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Everything posted by Kabuto

  1. I had experienced some difficult life changes in the last few years..... My father got sick with dementia. My brother married a woman I don't particularly like. I've had some physical exhaustion I've been trying to work through, and improve Needless to say....it's been tough. How can I process all this? When I think back at the way my life used to be...I have felt sad that I'm not living those days right now. P.S.: Sorry for all the topics lately! I feel like I've been choosing to slow down on my constant therapy lately, but apparently I've still had plenty to vent!
  2. I always wonder about the value of my time utilization. I've spent so much time questioning....cycling through my life options... Because the truth is, I've wanted to maximize my life options- maximize my best self. Create the best life I possibly can for myself, so I can have a good life- the way I want it to be. And help other people too, so the world can be a happy place. And yet, I've got no crystal ball. So I can only make educated guesses. Assumptions. I've spent much time pursuing my art....pursuing my craft. Was that the best possible use of my time? Impossible to say. Could I have written the next great American novel in the time I've opted for art instead? Impossible to say.... I feel like I have so many gifts- so much potential, that when I've failed to reach it.... I have felt immense torment as a result.. And I've felt hypercritical of myself. The time will hopefully come soon where I begin to profit a lot more off my work and this'll all feel worthwhile. And maybe then, the time I've spent won't feel like a waste. I can't get the past time back. What's done is done. I guess the biggest question I consistently ask: Am I using my time well NOW? How can I know that??
  3. How do I date as a young person when I don't enjoy: Going to shows Going to concerts Going to museums Going to bars Going to parties I simply like staying in, lying down, talking, drawing, reading, playing video games, doing nothing.
  4. Well...it'a not a severe betrayal or anything. But I do feel a sense of 'betrayal'- whether that's the appropriate word to use or not, that's the word that comes to mind- or at the very least, the word 'neglect' does. There's a reason the feeling conjures up that word, even if it is arguably an exaggeration. (And I do my best not to exaggerate my words/language) But either way, whether you want to use the word 'disappointment', 'neglect' or 'betrayal'- I'm trying to think of ways to trust others again.... And whether I'm better off trusting people in order to forge relationships again. 1. In my brother's case, one can argue he didn't do anything wrong. But he did neglect me for this woman (Who I pretty much don't like), during a personal time of need. Someone now part of my family. 2. Those two former best friends really did sorta betray me, or perhaps 'neglect' is a better word. Why did those friendships suddenly go to the wayside? It's so hard to explain...but those felt like losses at the time due to the closeness and bonds of those friendships... 3. Women relationships have been complicated- too complicated to get into here. Some haven't been betrayals- some have... Lots of rejection and heartbreak. Long story short, I have difficulty trusting them sometimes. 4. Society in general. This is something everyone faces. It is subjective. We can either find the good in people, or the bad. People are multifaceted. Though I often have felt like a fish out of water in this world sometimes.... due to being deviant of the norm. And again- I harbor no resentment towards anyone- and want everyone to be happy. It's more an issue when it comes to my personal trust of others.
  5. Hi Tim 52! Yes, I have felt betrayed before. Whether that means I've actually was betrayed is another story but- I'll do my best to explain. A. I felt betrayed by my brother for prioritizing his new wife and family. Over the years we grew up so close, and then suddenly, this new girl took priority. We had so many goals together- both from an emotional and career standpoint...and I was going through a tough time when he moved out with his wife. I really felt betrayed/neglected by him, even though he "technically" didn't do anything unethical. We still talk and get along, but I have missed the old days of our relationship. B. I felt betrayed by two of my former best friends. With the first one, we sort of just grew apart. I think I was acting more cynical and frustrated with the world, and he didn't enjoy my new persona in comparison to the way I was before those struggles. I can understand why he might distance himself a bit if I turned out to be a 'emotionally draining friend for him to have'- but I still felt betrayed that he didn't try to help more after being friends for years. The second best friend I lashed out against once years ago, and he never wanted to be friends with me since. He held onto his emotions despite my consistent attempts to apologize. His mutual friends I used to chill with also haven't hung out with me either, despite my not even having argued with them. At this point, it seems like it may be best to accept these particular friendships aren't working out, and that I would benefit from moving on. Though at the moment I haven't made too many new friends my age to replace them. C. Most of my romantic relationships so far hadn't worked out. For one reason or another. A lot of feeling betrayed by women, but I try to not consider it a gender issue, as many women have been betrayed by men too. D. I suppose I have felt a 'general sense' of betrayal. By society, for not having been more kind, not having been more accommodating, not having been more understanding. Humanity's flaws in general. Fortunately, I do have friends and family that is trustworthy. But I've still struggled with this issue for the reasons above. Thanks so much for your insightful words! Not sure what to respond, but I'm very appreciative you took the time to write all that! Hahaha, aw shucks. You're so kind Epictetus. I really mean that. Always kindly responding to my posts on this forum. You're an amazing person! I like to think I've helped others on this forum, even though I feel like I've mostly been complaining and venting on here to be honest hahaha. Best of luck! I think we just have to try to see the good in others as best as we can. As far as doctors- I recommend seeing doctors, but you have the freedom to deny any treatment plan they come up with if it doesn't align to what you feel. Most doctors are trying to do their job and most do genuinely try to help- some know more than others and some are more genuine and hard working than others.
