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Everything posted by ASLycoris

  1. It's... really hard to say. I've been suffering with depression since I was very young and have had family members who also suffer with depression or bipolar disorder, so I know what it's like from both sides. Firstly, you have to understand that medication isn't a cure - it's more like a bandage, and... quite frankly... 10 mg of lexapro would not do a thing for me. But, of course, everyone is different. If lexapro is the first medication he's been on, it might not even be the right choice for him. Finding the proper treatment for an individual can take years. It's a difficult, tiring process. You also have to understand that depression... can completely hinder a person's ability to function. Some of us have trouble finding the motivation/energy just to shower. Many non-depressed people assume this is just an extreme form of laziness, but it isn't... and it's nearly impossible to explain to someone who's never experienced it. Depression takes a very real physical toll on people. Imagine not sleeping or eating for a couple of days... how absolutely wretched and exhausted you would feel... then go for a 2 mile run. Come home, lay down on the couch... the second you sit down, every major negative emotion hits you... sorrow, regret, shame, fear, guilt... (you may not even understand why you're feeling those things)... and then from there, with your dead muscles and cocktail of negativity, try convincing yourself to get up and do something productive. If you could manage to get up off that couch, you'd probably be impossibly sore, pretty irritable, and emotionally distracted. I'm not even doing the condition justice. It's also very easy to become defensive and what you might consider "oversensitive" ... taking things too personally isn't uncommon either. But all that being said, just because that's how depression can affect people... doesn't mean that's how it presents in your husband. And just because he's acting emotionally indifferent... doesn't mean it's a symptom of his illness. He really could just be an a******. It can be the cause though. I'm very emotionally distant. People have described me as being "emotionally dead" because I don't outwardly show sadness and I have a hard time expressing joy. However, I actually feel things more intensely than most people. When they think I look indifferent, I'm internally trying not to breakdown. If he made the effort to get some help (the medication)... that's a good sign. However, I'd say pills aren't enough. He should be in consistent therapy (if he isn't already). Having a professional assess what's causing his supposed indifference could help give you clarity as well. But I honestly believe he could be making a better effort to get you to come home. You shouldn't have to be the one continuously trying to make a connection... as hard as it may be for him, he has to be understanding of your needs as well. Losing a spouse is a serious affair. Maybe he doesn't feel worthy of you, maybe he feels you don't care enough, or maybe his priorities fell out the window and he doesn't care enough. So basically depression can explain his behavior, but I don't feel it's necessarily a justification for not even trying to show you that he still cares. You have to want to get better. You have to want change. As frustrating or as hard as it may be, taking your pills is a doable thing if getting well really means something to you.
  2. I... have to deal with too many triggers tomorrow. People are coming to deliver/remove furniture. AND my mother's boyfriend is coming over to ... well, I don't even know what. "Check no me" for my mom (My mother doesn't live here. Nor is she currently even in this state). He hates me... but in that really uncomfortable way because he wants to strangle me (literally), but he has told me that he finds me very attractive. He's a huge, intimidating guy with alpha male syndrome. I'm always scared around him.
  3. Silence the Spider Queen and watch her eyes glow. Inside the fake I seek, I'll burn this halo. ... "Our Friend Lazarus Sleeps" -I Am Ghost
  4. I think it gets easier to not become so overwhelmed by your emotions. You shouldn't be afraid that a new sexual or romantic relationship will lead to the same amount of pain. I'm not saying it wont lead to pain, but I think we just become more... accepting. However, I by no means think you should try to find a "replacement" while you're still in the state you are now. It's hard to give advice for something that everyone has experienced to some degree. No one really knows how to handle love and loneliness. But I do hope you can find a way to pull yourself out of it. The past might seem comfortable, but future relationships could also be so much better. You never know.
  5. Put yourself in my place for just one day, watch all the colors in your spectrum fade grey. More aware than ever that I might never be calm again, and it shakes every f***ing bone. ... "Swords and Pens" -The Story So Far
  6. Hey. Welcome. I'd say posting here is definitely worth a shot... Venting is completely acceptable, so it's an outlet if nothing else. This place is actively helping me sort out my feelings and misunderstandings about my own illnesses. I've spoken to multiple people who I can really relate to, so having people who genuinely understand is such a relief for me. There's a possibility it could do the same for you. I hope you continue to improve. Best wishes & I hope to see you around more.
