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Everything posted by Kabuto

  1. Thanks all, AmeriCorps is a huge undertaking, and since it would involve me leaving my family and friends, I really wish not to be doing it, especially if it gets to be overwhelming and overstimulating. But I fear for lack of an alternative to get day jobs, so it's a terrifying and difficult choice. I'm very frightened about the whole thing- I wish to turn it down more than anything else, but fear that nothing else will be lined up for me. I've considered librarian as a possibility, for a loner like me. I hope it wouldn't get boring or anything, and I don't have a huge desire to do it, but it might pay the bills and not make me insane. Maybe. Really anything is possible, but I wish I can try jobs like librarian and truck driver and see what I like and dislike.
  2. Hi all, So I'm a guy who enjoys when I'm not dealing with people, especially in team settings and loud settings. So any job that involves interaction is a no-no for me, because I just wish to be left alone, at least to a semi comfortable degree. I like to maintain individuality, and maintain a barrier between myself and others. My hobbies are drawing, writing, singing and video games- none of which I can make a career out of. The only thing that hurts about being a loner is when it comes to women and jobs. Two big categories of my life right now. I need the job first, something not overstimulating- in which I can survive and be approved of by my family- then a nice pretty girl whom I can be intimate with. That's all I want. I don't want to deal with anybody else except my close family and one or two friends. I have a potential AmeriCorps opportunity, but it is away from my home and it involves teams- volunteer this, and service that. I would only do it to pass the time and have something good on my resume. I'm having struggles not taking it because I really don't want to do it, but I can't remain home and unemployed, as my family will bug me. Why can't I just stay in my little space and be left alone by everyone? If I was Japanese I would be a hikikomori- that's how I feel, I just don't want to deal with anyone else. Or maybe I would join a Buddhist temple or something, which isn't really a do-able option here in the States.
  3. It very well could be depression, but it doesn't hurt to rule out your other options first. Sleep study, is really the way to go if you feel tired.
  4. I recommend a sleep study, that was my problem, I had undetected sleep apnea. A visit with your doctor in checking out chronic fatigue syndrome and/or fibromyalgia would be good too. Doesn't hurt to get a blood test either, could be a thyroid problem too.
  5. Thank you for your kind remarks- I really appreciate the help and can use more input. I am already seeing a doctor for sleep apnea and started seeing a therapist in the last month. I'm hesitant about medication because I've been happy off of it and miserable on it. Aside from the fact that I believe medicine is not good for the body. Besides, sleep apnea throws a curve ball in the equation of if I'm truly depressed by clinical definition, or just tired. Sometimes I like being around people, but only if they're free spirited like I am. I hate being around high energy. If it's me, family, a few close friends, and a girl I love, I'm happy, I'd rather not deal with anyone else most of the time. I feel like time's my biggest enemy, and it often feels like there's nothing but despair. I'm not doing anything worthwhile, why I am I continuing through drudge work to survive? It's been 2 years since my last meaningful sexual encounter, and over 2 years since I finished college, with no good job (coincidence?) I feel like things may get better, but only if I make the right choices, which I'm paralyzed to do. For now I'm stuck in this uncertainty, it feels like everything is fleeting. I feel like a ghost right now looking at a world where nothing makes sense and I feel alienated.
  6. Please help me! 23, and I haven't found a job in the years since I finished university- the only options available to me quickly are retail, or "maybe" if I'm lucky, a part time gig or two. But none of this work is something I can tolerate, waking up in the morning to do with uncertainty looming and no way out of it. It all feels like drudge work, like a chore, and thus, I would rather sleep, and get away from it all. I don't like working with people at all, I want to be in my own little world. The problem is I don't enjoy a lot of things. With school and college, it was all about doing what you had to do until graduation. I would draw to get through most of my classes, though in college I actually enjoyed most of what I was studying- because I was learning, about the world. But now, it's all about job procedure, job performance. I would happily do something, if I had any idea whatsoever about where I want to be. But I don't- I'm paralyzed. I fear for spending money on continuing education and picking the wrong thing to study. If I were to choose studying what I loved, it would be philosophy, music, or fine art- but I need to make money. Animation, Social Work, and Teaching are the only subjects I can legitimately study, and I don't have a direct passion for any of them. Animation I like to draw, but I don't like technical procedures, and even then it's still a risky road for employment. Teaching and Social Work are safe jobs, but I can't say I would like them. Then there's the problem of not meeting any people, any girls. I am home all day waiting for an answer, to get my life started. I am lonely. The girl I loved has left me a while ago, and I cry wanting her back, while accepting there can be a new person to fill that void. Maybe if I even had intimacy again, that would do the trick! I also know that no life = no girls- the people come in later. The only jobs that are learning experiences would be AmeriCorps or possibly teaching abroad. Either way, I'd have to leave home- and after taking a 7 month travel before, I don't really want to do that again- I love my family too much. Do I have to take the plunge anyway and cut out my emotions? Either way, life has no path, I'm always tired from my sleep apnea, and I have no desire to do anything besides survive and be happy with loved ones.
  7. I totally agree with you dude, and I can totally empathize with being a family man. I know it's sad, but I often feel like the best parts of my life are over and I'm only 23!! I'm not looking forward to the coming years of working like a dog, for survival. Worse so, I can't make a decision to save my life, I usually feel paralyzed. I would work, but I can't even find a job outside retail or anything like that. I know deep down I might want to study art even further, but it's just such a scary (and expensive!!!) prospect I simply cannot commit to. And when all is said and done, I keep having to ask: "What now?". Perhaps having a family of my own would be a saving grace, but I'd just have to work even harder to sustain that. I really don't care to be a part of any of this....I don't want to deal with the pain and little pleasure :/. I've dealt with enough heartbreak in my life and it still lingers to this day.
