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Phoney Bone

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  1. "This time of year is stressful if you partake, and stressful you don't". That's it exactly. I can relate to every reply here, thanks it's nice to speak with like minds. I also wrote thank-you cards as a kid, but only because mother forced me to. I was a greedy as any other middle class kid in the '80s. I bet it's so much worse now. A funny thing happened, I had been taking vitamin D to deal with the seasonal darkness but it clearly wasn't helping. Well the other day I looked closer to the label. Vitamin E! Gee Whiz! Don't ask me how I missed that. It's only been three days on actual vitamin D and it has made a startling difference! I'm now a believer. My chest anxiety has eased off considerably. I'm still down, I'm still scared of Xmas, but I feel like I can cope a little better now. My boyfriend is truly kind. He's going to lie for me to his family, tell them I have left town earlier than I actually will. I can skip the family Christmas. It sounds messed up though, that it's come down to this. I'd love to hear from more people about what they think of Christmas.
  2. You may actually be ugly but I'm guessing that it's your anger that makes people avoid you. I personally react to how people make me feel instinctively, more than what they look like.
  3. I guarantee you that those cashiers, tellers, taxi drivers, secretaries you see hate their jobs too. Are their any jobs that aren't monotonous? I think life is hard for intelligent people in this way. I hear people describing owning their own business as a very creative task.
  4. Do you know who Dan Savage is? He writes a sex/relationship advice column and also does an advice podcast. He's gay and talks about just about anything in a very practical way. He's funny too. He talks to teenagers in your situation A LOT. You might try telling him exactly what you wrote here, I know he'd help you figure out how to handle things. You could even write a letter the old fashioned way and mail it if you can't get electronic privacy from your parents. Paper mail is still private! There might be a free newspaper in your town that prints his column. He started something called the "It Gets Better Project" to help LGBT teenagers get through the hardest years of their lives. Look that up on Youtube, I bet your parents wouldn't realize what it is about. There is an organization called PFLAG that is supportive parents and families of LGBT teenagers. They have chapters all over North America, you might find some help there. I don't know much about it. There must be computers at school you can use to research these things, your parents can't monitor you there. They ARE mistreating you. There is nothing wrong with you. Taking your bedroom door off is extreme to say the least. Be strong, soon enough you'll be able to move out of there, and get a job and be free! When I was in high school we didn't have internet or anything. We all snuck around a lot, We would throw pebbles at our friends windows to get their attention, we'd talk to friends in person, pass notes in class, leave notes in lockers. Social media is only one way to communicate, don't forget. The worst thing about the way stuff is these days is how easily we are tracked!!
  5. I get winter depression like clockwork. It's the worst during the years that I live in this rainy coastal city of gloom and yuppies. Some winters are spent in a fun town where I can downhill ski and that helps a lot. But it still gets me. I live in this city for work; it's a desk job that makes me feel lazy and physically gross. The motivation to be active isn't there much beyond walking. Where to go? It's dark, it's raining and cold. The gym is just not the place for someone like me. I have so little time anyway. Things become the worst near Christmas time. My dread starts in October and kicks in hard when the stores start playing music and doing tacky displays. I feel like there are many perfectly acceptable reasons to despise Christmas. It's just a celebration of the worst part of our culture: compulsive materialism. I feel an existential terror when people around me snicker and make jokes about the Black Friday tramplings and stabbings, as if it's just one more thing to entertain us. As if it doesn't signal the steep decline of the West and the things we like about it. The pressure of conformity is immense. To say out loud "I hate Christmas" seems to evoke a visceral reaction in people, I can't believe how few people truly agree with me! It's like they are insecure about it, do they know deep down that it's actually bad? I can't say anything bad about the family aspect of Christmas, if it works for yours, power to you I guess. My family was fairly dysfunctional which is probably the origin of this stuff. I gave up on partaking in many of the rituals years ago. My family doesn't expect anything from me now. For that I feel ashamed. For some reason I find it unbelievably difficult to even mail a card to someone. I always have great intentions of drawing some and including a little letter. Sometimes I get half done, but it's rare that it's completed. When it comes to buying gifts and acknowledging people, I seem to have an irrational phobia or something! I'm terrified to watch someone react to a gift I have chosen. I feel stupid, embarrassed, I worry they'll fake pleasure. What do you buy for someone who has everything? Everyone I know has a house full of stuff! So much stuff! I can't make them something, I can't get past this wall in my mind. I've been riding this for years in such a way as to diminish people's expectations of me. But now, I'm in a relationship with a NORMAL GUY. He's functional, regular, fairly conventional. So is his family. He's got two kids. I feel deeply embarrassed that I can't pretend and go through the motions and do the bare minimum of Christmas crud with them. I'm embarrassed to explain how inept I feel, how low and sad, how afraid. I feel tremendous pressure (mostly from myself) to try to partake, do their dinner thing, to buy his kids some toys. I managed to buy stuff last year, but I don't know that they really liked what I got. They get SO much stuff from relatives, it's Fr***ing disgusting. I hate being part of this indoctrination. Christmas is not making those kids better people. And the stores! My god it's too horrible to step foot in a store or mall in December. I worry that I seem "weird" to his parents and siblings and his little kids just won't understand. This year I'm taking off to the ski town for 2 weeks and avoiding the whole thing. Thank GOD for that. But I feel very guilty about it. They aren't even my family! The ski town is where my "family" is, I built a life there for ten years. I don't want to do Christmas with those people either. I feel so much anxiety in my chest that never stops. I want to hide and be alone so badly. I wish I had a cabin in the woods. Do you have an irrational fear and hate of Christmas?
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