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Blog Entries posted by AintNoHer0

  1. AintNoHer0
    Never thought I'd say that, it's kind of a misnomer anyway it hasn't really gone anywhere it never did. But at least when it was there it was a constant. No ups just more things to pull it down before it returned back to just the usual day to day crap of life in my head. Then something changed. Something came into my life that while not being a cure all by any means made daily life easier.
    Wasn't too fun at first and it wasn't til the dose was over 100mg but after that, there was a quietness inside. Almost numbness but not completely. So the sorrow was still there but it was in the background. All emotions were still there but they were dampened, needing far more than before to get a reaction. And all was 'good'.
    So what went wrong? Why does it seem to be breaking down? It started with negative emotions, I started getting bursts of sadness that would come and go at random throughout the day sometimes for minutes others just seconds. Then all the other depression stalwarts came out, in burst form too since that seems to be my new thing. Fine. But where are the positive ones coming from? I'm not ready they mix in with the bad ones and it's like someones bouncing my brain off a wall sometimes..
    My theory is it might be joining here. I've let my filters drop and my guard down it's very disarming here. But judging by the T&C's this place is like the Greendale air conditioning repair school 'once you're in you're in for life'.
    I guess that's ok I got nowhere else to go I just wish there was some way of stopping my brain doing whatever the fcuk it's doing -.-
    There are other things that have changed lately. I think I'm allergic to happiness.
  2. AintNoHer0
    Sleep is not my friend. I struggle and struggle to obtain it sometimes not even getting it at all. Then even when I do my dreams or my nightmares or whatever the hell they are they're so real.. I am literally (and mean the word for it's actual definition) expending energy in them doing whatever it is I'm doing or stressing about in the dream. I can't count the amount of times I've jolted back to consciousness. Then after that it's either back to sleep pretty quick but usually straight back to where I left off in the dream or no more sleep and I have to get up and then wouldn't you know it can't keep my eyes open for work.
    It just seems to be getting worse. Maybe I'm losing it.
  3. AintNoHer0
    First 'blog' I've written figured it might help clear my mind a little, after all it's that time of the year when the vast majority of us sit down with a glass of alcohol (or a b0ng..) and reflect on the year gone by.
    Funny thing time, sometimes seconds feel like forever and months feel like days but for me they usually all bleed into one anyway only thing that changes is the weather and the only way of telling where one year ends and the next begins is by the stupidly loud celebrations. And on the weather that's grinded my gears this year.. the snow at the start was amazing but the summer was sooooo f**kin hot I HATE hot weather it melts my brain and it's not like I'm overweight or anything like that I just don't do well in it and it's a b!tch cause everyone and their dog looooooves summer ugh..
    And speaking of summer it was then that I finally started to try and get some help for my depression and social anxiety (not really all my choice in some ways) and started on meds and it's been a trip and a half and another half from there to now lots of set backs pushing the dosage up and up.
    So where am I now? Well I just don't know I feel burned out I have moments when I think I'm getting better but it seems I'm just lying to myself..
    I've really tried to get better and I haven't give up just yet in some ways its getting easier, I've noticed my emotions are very dulled at the moment, have been for awhile now and that makes it easier to just live.. But I'd be lying to myself again if I said they were gone because I know they are not.
    Taking each day as it comes but I have a habit of digging graves for myself and I'm not sure I'll be able to pull myself out of the latest one, I think I might lose my job and without it.. Well.. It's definitely a game changer.. Oh well not long to wait now one way or the other the sh!t will hit the fan anytime from the 30th which is 2 days from now.
    So why am I so calm..?
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