  8. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea, and I use my machine, unless it slips off at night without me knowing sometimes (more often than I'd like) But every morning, I wake up completely miserable, and I'm not even working and getting up early. I have a Bachelor's in a relatively useless field (Communications/Graphic Design), and I already get this strong feeling that I'd hate 9-5 work in something that doesn't have meaning, because I'm an INFP (Myers Briggs), who seeks only meaning in what he does. Add that to the fact that I've very much been struggling to find work, at 23 years old. But it's not the unemployment that bothers me- only in the short term, of not getting out of the house, or wanting to even get out of bed. I'd prefer unemployment to selling my soul in retail....and yet I'm lucky enough to have my parents helping me out. What bothers me is the fear of not being self supporting, the fear of doing that grudge work to survive, because there's nothing else available. The fear of living paycheck to paycheck. Not only that, but if I have no respect in the work that I do, no woman will love me. Even though I've lost the only woman I've cared about and am still heartbroken, I'm still willing to open my heart to another- someone who actually cares. If I were in a less monetary society, there wouldn't be this problem of needing a "respectable" career. The homeless in this society are gigantic "failures" and outcasts. I've only been happy traveling, so I'll probably have to do abroad teaching long term, as some kind of lifestyle. It's the only solution that makes sense, until maybe I have an epiphany about a Master's program. But leaving my family and friends all the time is tiresome- and yet, the only seeming escape.
  9. Guess I just have to be optimistic about my future- in both love and careers. It's so hard to when the "happiness" isn't directly in front of my eyes, but like I said, it would be great if I can be happy in general before tackling love, and careers. I still miss this girl, I've missed her so much, but I have a feeling it'll pass eventually. I think a lot of the issue too is jealousy, she seemed so successful, while I'm.... not. I've often thought, maybe if I was in better shape, things would have turned out differently. But then how does one define success? Getting what you want? Being happy? Self fulfilled? Was I supposed to get this girl or learn from this experience- maybe I shouldn't be attached? The self esteem blow is potentially as great as missing the girl, the love, and the sex. So that's why I've instinctually wanted more sex with a new love, not only to boost my ego but my experience too. But now, I think it's best to simply be ready for it when it comes, instead of going crazy wanting it. It's a vicious cycle, the cycle of desire.
  10. I know how you feel, Stiven. There is a really strong societal stigma against being a virgin- I'm lucky enough to have lost mine at 21, even if only for a very brief night, but it was something. I will say though, that after I lost that girl, I endlessly craved sex, and that girl, and it was very painful for a long time afterwards, even still. But at least the societal stigma and sense of wonder vanishes. So I recommend finding an outlet- however, if it is a prostitute, be very very careful about your emotional state, because it is VERY easy to get attached to your first, it's not easy.
  11. ASLycoris- There wasn't an official relationship, and I know for a fact that she has no feelings for me, because if she did, well, obviously we would have actually been together (longer)! Though I suppose I could have had a lengthy relationship like you had, and still went through the same, arguably more painful aftermath. It would have ended regardless, so I may have dodged a greater deal of emotional pain. I am lonely, and you're right, it's exactly what I'm doing, holding on to my last meaningful connection because I miss it, both emotionally and physically. I would rather just forget about it altogether though, and not even necessarily need another girl to replace it. (Because everything is temporary, and even a new relationship wouldn't last forever probably. So the idea would be to not desire these feelings as strongly and simply appreciate the emotional connections when they are around) Sometimes, I'm hesitant to connect to someone else, because I don't want a new slew of emotions to deal with. (If such an opportunity even presented itself! I guess I would know when it feels right?) Hippie_music- Thanks so much! I am inspired to stay strong when I'm encouraged- good luck to you in your situation!
  12. 23 years old, and I know it sounds immature when there are guys out there who have lost their wives, when people they loved died, etc, but this has been upsetting me and breaking my concentration for almost 2 years now. So I met this girl and I lost my virginity to her in 2012- at the time I was just looking to lose my virginity, as many guys do, but I wound up truly caring for her as a person. She moved away shortly afterwards, and I felt guilty about it. It started eating me up when there wasn't another girl to fill in that void- so I actually sought to reunite with her almost a year later, to get "closure." I saw her a few more times and it was then I truly realized that I did love this girl, but at that point I found out she had a boyfriend at that point and moved on with her life. It was truly amazing seeing her again though- and from what she said she may have been breaking up with her boyfriend. But I was immature and naive, about the whole thing and I clung to false hope. I felt happy I went to see her- I think it eased a lot of the guilt and wonder- but by doing so, I ended up very heartbroken- and got reminded of feelings that may have been better off going away. I don't feel guilty about going to see her, and I'm glad I tried, but it was a double edged sword that ended up in a much larger heartbreak. At this point, the chapter is over, I told her how I ended up feeling and we haven't been on speaking terms for a long time now. I don't expect to be on speaking terms with her again, and I certainly don't expect a relationship. Nor would I want one with her- is what I want to say. Out of loneliness, I think about her every day- and I miss her very much. A lot of times I feel like crying. Though if an equally special girl were to emerge, I'd have to say, that would actually be preferable- even though I often convince myself such a girl doesn't exist. I get comfortable with the past, because such a girl I loved already existed. So that's the story! I just don't want all this to hold me back and depress me, distracting me from my "undefined" goals.
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