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scienceguy

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Posts posted by scienceguy

  1. If it makes you feel better im not ugly and no one gives a shit about me, atleast if I was ugly I could blame not being able to build relationships with women on that. Instead of me being a mentally ****ed up person that can't maintain relationships with anyone. I see guys way uglier then me with women and it makes me feel like shit.

    I know if I tried harder didn't fear rejection and or commitment I could have dated tons of women by my age(28). Yet I fear any  kind of closeness with anyone so have no friends only acquaintances my life will only go down hill with age. I never had sex either on my birthday I get no calls or cards from anyone. I have nothing to share with anyone anymore and part of it is my fault always finding reasons to dislike people or be judgmental because of jealously, I am a bitter lonely asshole more devoid of empathy then my father who abused me. I came on here to post because I feel trapped in my situation I just can't get over my fears of intimacy so find reasons to reject everyone 

    It is better to be ugly on the outside then the inside like me and end up completely alone with you not giving a shit about anyone else, and no one else giving a shit about you. 

     

  2. 23 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

    The posts above are mentioning daily issues that seem monumentally difficult when one is depressed. I'm fully on board with that...

    Cleaning the apartment is a horrendous undertaking for me. Even something as simple as the bathroom sink. I used to be good at keeping everything up. Now my place looks like a disaster area. I'm in this never-ending "meh" mode of existence.

    "The place is a horrifying mess!"

    "Meh. Who cares? Ain't nobody coming by to visit".

    My garbage disposal went south on me two weeks ago. Now I cannot use the kitchen sink's drain. So I put a dishpan inside the sink and wash everything in it. Then I pour the spent water into the toilet, and wash out the pan in the shower. The reason? I don't want my landlord coming into the apartment to replace the garbage disposal and seeing what kind of chaos I live in.

    lol are you me I think the exact seem thing you should see my passenger seat it's filled with coca cola cans up to the seat I tell myself I'll clean it tomorrow and its been about two months my mother saw it and had a fit I told her I just don't give a shit because no one has been in the passenger seat for years except my siblings who I tell to stamp on the cans because im a lazy asshole

  3. It would certainly help me my therapist agreed with me that almost 90% of my problems would go away, I was driving my car on empty with not a dollar in my account or a piece of food in my fridge yesterday I have to go over my parents house just to get food. I despise going there and would rather be on the street then live with them I have a degree that hasn't helped me get a job yet 20,000 debt in loans a couple thousand in credit card debt, medical bills from when I was sent to outpatient when I said I was suicidal I have been single most of my life have no friends anymore because I have barely have money to leave my house I eat pasta for 0.79$ most of the week I spend more money on my cat to eat then myself. I pretty much just apply for jobs play ps4 games I got with gift cards for my birthday, and watch tv in my condo. I had a dream I found 10 dollars in my pants pocket I woke up so happy then disappointed when I came to the realization it was a dream. I would be ecstatic if I found another job it would be like winning the lottery.

  4. 4 hours ago, RiverLight said:

    It's official. I hate my job. I've been there seven months and now I see how haphazardly then run the operation. It's terrible. NO organization. I don't want to be there anymore. I pray an interview comes through for me with this other top notch company. I PRAY. I need to leave. I cannot stand being there anymore. 

    I hear you I just came home from work to say the same thing I hate some of the managers at my job and customers I sometimes go in to work shaking with rage knowing im underpaid doing a pos dead end job. I have to hide my anger to deal with everyone and feel like a robot all day. People gossip like their in ****ing high school I always assume they are talking about me because of my paranoia and hate seeing them at the end of the store talking and whispering to each other like children. I hate my life I have nothing nice to say anymore so I keep to myself most of the time, otherwise im just bitching and complaining or I pretend like im listening to people and try to act like I care. It takes so much work for me to just put on the act of a normal mentally healthy human being.

