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Everything posted by scienceguy

  1. I feel like stopped drinking coffee forgot to take my effxor for 2 days fell asleep for 15 hours woke up to everyone screaming at because I didn't clean because I was unconscious get blamed for everything my hands shaking my head chickening me feeling nauseous with motion sickness barely able to speak and think trying to deflect attacks from my family as why i didn't clean everything i just I didn't know I was unconscious how am i suppose to wake myself up, I usually sleep between 3-6 hours everyday. My father started to try to get into a political debate screaming racial slurs about people from the mid east while telling me im a bum and everything I believe is bulls*** my degree is a waste there is no such things as facts im an ***** because I have no money according to him. I just kept repeating that I don't want to discuss anything political at all I just want to be left alone that I felt sick. everyday my father tries to get me to fight with him. I had a interview on Tuesday to work as a mold technician and didn't get the job so everyone has been at my throat since tuesday. I have to wait for my father to calm down before I can even start cleaning I can't mentally deal with him screaming at me while im cleaning criticizing me I tell him im sick of fighting with him and im not going upstairs till he leaves the house or stops ranting and raving. I am going to try to do voulnteer work at the hospital I interviewed at twice. Im trying to keep my mouth shut around him I wish I could rip his tongue out from his mouth. My therapist said every time I get into a shouting match with him im falling into his trap.
  2. Be careful you won't die from the prozac and alchohol but do not drink if your on any anti anxiety meds like xanex.
  3. Happy thanksgiving Dad you can kiss my ass, your a know nothing dumb ass homer simpson look alike
  4. Im very frustrated that I have gotten called to do any job interviews in over 2 weeks. Feeling very sad and lonely I watched a documentary about the elephant man it was a guy in England who suffered from a unknown disease. He was horribly disfigured people saw him as a monster his whole life and he died at 27 alone in the basement of a hospital he was kept in. It just destroyed my mood and reminded me how alone I am in the world to.
  5. Are you getting interviews I can always find jobs that my degree is useful in i get a decent amount of interviews what I do everyday is right down a list of companies and job websites than I go thru it everyday for an hour and apply to every new position that pops up that day. I have multiple cover letters I use and different resumes so I can breeze thru them all I live in NJ where there is a big pharmaceutical industry, medical jobs and alot of scientific research. Are new governor is likely to legalize recreational ganji, I saw a few jobs that were looking for people with degrees in biology to test and grow product. I also have applied to be a tour guide and look for environmental jobs. agriculture etc. I just applied to a job to be an environmental scientist today I just wrote down a bunch of search terms from indeed to use. I would have normally thought I wasn't qualified for that kind of position if I did not research it . Good luck Chubbybunny89 I hope you find something soon.
  6. Very bored getting depressed again,still trying to get my life on track. I have alot of hopeless thoughts that are growing louder and louder in my head, overpowering the rational hopeful thoughts. I know there not true and im not doomed but I just can't shake the feeling that my life is hopeless even though I know for a fact that im distorting reality.
  7. I can relate to that when I use to have really bad depressive episodes I would get like that where nothing could get me out of it but time I would just ride out the mood like a bad storm. you could always tell people you are sick today and just to try ride it out till it gets better. If my mood gets so bad I can't think of anything positive or find joy in anything I usually just start writing poems or add to my horror book. I find watching horror movies help as it jolts me out of my depression because I fear for the characters and it distracts me from my problems temporarily its almost Halloween so there should be tons of good horror movies you could get sucked into while you wait for the mood to pass.
  8. Im freaking out the president just amended a executive order that authorities him to recall all the military even if there retired in preparation for war or terrorism that bush used after 911. Im very worried we are going to declare war on north Korea
  9. You really shouldn't be objectifying people and be so focused on looks that is probably the least important factor when looking for a partner honestly that is one of the dumbest reasons to choose to pick someone to date. Nobody is a leftover just because a women has kids or doesn't have money doesn't mean there not worth getting close to. I went on two dates with two different women with blonde hair one was gorgeous had a perfect body and was a fitness trainer, I went with her for a walk around the park all she did was talk about her self for an hour almost I was the one asking the questions leading the conversations my sister was friends with her sister and she tried to get married to multiple men told me she didn't want to work that much took no interest in what she was studying had no passion for anything. The other girl I meet online had a pretty face but was about 30 pounds overweight but she was way more passionate about what she wanted to do in life, she had a bunch of interests she talked to me about she wasn't making that much money but would just gush about all the things she wanted to learn about physics, she was a painter and drew beautiful works of art loved animals and participated in extreme sports. Now which one do you think was the better date? which one would I of had a more fulfilling relationship with if it worked out. I did not bring much to the table that is why I focused on getting a career started that I have passion for about and living on my own finishing school and dealing with my depression first.so my advice would be to focus on other qualities before looks and its alot easier to get happiness from your self then other people.
  10. I wouldn't even go to college then, I don't know why they have online degrees it is not the same as trade school you won't just get a job because you put in the time to get the degree if its not something your really interested in and plan to do for the rest of your life it will be a waste of money. Part of college is working in groups of people doing presentations in front of classmates having debates asking the teacher questions engaging with your class mates. If your going to college just for the money, its not worth it in my opinion.
