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Everything posted by ASLycoris

  1. I'm not entirely sure what kind of advice you're looking for here. Advice about the relationship? Advice about your mental illness and/or how the two are correlated? How to help yourself? To start with, I know this can vary depending on how old the two people are.. and the mental health of each individual.. but I don't know many people who would break up with someone they truly wanted to be with because of school or work. It's true that someone might not feel they have time for a relationship, but I don't know anyone who'd risk losing someone they were genuinely interested in over it. That being said, there's a possibility she is just trying to spare your feelings. Whether or not she's involved with another guy is an entirely different subject matter. I really couldn't say. Also... maybe not to your degree, but it's semi-normal to become paranoid and create negative scenarios concerning a love interest. As for those experiences you have with ironic coincidences... believe it or not, you're not alone in that. It's actually a... well, I guess it's uncommon, but it's a known phenomena. It happens. I experience the same things that you're describing. And I know two other people who have as well... not as frequently as I have, but they do experience the same weird kind of scenarios. It can be unnerving. I have dreams too... very similar to that. Where I've dreamt about someone I haven't see since elementary school and then I bump into them. So you're not crazy. And sometimes I've even questioned the world because of it. The "constantly feeling like you're dreaming" is new to me though. I don't have any experience with that type of behavior/symptom, so I can't be of much help. If you think it's truly hindering you life (it seems like it's definitely taking a toll on your state of mind, at least)... I'd highly suggest seeing a professional to sort out what it is you're dealing with. I'm not sure how philosophical a person you are... but the concept of "real" in and of itself is kind of subjective. Whatever you sense (smell, see, taste, touch, hear, feel) will be perceived as real to you. Just because you feel like sometimes this world you're living in could be a "dream" doesn't make it any less real for the you of the moment. You're experiencing it, aren't you? Even if sometimes that experience seems skewed.
  2. It's... a really well-known city. Let's see... according to wikipedia... around 1.3 million?
  3. You're not a "whiner." You genuinely have problems in your life. You don't have to feel so ashamed to talk about them. Everyone has issues. I may not have children, but I know what some of what you're going through feels like. I've moved several times in the past couple years. To different towns, different states and now across the country. It may feel like a chore to do simple things, but that's because you're directing your energies elsewhere... to being there for your kid. Everyone has a different level of burden. Different tolerance for pain. For some people, just getting out of bed is an actual accomplishment. You're working. You're trying. I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now though. Genuinely, I am. It sounds like you just really need something else in your life. Even if it's small. It might be hard, but getting up... showering... getting dressed... might make you feel a bit better. Start small. I know when I laze about I slowly sink deeper and deeper into a rut. A change in routine always helps me... even if that change is minor. ​But anyway. Welcome! Hope you at least find some encouragement here.
  4. I don't have a gag reflex problem, but when I was little I had to take a handful of medications... one of which had powder in them. And I hated them. They ended up permanently causing a physical stomach ailment of mine. Ever since then, I [psychologically] have an insanely hard time taking pills. I think I smell and feel the powder of the old ones (yes, smell) and start gagging before I even put one in my mouth... no matter the pill or how small it is. I even have problems with BC pills and they're TINY. The only thing that has helped me is... taking them with a thicker and/or a warm beverage. For a long time, I had to buy drinkable cups of soup (like tomato soup) so I could take my pills. It's a very inconvenient suggestion though. I'd actually be rather interested in suggestions myself.
  5. Hey Stephanie. Welcome. I know I personally feel that emptiness... pretty much all of the time. It's a constant struggle. And I think you'll find that other people can relate to it as well. That disconnect is part of what can cause relationships to feel off or... you know, not really develop with your peers. It's always a work in progress though, so hopefully things do get better for you. c: But congrats for being able to keep up with your studies. I've had such bad luck with schools and I've had to transfer so many times that I've felt a little like giving up on the matter. So I can respect that.
