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ASLycoris

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Everything posted by ASLycoris

  1. I'm... confused. You're normal. That's normal. Insanely normal. And healthy... like Adam said. Why do you feel so guilty about using the internet? Most people use it... way more than you do... Do you perceive using the internet to socialize as wrong somehow? I... have never met anyone with your mindset... Of course you'd be driven to socialize via the internet if you're lacking it in real life? Maybe you should start by asking yourself how/why it could possibly BE wrong in the first place? Or why you're so stuck on what is or isn't "normal?" I wish I had something more helpful to say, but I'm having a hard time following your logic.
  2. Woah. Is that level of cleaning really expected? Really? I don't think I've ever moved a fridge just to clean behind it... I suffer from a bit of ocd and... need things to be clean, yet you just made me feel insanely lazy. Kudos to you if you manage to do all that. And not for nothing, but I hate the smell of bleach. I hate it. I'd almost rather just deal with the smell of a garbage can than with the smell of bleach... And I have a tin garbage can that retains smell just as badly. You'd think they could make garbage cans that, you know, don't do that. Instead they just sell scented garbage bags... which is kind of like mixing cheap candles with something rank... adds a level of questionable "perfume," but doesn't quite get rid of the odor. I have a Christmas tree in here (a live evergreen tree), but I haven't had the money to buy a vacuum cleaner so I end up having to pick the needles out of the carpet by hand. Yes, I know I have strange priorities. But good luck with all of that! x_x
  3. Anyone else write to clear their mind rather than to just vent or complicate it? I actually find that it reduces stress and let's me find a happy medium for my emotional state. Might be because I have a weird way of writing though. I'll have to tweak this or pick it apart for other uses later, but I wrote this scrap just now: Some cliche images, but writing bits and pieces like these help me get out of writing blocks. [Your Spectrum] You say stars are envied things, humming with a whiteness that pierces the night. And the sun is a child, blushing in shame of its light. You see red as less than a colour, and hear it as an ice pick clamoring in your mind. Yet, your eyes are bloodshot and your fingers are rosebuds. You think you're black as the taste on your tongue that writhes with the flavor of Oleander. If only you could know you're something bare, scorched pure by the flames beneath your ribcage. Your spirit is a constellation of the desert. Your skin is white hot sand. And when you melt into yourself you become like glass, sharp enough to pierce the darkness of empty air. Your ashen vertebrae dyed dahlia. And your grace, the shade of a lunar eclipse.
  4. A pony! No... really. That wont happen though... so some socks without holes in them would be nice.
  5. Lately, I've been getting unreasonably angry at any kind of "inspirational" or "motivational" quote/image. You know those cliche pictures you see on facebook (or anywhere on the internet, really)... with overdone backgrounds and pretty little words telling you to appreciate some aspect of life? Just seeing them makes me absolutely furious. It's insane. I know those kinds of things have always irked me... because they seem naive and they typically find their way to me through self-righteous people... but how upset I've been getting lately isn't really justified. Is it because I loathe myself and my own mindset so much that anything positive just strikes a chord with me? Or is it because these dull words really have no meaning anymore? Especially to people who are suffering? Does everyone naturally find comfort in those types of images/words or are they more to boost the self-esteem of people who think they already accomplish those things/that positive perspective? My therapists like to tell me that it has to do with point of view. That positive people find the "good" in the worst situations and that I should learn to do the same... but isn't that... wrong on some level? I mean, I'm not saying it can't be good for someone's well-being... to always see the best in people and in life... it's probably very comforting. But if you're looking at something that's predominantly negative and forcing it to be positive... isn't that insanely irresponsible? It feels like a lie. Does everyone go around lying to themselves about how messed up the human aspects of the world are or does everyone just choose not to see it? That being said, I've become increasingly unproductive lately. I play video games or get lost in my various shows/movies. It's gotten so bad that sometimes I mix the fantasy worlds with real life. Those interactions start seeming like genuine memories. I've even caught myself thinking about life as if it were a video game... An "I can always just restart from my last save" kind of thing. It's horrible. So I've been taking a break from games and just... started rewatching old, beloved shows when I need to reduce stress. Now I'm getting too caught up in those. I have no idea what to do. The world as it exists doesn't satisfy me in any way... the future just seems bleak or nonexistent. How do I go about finding the motivation to get on with my "life" when I can't find an aspect of reality worth holding onto? Anything I could care about is much too far out of my reach.
