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Electra223k

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  1. I've been on a 10mg of escitalopram daily for almost two years now. My anxiety still flares from time to time but I'm no longer having bouts of sobbing, I can sleep at night, and can control my intrusive thoughts. It's still not quite enough since I have near anxiety attacks about normal things like social events. So, in light of this, my doctor has doubled my medication to no 20mg, and I have just started on the new dosage tonight I have slight fears about upping the medication. What if I never get off the medication? What about side effects? What if it changes me as a person? These are the sort of fears that stopped me from getting medication for years despite my anxiety and depression. On the other hand if it can stop the remaining anxiety I have I would be so grateful, and I don't know what I would do if I had to go off it completely; I can't go back to the way I felt before. I guess what I'm asking here if for others experience with the medication. I know some people have been on it longer, and/or have larger doses. So if I could hear others experiences that might ease me about my fears that would be appreciated. If you can't ease them please don't heighten them anymore, I don't need that right now, instead I ask that you say you can't recommend and give alternative I can pursue. Thank you.
  2. I've been depressed for a long time but it's never been as worse in the last year or two or three (it blends so much with how I felt before I can't tell exactly when it got worse, I'm not even sure how long I've been depressed). I feel empty, broken, just bereft of any motivation to do anything. I feel like nothing will get better and I know that's just my mind malfunctioning and making up lies but it's just I'm not sure what'll fix this at this point. I'm terrified, scared that at any moment someone's going to die or something bad's going to happen and I just won't know how to continue living. It's mostly environmental. My mother is an alcoholic and though she's been sober for the last year and a half I'm can't shake the fear she'll relapse. During the period when she was drinking I was constantly on the look out for whether she was drunk, finding her wine so I could dump it, and taking away her keys so she couldn't drive while drinking. I got very good at telling when she was anxious, when she was faking a smile, or when she even taken a sip of wine. Before my mother's alcoholic tendencies emerged my father lived with us. He was constantly unhappy with his life, . He was nice most of the time but if he ever got angry he started hitting. For the last two years he started yelling at me a lot causing me to tense up a lot. When he was gone I calmed down considerably, which made me view my "excitability" as a child in a very different light. Then there's my brother. When he was ten he was diagnosed with diabetes and from there was a spiral of troubles for him including a couple mental disorders as well as some traumatizing events that I won't get into. Like my father he became unsatisfied and angry especially at my mother for her drunkenness. Despite all of this, he is a kind soul, but perhaps a bit too trusting allowing some partners to take advantage of him. I've tried to be there for him as much as I can. Being older than him by a year we naturally became very close, he's my best friend. I've spent so many nights staying up late listening making sure he didn't have a seizure, so many nights worrying when he's going to off himself, so many nights thinking about the things he's gone through. Then there's my life itself. I have autism, spending my childhood without a proper diagnoses. This lead to poor grade, very few friends, and lots of isolation. I have had people scold me or yell at me for things I didn't understand, for acting in ways they felt I should already know. So sorry for the huge background but I wanted to get across where my feelings are coming from. I'm anxious, all the time. It never ends because I always have to be on alert. I have to talk right, act right, I need to make sure everyone's happy, I have to make sure no one yells at me, I have to make sure no one's going to die. I've become a bit of a control freak in a way, a perfectionist. I find myself 3 -5 times a day cringing over a mistake I made, and while I know everyone makes mistakes, I feel I can't afford to. I feel like every mistake I make irrevocably hurts someone. There's so many pain, it's unbearable. The worst thing, the worse thing of all, is that I have to live with it. I have to, there is no other option. It parts of my duty to make sure I don't cause any further pain (impossible I know) so I have to remain here. Spending so much time on earth while feeling like you don't deserve to, it's just a never ending nightmare.
  3. Speaking as someone who is myopic, who's mother and father is myopic, and who's two brother's are myopic; I'm pretty sure it has something to do with genetics, if not a lot. I know how you feel about diminishing eyesight. My mother's eyesight is really bad, my father eyesight is so bad he had to have cataract surgery, my eldest brother is going blind in one eye and my other brother has astigmatism. Right now I have the best vision in my family but odds are it's going to get just as bad. I try to find solace in my diminishing eyesight by realizing we live in a world with ever growing technology and advancements in optometry. Even right now there are a few different surgeries that can correct this problem. Plus, even if I do go blind there are so many ways to cope in this modern day it's not even funny. It honestly would be worst to go deaf at this point. Also, I heard that the myopic usually have higher intelligence, so maybe that just shows the human race is getting smarter. :) Oh, I just realized someone else said that already, oh well, my point stands.