  6. Hi all. I think I fear creating new connections due to fear of losing them due to betrayal. How can I get over this fear? I think it has prevented me from making more connections. Thanks!! Best wishes.
  7. Random thought: Men need to be encouraged to able to properly express their emotions, instead of hiding them. Men need to be encouraged to go to therapy. Society needs to become better. This'll help prevent unhealthy behavior that turn to drugs, alcoholism, violence, etc. Just had that thought I wanted to share with someone.
  8. Hi all, I know I'm a smart resourceful 27 year old. Intellectual, spirited, compassionate- in many ways I have everything someone would need. And at the same time, I have felt beyond misunderstood. This world is such a bizarre place. When you know others are suffering, you almost feel like your own hardships are invalidated...but they're not. I've felt very fatigued. I have to go for physical testing to see if there's a medical reason I've felt so tired. But people haven't understood that. Thus I've felt alienated. I've got very few friends. And how much do the ones I do have understand me? I have a lot of random thoughts. I haven't had sex in 2 1/2 years, not that it matters or anything- it really doesn't have any real significance in the grande scheme of things. Just thought I'd say it. Helping self and others is what's important- more important than hedonism. Though sadly, I haven't been in a full position to help others as much as I'd like to. It makes me feel sorry as a result. My thinking is unique - which is a good thing, However, I've felt misunderstood as a result. Wondering where to go from here.
  9. Hi all. Hope everyone is doing well. I have felt quite lost. When I was a kid, everything was super settled and happy. I had school, and then I came home and played with my toys and video games. This lasted until I was like 20/21. I didn't have a care in the world.... I just wanted to have fun. And I did. It was a wonderful life. Suddenly, I'm an adult. And responsibility sets in. I have a love/hate relationship with video games now. They're fun, but they feel like a waste of time and I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything. It'd be a different story if I were involved with the game industry, writing game reviews, or doing YouTube about games for a living. But alas, I haven't found those opportunities yet....so games largely have felt like a waste of time. Unfortunately, I have felt like I have very little to replace games with. I don't generally enjoy going to the movies, going to restaurants, going to the theater, bars, etc. I don't enjoy socializing much. And I don't even enjoy dating, for the most part. So I generally have felt like a lost soul in this adult world. Either I've felt like a manchild who refuses to grow up OR I've felt uncomfortable in my adult role. Random aside: I just impulsively bought a video game for 12 dollars- a minimal amount of cash. Obviously, I need to let it go- I can't change the past. But it feels like such a waste of money....
  10. I have very adequate/strong skills in art and writing. Though I've felt quite lost as to what to do with them. Have seen many many career coaches. About to see one more, hopefully they'll help.
  11. Hi all. 27 years old. Wishing I accomplished more than I did in my life. Granted, I've accomplished 'some' good things, though I wish I've done more with my life. Of course, all that matters is what I do going forward. The past is the past and regret is a waste of time. However, the most frustrating aspect is not having a strong sense of direction. What do I want to do with my life? How do I find that out? How can I achieve my goals? Where do I focus my energies? What decisions can I make going forward so that I get the good things I want in life?
  12. Hi all, The truth is I've neglected most of my friends lately, and haven't hung out with them. But it's not because I don't want to see them. It's because I've been diagnosed a sleep disorder and I don't get out much as a result. I've been too tired. I feel like I've hurt people's feelings, people have felt neglected... But I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure how to tell them. If I should do it at all...
  13. Yeah, I'm trying career counseling right now. Thank you so much nightingale77! :)
  14. Boy do I feel you. My recommendation? Find a therapist and a career coach ASAP. Take the Myers Briggs Career test, and the Clifton Gallup Career Test, and try using those + your intuition as guidance.
  15. Just got to do it dude. Make a list of reasons why your life will improve with limited/no alcohol, and focus on those reasons. Meditate on them if you have to.
  16. Man, oh man, I miss being a kid. Though, obviously, I have to accept that I'm not able to get those days back- people only age. But yeah. 1. School was more fun than work. Short of me getting my dream job, or a job at least somewhat in that vicinity: I like school better. School was more fun, you learn cool things, you meet nice peers. 2. I had free time to frolic outdoors, play video games and watch TV without a care in the world. Boy was that fun. 3. Speaking of which, I didn't have to have a care in the world period. Who cares- I was able to ignore what was going on in the world and enjoy my sweet little fantasy 4. I don't even like sex and dating, at least not up to this point anyway. I largely miss not having a sex drive, and I'm actively considering taking medication to lower it . 5. All the responsibility sucks. I wish having most stuff taken care of for me in a positive way. But like I said....I have to accept adulthood, even if I don't like it. But what's unfortunate is that there's barely anything I've preferred from adulthood in comparison to childhood.