  6. Well, I know that sometimes mental illness runs in the genetics. If your mother had bipolar disorder or clinical depression, it's possible you also have some type of chemical imbalance (i.e. biological), but it's more than likely a combination of biological factors and life circumstance. I don't know why you'd want to stay with your husband after he left you (whether it was because of the depression or something else)... he clearly is not the type of person you need in your life. You need support. Patience. Understanding... not someone who would up and leave when you're emotionally unstable. That being said, he's also not the type of person your son needs in his life. I wish my mother had gotten divorced when I was young. Having both parents there to raise you isn't worth anything when they're abusive to you or to each other... it only further wrecks your sense of self and family. If he was going to come back... it'd need to be his own decision. Not out of guilt or pressure from you. If you're not already in therapy... you should really consider it... and should have probably considered it years ago. You need some kind of support in your life... and a psychiatrist will be able to give you unbiased advice as to your situation... and how to help yourself. Best wishes.
  7. Hmm. Well, I was very quiet... curious. I'd do a lot of exploring, but I didn't even cry as a child. As I started getting older, I noticed big differences between myself and my peers. I was thinking on an entirely separate level from them... and was particularly advanced in my academics. Socially though... I couldn't fit in. I grew up with adults and didn't know how to interact with people my own age (and yet because I was abused at home and bullied in school I also grew up not trusting adults).. I didn't have any real friends until Highschool... when the balance between the two mindsets kind of evened out... but as I got older, people started becoming unforgiving concerning my personality flaws. And I developed a problem. Now, I seem to have a dual personality. Part of me is spontaneous, prideful, blunt/honest, and somewhat confrontational. The other part of me is unsociable, quiet, lacking self-esteem, and passive. I don't really know how that happened, but... I struggle between the two. As if I have two modes I can switch between.
  8. Hmmm.... well my geekier tastes are going to come out with this one, but this song: (The reason why it may sound strange is because it's an English translation). "Bad Apple" Even in the midst of flowing time,look, listlessness dances round and round.I can’t even see my heartas it withdraws from me, and I don’t care.Even if i don’t make a move,I keep being swept away through the cracks of time.I don’t give a damn about anything around me.I am me, and that’s all there is to it.Am I dreaming? Am I seeing nothing?My words are useless, even if I were to speak them.Sadness only leaves me exhausted,and I’d rather live my days feeling nothing.Even if you told me those bewildering words,my heart would be elsewhere, not listening.If I were to make a move on my own, and change everything,I’d still turn it all black.Is there a future for someone like this?Do I belong in this world?Does my heart ache now? Do I grieve now?I simply know nothing about myself.Merely walking leaves me exhausted,so how could I care about anyone else?If even someone like me could change,were I to actually change, I’d turn white.If I make a move, if I make a move,I’ll destroy it all, I’ll destroy it all.If I grieve, if I grieve,would my heart turn white?I still know nothing about you, nothing about myself,nothing about anything at all.If opening my heavy eyelids means I’ll destroy everything,then let it all turn black.
  9. writing. "working." reading. gaming. watching various movies and/or series... It's a productive lifestyle.
  10. ...You sound just like my mother... That being said, I'm probably a bit biased about this scenario. So I'll just say that a lot of the "minor" confrontations my mother and I get into are caused by something deeper... something that's more than likely gone unmentioned for an extended period of time. In other words, one of us will be caught up on a bigger conflict, but instead of addressing it, we end up becoming inappropriately angry at one another for almost everything. Either that, or the confrontations are due to built up frustration over a bunch of smaller things. It's never just about the "inappropriate family pet conduct" with us. And I, being depressed, have a tendency to be a bit sensitive to certain things... yet instead of showing that sensitivity it comes out as "defensive hostility" or indifference. Could be something similar with her, I don't know.