  4. Can anybody recommend another place I can go cause I cut myself again and I'm not getting much help here.
  5. I've tried everything to lift my spirits but nothing seems to work. I getting into this sort of numb almost self pitying mode and I don't like it. Yesterday I tried cutting myself with a razor blade. I was only able to make very tiny cuts before I stopped myself. I'm tempted to try again; I know that won't change anything but I don't see the point not to. My problem is that I've never been happy, I guess. It's hard to explain because it not a constant pain, there are times when I'm happy, really happy in fact. It's just the times when I'm sad are such a pit of despair... It's a living hell. I know, I know, it's all very cliche what I'm saying. Unfortunately cliches are all I have to describe it. My words fail me and the best description I can give is a scream but that doesn't even make sense to me. So, what's causing my pain? Situation stuff. Problems with my predicament. What specifically, does it matter? It never changes, there's always something wrong. That's my problem, everybody always tells me the terrible things will pass but they never do. I don't know what it's like to live a life without the pain and I don't know if it's even possible. People, there's the rub. People hurting me, people in pain, I'm so hyper sensitive to everything that either way I get upset. I have words to describe my pain: unforgiving, unrelenting, undeniable, inescapable.
  6. I just think about how my mother would react to me going through with it, and the horror of that notion puts those kinds of thoughts far away from my mind.
  7. Yeah, I've been wondering if I'm bipolar but honestly my mood swings seem to have more to do with my situation. Like I'll get more depressed if my mom's drinking, or if I've had a fight with a friend, or whatever. Course I've cried out of the blue sometimes cause I start thinking about sad stuff, or sometimes I've been uncharacteristically happy. So maybe, but I really don't know enough about how to identify it. I know the symptoms but only a few of them describe me, and some of those can be explained with A.D.D. so I don't know.
  8. I want to address this, cause this is something that I might be able to give some insight on. Guys who've been into me don't talk to me normally, in fact they don't talk to me much, they mostly just listen to me and give me stuff. It's unsettling to me because there's something unnatural about that. Like who actually let's you talk for half an hour without chiming in with their own experience or changing the subject or whatever? I mean, it's polite but it's not how normal human beings interact with one another. I don't know if that's what you were doing, and honestly that wasn't my point anyways. I'm trying to say that people watch others's action and listen to what they're saying and extrapolate that so they can figure out what they're not saying. If there's something off about their behaviour, people pick up on that really quickly and they don't always know what to make of it. Maybe, just maybe, what the abusive men are saying, besides the lies and verbal abuse, are the things that are less open to interpretation, or maybe they're acting more natural.
  9. Why did you want a girlfriend when were 6 years old? And, if you've never had a girlfriend before, than how do you know getting one will make you happy?
  10. Dude, twenty-five isn't that old. Come back when you're forty and don't have a girlfriend. In fact, that's not a problem either cause guess what, you can still get a girlfriend even in your eighties. Plus, you have a bad attitude. If the only way you can have good self-esteem about yourself is by having a girlfriend, then you probably won't get a girlfriend. In order to have a relationship your partner has to believe in you and how can they believe in you if you don't even believe in yourself? You need to stop looking at women rejecting you as there being a problem with you, and start looking at it as a process. I hate to sound sexist, and what I'm about to say is going to sound very much so, but this is the way it's set up in this society and in this world. Woman are super selective, tediously so, because they don't want to get hurt. Now, that's true for some guys too, but, it seems it's more common in women. There's this fear of regret and bad memories. There's this fear that you're going to put all this effort and emotion into a relationship and then it's going to blow up. When you go into to kiss a woman she's probably thinking "Okay, is this too soon to be kissing? Does he always kiss other woman this soon? Or maybe he's trying to get into my pants as fast as possible? Or maybe, he never gets women so he's desperate. Maybe he only likes me cause he thinks I'm easy?" and other such things. And it sounds silly, and it is! But, that's a thing that happens. You've listed things you're good at but you never listed how reliable you as a partner. Are you gonna lose interest in a week? Are you with her only because you wanted a girlfriend? Do you genuinely like her? This is why they don't care if you can cook, I mean it helps definitely, it shows you have character at least, but it's not as important. Remember, the greatest chef in the world can still be a terrible person. You keep saying you think there's something wrong with you but did it ever occur to you that women don't know if you're a good person or not. They're not mind readers for gosh sakes, they can't see into your brain. They don't think you're a bad guy, they just don't know, and who would go into a relationship if they weren't sure of the other guy's intentions? It's just asking for trouble. You might think it's ridiculous, and it is, but people are needy, and selfish. Regardless of gender, people need reassurance, love, and to feel special. I'm sure that's what you want too. So how do you show you care? Well first off, care who you end up with. When you say "I can't girlfriend" you just sound you don't care who you get. It make it seem like this a game to you or some sort of trophy to be earned. If that's you're attitude than you should just stop looking right now. Nobody wants to be treated like a prize and relationships aren't a game. Secondly, don't think about yourself and what you're going to gain out of this. I know it's hard cause that's what everybody thinks about when going into a relationship but that's not about what a relationship is about. It's about putting your needs and wants aside for what they want. If you start thinking about them and not yourself, maybe they'll stop thinking about themselves and think about you, and then you'll have a girlfriend. Then again, that might not show you any affection and you could end up being single, but that's okay, cause you may not get what you want, but I think that's not what you need right now. I think you need to be okay with being with yourself first, cause that's what I think you need the most.