  11. Yes indirectly though I binge drank alot when I lived by myself to manage my depression im pretty sure it aged my face
  12. I kinda have the same outlook accept I don't see it as nihilism more like accepting that I am part of the universe and that is all I need I don't really understand why people need a deeper meaning look at how amazing life is and all the things that happen everyday look at how complex the body is the mind space ecology weather patterns there is so much around you to discover people are made from everything in the universe they come from it and go back into it when they die life is a cycle of constant change, from life to death, hot to cold, suffering to happiness.Nothing is ever lost it just changes form. I use to read alot of philsophy and one day i just thought to myself this is all bs and just a play on words none of the concepts demonstrate anything it doesn't really change anything if we have freewill or not if the universe is material or immaterial if there is a grand meaning to everything. I like to do a thought experience with myself what would be the difference of a meaningless universe and one with meaning i really just end up imagining it being the same way either way. I feel like people are way to dramatic there doesn't need to be a complex reason to things for life to be meaningful or worth living.
  13. Let the dog upstairs lol why dont you hang out with them to get out of the house if you have a smart phone you could use that to go online or see if you can move the computer upstairs. I can understand how difficult it can be if your really depressed though. How long do you think they'll stay?
  14. Im sick of Trump the Man's a POS i read his twitter this morning and he was attacking Puerto Rico saying he was going to withdraw fema because its costing to much money he would rather spend it helping Saudi Arabia bomb civilians in Yemen, going on his weekly vacation prepping for a war with North Korea, robbing the poor to give to the rich. Continuing his war on science and his war on the environment. He whines like a Biotch every morning about people picking on him or football players kneeling instead of doing anything constructive.
  15. Thank you I got two more rejections one I was sure I was going to get, I feel like my soul has been shattered into piece's, I have felt more depressed then I have every felt in the last two years I started feeling hopeless again like before I started having my bipolar treated. I reapplied at the same hospital again by my house hoping that it shows them how motivated to work there I feel like my life is on hold. Yeah I make sure to never disclose my mental disorder or report I have a disability i always check no on the box that asks and I know they can't get my mental health records by law so there is no way they should be able to find out. The competition is brutal on both interviews I went on there were over 10 people on the sign in sheets that interviewed on the same day as me.
  16. The hospital I interviewed at for the second time for a second position will hire because I will apply again and again until they give me a chance. **** people who tell me to change my career path because im not making the amount of progress they expect me to, I would rather die on the street starving to death or end myself then give up on my goals and ambitions to work just for the money I would rather be homeless working for free at a job I enjoy then one I hate for alot of money. **** the people who try to bring me down or think im an idealist, that im not realistic. I can be as insane as I want to be it's my life I accept myself and my ambitions. we
  17. Yeah your case is identical to mine! I don't know if its possible for employers to find out im dx bipolar I never disclose it to anyone on paper and only my family knows so I don't know if thats a possibility. Did you enjoy what you studied if you did it wasn't a waste that's what I tell myself when I pay my loans im almost 27 and it's driving me nuts that I didn't accomplish anything I wanted to do besides graduate from college. I can't believe im 26 already I don't feel like im almost 30 *** happened to me how did I **** up so bad. I had two more interviews since I last posted one at the same hospital for a patient transport aide and one for a lab tech so hopefully that works out im so sick of turning out application everyday and going on interviews getting my hopes up.
  18. Im freaking out I ran out of my trazdone and have to get tomorrow morning I can't sleep at all if I don't take it. I had a interview today for a laboratory tech position at McCormick, I don't think its possible that I will get the job I saw all the people who signed in before me for a interview there were at least 20 others half of them had come that morning. I got tongue tied during one of my answers and lost my train of thought, my medications have really harmed my short term memory I randomly forget words can't focus I feel like I have forgotten how to put sentences together I just randomly blank out and can't remember how to phrase what I want to communicate or forget really common words. I have another interview on Tuesday at the same hospital for a different job I interviewed at that hospital 2 weeks ago but did not get the overnight position to clean the surgical tables. Im still worried we are going to get into a nuclear war I was watching some documentaries about the Korean war, the current opinions of the people living in South Korea, and stories from people who escaped North Korea. War makes me sick I sometimes forget the reality of war then I see pictures or videos from warzones and battles, than understand why I use to say im pacifist ,I believe in the world working together, not isolating our countries and people from one another. The republicans in congress are trying to pass a bill that guts medicaid and gets rid of the mandate to cover preexisting conditions, im worried about not being able to get my medications but also not being able to get a job in healthcare many hospitals would close down if people lose there insurance. They still would get treated if they go to the ER then can't pay the debt to the hospitals. My sisters boyfriend visited from quebec and I talked to him he told me they don't have to pay for there health care at all or education, if Canda can do it why can't the USA. The government wastes all this money on foreign wars we don't need to be in why can't we just stay on our side of the hemisphere like Canda or Europe. We spend so much money chickening other people, instead of helping the sick and poor here. I can't listen to trump anymore it makes me depressed knowing some one so incompetent and inept ending up being president. When he got elected I said my lowest expectation of him was he going to start a nuclear war he has always done worse than I expect him to.
