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AoM

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About AoM

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  1. Hi Evalynn, I am currently going through a severe procrastination phase, that I am slowly trying to wiggle out of. I have always been a delayer, but things have started to go a little bit out of control. I have started to become exhausted with it, and I am very slowly trying to get ahead of it by doing some tasks ahead of schedule. I have tonnes of work piled up, but I am focusing on the current things. Worrying about the oldest pending item usually sends me into a spiral and leaves me depressed, like I have been the past couple of days. What helps is to finish off some things from the 'current - to do list' and then quickly use that surge of positive reinforcement energy to finish a chunk off of the 'historical - to do list'. I am hoping to come out of this soon, without becoming an embarrassment at work. I hate to cheat, and I am wracked with guilt when I keep things pending at work, because I have a wonderful boss who is also a friend, and I consider my procrastination a breach of the trust between us. That guilt, though pulling me down deeper, has also taught me how much I really bother about the work, and how much importance I give to personal work satisfaction. I feel extremely guilty for showing up at work a few minutes late, even if no one actually reprimands me. Being scatterbrained somehow ensures I am late, even if I have woken up really early. So, I am fighting it hard, and have started to make it on time since the last 1 week! I am seeing an improvement now. I hope to come out of this, and be on top of my game. I completely understand how it feels Evalynn. This is a late reply, and I sincerely hope you are feeling better now. If not, I can guarantee you that it isn't a vicious cycle. Take care. Peace.
  2. Hello, Thanks for being there and giving me lots of advise. I wanted to let you know that your support means a lot. I haven't been able to reply for more than a month as things have been very very stressful. BetterOff & Wild Child. Thank you for understanding my situation. I really did feel better after reading your replies. I have completely avoided her since that day. I haven't spoken a word to her in person or over the phone. I haven't even communicated with her through email or phone at work. Our current positions at office requires us to interact almost everyday but I let my team mates handle any kind of communication with her. I haven't even looked at her (except for once, when I accidentally glanced at her face as I walked into the office) or made eye contact with her since that day. Its been over a month and I've gotten over her. A few weeks ago, I did break down and cry really hard a few times. I cried to my friend. I called up a helpline and cried. That was because things got a little too stressful and painful. Though I don't think about her anymore, I would like to explain what has been happening to me. My self confidence seems to have been rattled and I'm trying to build that up now. Its hard but I'm trying my best to bring myself back to the 'now' moment. I've been telling my mom everything since I opened up to her a month ago. She is being supportive and she understands that this one huge episode has unsettled me mentally. My mind keeps travelling and worrying about other things all the time but I'm fighting and I'm trying to pull myself together and 'live in the present'. I have been finding it extremely difficult to make decisions. I need to get unstuck and have to get moving. I had a few anxiety attacks and my mom was there with me during most of those that happened while I was at home. My OCD started acting up and it excaberated after that break up. A Pandora's box of worries and anxieties opened up. I am trying to save myself from its clutches but I find myself obsessing over things for hours or days together and that results in me losing a lot of potentially productive time. New worries take over when the previous ones have been 'resolved'. I am fighting it. Wild Child, as you rightly said, I need to fully concentrate on me. The good news is, I'm eating well and on time and I think I've put on weight again. I am grooming myself regularly. I am trying to make best use of the 'look good - feel good' factor. I am doing yoga everyday, and I go cycling on my off days. I am trying to be kind to myself even when I make a lot of mistakes so that I can take the learnings and move on to become stronger. I am trying my best to see the positives in everything. I just want to get better and be normal. I want things to start 'falling into place'. I need to bring my mind in sync with 'now'. Once that happens and once I am 'on a roll', I hope to pick it up from there and build up my mental strength to stay confident and level headed. Peace.
  3. I seem to get better every day. There is this slight up in confidence but the flashbacks are strong. I haven't really broken down and cried yet. I've wept and teared up a bit but I need to mourn this. It is beginning to get painful. The coldness of her reaction and the shock of the sudden break up are things I am trying to deal with. I know I can't just get over it in a day or two because she's been a close friend for over two years. Wild Child, another one of my good friends consoled me by saying what you said. She said a true friend would realise and come back and would never just take a hasty decision like that and stop talking for life. It hurts. Though there is this part of my mind which is all the time trying to console me and wanting me to move on peacefully. I slept a couple of hours this evening and had a bad dream that she had unfriended me in Facebook. Understandably and kind of expectedly, she had done exactly that when I checked my profile after I woke up. I continue to do Yoga. I am also dealing with a big change in shift timings at work. I used to do afternoon shifts (ending just around midnight) and now it has been changed to more 'normal' shifts i.e., starting at 9 or 10 in the morning. This means I need to train myself to wake up at 7-8 instead of the 11-12 or 1pm I had gotten myself used to for more than 5 years. I intend to keep my schedule this way. I am finally eating four times a day. I am on medication for the sleep as I need to readjust my biological clock. I will consult a psychiatrist if things turn unmanageable and if they remain that way for a considerable amount of time. I am not doing anything about this right now. I am just letting it be. I haven't tried to talk to her or text her or email her or even look at her at work. I haven't even made eye contact with her. This is difficult and confusing. I am trying to just get over it, put things behind and move on. I want to really take care of my physical and mental health and move on with my life. I just want to be okay. There are flashbacks. It is painful.
