Hello fellas, Long story ahead. I have experienced depression and anxiety since I was 8 (now 26). I sometimes go through really tough times, and I'm not really looking for advice. I just hope someone out there is wiling to hear my story. So, a few years ago, I fell for a woman pretty hard (I'll call her Susan). She reciprocated the feelings, and we ended up being an item. Then, one night about a year and a half ago, she was hit by a car. Due to her injuries, she struggled to even get up in the night to use the washroom. At the time, she was living with my family in my home, so I became the primary care taker. Her mental and physical state were not in a good place. I would keep my phone next to me at night while I slept (she slept in a separate room) so I would be able to answer the phone in the middle of the night to escort her to the washroom - she couldn't go on her own. I helped her bathe and helped her with her recovery as much as possible (ensuring she kept moving, taking walks with her while she got used to a walker, etc.). I helped to make sure she was fed, and gave her financial support whenever possible. I made sure she contacted her lawyer when she needed to, and set up her doctor appointments. After a few months of this, we decided to break up. It was mutual. Our relationship had changed - it was now just far too one-sided. I was like a PSW, not a partner. It was a sad moment. Fast forward to the past couple months. She has moved out on her own, and she can walk on her own just fine. She finished school and got a job right out of the gate. She and I remained close friends the entire time (even being intimate at times - I know that's not always a good idea, but humans don't always make smart decisions). We still enjoy each others company a lot, but the sex and intimacy has stopped almost completely. So last night, for the first time in a long time, I had the chance to make love with another woman I will call her Jane, and I did. It was strange. We had been drinking (there was consent among both of us to engage, no worries there), but I could not... get it up. It could have been the alcohol, but I think part of me was ashamed for what I was doing. I tried so hard to enjoy it, but I just couldn't get into it the way I would have liked to. It was embarrassing, to say the least. Jane was super nice about it, and didn't shame me at all. Still, I woke up today feeling a panic attack coming on. As stupid as this sounds, I called Susan and told her what had happened. Despite us being broken up for a long time, I felt as though I was cheating on her! She did not feel that was the case, and I went to her place, where she and I talked about what had happened. She was not angry, and she didn't shame me at all either. She hugged me as I cried, and we ended up watching cartoons for a couple hours. Susan doesn't hate me, and neither does Jane. Yet I feel such incredible shame for what I've done. I have been on the verge of tears all day, and I lost the motivation to do almost everything. Last night was an attempt to try new things - to have my needs met, but I feel as though I wasn't able to retain my dignity in doing so. It's so strange - no one is upset with what I've done, and yet I hurt. I figure I have residual feelings for Susan. I guess I invested so much into that relationship that I feel as though anything I do with another is a betrayal. Thanks for reading my story. I just needed to tell someone. I am going to try my hardest to manage and cope with this pain. Having someone respond may help.