  11. Why does this bother you so much? Was the thing you saw something extremely inappropriate/unusual or something? I feel like it's not uncommon to have your first experiences with sexual content/activity kind of stick with you. Mine certainly do... And as far as acting it out goes... When I was little (maybe 4 or 5)... I saw two people kissing on television, so I turned to my grandmother, put my hands on her cheeks, and kissed her right on the lips. Of course, back then everyone thought it was innocent and adorable... which it kind of was. I was just trying to make sense of what I saw (it's what kids do). Kissing isn't exactly all that sexual a behavior, but it's the same concept. The fact that you still act it out from time to time probably just means you enjoy(ed) it. You probably still associate sexual pleasure with that activity because you were so into it when you were young. Your body recognizes that as something that affects you "in that way." I don't think you should feel so... ashamed. It doesn't seem like such a huge deal? We all have our quirks and odd preferences.
  12. Hey. You can all feel awesome about yourselves because at the moment I hardly do anything at all... took a break from classes and don't have steady employment. No friends. No family around at the moment... Not even any pets right now. I actually... was watching a show on Netflix called "Hart of Dixie" and these quotes made me happy (I think they somewhat apply to feeling bad about not doing much): "Sometimes I think you're just the saddest person in the world. You're always looking over your shoulder wondering what life should be instead of taking it for what it is. You're not honest about what makes you happy. You what I'm going to do tonight? I'm going to go home and play video games for two or three hours. What I'm not going to do is beat myself up for playing video games instead of saving the world. If I wanted to save the world, hell, I'll do it tomorrow. 'Cause it's my choice."
  13. Yeah, it's not that hard. I've lived in some pretty crappy houses with insulation falling out of the walls and unfinished floors with 2 dogs, 4 cats, a rabbit, and a teenager... the place was kept decently clean. The dishes are definitely the worst. If those build up, nothing feels clean... and dirty dishes smell. If you use real cookware instead of what Lauryn suggested, wash the dishes immediately. No excuses. Are the dogs untrained? Not getting out enough? Bored? Why don't you designate time to take the dogs for walks together? You get quality time with your girlfriend, exercise, and the dogs are way less likely to go to the bathroom in the house... they'll also calm down if they're prone to hyperactivity. The key is to just take care of messes as they happen instead of letting them sit. Sure, it might seem frustrating and exhausting, but it's worth it. Otherwise, one problem just contributes to the next.
  14. Yeah, I'm not affiliated either. I hardly ever agree with either side... like right now, I pretty much loathe every political figurehead you could name. I think I just naturally dislike politicians. But if I had to pick a side... probably democrat. My personal belief system (disregarding how I think a government should be run) generally falls more towards liberal... I think the government is sol either way.
  15. Did some grocery shopping. Picked up some yummy smelling pine cones as more holiday decor for the house. Whined about my back hurting. & Not much else!
  16. I don't really identify with any of the labels as I see myself as romantically "open." Because it's what I'm most familiar with (and because I don't actively try to seek out women)... I'd generally pick "straight" ... However, I've been attracted to women (and I dated one for a while in highschool). I'd be open to pretty much anything as long as I had a strong enough emotional connection. I don't really see the need for such rigid preferences.
  17. I apologize in advance if this addresses things out-of-order or if I sound like a jumbled mess... my brain isn't working well today. 30 women? Is it just me or does that seem like an insanely high number? Do you know how many guys I've dated this year? 2. And one of them was more my friend... and we were just kind of like "let's treat ourselves to a date. no strings." I will say though that just because you're "perfectly suited" in terms of tastes/hobbies... doesn't necessarily mean you're perfectly suited for eachother in the context of a relationship. I know that firsthand. Also getting attached to someone after "2 months of talking/dating" isn't even remotely pathetic. That's more than enough time to develop a connection to someone... especially considering I've had people try to tell me they were "in love" with a person after a one night stand. Really? Your two months is perfectly acceptable comparatively. I think before you "stop obsessing" and move on with your life, you should probably... you know... find out how she really feels. You might be quick to dismiss other people's intentions due to your own insecurities. I've said this before, but going into a relationship feeling like it wont work out... will more than likely cause it to fail. You could actually be subconsciously distancing yourself due to a fear of failure, but of course I can't really say. I, unfortunately, can't offer much advice towards overcoming "depressive overwhelment" ... what Epictetus says makes sense... about needing to love yourself more/give yourself more credit... but I don't find that to be so easy. And you seem to think you're not that self-deprecating? I think... if you do find that this relationship isn't going to work out... that you should take some time for yourself instead of jumping right back out there. I think you can become too focused on a singular goal (in this case dating) because you feel you need it to be happy. You don't need a relationship to be happy. And if you're too lonely to consider some time alone... You said you only have 2 friends you can actually call? Maybe work on just making friends with people, instead? Form a friendship of substance with someone who can get out and do the things you love with you... it might help put life back into focus. I also find the best romantic relationships start from solid friendships. Jumping too quickly into the romance without truly knowing a person tends to lead to disappointment... for me, at least.