  4. Thanks DF, Tim52, BetterOff, Wild Child. I was beginng to feel much better today. I saw her at work and stated to feel a little weak and down. I decided I will not delay this anymore and I will tell her today. I realised I should not hold this in me any longer because it was really beginning to affect me in bad ways. I was beginning to lose it. I could not speak to her in person so I called her up at night and confessed to her. She got very upset. She said she had always thought of me as her brother. She said she will never speak to me as a friend again and that we can never be friends anymore. I tried to tell her I do not want to break or damage our friendship and I promised to not feel about her that way but she said that will not happen and that I had lost her friendship already. I was shocked but at that moment I did not feel ANYTHING. I was just tired, hungry, exhaused and I was calling another friend and was talking about what had happened. I just kept talking and I was tearing up but could not cry. I could not feel anything. My two other female friends consoled me over phone and said that I had done the right thing by telling her how I felt, that I should not beat myself up over it, that I should not regret, that I should actually feel relieved that it all finally came out. That made me feel better. These are friends who've been friends with her too. They sympathised and were there for me. I thank them a lot for being there with my at a very difficult moment in my life. I admit I feel relieved. I think I can say it has not really 'hit me' yet. When it hits, I will cry. I need to mourn this. I have to feel that. I will always care for her and will miss her friendship and care. I will always be ready to accept her if she decides to come back as my dear friend. She is the closest friend I have had in my life. I do not want her to get hurt. I want her to be happy and be treated with lots of love and care because I know she needs it. She had been with me through some of my low phases. She had been with me when I was really happy. I will never forget her for life. As of now, I am trying to re-incorporate some of my real self that I had missed for some days as I think I was beginning to change after I fell in love with my friend. I will try my best to stay happy and atleast act normal. I need to up my confidence and keep it there. Since yesterday, I've started on a low dose of an anxiolytic + melatonin combo pill which had been prescribed much earlier, to help me sleep and to nullify or the anxiety till it drops to a point where I can build my confidence without allowing it to fall repeatedly due to the mood swings. I do not intend to get dependent on them. I want to take them till I am sure I am out of feeling down consistently and I will keep a close watch to ensure I don't start upping the dose often or too much. I will see a psychiatrist if I feel the need to. I think I will know it if I need to consult. I only feel I will not need it because I feel I have a lot of mental strength myself and help from my friends and my mother to handle this situation and get over it soon. I will continue to try and do Yoga and cycling. I will continue sharing here, I think it is helping me with feeling the grief of the situation and I have to go through this phase. I may move on, but I might need time. I will promise to try my very best to continue to take care of my health and maintain as much normalcy as possible. I have to be strong. Please pray for me. I will give her all the space she needs and will never even try to talk to her if she really is totally against it. I will respect her wishes. I will always continue to hope that she will come back. I do not want to lose her. I want her friendship. She's an important part of my life and I will miss her. It might hit me sooner or later. I need to feel it coming. I need to feel it hit me. I need to break down and cry hard. I need to mourn this loss. I wish she comes back someday. I miss her.