     

  5. On 1/29/2019 at 6:39 PM, Extremebeginner said:

    Love yourself first, acknowledge only those around you that you like

    That is what I do now, no more going out of my way to impress people or faking interest in people who don't give a shit about me hoping that they'll give me a chance, I am the one who gives people a chance now, people think im weird people think im not cool my life uninteresting im a loser for the position I landed myself that I have no friends im not close to my family well they can all **** off I go about my life say what ever the hell I want If im the only one who likes me so be it I am great!

  6. The human race only exists because of how good we are at surviving we killed most other hominids and other species nature is inherently violent, human nature is evil most people are dangerous predators that haven't gotten past their natural instincts to dominate and destroy. History is filled with genocides, war, dictatorships on every continent  people have to make a conscious effort to be good most people  are to lazy or don't care so they just do the bare minimum so they don't go to prison and pretend they have morals to look good and make their lifes easier.

  7. My day wasn't bad today I got a job at the Huntington learning center as a Science Tutor it is only 2-10 hours a week so I have to keep my shitty grocery store Job. I have another interview next week so maybe I can get that job to. I feel so depressed tonight despite that getting the job I wanted. Now im just waiting for my trazdone to kick in so I can go to bed.

  8. On 1/13/2019 at 8:27 PM, bluextreme999129 said:

    Hello, I just want to say that I have been depressed for 7 years.  I am 29.  I have never had a meaningful relationship or sex and I don't understand why.  I am crying as I write this.  Women usually just treat me like I don't even exist, and a lot of the time treat me like garbage or manipulate me.  I have felt lonely since I was 19, and I feel like I never will be able to have a sexual connection with women in the future.  For 10 years I have wondered why I have lots of male friends, and even lots of close ones, and not even one relationship. I feel so lonely, hopeless and depressed.  I can't wait to commit suicide, and not have to suffer living this horrible life that I have lived for 10 years.  Even drugs and alcohol don't help the pain in the long run.  I just want to point a fully-loaded 45-caliber handgun at my head and pull the trigger, like I probably should have done long before this.  **** my life.

    I feel you im 28 and a virgin except I have no friends my therapist thinks I might have ptsd I don't get along with anybody I feel  alot of anger jealousy and rage that makes me unable to maintain any relationships with anyone. All my money goes towards my bills and I live on under 40 dollars a week for gas and food. I just survive day to day looking for another job so I have more money. Idon't even think about dating anymore I have no money to do anything and my future seems very dark so I can relate to your feeling of hopelessness. I feel bad talking to people because I make them depressed if I talk about my life so I tend to avoid complaining at all as it has gotten me nowhere. You have people that care about you suicide is a permanent solution to a problem that can be fixed. Do you have a good Job disposable income if not I would just use online dating or pursue a hobby that you can meet like minded women talk to them for a bit then ask them out it's worth doing even if you get reject making progress in your life is the best way to build self confidence do things even if you fear them or you think you will fail.

  9. I would say just not to reject opportunities if they present themselves to meet with a person at a place you want to be otherwise forget about it and focus on improving yourself getting more money, pursuing more hobbies, learning new things, express your opinions with no fear of social rejection see your self as a free man to create your own destiny it is to become who you want to be and meeting people along the way while you achieve your goals then to become who you think people want you to be, I feel very little loneliness at this point in my life even though at this point in my life im  technically more alone than any other time. I actually like the freedom of being able to talk to people with no expectations of a relationship or friendship forming I can move from group to group learning about different people having different conversations but never being tied down to any expectations or commitments.

  10. Im pissed off and fed up of my life, it sucks in almost everyway possible, not only that but Its like im stuck in quick sand I have tried so hard to improve my living circumstances but fail everytime way more than any one else I know I have to be the biggest failure in the world. some people fail because they don't even try, but I fail because I **** up everything I do no matter how hard I try to get better at things I screw them up. No matter how much advice I follow or things I try my life just contentiously gets worse never better, im 28 now I dread thinking about how much worse it will get in the future. It seems like I have no future to look forward to just misery. 