  6. My mother took my college fund to pay off her credit card debt.Both my parents struggle with financial issues and, in fact, lost their house the year after I graduated from highschool. As someone who has gone through those circumstances, I can honestly say that it's not as bad as it may seem at the moment. Things have a way of working out. Your daughter can definitely look into scholarships and I would start looking into financial aid. My ex boyfriend's parents made absolutely no money. He ended up getting into a local community college entirely for free. They even paid for his books. And while a community college may not be ideal, it's a good start if you're in a tough financial situation. You can use a community college to get the credits for your core classes and transfer to another school when you are more financially able. The school he went to had a program that allowed free transfer into another local university after a certain number of semesters with passing grades. So there are options. You just have to look into them. As as for christmas, there is always a way to celebrate without money. If you can't afford lights, go old-fashioned and try candles (if you have any lying around the house). My ex's family made home-made decorations. They had their neighbors and friends come over and had a party with homemade cookies, egg nog, and what have you... sat down and made paper snowflakes! They were ALL over the house. It was so funny and very in-the-spirit. I completely agree with the quote from the grinch. c: my favorite parts of christmas have to do with the feelings and just overall beauty of the season.
  7. Your continuous failures at the stuff you want? Having to reread your first post, do you mean: To address that, I don't know why you're calling them failures. The girls you really liked and "fought hard for" just to give up on the situation... those aren't necessarily your own "failures". Not being compatible with someone in a relationship isn't your fault. If you think you're doing something wrong each time, you'd have to be more descriptive. Girls are naturally complicated creatures. Especially in their late teens/early twenties... admittedly, our gender can be hard to please. It's possible the girls you encounter just aren't looking for the type of relationship you are. But honestly, it sounds like you're putting way too much pressure on yourself to be in a relationship... and that pressure might be hindering you from finding something worthwhile. Not that I don't understand. Not being able to "find someone else" quickly and easily off of a dating website or otherwise... also isn't really a failure. You can't really control who you meet or who becomes interested. You can try to attract a certain kind of girl and try to act a certain way... try to contact people you're interested in, but you can't control who responds or how they respond. That's not you failing... try not to be so hard on yourself. It's hard to give advice as what you're feeling (believe it or not) is semi-normal. Especially for introverts or people who suffer with any kind of distancing illness. Having continuous relationship/non-relationship problems will dampen anyone's spirit and chip away at their confidence. The best you can do is to keep trying... as impossibly hard as that can seem. You just haven't met the "right" girl yet... and the majority of the human population knows how you feel. You also have to remember that as bad as it feels, having these experiences that you see as "failures" is also good for you in the long-term perspective. You'll know a good relationship when you find it and you wont take it for granted. Even my worst relationships were lessons. And more about the lack of confidence... For a long time... I couldn't talk to guys. I blush easily and stumble over my words even when I'm not attracted to an individual. I can just be that shy sometimes. And then I realized that how I was feeling was incredibly hard to control... but also incredibly stupid. The opposite gender is still human. We go through similar issues. We have similar emotions. There was no reason to treat guys any differently than I treat girls. So I tried seeing guys differently... tried not to put this ridiculous pressure on myself every time I interacted with one. And believe it or not... most of my friends became guys. *shrug* I know that your goal isn't to become friends with every girl you meet, but you have to start small if casual interactions are hard for you. Not to mention, the best relationships are with people who develop the trust, comfort, and understanding of a friendship first and foremost (in my experience, anyway). If you can't talk to girls, remember that they're just people. That flurry of thoughts in your head... those self-doubts...those jumbled emotions... the person you're speaking to has experienced too. They aren't just NPCs silently judging your dialogue or actions by a pre-established code. Be real with people. Even if they reject you, you couldn't have done anything differently. That self-defeatist attitude is probably what's hurting you the most right now. You might not be able to conjure up confidence out of thin air, but as a very first step... you should immediately kick the part of you that's telling you "you'll just fail anyway." That will pretty much break any chance you have for success. Try to feel as best you can when interacting with a girl you're interested in. Dress your best. Make sure you feel well... both physically and emotionally. When you feel good, it shows. And I KNOW. i know. how hard that is. I know I sound absolutely crazy. But you really do need to try your hardest to not dwell on the past failures and doubts when you're trying to find something new. Having hope and then losing something is painful, but not having any hope is just setting yourself up for failure. If you're going to feel let down, it's better that you don't regret causing it yourself. I know you're probably thinking "it's not that easy" ... and it's not. When you feel stuck, it's hard to take anyone's advice as more than theory or hot air. Also, if someone really cares about your lack of experience in bed... I don't think it's the kind of relationship you're looking for.