  7. hmm... interesting. B.- Hey. You'll probably see my name and wonder who the hell I even am. That's typical, isn't it? And partially outrageous... that someone like you could devote so much time to ruining another's person's life... only to forget they ever existed. Or maybe you do remember, and you're thinking I'm oversensitive and melodramatic for being stuck on a child's cruelty. Either way, it wouldn't matter. You wouldn't even recognize me anymore. I grew up. Filled in. Fixed my teeth. Lost the bridge of freckles across my nose. The year you instant messaged me to tell me I was too fat to be loved... I lost half my body weight. I guess I'm beautiful now. Remember how you slowly stole my friends? They're still gone. And you can keep them. Remember how you called me names until the kids all chanted with you? Remember how good you felt when you saw me shaking in the stairwell? When you convinced our homeroom teacher I was a liar and a thief (all because I tried to get some help)? Do remember the day I broke my arm? When you laughed and left me lying on the ground? It took 20 minutes for them to find me... not nearly as long as it took me to find myself. I saw you and your sister on my college campus... almost fifteen years later and three states away. I thought I was making you up. But you were there. And you smiled at me, politely, when I stiffly passed you by. They tell us that bullies need support just as much as we do. That they hurt us because they're hurting too. But I've been broken since before I even met you... and I have never picked up that gun.
  8. What have I seen other than what the bottom looks like?Stuck somewhere between the gloom and the lightWhen you’re working towards building back those broken boardsYou sometimes lose your footingYou often find yourself putting off everyone while finding comfort in other songsTo distract the fact that you’re actually disappearingI have no excuses that I can offerJust the hope that your forgiveness will hold back the waterFor what its worth… I’m sorryAnd at the end I swear I’m trying. ... "Amends" -Touché Amoré
  9. Hey! Welcome to DF. To repeat Sommer a bit, you're definitely not alone. Talking to people who are going through similar things can be pretty therapeutic, so I think you should try and stick around - at least for a little while to see how it goes. I can relate to finding an escape through music. I make music just as often as I listen to it. Also, never compare your situation to that of others. Everyone has a different pain threshold and everyone experiences different things in different ways. You deserve support just as much as anyone else and I hope you can find that here. Best wishes.
  10. Did you have an actual relationship with the girl or was it just a casual acquaintance and then... well, sex. The way you said "she moved away shortly afterwards" left me a little confused as to if there was an actual relationship going on or not... But anyway, I'm 23 myself. I was in a committed relationship for... 3 years (and was emotionally attached/best friends with the guy for two years prior). He was my first... everything, basically. That being said (and from experience watching other people), I can tell you that the first person you're that intimate with (even if you're a guy with questionable motives) tends to stay with you... if you develop feelings for the first person you sleep with... your perspective of them can become absolutely warped. People end up glorifying the relationship/person/interactions to the point where they may even remember things as if everything took place under a rose-tinted lens. I'm not saying that's necessarily what's happening with you, but it's... pretty common, I think. And a possibility. You have to focus on the reality of the situation. She doesn't seem to have feelings for you... you can't (and shouldn't be expected to) hang on to something that's not only futile, but emotionally damaging. It seems like you might just be lonely, so you're holding onto the last meaningful connection you think you had. Don't for a second think you can't meet someone else. Trust me, it's possible to love more than one person in a lifetime. It takes time, but it will get better. I know everyone says that, but it's true.
  11. *Warning that some of the following words could be emotionally triggering. Hmm. I... have next to no willpower, honestly. There have been times where I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I haven't recently tried to end my own life... is that I'm too unmotivated to do so. I have no energy. No drive. Nothing to look forward to that's pulling me through the days. I'd have to say I can relate to finding strength when its in the service of other people. We are naturally social creatures... constantly seeking approval and positive interaction. That being said, it's easy to become dependent on other people to keep you healthy and happy. And you're right, it's not going to help anyone long term. At some point, doing things I used to love... doing anything, really... became more stressful/exhausting than enjoyable. I'll make plans, excited, and then as the date comes closer... I stop wanting to follow through with said plans and lose any excitement or joy that I had. I think the only reason I usually stay on top of my psychical looks... is because I loathe myself so much that I have to. When I've had willpower in the past... it usually came from negative places. Hate. Guilt. Obligation. But the most dramatic changes to my life I've made came from me wanting something better for myself. I kind of took all the self pity I was wallowing in and turned it into... almost, anger... admittedly. "I deserve better than this. I want better than this. I need better than this, and I can't let it get any worse." I have an image of what I want to be like... how I want to feel. Short term, I try to slowly chip away at all the things that are bothering me in the moment because the better I feel in the moment... the more productive I feel as time passes... the more I can get things done. Eventually the depression manages to shackle me again, but... I try to give myself credit for the small steps. Even when the footprints seem to have washed away.