  11. Im very ****ing depressed and angry I despise my life with every ounce of my being if I had a easy way to **** myself I probably would have done it tonight, my life is a blackhole that never gets better I told my coworkers I would rather have one of my limbs amputated with no anesthesia then have to go back to work tomorrow. I am ****ed buried in debt no one gives a shit about me **** the employers not hiring me I honestly am so mad I would be happy to see their companies go out of business im such a shitty spiteful person. Nothing gets better it always gets worse. I don't want to talk or see anyone I have nothing nice to say or be happy about so I am trying to keep my mouth shut around everyone now. I have to get up for work tomorrow and act like im still sane. I just wish I could run away sadly their is no escape from any of my problems right now.

  12. Got my rejection after another job interview honestly it feels ****ing pointless,Im almost 28 and this ****ing bulls*** is holding back my whole life I went to college had volunteer experience office experience, *** I have barely enough  money for food I have over 25,000$ in debt. I have been on over 30 interviews by now since graduating two years ago went to tons of temp agencies, interview practice, I have a headhunter applying for jobs for me I am held back by everyone else's opinions of me I try to be as positive kind and upbeat as I can, I read about the companies before I go have a list of questions that I pick from to ask at the end I have an answered prepared for every question I check with career councilors to make sure im giving good answers it all feels pointless I am screwed im going to end up homeless if this continues in the future, with people giving me s***ty advice like im an ***** and judging me. Arggh im so Frustrated I feel like kicking a whole in my wall!

  13. I feel Sad I haven't been on here for almost a year because my medications and new therapist have been working, I hate my s***ty grocery store job I had a interview for a production assistant at a microbiology lab that went well. I hate working in the same s***ty jobs I was before college and in my early 20's im sick of being around people who aren't intellectually curious about anything, im lonely but I find most people so boring, naive, bland, cruel, and simple minded that trying to form relationships with anyone feels like a chore. I am thankful im single and friendless I would be suicidal if I was socially obligated to communicate with any of my coworkers or most people I talk to in public at my job and when I go out. Does that make me a Narcissist? I don't think I care about any of my family members besides my siblings either.

    I feel so old to be working in these stupid s***ty jobs still and find 95% of people barely tolerable does that make me depressed or a a******.

  14. On 1/21/2018 at 2:04 AM, wacko said:
    Advertisement

    Hello to everyone

     

    I was wondering how people deals with social isolation? How bad can be and how long can last.

     

    I been thinking in myself and I already don't find any valid reason I before long time ago had some friends , some that in 2004 I met and with the time just i don't know what happened but I went away from everyone and friends I avoided social interactions as much as I could do and now that I asked by explanations to a friend that was ignoring me over those messaging apps I have realized that I been isolated from people and friends by over 14 years and I don't find an explanation to that I feel somewhat frustrated and that I wasted time. In just avoid all the contact with people, I don't know if it's normal in bipolar disorder that of isolate people and I'm confused why or how could happen the fact that I got locked within myself.

     

     

    I m bipolar and ended up the same way the last time I visited a friend was two years ago, before I was diagnosed and medicated i would go on facebook about my si when depressed ,than start condemning everyone in my life when I was manic delete them from my facebook then put them back on I must have looked like a nutcase, I told everyone I was putting myself in IOP because I was ignored I told my one friend from childhood I was dx bipolar than he stop responding to my messages now that im a cocktail of moodstablizers and anti depressants I rarely act the same way and have much shorter bouts of depression/ mania.I talk to quite alot of people despite that I see my therapist every week and always get along well with my coworkers. I have made alot of friends but they would usually only last 3 months at the max. It would probably be different now that im medicated but I am content being alone for now. I make sure now to never tell people im bipolar because im stable now so they won't even realize it unless I tell them and it's not worth ruining my reputation and having others make assumptions. It is very common for bipolar people to be isolated though based on what I have read.

  15. I would try online dating websites I used them and managed to get a few dates I was unemployed on break from my college a year and a half ago and got alot of replies I graduated my parents moved in with me and im in a ton of debt so I stopped trying to date at all because I was putting myself in more credit card debt and when I told the girl I was seeing, we need to start spliting the bill when we go out because my money was tight she stopped texting me I didn't care though because I started college again and wasn't in to her because she was to masculine,she told me she used to be a bodybuilder and would dehydrate her muscles and her father was a drill Sargent she was nothing like her profile so we just stopped communicating after a 2 months.

