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Becca123

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Becca123 last won the day on March 31 2014

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  1. Two years into my transition... While some aspects of my dysphoria have lessened, others have worsened. I am far more easily triggered and upset by misgendering, especially when it's unintentional. And despite when people say nice things about my appearance, I still feel like I stare at a monster in the mirror. I've gotten to a point where "it'll get better" comments just upset me more. As much as you shouldn't care what others think about you, no one is an island and I still have to be a part of this society, whether I want to or not. Being recognized (because I hate the term "passing") is actually essential for many of us; our safety, peace of mind and be recognized as our true gender depends on it. I mean who wants to spend their lives living in fear, experiencing street harassment and unable to find a job or a partner. Dysphoria varies from person to person. Mine causes major depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I have attempted suicide twice and I used to drink and abuse drugs before I came out as transgender in 2011. I know that one day, the dysphoria will get me. It is a painful and lonely thing to feel; the only way I can describe it to cis people is like feeling forced to wear clothes that you hate and cause you to be misidentified, only you can't fully take the clothing off. You not to think about it, but then you go out and people's comments trigger it. People tell you to "be yourself", but a part of who we are IS dictated by how we interact with others and how others interact with us. Anyone who denies that is just plain wrong. It is constant and persistent pain that will not leave me until I die.
  2. No. It is an act of desperation when people feel they've lost hope. Many feel they are a burden anyway - I know I've been there and still feel that way. I hate the label "selfish" because it's not.
  3. I've never had a poly relationship, but I guess you could say I'm poly-curious. The ideal relationship for me would be with a male, but whereby he would allow me to also date females. It kind of gues against pansexualiam because gender should not matter at all, but I just tend to lean more towards males, as much as most of them are totally incompatible.
  4. Alone in the world. I have lots of online friends, but my BPD and being transgender make it almost impossible to make or keep friends. I am scared of people in general anyway and tend to hide in my room a lot.
  5. When with a crowd I can be quite social and happy, a crowd of my friends that is. I've never been to Watford. Where I live in Plymouth it is quite nice. I've been to Plymouth twice quite recently as an ex partner lived there. It did seem quite nice. I find the south east quite hostile.
  6. I feel lonelier in a crowd anyways
  7. I live in Watford and I hate it here. Really unfriendly, crowded but not in a good way. I don't tbink id be happy anywhere though
  8. Both my parents didn't do a great job, but my dad is trying now. I was allowed to drift as a a child / teenager. My mother was not very emotionally available and tended to put her men first. She was married 3 times, my dad 4 times. Substance abuse does run in my family. Drug addiction, alcoholism. As does mental illness.
  9. I know how you feel. I am very isolated day in day out. While I like my space at times, I wish I had a few people around me who I could hang out with. My friends live all over the place and it gets bad because I start to feel disassociated.
  10. Hi both, especially Lauryn. Mental health services have been slashed here. It's been very difficult to get help. I am on a waiting list for counselling with the Mind charity, but that could be months. As for my family, they have completely let me down. My brother was a big advocate in bringing me back here, but he has all but ceased contact, despite the fact that he lives just down the road. I do regret not moving to a more suitable US state such as California or New York. The UK is no trans paradise.
  11. Yes I am pansexual, but I experience a LOT of flux. Like right now, I feel straight, but other times I will feel more lesbian. It is a source of frustration more so for my partners. My ex girlfriend hated the fact that I was pan and constantly accused me of chatting to or looking at men. I am monogamous though and it really doesn't matter a whole lot when I'm in a committed relationship. But now, when I'm single it can be frustrating. Just let it go and accept it....it is quite normal and the way I see it, it can be more fun than being monosexual.
  12. Hello group, I left here a year ago under a different name and under a bit of a cloud. I was living in Florida at the time and dealing with nastiness from my ex partner. I have since returned to the UK after 11 years in America, but it has not gone well. My mom and one of my brothers sort of coerced me into coming back, only to find I only had 7 weeks at my brother's and my mom has been less than supportive most of the time. I have gone from at least being functional in America and being just about able to hold down a job to being completely non-functional, unemployed and living in a hostel above a pub in a not-so-great area. My mental health has taken a dive since coming back. I have also struggled to make friends and have found the mental health system in the UK to have completely fallen apart since I lived here pre-2004. There literally isn't much in the way of help on the NHS. I still have depression, bad social anxiety and gender dysphoria (I am transsexual) Looking back, I realize that I was better off in America, away from my family (particularly my mother). My parents accept me, but it hurts that I am living in this hostel and barely making it, while my mother and brother have enough space to have let me stay and try to get better. So that's my update anyway. I hope there are a few familiar faces here.
  13. JellyBear - I can totally relate. I have a very narrow spectrum of men I do actually find attractive,!but having done much soul searching and even attempting to date, it's just not for me. I still like to look sometimes - I kinds of thoiugbf I was pansexual before.
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