  8. Has anyone ever been given advice to "only surround yourself with positive people?" I've had multiple "friends" and family members either drop contact with me or push me away because I wasn't a happy enough person. Didn't laugh or smile enough. Didn't always feel up to hanging out. I had my best friend of 4 years tell me "I'm sorry, i have to work on getting rid of the negatives in my life and i just shouldn't have to put up with you anymore." ... ever since then, I've completely avoided real connections with people. I don't have an off switch for the depression or anxiety or symptomatic personality flaws. The harder I try to be different, the more fake and worthless I feel. I live inside my head. Spend too much time thinking. I end up becoming distant because I can hardly relate to the every day nonsense most of my peers focus on. It's hard for people to understand depression. Some people will treat you differently... use "kid gloves" or demand you get over your unwarranted level of unhappiness. That kind of attention (or lack there of) just naturally isolates people. That's without even getting into the differences in our emotional responses and thought processes.
  9. I should explain that I was by no means trying to imply that this thought process should apply to anyone but myself. It's an internal problem I ponder about my own circumstances and was not intended to be forced onto anyone else or be indicative of how the illness in general works. I was merely asking if anyone felt similarly. The question wasn't so much meant to have "utility" as it was simply philosophical in nature... and coming to a conclusion or answer for myself would help put some things into a less fatalistic perspective. It's just that I'm familiar with point of views that imply depression changes you. Family members often say I was a "different" child before I "became" this way. In a way, that former me is a separate entity that no longer exists. A separate "me" had that person developed without the illness. I do struggle with who I "should" be sometimes ( It's a problem I face when dealing with those around me on a daily basis), but logically I know that I shouldn't feel pressured to be anyone but who I am now. Depression or no. I do believe our experiences as a whole shape us into who we are. I'm not necessarily the "me" I was yesterday. That doesn't have to be negative. But admitting that I am mostly the product of my illness is just as uncomfortable for me. It's a complicated subject matter. And sometimes it just helps me to sort it out and discuss it with people of differing views. As I said though, none of what I say has to apply to you or anyone else. I'm struggling to understand it myself. But all that being said, your comment did help. I just have a hard time determining what being "well" indicates sometimes.
  10. present day society scares me. the destruction mankind has caused in the amount of time we've occupied this planet scares me. my own inaction and indecisive tendencies scare me. also earwigs.
  11. hey. i just want you to know that if you ever want to vent or talk or "be needy" you can always message me. i'm a little awkward, but i'm 100% judgement-free and i might be younger, but i've gone through something similar... am still coping with it, in a way. so i think i may know how you feel. at least to some degree. i've also been doing something similar... forum hopping for some social interaction. but honestly, GOOD FOR YOU for leaving him. for being strong enough to do that despite how he treated you. that action is praise-worthy on its own. and good for you again for being able to open up about it. simple, but big accomplishments. <3
  12. Wow. So many passionate people in here! c: It's good to see. Instead of reading... I stopped writing. I used to LOVE it. I'd write all of the time. All of the time. Scribbled on my hands, on top of notebooks, in books (with pencil, of course) of just idea after idea that I NEEDED to get on paper (and, just to say so, i don't mean poems, necessarily. i mean novels. plays. screenplays. short stories. the works). I've been trying to nudge myself back into that, but haven't been able to find the motivation.
  13. Thank you for the welcome & for the advice. Both very much appreciated. I'm kind of... stuck... to be honest. Not only did I move across the country, but to a major city... from a very rural town of only around 400 people. Give or take. So I'm not all that comfortable with my surroundings just yet... to put it lightly. But I might try to look into something if this gets much worse. ​Thanks again~ c:
  14. Hah. Most of my female friends back home were of the artsy, geek persuasion. Still are. In the 19-23 age bracket. Girl i met in college was a WoW playing, car-loving, charismatic individual who looked like Lara Croft. Haha. So they do exist, I promise. I joined a dating site once... once... didn't have much luck. I don't know what's popular in your country, but maybe google search a more specific type of dating site? I know occasionally you can find one that centers on common hobbies or values or something. Might attract more like-minded people. I honestly wish it was easier to meet people, I really do.