    I don't think you would have problems since you seem to have your life together more than me especially since your looking for girls that don't drink or do drugs you could use the filter to find girls who don't drink or smoke.I think woman would be interested in someone who did martial arts. Expect to send alot of messages though and to you need to have a thick skin becausealot of woman ignore messages or will be flaky.

  16. Yes i am a very irritable person, I feel like my natural state is to be angry with everyone or annoyed i feel uncomfortable if im getting along with my family, I was raised in a dysfunctional family so i feel lost when everyone is at peace or not fighting im 27 and lost all my friends years ago I talk to tons of people but keep them at a distance, im used to being alone now where it feels unnatural for me to have friends or family and getting along with them. I get along well with the coworkers I had and my classmates  in college and people i met when I went to group therapy but still feel bitterness over my childhood and disappointment with what I have accomplished so far in life I feel like im always in a  competition that im losing at with everyone.

  17. 2 hours ago, Chubbybunny89 said:

    Thanks guys. I'll look into it. I don't have an aversion to people, just my OCD and germphobia might cost me a regular job. I also can't drive, and that is a big issue since there's very very limited public transit where I live.

    You can all ignore this next bit, I just need to rant and don't wanna start a new thread.

    I'm slowly losing the desire to get a job. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I'm stubborn and entitled.I mean I worked in research labs in college, and now I'm being told to get a job at Target by the people I know. I just don't see any reason to be a freaking cashier when my partner who wants to make a future with me makes three to four times the amount I am ever capable of making. I know I sound like a gold-digging ***** right now, but for real, no one wants to work retail or food service. Most people hate their jobs anyways, my anxiety issue would just amplify in those settings. Why would I want to work? Seriously why? If I can't do what I loved doing and got an education for then why slave away making minimum wage when married to someone who makes enough for both of us? I know feminism, being independent, don't rely on a man blah blah look I'm tired. I'm tired, depressed, frustrated and it has come to the point where I want to just be happy. I don't mind being some freaking housewife. I see myself being happier in that role than slaving away in retail. I would rather spend time with family, working on side projects, writing etc.. maybe find some convention or lecture to go to in order to stay informed in my field than work Black Friday at Wal-Mart. I grew up seeing my mom miss Thanksgiving, work days on end and still have financial problems. It's not worth it. Yeah, I made a mistake racking up debt from college I likely won't be able to pay off. Yea I know I should be hardworking, and have dignity. But you know- I feel embarrassed. I would rather, by choice stay home and raise a family or whatever, than have to tell my Doctor sister-in-law that I wait tables. Or have people look at him, the engineer, and see me, the Target cashier. Let me make this clear-I do not look down on anyone who performs in these jobs. What my issue is is that I went from feeling like I could be someone, being very happy in science to miserable crushed dreams etc.. I did not go to college to find work, I went to college because I love science. Yeah that's probably the worst reason to pursue an education- "passion". 

    Am I wrong? Am I a terrible person? Of course, if I was struggling and he wasn't so well off I would get any job. But given the choice where he is doing alright, I just don't see how it is logical to make myself miserable. I mean, I've been a stay at home whatever off and on between my crappy part-time jobs anyway. I realize I have a lot of freetime. And using that to apply to jobs, cry and be miserable is wasting my life. I should use it to learn languages, start projects, write my book, etc.. Things I wouldn't have time to do if I had to work 6 days a week for 9/hr. I realize I probably sound like a brat. Sure maybe I'm a moocher, but the dude gets his laundry and dishes done by someone else. Meals cooked, I clean up after him begrudgingly cause honey I am not truly submissive, but I would rather do this than deal with "I want to talk to a manager!" "A kid threw up on the slide go clean it!" "Your bills are overdue")

    I mean, look I consider myself a feminist by the original definition. However, I do feel pressured. I feel feminism should have given us the choice that if we want to work we should be able to etc.. not that we have to. Cause trust me 90% of people in the world work because they have to not because they want to. And you what, it should be the same for guys too. If you want to be a stay at home dad/boyfriend there shouldn't be an issue. Just find a partner who is okay with it. Why is everyone expected to work the traditional rat race? Hard work does not pay off anymore. That only wokred in the 50's. These days people can work 3 jobs and live paycheck to paycheck. Starve or be tied to a crappy job. 