  12. I'm getting this hilarious urge to write 'friends wanted" with Christmas lights on the outside of my house. Maybe I'll make a connection with one of the cops that shows up to question me for "worrying" the neighborhood. :p Joking, of course. Sometimes it helps quite a bit, sometimes it doesn't. In the very least, I learned quite a while ago that it's important not to try and lean on the first opportunities that come your way... common sense that's very easy to overlook when you want that physical and emotional contact so badly. :/
  13. working on my masterpiece. joy.

  14. Myself. I'm secretly hilarious when I do stupid things.
  15. Yeah, that certainly doesn't 'bode' well... I'm at the same place as Root, really. I considered looking into groups of common interest, but not only are they hard to find for me... but not many people have an interest in trying to form new relationships, it's true. At least... not many people I come into contact with. This problem actually bothers me more than most... because having ANY kind of social connection would at least get me on my feet more, but I feel like there's not much helping it.
  16. I actually see this as the other way around. As far as actual relationships go. It's true though that it's easier for a girls to "get laid" though... I think it's because guys see sex differently. But do you realize how offensive you are? Not just to women, but to the human species. I mean, I'm no advocate for humanity... but you're suggesting people cannot control their biological impulses concerning "mating"... which they can.And attraction may not be a choice, but we actually ARE attracted to different things. It's not purely physical. It's also emotional/psychological. And where as the biological aspect may govern some immediate physical responses, it doesn't determine who you choose to be with. And it certainly doesn't decide how you feel and what adorable quirks about a person become like emotional foreplay for you. These so-called "Burning Desires" don't even need to dictate who you choose to SLEEP with. Hell, some people hardly even have a sex drive, but still commit to relationships for want of a genuine connection. OF COURSE people find certain features of either gender attractive... and OF COURSE it's hard not to respond to that. I mean, what? Do you only approach women you find miserably unattractive? Some people only care about looks, it's true. But that doesn't hold true to ALL women or ALL men even though we're BOTH biologically driven to notice certain things... that go far beyond surface appearance. The fact that you're sitting here calling women VAPID is the problem. Men are just as guilty of prioritizing appearance as women are. I mean, you're complaining because you're a 22 year old virgin... which means you're prioritizing sex to genuine intimacy. That's much better? Basically... you're trying to over-simplify everything while demonizing women. So many people have said it, but you're not going to get anywhere thinking like that. Do you have bad relationships with other women in your life aside from the girls who have rejected you? Your level of misogyny is kind of impressive otherwise.
  17. Thank you for the kind words. It's sick how many people have blamed me for the abuse. Or have told me the emotional aspect of it isn't "legitimate" abuse. So many people of both genders get that as a response in today's society. For everything. Victims being blamed for the crime. Which I guess is what I do to myself concerning my depression, you're right. To answer your metaphor, no... probably not. But, as you said, people with broken legs also don't have everyone around them harassing them for not just getting up and walking. Sometimes it makes me doubt that my illness is even real. I've spoken to multiple people on this forum who have felt similarly... that the stigmas attached to depression sometimes convince US we're crazy. But even so... I'd still feel guilty if I had a broken leg and someone else had to help me get around or help carry my things.. hold a door for me. Or if I had to waste everyone's time by having to use a ramp to get on a bus. Or if I accidentally caused a traffic jam in a hallway due to being too slow. I do have an impact on the people around me even if it's unintentional. Your former partner told you you were bad at sex? That's awfully... low. Why people ever choose to put focus on that in committed relationships... I'll never understand. Casual relationships? Sure. But otherwise it just seems petty. I don't think I resent any former partners, just myself/my decisions from time to time. Though I try to remember a quote "Never wish to change the past unless you wish to change yourself." I... sometimes feel like I wish I was different, but then I realize most of what I want to change just revolves around improving my own health. 5'8" might be "average" (supposedly) but... in the past 4 years (yes, years) I've only come into contact with 2 girls who were my height or slightly taller. Average height among my female friends was 5'2" ... average height for guys was between 5'6" and 5'10." Most hover around 5'7". Apparently, we're used to much different height ratios. And I know it has nothing to do with physical beauty, but it... I don't know how to explain it. I feel like I take up too much space. It makes me very self aware when everyone around me is shorter.It's funny that you mention logistics about the height difference though. I had a friend who was 5'3" ... her boyfriend was 6'2" ... he basically had to pick her up to interact with her in any way. Hah Facebook does suck, but if I didn't have a facebook... I would probably never interact with anyone. Ever. I'd have no other way to keep in contact with family or old friends... as sad as that is. 