always rejected. I have trouble seeing my flaws apparently everyone else see's them but me. I thought I would be successful by my age but I guess not, back to the drawing board, I have no dignity left anyway so what do I have to lose.
  22. Im ok dreading going to my job I had a interview for another job Friday. I have been snapping at people especially one of my coworkers driving me up the wall with his immaturity. I never outright started screaming at people untill I started working here the guy is so annoying I just feel like strangling him sometimes, and wish he would shut his damn mouth. Every day I work with him I go in to a rage by the end of the night and make myself look like a jerk I keep telling him that the way he jokes annoys me I don't think his sense of humor is funny it is just irritating then he keeps apologizing and ends up making the same jokes the next day about bestiality and being ghetto all day.
  23. Dump him he has serious problems if he is threatening to break your stuff, it might escalate to physical violence eventually you don't sound happy with him to me at all.
  24. I don't have any friends at all right now no one calls or texts me I just talk to coworkers or I talk to people on here or in public when i go out to do errands, I am sort of happy I cut off everybody I didn't have energy to maintain any friendships really when I got a text or phone call it would feel like a burden or chore to follow up constantly. What I really want to do is date and have my privacy I really don't need to be running around with a bunch of friends all day like high school. To do that I have to be living on my own again and to do that I need a to get a job that uses my degree. Than I am back to online dating or im going to start participating in politics or join some clubs on meetup. You need to focus on one part of your life at a time, if you try to do everything at once your going to drive yourself crazy. It also depends on your personality I had to accept im more introverted I don't need or want that many people in my life so I should stop comparing myself to extroverts who need to be around people at all times to be content. You need to ask your self exactly what you want then focus on each step that gets you where you want to be.
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