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crewneck

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Everything posted by crewneck

  1. Not bad. For all of 2021 I felt terrible but I decided to go back on antidepressants after hitting my lowest point. So glad I did, I feel better these days.
  2. Good night DF. I hope one day life brings everyone everything they ever wished for, even if that isn't now. I know one day life will bring happiness to everyone here.
  3. Today I realized how badly broken I really have been inside. I feel like I never really knew how much hot water I have really been till I had another blow to my heart today. I realized that I can't do this alone anymore. No one in my life really knows how deeply wounded I really feel. Not even me I guess. I just can't take it anymore. I'm writing this now kinda tipsy so I apologize if I end up making any mistakes in my writing. I want to believe there is hope and I will one day get past this nightmare of a reality but I sit here crying not knowing how to get out of this dark dark hole. I can't see a future for myself but I want to believe there is one. I just can't feel it. I wish this pain would go away. I just want to end it all sometimes. I don't even know where I went wrong. Where do I even go from here? I have so much to be thankful for but why don't I feel it? I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. It feels like I'm being burnt by fire and I'm willing to do anything to get away from this unbearable pain. I never thought I was going to live to 28 years old. I'm surprised but I feel like another 5 years sounds horrible. I never understood why people wanted to live to an old age. I feel like life feels like a living hell. The more I experience, the more I question why I bother to stay here on earth. My mind is torturing me and I just don't know how to go on every time life throws me a curve ball. I don't understand how people go through life smiling. I feel like every time something terrible happens to me people think I got over it but honestly it kills a part of me inside every time and I don't feel like I can bare the pain anymore. I just act like it didn't bother me but in actuality it made a huge wound in my heart. I feel like something is wrong with me. Why do I feel so much more than other people? It's a curse more than a blessing. I'm not even sure what I'm saying anymore. I think I'm really losing it. I'm just babbling at this point. Normally I would say I'm sorry to everyone for wasting their time reading this post but I don't even have the energy anymore to care for anything. I just hope if one day if I don't make it out of this depression alive I just hope everyone knows how deeply I cared for the people in my life and I wish everyone in this forum all the happiness they think they don't deserve. I truly believe everyone here deserve the world and so much more. Thanks for reading.
  4. I feel dead inside. I ended things with my friends with benefit yesterday but my hurt isn't even about him. It's more like the hope I had. I liked him but I knew it wouldn't go any further than that. I knew that from the start. He was very honest with me and I knew what I was signing up for. In the back of my mind I really wanted a relationship with him to get my mind off of my ex. FYI it didn't work. It helped distract me from my ex from time to time but I still anyways thought about her regardless. I don't recommend trying to distract yourself with another person. You just end up getting heartbroken twice...at the same time. I hope one day I can get over all the people in my past. I know deep down I'm not over her because I haven't fully accepted it even though it's been 5 years. Because I truly loved her and we were best friends since childhood. FYI I don't recommend ever dating your best friend either. Please learn from my mistakes to save yourself the heartache.
  5. I'm not sure, sometimes I like myself. I like myself a lot better than the old version of me. I think from all the hurt and trauma I have experience in my life, it has made me a better person. But, also from that trauma I feel more damaged and don't know how to overcome it so I hate that about myself. I've become stagnant and I've been having a hard time getting myself out from that. That part I really hate.
  6. My loved ones. Without them I would be a shell of a person.
  7. I'm grateful for my family, friends, and health.
  8. The feeling of not being good enough.
  9. I keep having dreams about people I'm trying to take my mind off of. I love sleep, it helps me forget about the world for a little while but once I wake up my heart is pounding and I recall the dreams I had. It's like torture.
  10. Thank you WOTL, I enjoy reading longer posts like this. It makes me realize someone actually cares enough for me to take the time to write to me. I hope your journey with depression is looking better than it use to. It's so hard to deal with. I also enjoy driving around. It feels calming to drive just to drive. Maybe I should try it some time to help get my mind off of things.
  11. Thank you Epictetus for your kind words. I remember you were one of the people that commented on my cry for help posts back in 2012. I never forgot that. Your present on this forum doesn't go unnoticed. Thank you.
  12. I feel like I'm just word vomiting because of the level of pain I feel in my heart and mind. I'm so tired...I feel like I reverted back to the level of depression I had that started in 2012. I didn't think I was going to live to this day to be honest. I was dead inside for years. I saw no hope. I've always been extremely scared to fall back that low. I thought I was doing good but it creeped up on me over the year and hit me like a ton of bricks. I just want this pain to end. My anxiety isn't helping either. It just adds to the feeling of "I don't think I'll ever overcome this...or at least come back as a whole person". That level of depression killed parts of me as a person. I wouldn't want my worst enemy to feel that way...I can't believe I'm back to square one. I'm not sure how I'll make it out alive. I want to cry for help but I don't know what anyone can do for me. I want someone to be by my side and never leave. I want them to tell me that everything is going to be ok. I remember being here crying out for help back in 2012. My most extreme message ended up getting deleted and I ended up in the psych ward against my own will shortly after. I'm scared to be there again. I feel like I'm already there. I wake up frequently with my heart beating out my chest and an overwhelming feeling of dread. I just wish I was dead. This is just too painful to go through again.
  13. Wondering where I went wrong. I haven't felt this depressed in years...I few posts ago I was on top of the world. Maybe that was just the start of my downfall.
  14. Today my coworker told me I'm very kind, smart and beautiful. I honestly barely get compliments about my character, it's usually always about looks. I don't really value those type of compliments as much. So it was really nice to hear.
  15. I've left a job abruptly like that as well. I wouldn't say it was from depression but I wasn't in the right state of mind at that time. I was really overwhelmed and a lot was going on back then. I do regret how I left because my friend at the time got me the job and she wasn't too happy about it but I don't want to regret it even if it wasn't favourable. I hope you don't let it get to you too much. I try not to think about it too hard because it lead you to where you are now. At that moment in time it was the best decision for you. In my case, that friend ended up to be a total backstabber, was secretly jealous of me, and wanted to watch me burn so looking back I don't regret it too much when it comes to that department lol
  16. Goodnight everyone on DF! I hope everyone has sweet dreams and a lovely day tomorrow. A big hug for everyone and even bigger one for everyone who really needs it
  17. Goodnight everyone. Hopefully we won't feel as crummy tomorrow as we do today. Remember it's a bad day not a bad life.
  18. It's so tempting to want to look for that but from my experience I always get disappointed from boys in real life. I think sticking to romance books is the best option.
  19. I feel like I'm just trying to keep busy. I'm feeling depressed again. I keep thinking what's the point of this life? I don't exactly want to die but all I'm doing is working, missing people, and watching videos to pass time in life. It feels meaningless. We just do this over and over till years pass until we die. I just don't get the point of it. Thinking back at my later posts I feel like I'm a totally different person. I hate this yo-yo effect of feeling okay one day and depressed all the other days. It's exhausting...I'm trying to tell myself it's just a bad day not a bad life...but I'm been depressed for years. So when will that ever end?
  20. Super hot in the day time and heavy rain in the evening.
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