    I feel I will be looked down on less if I have made a choice rather than being some failure who could never get a real job despite having gone to college. "Oh you studied this and now you flip burgers! And you're in debt! Yay you!" It's very frustrating. It's so frustrating that I have resorted to ironing shirts (literally) and acting like some submissive bleck... Yeah I wanna be self sufficient. But I haven't seen a way yet. Heck, if I just team up with this dude we can make phone apps together, buy a condo and rent it out etc... I could have earning potential then. But I don't see it by me applying and applying and applying. Most people I know either were engineers or in medicine or they knew someone who knew someone or their uncle worked at the business etc.. Rarely does anyone get a good deal through this annoying application process. Hell, I feel I could do better if face to face drop ins were still a thing.

    Okay I'm done ranting. Feel free to be brutally honest. I need to hear it. Am I wrong for feeling this way? 

    I literally feel and think the same way as what you right it does feel awful to at a minimum wage job with a bunch of people that don't even have there Ged's and have criminal records like I did when I worked at a ****ing gas station with my bachlors in biology I took the most difficult classes possible and had no life in college took hard science classes for my electives. I always feel like i have to prove im going to get a better job and im always bringing up interviews i get because I feel like I have to defend myself.

    Maybe try to get a job in a upscale clothing store or restaurant why haven't you gotten your license yet Germophobia or a fear of driving. I would still get a job what if you and your boyfriend break up, I would think that would cause alot of tension eventually and employers don't like to see big gaps in unemployment.

  18. 8 hours ago, CoolCat7 said:

    I hate being on meds. There are some herbal supplements I want to take but I'm afraid of the possibility of interaction.  I will ask my pharmacist but I know what she's going to say...

    Be careful if you take st johns wort, when I took it, it sent me into episodes of intense manic rage. Its ridiculous the government doesn't regulate something that could be so dangerous.

  19. i haven't been on here in a while, but i feel a little better i got a seasonal job at Bonton and have a interview at a hospital for a lab assistant position. I feel old I know im not I just turned 27 last week and im reevaluating my life. I can't believe im working minimum wage still after graduating from college a year and a half ago. i can't give up and will keep applying and getting what ever licences I need in the future to work in medicine, its my calling I have to do it since I was a little boy I always wanted to be a scientist and work in a lab when I had a temp job working in a lab i felt settled in life I felt there were alot of career paths that I could advance into, I got the same feeling when volunteering at hospitals that I have more empathy then the average person so it is my duty to help people. I just need money im buried debt from the money i owe my parents, student loans and credit card debt everybody keeps telling me to give up that college was a waste of money, my father says to forget about getting a job in what I went to school for and just to get a normal job, I would rather die than giveup on getting the career I want I don't want kids im single all i have are my aspirations if gave up on that I would have nothing left to keep me going. i just wish I could go back to when I was younger and gotten treatment for my bipolar sooner, I would have accomplished so many more goals than I have at 27.

  20. You will get a job just don't give up and try to improve yourself a little each day anyone who has been successful just has a higher tolerance for failure I have sent well over 1000 applications gone over 25 interviews and just got rejected again this week but I will not give up even if I new failure was guaranteed I would fight for where I wanted to be in life till I die . I failed my driving test 8 times well beyond anyone I know i was 22 when I finally got it. i got put on academic probation when I was younger and told myself I was to stupid to get my degree I eventually got it I retook organic chemistry 3 times but I got my bachelors despite what I told myself . To hell with what everyone thinks, just pursue what you want we all end up in the same place it doesn't matter what you achieve its that you accept the journey and can enjoy the path that life takes you, go outside enjoy the trees, notice the different flowers, the clouds the animals, the wind, and the sun.  Do things and don't worry about the outcome people who worry about being successful are robbing themselves of joy.

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