First 'blog' I've written figured it might help clear my mind a little, after all it's that time of the year when the vast majority of us sit down with a glass of alcohol (or a b0ng..) and reflect on the year gone by. Funny thing time, sometimes seconds feel like forever and months feel like days but for me they usually all bleed into one anyway only thing that changes is the weather and the only way of telling where one year ends and the next begins is by the stupidly loud celebrations. And on the weather that's grinded my gears this year.. the snow at the start was amazing but the summer was sooooo f**kin hot I HATE hot weather it melts my brain and it's not like I'm overweight or anything like that I just don't do well in it and it's a b!tch cause everyone and their dog looooooves summer ugh.. And speaking of summer it was then that I finally started to try and get some help for my depression and social anxiety (not really all my choice in some ways) and started on meds and it's been a trip and a half and another half from there to now lots of set backs pushing the dosage up and up. So where am I now? Well I just don't know I feel burned out I have moments when I think I'm getting better but it seems I'm just lying to myself.. I've really tried to get better and I haven't give up just yet in some ways its getting easier, I've noticed my emotions are very dulled at the moment, have been for awhile now and that makes it easier to just live.. But I'd be lying to myself again if I said they were gone because I know they are not. Taking each day as it comes but I have a habit of digging graves for myself and I'm not sure I'll be able to pull myself out of the latest one, I think I might lose my job and without it.. Well.. It's definitely a game changer.. Oh well not long to wait now one way or the other the sh!t will hit the fan anytime from the 30th which is 2 days from now. So why am I so calm..?