  15. It's not just in the south. Shaved heads and beards seems to be pretty popular. And beards in general are a huge thing with girls now for whatever reason. Shaved heads too are kind of more "in style" than they used to be. And if it's only been a few months, it hasn't been that long, Penguin. It just feels like it. Maybe try meeting a girl through a common hobby? "escapism, reading, drawing, watching cartoons, and playing WoW" ... artsy geek girl? There are plenty of those. Especially if you live in a well populated area. I know there have been game stores everywhere I've lived with gamer tournaments and what have you.
  16. Honestly, nothing "professional" has ever helped me. I find it incredibly hard to change the way I perceive things, it being instantaneous and typically emotion-driven. My brain (being off the hinges) has a hard time putting itself back on them. Not to mention, I'm impossibly stubborn. I hate when psychiatrists give you pamphlets. They never help. And they're generic... impersonal. They can help the physical mechanics of your problems if you try hard enough, but they don't add any feelings of security or acceptance... or even help. A piece of paper is cold and... ultimately unhelpful if you're at your breaking point with any illness. It may be unhealthy in the long-run, but I have an escapist attitude. I need to emerge myself in fictional worlds or become emotionally distracted. Physical intimacy helps with the latter. I also change things up continuously... so I don't get caught in the same atmosphere doing the same activity in the same location time after time. I will constantly change things. Even if that just means turning on a light I don't usually use. Exercise can help, I'll admit. Though it can also make it worse if you have a weight or fitness problem along with the depression.
  17. For me, I wonder if the illness shaped those views or if the foundation was already there to begin with. I know someone who had suffered with an eating disorder at a young age... it shows in aspects of his personality just as well. I wonder if he was predisposed to what causes an eating disorder or if the eating disorder contributed to his basic nature. It's almost like the chicken or the egg scenario.
  18. Oddly, I know a lot of guys who are prematurely balding... I don't know if that's just my group of former acquaintances or if it's becoming more common... or if I'm just now noticing it because my peer group is in their 20's. Most of them choose to just keep their head completely shaved now... as "rebellion against the hair loss." :p Not a bad concept. Firstly, it's good that you can be that honest about it. I can relate,.. in a way. I have self-esteem issues. Which is a very unattractive trait, apparently. And I feel like if a guy (or girl) I find genuinely attractive finds me attractive or worthy of dating...it'd be the same kind of validation for me. It is, however, a bit shallow to judge a person's worth on their outer appearance alone. But I'll always admit that looks... do matter. Not more than a genuine connection by any means, but you shouldn't be with someone who naturally repels you. That's just unhealthy. You're not even remotely bad looking. I don't think your hair or lack their of should be a deciding factor in whether or not you're "worthy" of a decent relationship. I haven't been in a romantic relationship for... years and years. :I I tell people that and they look at me with shock and awe. It's hard. And lonely. And you feel hopeless a lot... I, and so many people, can relate. I don't know what I can say to help, exactly. I feel so similarly that giving you advice would seem inappropriate. I do feel people should always be open, though. Don't try too hard. Don't hold yourself back. But only invest your time in things that feel right to you (don't settle for involving yourself with something you know will only lead to disappointment) or you'll end up feeling... worse. In my experience. Loneliness drives people to do dumb things and be with dumb people. Before my first serious relationship, I thought I would never be with ANYONE. Especially not someone who would get me and who I would feel comfortable around... but I did find someone. And it happened completely at random. Relationship may have ended, but the point is... there are good things out there. For you. For anyone. It's just hard to keep hoping when you're stuck in an endlessly dark rut.
  19. ^ oh gosh. it's good you're okay. hm. i feel like i don't exist in the real world. i'm just living in a dimension that's slowly lowering a slab of guilt onto my body for sh*ts and giggles. also lonely. stressed. contemplative. and on the other side of the spectrum: creative.
  20. You might be the common denominator, but it's not necessarily "you" per se... people can just be.... well, mean.... If you don't quite fit their expectations or the same social patterns as their close-knit group of friends. I've had plenty of experience in the area of bullying. As have many, many people. That problem is something that needs more attention than it's currently getting. Even as an adult now, I have a hard time getting along with people. Because I'm initially quiet and standoff-ish, people assume I'm full of myself. It doesn't help that I apparently look as though I should be more socially outgoing. I'm also pretty honest. Which people apparently can't handle in today's society. People just like to judge and make their own assumptions. You could be the nicest person and still meet with rejection.