  18. I agree with the two people talking about video games. Although... my choice for escapism would be geared more towards fantasy genres rather than post-apocalyptic. As for the actual question, I can understand your point of view. Agree 100% with this. I'm... sure people who don't live comfortably in first world countries would find this viewpoint offensive though.
  19. dsm- I can understand that. I really can. I... have a hard time leaving my house most of the time. I could make it into a store, but it'd be an accomplishment to get there. So congratulations! :) Seriously. Good for you. Last night I made it through a dinner out with a guy who hates me and a total stranger. It was a big accomplishment. A huge one. I was uncomfortable the entire time... if it wasn't for the tequila (and the fact that I was already tired), I probably would've had a panic attack in the restaurant. But I made it through. Didn't snap at anyone. Didn't start crying and embarrass myself. I was so (emotionally & physically) exhausted that I fell asleep the second I got home. Couldn't even change. But it was good. Of course, then I was belittled this afternoon for being unable to be "normal." Victory is short-lived, eh?
  20. i... don't feel well.

  21. I'm basically your polar opposite. I'm not forgiving. I hold grudges. Most of it stems from being distrustful of people... so letting people in takes a long time and a lot of work... if they betray me after that... I just can't. I think that as long as you feel okay with how you're responding to a situation... you're fine. Being a doormat implies you let people walk all over you because you don't have the confidence (or the energy/care) to stand up for yourself. If you're happy about forgiving people and giving in to what they want... then there's no need to worry about anything. I, personally, would've been too hurt by that scenario to simply accept her extremely late apology and let her back in. I would be unsatisfied with being that girl's convenient alternative option. But if you can look past that... more power to you. You must be a very secure individual.
  22. Never give up on something you're that passionate about because of another person. Don't let his insensitivity leave you with doubts... especially when you know it had nothing to do with your writing or your aspirations. He encouraged you at one point, didn't he? Inspired you? Hang onto that. He meant it then. And I'm sure he still does... whatever is preventing him from communicating with you is probably another matter entirely. It just sounds as though the romantic wires were unintentionally crossed. I'm sorry. I know how rough that must be. But as someone who also has an interest in creative writing (and the use of language in general)... you really moved me. Your belief in the possibilities of the art of fiction is worth hanging onto.
  23. ^ Yeah, I... would pretty much just listen to Arthur. Not too sure about the prostitute aspect, but... hey. If you're okay with the risks involved, you should go for it. You sound like you really need an outlet. And I promise. Not all the women in the supermarket are porn stars. There are plenty of women out there who are most definitely virgins. And even the ones who have had sex aren't necessarily "used to the idea" as if having sex were the same as eating your morning bowl of cheerios. Everyone else pretty much hit the nail on the head for the points I would've made, so... have fun. get laid. know that you're not alone. you're not the only virgin in the world. some women enjoy virgins. and you're only 27. you can still go out and have a good time... which you really seem to need. And if you want a real relationship, you should probably work on not objectifying women.
  24. Let me just raise my hand and join the party. I haven't had a friend in real life for a few years now. There are a few people I talk to via internet, but only randomly... and I feel like as "permanent" as those relationships will remain to be... they aren't very close to me. We never talk about anything serious beyond ex-boyfriends and current love interests (which I am unable to have anyway). ... if you can even consider those topics "serious." I should be able to make friends. I have very specific interests. Unfortunately, the real world doesn't usually have social clubs that meet outside of bars or chapels.
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