  11. I wanted to apologize for my appalling post early. It was rude, and was not warranted. At the time I felt frustrated because I keep coming here and mostly getting a sort "hang in there baby" attitude. Which is fine, I get people don't know what to say and are just trying to make me feel better, and I'm grateful for that. It's just, that's not what I want. And I know it's selfish and stupid, I just don't feel good after getting the responses I do get. I want to know why I feel this way. Some sort of logical or philosophical answer. I know there may not be one but I feel like that's the only way I can get some sort of comfort for this all. Anyways, to answer the questions I've been asked. My past, well, I was bullied for about eight years and my father was abusive occasionally. After he left my mother started drinking which lead later to my brother becoming suicidal and my other brother leaving, but he's a whole other story. I have been tested for and diagnosed with A.D.D.. They also tried testing me for asperger's but person who did the test refused to write a report and then I never got a real confirmation on whether I have that or not.
  12. Once on this other forum there was this one guy who would kept complaining about how short he was. Like, seriously, he made maybe twenty posts in a row about his height. He made three different threads about it, one about how he was thinking about getting bone surgery to become taller. He eventually got banned for constantly complaining about it. The moral of the story: it's better to be a short man than a whiny man. Seriously though, would you even want to be with a woman who's so shallow they decide to date you based on height? If anything this'll make it easier to find the right woman because she'll probably be the one who doesn't pass you up.
  13. I feel so miserable, not depressed exactly. I might be depressed but I can't tell. See, the problem with me is that I can never be miserable for very long. I stay upset for maybe an hour, two hours, at most a day but that only ever happened once. Then, suddenly, I feel happy, too happy. Like I can't even remember why I was upset in the first place. It bothers me, a lot. Cause I feel everything with such intensity, and it pains me so much, even the smallest things (usually the smallest thing). So, when something hurts me, and it always hurts me a lot, and seconds later I'm okay, it's like, what was the point of getting so emotional in the first place? It's like I'm not even in control of myself half the time. When I want to curl up and cry, I also end up getting up again. Something in me wants to try when I want to just give up. And I know what you're thinking, that's great isn't it. Well, no, because I want to give up. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I just want to commit, well you know, but I can't do it! It's not like I have MPD or schizophrenia either, that would be simple, than I could at least communicate with. No, it's like some sort of sub-concious thing playing with my actions. It's been there as long as I can remember but only now am I really being able to seperate my true self away from it. It's impulsive, it's happy-go-lucky, and it's childish. And yet, I don't want to get rid of it, because I don't know why. Ugh, listen to me, I sound completely bonkers. Mayeb I am, I don't know anymore, not that I ever did. I guess I'm not explaining it properly but I don't know how to. I've never been normal, or if I am, if this is normal, nobody ever seems to talk about feeling this way. I'm just f****** miserable and I can't stand it, and I want to go away but I can't and I don't know what's wrong with my mind. It's just so frustrating!
  14. Tonight I got into one of those moods where I think about sad things. To alleviate that I tried to watch youtube videos which didn't help because I stumbled upon a video about an autistic kid getting bullied, which took me back to the eight years of bullying that I went through in school, and I couldn't help feeling the deep rooted pain that I felt during those times. It's weird cause I thought I was done with that pain. With everything else that's being going on in my life most recently I thought that was on the list of my least biggest problems now. But it still hurts. I can still feel all the anguish of all the time wasted from being isolated and alone. I still am affected by it since I can't get too close to my friends for fear they may abandon me. More so it hit closer cause I might have Asperger's. I would have brought this up on a more appropriate board but this forum doesn't have an autism section from what I can see (which is kind of odd to me but maybe the board's just not clearly defined as being for ASD). A psychiatrist said I might have it and I went to see another psychiatrist to get a diagnosis but because the method she used wasted my time and my parents money with no official reports to be seen. I never found out if I did or not, and I don't have the money to find out. It's just so painful not knowing. Though in either case it's really bad. If I'm not then it's my own fault for not being more applicable in social settings and I deserved to be bullied, or I am and all that heartache for those eight years could have been avoided or at least dealt with better. I try to move on, and I thought I did, guess I just can't.
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