  17. Hi Jeff: A. A cry for help isn't selfish. If you need help, thats okay. B. Work with a psycho-therapist, as youve been doing. A good one. C. Do you know any career counselors you can see? Perhaps at your university, or around your area?
  18. Not sure why I'm sharing this, but I feel the need to vent. Unfortunately, I cannot simply post this stuff to facebook- it's too personal, I'd be judged. Perhaps that is one of the harder components of depressive situations, when people are too ignorant to understand or empathize. And geez, life's been one heck of a ride up to this point. And I've been trying to sort out my life. My career has been a huge focus. I'm 27, and I want to make something of myself. I need to be successful. I look around, and I see car drivers, cashiers, food service etc. I respect these people highly for their commitment and work ethic- I cannot understate that. It's more than I'd ever be able to muster, truly. However, while I respect them, I want a better quality of life for myself....dare I say I need it. My work means a lot to me- and I need employment that doesn't make me totally miserable. I fortunately come from a modest family, so I have more options available to me. And I am fortunate enough to have a 4 year college degree. It truly is a privelage. However, I've sadly been very stuck up until now. My depression and sleep apnea has truly interfered with what would otherwise be a normal life. A normal life with a good job. Maybe I'd be a teacher...or a social worker...or a graphic designer.... Who knows. Instead, I am currently unemployed and I have been for so many years now. I'm panicking in a sense because I know I can't be unemployed forever. However, I am looking for this to change. The great hope is that my art and marketing skills become phenomenal enough for me to be able to sell prints and live off my artwork. I really have been practicing, and I am truly exceptionally talented now. In the meantime, I'm trying to fend off my mental health, seek further career coaching/therapy, and do my best to make it all work itself out. Anyway, I just needed to vent.
  19. Was tired in high school and decided to get a sleep study after feeling fatigued.
  20. Sleep apnea is really lame. I was diagnosed by a doctor with it when I was 21, but symptoms had appeared even earlier in my life. It's very annoying. Without the CPAP air machine, I've felt tired, drained, exhausted- and my productivity in the day has gone down. (Which can lead to long term consequences if I'm not careful, productivity is important) Granted, I know there's worse stuff people have had, I mean just recently a good friend of mine had to fight off testicular cancer. But yeah, I hate sleep apnea. Not only can you be tired, but without CPAP, it's not even good for the health. So, luckily, there is a treatment, with CPAP. Wearing CPAP does eliminate symptoms. But you have to wear it every single night. I try putting hair clips in my hair to attach the mask to my face better. But even then, it's been a challenge, and hasn't stayed on my face 100% of the time up to this point. Curious if you guys have any recommendations, or words of encouragement at least. Thank you all so much!
  21. Hi all- I feel strange lately. And I'm here to vent a little. Physically, I'm overall fine. I'm blessed to have the good things I have, and my complaints here doesn't make me any less grateful for that. Yet, there are things that have been bothering me. I wish I had way more personal success than I've had up to this point, and am constantly thinking about how I can be successful. Entertainment has been a rarity for me these days. I am very duty focused- focused on my therapy, my self improvement, my career- so much so that I've rarely had a social life anymore. I'm honestly not even sure who my friends are. I sort of have friends, sort of- but feel I should have way more. Don't know what I'm really trying to say- I just want my efforts to pay off in a positive way.
  22. Thanks so much Epictetus! Your continued support is highly meaningful to me. . Feel better!
  23. Hi everyone, As you may or may not know, I've frequented these forums for quite a number of years now. And I've posted quite a bit less lately...largely because I've gone through 100s or even 1000s of hours of psychotherapy- necessary psychotherapy. However, some issues in my life still need resolving. 1) My Career: I've tried so many things for years- and hopefully, I can find get the career coaching I need- to finally resolve this. I just pray there's something out there I at least find 'okay' 2) Women/Relationships: I hate my high sex drive- and have yet to find a woman who likes/accepts me for who I am. Part of me wishes I can just surgically remove my 'thing' in a healthy manner so I don't have to deal with this torment anymore... Honestly, those have been the primary things I need to resolve.... just wanted to make my voice heard so I can get some good vibes. Unfortunately, I can't really discuss this with many friends...
  24. Thank you, Epictetus! You've always been a positive presence, encouraging me for all these years. I'm highly appreciative of it! You really are my friend :)
  25. Hi guys, I've been pretty lonely. I've largely felt kinda of misunderstood by the rest of the world. I am socially capable, intelligent, and whatnot- but something's always felt off relating to others up til now. It's hard to explain...but it's been pretty lonely for me. Not sure why I'm posting this here, I just felt the need to let my thoughts out.
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