  5. As of this moment, I have this chill running through my body, this very very scary chill. I fell in love with a friend two months ago. We've known each other for more than 2 years but my feelings changed in November. There was this one chance where I could really tell her about my feelings towards her but it passed because I wasn't well that day. I let it go and I felt better from the next day. The way I felt during the last quarter of 2010, I never felt that good ever in my life. I was positive and balanced. I was recognising details and making connections with people and everything else. I miss myself now. Since I didn't tell her on time, it seems to have turned into an obsession, apparently unnecessarily because I do not have any health / family / financial problems and I am a very bright person (high IQ). I am losing sleep and getting vivid dreams that only disturb me. I've even considered forgetting her and avoiding her completely but I realised that would be abrupt and cruel because she's been a good friend. Only the last two times I spoke to her, she behaved as if I wasn't even there. It hurt me but there might be some other problem she's going through and I haven't ruled that out. Just a blow to my confidence. I know she cares about me and has some feelings but I am not very sure. I started getting suicidal thoughts but I wanted to let you know I am in touch with a local suicide hotline and I'm calling them when I feel the need to. I am dealing with this without abusing any substances or taking any medication. I am even avoiding coffee. I am doing yoga everyday. I feel like I am losing hope but I bounce back a bit every day. Today, things seem to have taken a turn for the worse. My supervisor from work finally got upset that I haven't turned up for work in the past three days and without having a talk with me, escalated the 'issue' to the manager. Something that I absolutely DID NOT need at this point. I am already trying to work out a solution as to how I should go forward and tell this girl how much I love her and I am not able to think that clearly. This incident has only added up to my already tired and fully worked up mind that the thoughts of self harm are flooding back in full flow. I probably just needed to tell them that I want a week off to sort things out, but I was confused and thought that I will strengthen myself and return to work the next day after taking just this one day off. That became three days now. I've been talking to friends who've advised me to NOT delay further and tell this girl how I feel. I am almost there but I get bogged down to a point where my mind simply drove itself to a spot where it seems to have tied itself into such an entangled knot. Five minutes ago, I was called and blasted on the phone by my supervisor. They now need a medical certificate and a fitness certificate stating I am fit to work. I had nothing to say to him, what all he said was 100% right from his point of view. He is very upset and feels I have taken advantage of him over the past one year. That wasn't my intention. I didn't inform him that I needed leave for 4 days or more in a row. I tried to explain stating I thought I will come to work on the next day but couldn't. Same happened today. I woke up at 11.30 but was in bed till 3.30 in the afternoon trying to go back to sleep because it was very painful to wake up. The dreams are disturbing and waking up from those is painful. I then decided I could not go. Big mistake. I'm in such a fix now that my job seems to be at stake, all because I fell in love and got very confused and disturbed about it. I did not want this to happen. I foresaw that I am dragging myself down due to this one big worry, and it seems to be happening just like I feared. I am not even sure I can tell her now. Things are adding up. I am thinking more about harming myself but I do not want to. It would be waste of such a good life and an emotional blow to the people who love me. I know it can have devastating effects and I am not ready for all that. I do not want to hurt myself but I am very very scared. I might call the helpline but at this point I am not very sure. I just wanted to be heard but I don't think letting this out is making me feel any better. The pain is intense, no, I am confused, am I even feeling it. I seem to have just frozen. Do I only need time off of work? Maybe, but I am not sure if it will make my situation better or really make it worse. I cry sometimes. I look at old photos, childhood photos with friends and my family, and I cry. I am able to cry a bit but I am not sure how long I am gonna be able to do that. I pray, I scream within and I pray and I visit places of worship but it is all in desperation. I ask my friends to pray for me. I've been telling myself while at work "this is not necessary, you are okay, don't let go and lose it, please please don't lose it now" "please help me, please help me, please help me, I just want to be okay, I just want to feel alright, I am scared, please help me" and I cry sometimes at work too but it is very, very painful and it hits me every day. I just want out of this. I just want to feel okay and normal. I can't even begin to explain how painful it is, I wish I could put it in words. I seem to be at a point where I could just simply 'snap out of it' but I only seem to be going in a downward spiral, which I feel is UNNECESSARY AND UNWARRANTED but I can't seem to be able to stop this. This took me by surprise and this is a huge blow. I let the feelings be and I wanted to feel them as they came so that I could be in touch with them. I did not expect it but I was always scared that I will let this take over me. It is happening. I am very scared. I am very scared.
  6. Trace

    I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  7. Trace

    I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  8. Trace

    I hope you have a fantastic day :)

  9. ((((Trace)))) I had another panic attack, at work last evening. I thought I was going to have a heart failure or pass out. I couldn't tell it out loud obviously (it would've been very embarrasing, more so because I'm a 24 yr old guy) so I was fidgeting in my seat and was leaning back and forth, trying to take deep breaths. My friend (team mate and colleague) asked me what's up and I kept murmuring 'something's not right'. I just closed my eyes and sat at my workstation for some 15 minutes, and then it passed slowly. I was a bit worried for the rest of the evening so I couldn't really work much after that. I'm going to have complete lab tests (blood work, ECG, X-ray and the like) done tomorrow to check if something is wrong physically. I do feel I might have to see the psychiatrist. I've taken 0.5mg Alprazolam a couple of hours ago, so I am feeling okay as of now. Don't really want to 'take over' the 'introduce yourselves' thread. I will post more in a separate thread. Have been through a lot of tough times with OCD and depression, but full blown panic attacks are new to me! Peace.