'Course, at the moment I mostly use it to talk to my sister. Ah! I love Salem. So, so much. Almost went to college there... ended up opting for Vermont, but it was a definite possibility. Love the neighborhoods there (well, most of them). Fall is gorgeous in New England... Southern New England/New Hampshire... Maine's foliage is crap despite the tourism it attracts... it only lasts for a very brief period of time. Well, Maine is... odd. The cost of living is expensive, but things are technically cheap. Problem is, you get paid a lot less for the same jobs you could be doing elsewhere. If you don't live in southern Maine (basically Portland) or on the coast, you're probably commuting at least an hour to work (and gas is not cheap). There is hardly any public transportation, so taking a bus to save on gas most likely isn't an option. If you do live in a well-populated area of maine... the cost of renting/buying houses/apartments is obviously increased quite a bit unless you choose to live in particularly low-income areas. So that may or may not be the equivalent of commuting. Most houses/apartments in Maine are old... meaning old, unreliable appliances and faulty insulation... which means your electric bill can be outrageous and HEATING. Heating is terrible. Best choice would probably be a wood stove (if you cut your own wood). And wood stoves aren't allowed in rents. We had so many things go wrong with the houses we stayed in so we had to constantly pay for repairs. And internet is... horrible in rural areas. If you even have access to something other than dial-up. Where I lived, it took 2 hours to get to a decent place to shop. And an hour to get to a grocery store. If you wanted to be directly in Portland and could get yourself a job, it's probably more doable than the situation I was in. Though, the cost of renting places in rural Maine can be very, very cheap. I stayed in a 3 bedroom house with a covered bridge/river and full yard... It was under $500 a month. For a house. Not including utilities. But that's insanely cheap if you're used to renting in Mass or CT. I really want to visit London. That sounds amazing. Europe sounds amazing. Everywhere outside of America sounds amazing. I think I have an unreasonable paranoia regarding cities though. I live in Texas at the moment... in a gated community. This house has two alarm systems and there's no record of crime in this neighborhood. So I should feel okay, but I have episodes where I'm convinced I'm in some kind of imminent danger. Bizarre, right? I don't know if that's the anxiety disorder or just me being insanely unreasonable. And lastly: Totally why I don't trust medication anymore. Not necessarily withdrawals, but what medications can do to you. The side-effects. The things they can cause if you're misdiagnosed (i.e. what can happen if they try to treat you for bipolar when you're only suffering from depression). How some pills cause your condition to worsen exponentially if you stop taking the medication. The only medication I take at the moment is for the anxiety. Because if I didn't take it, I'd probably end up hospitalized. I'd really like to know if anyone has ever gotten anywhere with more natural remedies. Oh and you should definitely try and get up to a cabin in Maine. Though I hope you like New England winters if you plan on going anytime soon. February is probably the worst time to go in that regard.
  18. You said you're 22, right? Are you in college? I know it's a common stereotype, but it's kind of true (from my experience, anyway)... I know plenty of girls who had a different guy in their dorm room every other night. Even if you're not in college/on a campus... I'm 23. I know plenty of girls from like 19-38 who wouldn't think twice about random sex. And I assure you their standards are not very high. I mean, I'm not saying it's easy to have spontaneous sex with girls who'd meet your dating standards. And obviously it takes some tact and social interaction (You're going to have to put in some effort, yeah). But... I wouldn't say it's that hard to come into contact with someone who'd sleep with you just for the entertainment of it or for the false affection (not that I'm saying I support that behavior). You'd have to actually express interest though without coming off as a creep. That would be the hard part. So yeah, I guess you have a point in that the social interaction required to have random sex might be difficult for some people. I didn't consider that it also depends on where you live... I know the US is definitely not shy about sexual promiscuity. I don't really support random sex with strangers though. And that's not just a "girl" thing... I know guys who also think that behavior is kind of self-harming and not as satisfying.
  19. forum nonsense. netflix. looking for possible jobs. trying to become motivated to get up off my butt and start the washing machine.
  20. ... I don't mean to sound... harsh... (I really don't mean to be with this statement) but if you objected to a girl's sexual advances (or lead them on just to leave them with nothing)... it's understandable that they wouldn't be too thrilled about interacting with you after that. They probably feel rejected themselves. Your hateful viewpoint towards women and your self-loathing probably wouldn't help you gain a relationship of any kind. I know it's like a viscous circle because rejection causes the hatred and the hatred can cause rejection, but there it is... If you really just wanted the sex part... I'm sure you could find that.