  19. Batman I really relate to him he is mentally il,l suffers from depression ptsd can't get close to people because of a childhood tramua is distant to people around him. I loved the cartoon in the 90s growing up I watched all the movies played all the batman games, I have even bought a few of the comics to read during hurricane sandy lol They are hidden in my house in a box and im the only one who knows of them Also the hound from game of thrones he is burned as his brother as a child comes off as a a******, tries to do the right thing but still comes off as a a******, is sarcastic has a vulgar mouth is unfriendly lol i relate to him to much. I like charcaters that have psychological struggles
  20. I have been getting anxious lately I keep imagining when im driving a flash going off from a nuclear bomb burning everyone to death, I know how people in the cold war felt now, i looked up stuff about nuclear weapons,videos of tests, biography of Hiroshima victims when I was younger and it has scarred me, North Korea has icbm's now and their last nuclear test was 18 times the size of the Hiroshima, the sanctions aren't working the rhetoric is becoming more violent. I don't see anyway they will give up there nuclear weapons, I told my therpist I was so worried about it.
  21. Im getting so sick of being told to pray for a job by my parents, I told them im not wasting my time on that rubbish, im the only one they tell to my sister is an atheist and they never bother her. My grandmother said they same thing though she is not as pushy she randomly told me its the end of the world and I have to pray so I don't go to hell I told her im going to hangup the phone if she keeps telling me to pray I said I don't tell her to pray to hindu gods or zeus to save her soul from there concepts of hell. Religious people get on my nerves so much especially when they just pretend to be religious and know nothing about the bible my parents don't even know the 10 commandments and are telling me to be religious, I took a college theology class and have read the bible for hours every morning and wrote a ten page exogesus I a quote I picked from the book of matthew and went to ccd till I was 10. Thank god(lol) I don't live in the south my family in Floridian are crazy religious.
  22. thank you for the support I think your right I know my friends dad said that he interviewed 50 times he had a master's in programming, He Moved to New York city I was surprised that he had such a difficult time finding a job, I told my parents the same thing that im competing with 100 hundreds of people I have to be at the top of the list if im always getting interviews I got told I was the second choice at a bone grafting place and complemented on my interview so something has to work out eventually.
  23. I just wanted to reply and say im doing better today I haven't been employed in my career field for a year and 4 months. I am not willing to give up and pursue something im not interested as I know if I keep trying something has to work. I am doing something on the side selling paintings, art and furniture for one of my mothers real estate clients, I have been to a career center and have gone over questions at my university I went there at least 5 to 6 times and found that the advice they were given me wasn't helping I have another interview being arranged for a lab tech position for 18 an hour Again I will try my best maybe go over more interview questions watch interviews look up the lab techniques required for the job in case I have any questions I would think it would be a red flag for any employer I was interviewing with if I asked them if I could record my self I was thinking of teaching but do not think I have the temperament to deal with kids or young adults allday. I will Pm you I don't come on here as much though and have to delete some of my messages.
  24. Im so p***** off, right now im shaking with rage , im so sick of being poor so sick of trying and not getting anywhere, I had a interview at Starbucks I went dressed nice I was confident felt like I gave a great interview I talked about my past experience in retail and how it related to the position why I wanted to work there, etc. It's been a week and a half, they haven't gotten back to me so thats more of my time wasted, It just makes me so ****ing mad they interview and don't think I have the capability the experience or competence to serve ****ing coffee. I had another interview last week at a hospital to clean surgery tables overnight, i have my degree in biology and would like to get a job in a lab or get further qualifications to fill other positions at a hopstial so, I think to myself this is great, the hospital is literally a minute away from my house, my professors who taught at my university work there as doctors some of my classmates are there, my friends dad is there. I feel like I gave one of my best interviews I got a short haircut, wore a nice suit went in confident had a strong handshake and I felt like I gave my best interview had good chemistry with the interviewer, yet im preemptively mad i won't get the job again. I have been going to my therapist, im doing emdr now and he is really helping me every therapy session I go into a rage when I describe my childhood to him he is helping me work through it though. He has me to some type of mediation and I just describe what pops in, we are slowly working thru my traumatic memories from childhood. Everytime I go to a job interview and don't get hired I feel the same kind of rage I have towards my father. Its so intense it blinds me from thinking or functioning.I just feel like my whole being is devoid of anything except anger. Im just waiting for it to subside so I can think clearly. I figured if I vented on here that would get help me emotionally regulate.
  25. I had such a strong feeling of disgust learning about that trash i hope they start lynching the KKK and neo nazis like they used to do to black people, just thinking about it makes me angry. That piece of trash rode into those people just like someone in isis, what really disgusts me are people trying to defend him, my father did the nazi salute when I came past to aggravate me he is such a piece of crap. I hope they smash those confederate statues into a thousand piece, if I was in charge I would publicly hang that terrorist so the whole world could see.
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