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About onlinefitnesstrainer24

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  1. I hope you are having a marvelous day! LGJ

  2. Few weeks ago I was feeling depressed practically everyday. I felt sad and lonely, was hating myself. Then all of a sudden it was like I stopped feeling those feelings and it scares me. When I felt depressed I at least had an idea of what I was feeling and could work on trying to cope with it. Now I don't know what I am feeling. I don't feel happy or sad. I wish that I could just have those old feelings back because at least I would know what direction I would be moving in, which would be to try and cope with those feelings. Now I don't know anymore.
  3. I am a member on Bodybuilding.com and it is a huge website but there is a forum section to it. There are section dedicated to certain fitness related things, and then there are misc sections which can be for just general chat. I've made some good friends on that website, but I think I am getting anxious about the social aspect of it. I find myself getting anxious if I am posting in a general chat thread because I worry what the other people will think of me. I know it is just the internet, but it is really the only friends that I have sadly. Sometimes I will post something and then go back multiple times and edit it, change it, even delete it because I get nervous if I didn't say something funny or appropriate enough. There is this thing called a rep bar under our avitar's and people can give you reputation or deduct reputation from you. So obviously if you say something someone like's they may give you reps as it is called. I have found myself becoming more obsessed with that, like thinking about it when I am on the website. Could this all be due to my lack of social interaction in real life therefore I have trouble socializing even online and feeling comfortable with it? Meaning I second guess everything, worry what people are going to think of me, etc. etc. It makes is depressing sometimes as opposed to enjoyable because I am like, "Why can't I just be normal about it?" I have noticed this in real life to that I get hard on myself sometimes like I don't know how to socialize. I don't know...I feel guilty that I am concerned about a freakin website but, I guess I really care what people think of me. Hence why I have become obsessed with the rep bar because if people give me reps then maybe I am establishing a good rep with other people....
  4. And now I sometimes feel tired even after getting a good night's sleep. I struggle with the littlest things, and have let certain things go. My room is a mess, and it used to never be so. I also lie down a lot or sit down, sometimes wrapped in a blanket for comfort, and sometimes will fall asleep. I still workout, but I take a stimulant pre-workout beforehand so it gets me going. Yet I sometimes question whether I am being lazy, but the rational part of my mind tells me know because I used to never be like this, only since depression has been taking over. The fact that I workout offers me some comfort because I at least am getting in some activity, and I train hard to. Been having bad body image issues lately, and have thought about just giving up and going back to my old eating disordered habits like not eating and restricting. I know I probably won't do this because I have worked so hard to build up my physique from what I used to be at with my eating disorder. It's just frustrating, one day you look in the mirror and you are proud and like what you see and then the next you hate yourself. My quality of life has just completely gone downhill in the last four years, and there has been a lot that has happened. I wonder if ever I will find love and have somebody, because right now I am all alone, all alone.
  5. Looking back at it when this all started, it mortifies me to believe that at six, seven years old I was engaging in the behavior that I am by myself. It is no wonder I still do it
  6. Like washing out a cup, fixing a meal, doing laundry, etc. Things that one would say is so easy yet with depression it is a major struggle.
  7. @ everyone I don't know if I could bring myself to say it, that's how ashamed I really am. I've only told one member as I said but not the specifics, just general.
  8. Appreciate the replies. I wish I could say what it is but I am embarrassed and ashamed.
  9. I hope I am not going to get chastised for talking about this yet again but I just need to vent about it. I've talked before about how I was exposed to something sexual at a very young age and it left me with a sexual fantasy that makes me feel disgusting, shameful, guilty, and abnormal. I have acted out my sexual fantasy since I was just a little kid. What was I supposed to do, I knew know better? I didn't even know what sex was let alone what it was I saw. The problem is I have not stopped, because I really like it while I hate myself and hate it at the same time. I know that people "play around" with sex but it bothers me. Sometimes I will look at other people and think to myself: "How not normal I am, what I did last night by myself and these normal people standing here happy and free." Obviously I know other people have sexual fantasies but I feel so guilty about mine. I have talked to one member on DF about it but I don't know if it helped. Why am I so attracted to this? Only if could say what it was... People do all kinds of weird stuff when it comes to sex, but I am doing it by myself because I am alone. Obviously I know other people engage in their "own" type of sexual pleasure, but it doesn't stop me from being guilty and ashamed. When I talk about guilty and shame, I mean severe guilt and shame, really really bad. Any advice or input? Anybody experience anything like this, or ARE CURRENTLY experiencing something like this?
  10. With the semester being over I have more time on my hands right now. I have started going to sleep early in the morning (2-3 am) and getting out of bed around noon so that way I can skip the morning and make it a little easier on myself I suppose. I fee l like I do nothing but eat, sleep and rest, and workout. I don't go out with friends or do anything, I have three friends who I think are my friends, but one of which lives far away from me and the other two, well, I am not sure what to say. I tried getting together with one of the two who live in my area but got no response. I just heard from him today because I decided to shoot him a message, and he said he was busy. I realize people are busy, but what hurts is he has dropped our plans before when we have made them, so it isn't like just a one time deal. He had said that we would hang out at the end of the week and then like I said, never heard from him. I browse the bodybuilding.com forums throughout the day, chatting with friends there and posting, but it of course isn't the same as real life. I have lost so much motivation for my business (online personal training), have stopped making YouTube fitness videos, just going down here. Sometimes I feel more run down, and will find myself lying around, etc. I DO force myself to do somethings, like earlier I went downstairs and tidied up a bit. It wasn't much, but at least it's something. I also did laundry. So, anyone care to add to this thread and talk about what you do with your days?
  11. Thanks for the response. I don't think about the entire life story over and over what happens usually is I get into a really depressive state and then thoughts just keep coming, coming, etc. Like it isn't like I wake up and think about what part of my past I can be sad over. And I know I DO have a future I just would like to be able to enjoy the journey there, and not be dealing with these types of feelings daily. I AM FIGHTING this, I have been fighting different things for four years including addiction and an eating disorder, as well as verbal / mental abuse. That is the one thing that scares me is if people think I don't fight because I do fight, but sometimes I literally feel the strain on my body, like it drains me of energy. And I have told one person on DF about my sexual behavior issues, but not in explicit details.
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