  21. Well, for people with clinical depression... it's not something that has a magical solution. You just have to find different ways to heal and help yourself... whether that be through a cocktail of medications, meditation, physical health improvement, counseling/talk therapy, group therapy, spiritual motivation/enlightenment, your own solutions, or (usually) through a mixture. I think even acupuncture is used as a possible aid in depression. It's a difficult thing to accept, but no. You most definitely do not have to become a hermit. There are ways to manage depression, you just have to find the right assortment of bandages to go along with your cocktail of pills. Some people can actually learn to feel quite a bit better. Just to let you know, there's no need to be ashamed of anything... be it physical or emotional. I promise it's nothing the people on this forum haven't heard, experienced, or discussed before.
  22. FiguringThingsOut- I know what you mean. Especially with people just being blatantly rude and self-absorbed. One of my little sister's "friends" told her no one should want to be friends with her because she's "too introverted" and "boring" because she never wants to talk about or do anything "fun." I believe her exact words following that were "there's always someone talking louder or standing closer, so why should I pay attention to you?" ... I'm not that protective of my sister, and I still wanted to smack that brat upside the head. The two of them are seniors in highschool. InFlames - Insomnia is fun, isn't it? It's... 5 something a.m. right now? I'm going to feel sick as hell tomorrow... "morning". *I apologize in advance for this being ridiculously long. You lived in Mass? I love Boston, actually (to visit on occasion). I used to go there all the time for concerts when I lived in CT. I could see myself moving back to Maine, yeah. If I could afford it and could live somewhere... better than where I had been living. With the money that was spent to buy the house I live in now, I could've gotten a mansion for in Maine. Legitimately. The problem is the cost of living... Maine is expensive unless you live completely off the grid... and unless you want to do manual labor working in a paper mill, chances are you wont find a well-paying job. My family still owns a cabin up in Maine, though (for now). Right on a lake. I'd prefer Vermont or New Hampshire though, honestly. What's London like just out of curiosity? It's good that you can be so accepting of your past and of your marriage. Usually people are insanely spiteful and angry that they wasted so much of their life with a person they realized they weren't compatible with a few years into the decade long commitments. That just seems so painful/stressful to go through. I don't regret the longest relationship I've been in despite what happened/how it ended. I learned a lot and I'm glad it happened, but I can't say that for the other relationships. As much as I do believe I learned things about myself and had some interesting experiences... sometimes I think back on them and feel... sick (for lack of a better term). When it comes to the whole 'feeling like a burden' thing... I'm not sure that's escapable for me... even in a healthy relationship. It's just that... my family and former friends all view(ed) me as nothing but a problem. It's funny, because I've literally been called a plague before. This isn't my lack of self-esteem or my skewed perspective... it's how they really feel. So I naturally assume my partner would begin feeling the same way they do. And I don't mean to suddenly get dramatic, but to help explain... I was in emotionally damaging relationships with two separate people who would yell at me and/or physically hurt me if I cried. That's why I have a hard time talking to people when I'm having trouble or why people think I seem "emotionally dead" sometimes. I kind of view any kind of negative emotion/behavior as a nuisance to the people around me, so the fact that I'm so depressed... makes me feel nauseatingly guilty sometimes... all on its own. I'm aware that that's wrong, but it's proving difficult to correct even with the help I've received. Now onto a lighter note. I actually can't decide just how attractive I find someone until after I've been around them. Personality/presence adds a lot to how I perceive a person. I'm attracted to people who make me feel comfortable and... this might sound silly, but feminine. I feel huge a lot of the time because I'm so damn tall. I'm not a stick, but I'm not overweight. I shouldn't have to feel huge. I, admittedly, used to get pretty jealous over tiny girls that could be thrown up onto people's shoulders. Didn't even have to do with appearances, really... I just thought that action was cute and it still kind of irks me that I'm not 'fun sized' so to speak. I know it's childish. To touch on the subject of children, I was casual friends with a lot of people in their early/mid-thirties when I lived in Maine... they all were unmarried with children. I find that people kind of... become their kids, so to speak. Facebook profile pictures become of their kids. Every status update is about their kids. One guy I knew... every. single. conversation was about his little boy. Unless he was drunk... and then every conversation was about the boy's mother. My family is pretty dysfunctional, yet even my mom is mostly her kids... even if it's just living to complain about them. I just can't relate to that. I applaud the [good] parents of the world... because I think I might be too selfish for that kind of commitment. And don't be sorry about my move. I do/will miss the country, but I'm trying to look at it as a new experience. I love horses and I'm sure to find a ton down here, at least. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway.
  23. Okay, the insomnia is kind of bumming me out.

  24. Same as always, really... lonely... anxious about everything/nothing. And now I'm having more physical problems on top of that. Though I'm still alright, I suppose.
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