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About Ixeua

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  1. Despite staying at home and taking more than necessary precautions I somehow acquired COVID-19 (Wuhan coronavirus strain) weeks ago. So I have been on sick leave for nearly a month at this point. And yes, that means I am not assigned anything. Which is somewhat of a weird blessing considering how stressful the first few days of March were. It's like getting a reprieve but having the virus sucks. I am confined at home and cannot go out. And it's strange. Because the past few weeks have been a quiet, pleasant solace. After staying in bed for 2 weeks then getting up on the 3rd week I have lost track of time. I can't believe it's been nearly a month already since I have been confined. Time flies quickly (sometimes) and differently when you are alone in your thoughts.
  2. I have trouble sleeping. Like I feel tired but I barely get any sleep. I have work but I can't get any rest when I get home. Damn. I just get up go to work, come home, eat, shower sleep (if I get any) wake up to do pre-work stuff and analysis, then go back to the office. It's like this every weekday. Almost everyone goes trough this. I am just thankful I still have a job because I feel bad for people who lost theirs in this pandemic.
  3. OK. So half a year later (Wow time flies) things are a bit better but work is getting harder in a sense. While there is less actual work load it is becoming more challenging. While a masters degree has helped my career I do feel that expectations are now too high. And learning on the job is getting tougher. Which is good in a way i like a challenge but my energy is low. I don't know. I got a bit of a break last week (because I am sometimes asked to work at home on some days) but my energy is quite low. I just don't feel much motivation these days.
  4. So I have a friend who means a lot to me in a platonic sense. She means a lot to me but I can tell things are not right. She cut herself off from all contact to everyone (Unfortunately not the first time either. It's complicated). I am suppose to be working and studying now but I can't concentrate at all. I just feel so sad and fixate on this. It takes years for her to open up to people again and contact them again. I feel bad this is happening all over again. I feel sad. I can't work at all. I can't think of anything else.
  5. Thanks everyone for your replies. After some delays due to the pandemic, I was able to get my pay for the past 2 months. Thankfully, the company I work at was generous to give employees extra because of the pandemic. Though at the same time, I feel like I did nothing to deserve it. I know this is silly (or maybe not) but the only reason I keep going is because I am getting paid anyway. I am only doing it because of money and not much else. Initially I felt ashamed but I think it's probably normal to feel that way now. I think I should be lucky I still have a job. Especially considering that millions of people around the world have lost theirs because of the pandemic. But still, that thought doesn't motivate me. It actually demotivates me. As a newcomer I have no seniority and I am not considered essential at all. I will be lucky to still have a job by the end of this year. Either way I look at it, the situation everywhere is bleak. Getting a paycheck is the only thing I look forward to. Other than that, I don't see a point in anything anymore.
  6. I finally ended my long (years) struggle with depression sometime near the last few months of 2016. I graduated from a Masters last year. Got a new job some months later. I literally reported for work for just a day when I was told to not come to work anymore and work at home instead. Thing is, for the past few months during this pandemic, I hardly got any work done. I feel a bit embarrassed about it but I just don't seem to care anymore. I am not depressed. I just don't care that much about my job. There's nothing wrong with my job. They are supportive online. But I just don't care. With the world at a standstill and all these quarantines and lockdowns all over the world I just don't see a point. The rational side of me says, you need a pay check and you need to think of your future so that you are financially free eventually. But another side of me does not care about that. I just don't care that much of any future goals in this world now where everyone stays indoors over the past few months. In recent weeks, many places around the world are starting to ease restrictions. But life is just not the same anymore.
  7. I have been eating healthily and getting exercise. I still feel "out of it" and still struggle for words when I talk (similar to a condition called "aphasia"). I have already overcome depression for the past few years. But the side effects seem to linger. Perhaps I should exercise more? I don't know.
  8. I have overcome depression but still suffer cognitive problems that I had during that time period until today. I have been experienced: Short-term memory loss : As one source put it, people with short-term memory loss recall events that happened 20 years ago but have difficulty recalling events that happened 20 minutes ago. Difficulty finding words : I have difficulty finding words which makes conversations more difficult than they should be. I have difficulty recalling a word or trying to find something that is on the tip of my tongue. This leads to problems when having a conversation. Lower concentration and awareness : Feeling 'out of it'. Difficulty with recalling information and unable to properly regurgitate information Difficulty sleeping and insomnia. Not 'clicking' and feeling 'late' when trying to understand social cues someone is giving. All of these sometimes lead to problems with doing tasks and dealing with people. I am definitely not dealing with dementia or Alzeheimers' but one source called phenomenon pseudo-dementia.
  9. I am unable to sleep 6-8 hours straight. I often wake up 2-4 hours unintended. I have vivid dreams which seemingly last a very long time and may feel like 'days' have passed in dream time. I feel strange when I get up to find out only a few hours have passed. I get up for a few hours to work since I can't go back to sleep. I found out this is called segmented sleep. Apparently humans in the past slept this way. No idea if this interrupted sleep is healthy in the long run. I have been like this for some time now. I am prone to feeling sleepy later in the day and take naps in the car.
  10. This is terribly complicated but I have been seriously contemplating cutting off ties with some family members.
  11. Ah so that was the plan. That explains why. Thanks. I am aware the webmaster was ill and I do hope he gets better.
  12. Just going through the motions. Not feeling good but I have to work through the discomfort. I still have a paper to write. :( (I noticed this some weeks back. Is it just me or did they remove the 'likes system'? I thought that was very helpful and encouraging to show support. I hope it returns.)
  13. Has depression made you look older? I am wondering if chronic depression has a noticeable effect on people's appearances. People age as each day passes. But I wonder if depression accelerates that process.
  14. I am not sure about the context behind this. But I always tell myself that depression lies. Whatever part of you feels 'fake' would probably go completely unnoticed by everyone else. Depression lies and makes people feel that way by exaggerating our perceived flaws.
  15. I feel ... I don't know what to feel.... I'm in the throes again of existential depression. ----- I get this feeling I could end up single forever. I want to link to the WaitButWhy Article on "How to Find Your Life Partner" but I can't on this website. If you are single you are in 'Purgatory'; you are 1 step below the bliss of a great romantic relationship with a life long partner but 1 step above the hell of a terrible relationship. I am getting increasingly anxious as I get older. It's more than just meeting more people. It's more than just dressing right and looking good. I have gone to lengths to 'remodel' my personality away from the abyss of clinical depression that I once was in. That long period of my life under the throes of clinical depression is largely over but it's been replaced with existential depression. Despite going to lengths to remodel my personality over the years since then, becoming much more friendly and outgoing, I get this sinking feeling that as the years pass it gets harder to find a great life partner.
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