  21. I apologize if this has been addressed somewhere else, but it's just something that... has been bothering me for a very, very long time. I suffer from MDD. As hard as this may be for some of you to believe, I was first diagnosed when I was around 7 years old. The initial diagnosis was bipolarity, but it was later adjusted. I've been dealing with it since. There have been ups and down and in-betweens, but it's always been with me. For as long as I can think back to recall my thoughts and state of mind. I know this might be hard for someone who is new to depression to understand. Where as you might feel depression has changed who you were (maybe as though it has created a shadow of yourself, so to speak), I actually linger on the idea that I might not know myself without it. I know that any illness has its own residual effects, but this is slightly deeper than that. I almost feel as if the depressed me is the REAL me... as if I cannot be separated from the illness. I'm not even sure if I'm supposed to be. It's... very confusing and hard to explain. I was wondering if other people who have been coping with the symptoms for years might feel similarly. My family often tries to convince me that I wouldn't be so negative if it weren't for the depression. That I couldn't possibly think the way that I do. But I don't think that's true. Depression might color my thoughts a few shades darker, but they're still my thoughts... sprung from the way my mind observes and reasons. And as much as I want to feel better. As much as I want to feel motivated again. Feel more hopeful again... I'm also completely terrified of what I'd be like without the "illness" ... not that full recuperation even truly possible at the moment (as far as I know). It's just something I think about. Especially when discussing medications and the like.
  22. Sorry about all that! A lot of people can probably say this, but I think I know what you're going through. Before I moved across the country, I was basically numb. I didn't care about anything. Or feel anything. And trust me, I know what it's like to just want one friend. I haven't had a decent one that I could see in person for... a few years now. Except I was the one that kept needing to move away. Hopefully where I am now is more permanent. Last person a made a connection with ended up just using me to buy her booze... Heh. I bounce back and forth between not wanting to deal with people and wanting at least one REAL social connection with someone I can just hang out with. And I feel like a failure because I'm "SO OLD" and don't have that. F***, what people say to me because I'm 23 and don't go out every night. But yeah. I hope that work scenario somehow gets better or you manage to do better than that... I'd be frustrated as hell. At least you work at petco though... that would make me feel better, at least. I... would probably end up wanting too many animals if I worked there. x_x
  23. Very accurate. For me, at least. I have a pretty complex assortment of problems that extend beyond depression. And just saying that makes me feel like I'm lying. I've had people argue with me before... saying I can't be "depressed" that I'm just "sad, pessimistic, and overdramatic" and that people too often try to cling to the label of depression as if it were a fad. Not only is that kind of accusation offensive and ignorant, but it created an entirely new layer of doubt for me. I feel like I can't be honest with anyone. Not even my therapists... Because for some reason acknowledging your own mental illness is perceived as "too much awareness." i.e. you can't be sick if you know that you're sick (and low and behold you accept it and admit to it) - that's like a social taboo. But then if you're not honest and open about it, you're left open to a whole new category of criticisms. i.e. you're not trying hard enough to "fix yourself." you're not communicating. you're pulling away/being too distant. you don't trust the people around you. you're sulking. etc. etc. etc. Either way, it's easy to feel that grey haze of guilt. You're definitely not alone with those thoughts even as we should know better. Sadly, the stigmas surrounding mental/emotional illness leave little room for winning.
  24. Hey everyone. This is... new for me. Just registering on this forum felt like a confession of sorts... even though I've been dealing with my own list of "illnesses" for long enough now. Lately though... I've been having a hard time. I just moved halfway across the country (America) by myself... it's been kind of a trigger for me, anxiety being a major, major problem of mine. Anxiety instigates the depression... and severe enough bouts of depression instigate other, less easily-explainable symptoms. I'm afraid to talk to anyone about how hard it's getting (not that I have many people to talk to). This whole moving process was basically my family's attempt at ... "flooding" might be an appropriate term. They hope that by leaving me completely isolated and forcing me to deal with my issues alone... that I'll "get over it," so to speak. A common problem of perspective, I know. I'm trying. But... this is going downhill fast and I don't want to disappoint the people I'm apparently a burden to. Enough of that though. I joined hoping to... I don't know, honestly. Get some advice. Offer some, if I can. I've been lacking any social connection lately. I feel like I'm going to burst if I don't find some form of healthier outlet.
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