  10. Had a couple of panic attacks over the past week. On the verge of having one right now, even though I've taken 0.5mg Alprazolam (+ 3mg Melatonin in the same pill) about an hour ago. Looking back now, on 18 September 2007 I thought I was going to die because of low sugar resulting from not having eaten much all day. I did feel like I was going into shock though. My fingers and fists clenched and I could barely speak. I somehow managed to babble "Coke! Coke!", asking for a Coca Cola for the low sugar. Thankfully I was in a car with others who rushed to a nearby shop and got one immediately. That brought me back to life. I now understand that it might've been an actual hypoglycaemic attack brought on by or accelerated by or coupled with an anxiety or panic attack. After that one, I had two smaller attacks over the next three days and I kept thinking I might die. I am not feeling relaxed now. I will post about my experiences in detail a little later, over here or elsewhere on the forums. Peace.
  11. Feeling relieved that my second year BA degree exams (through distance education, as I dropped out of college in 2004 because of depression) are over. Also very tired as I've been preparing for and writing the exams since the beginning of this month, the exams dates were on Saturdays and Sundays, 13-28 Jun. I had taken sixteen days leave from work, and that ended yesterday. Cried my eyes out for more than an hour till about 5 this morning. Its 06:34 (IST) here now and I am exhausted from all the crying and have not really eaten anything except for a bun after my 12:30 lunch in the afternoon yesterday. Just rehydrating myself with some buttermilk. Currently home alone, till today afternoon. I do not think I will be able to make it to work today for my 1 PM shift. Even if I do, I still will probably be late, very late. I will take the Xanax and will try to get some sleep now. I feel like I need a really long sleep, that has been disturbed for quite some time now, I just need to rest in peace. I don't feel like eating anything, will try to have something before I go to bed. 06:45 now. Peace.
  12. I remember, I grew up watching and listening to Michael Jackson on TV. It was first local air TV (Doordarshan in India, I think so?) and later on cable (MTV and the like). I have never been to his concert, never in my life. I just wish I had. He came to India in 1996, I was 11 years then, people were going completely crazy, I'm sure I know you all can understand what I am saying and what I'm being through. I never went to that concert but I know the effect it had and I have known all my life how much he has touched others in this world. Early morning July 25 2009, I had just came back home from out of town and I switched on the TV, and it was a news channel and it said 'Jackson dead', I just read through the scrolling text and it said "the King of Pop is dead". I just couldn't believe it. It didn't hit me. It just didn't hit me. I was preparing for my exams which I had been writing every weekend (Sat-Sun) since June 13. I had two more exams left, 27 and 28 July 2009. I just went on with my preparation like normal, every now and then saying to myself "I can't believe Michael Jackson is dead", my mother kept mentioning it, my friend called me last evening and we spoke about Michael for a while, we had grown up watching him, we just couldn't get over it but anyway just held it all back and spoke coolly just like guys normally do, that is not cry over the phone to each other. My exams got over last evening . I was listening to his songs all night but it didn't really hit me hard. It all came down half past three in the morning. It is 5 in the morning now and I have been crying the life out of me till now. I am weak, hungry, I have not had my dinner yet, just one and a half bakery bun, that's all. I will be re hydrating myself now. I have been watching his music videos and crying the life out of me, screaming and crying like I've probably never ever done before in my life because I am home alone and I have all the privacy. I've been depressed for a few years now, some of you already know me from here on DF and through Members Needing Extra Support Now, I've been stressed out and my anxiolytic benzodiapine intake has been increasing over the past few weeks though not steadily, the OCD and anxiety has been acting up and I am very very tired. I finally broke down today. I seriously do not think I have ever cried like this in the 24 years of my whole life, I was screaming and crying my eyes out and I'm a guy and I know its only normal and human to cry but I can't tell this out to my guy friends. I let my dearest female friend know through text messages about how I am doing. I will continue to cry as long as I need to and I have been on leave for sixteen days and I do not think I might be able to return to work today, as my shift begins at 1.00 PM. It is 05:19 in the morning now and I am exhausted from all the crying. I want to say this over and over again, I just cried so hard that I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life. It might be something silly for some people, "oh, some pop star died, huh, he just ODd" please don't laugh, I know Michael has touched many of you during your lifetime. I never was a 'crazy' fan or devoted follower of Michael Jackson all my life, I tell you this honestly, it hit me hard only after his death. I might cry more as long as I am alone today and I might cry as long as I need to. Yes, this has affected me, he may not be family or a close friend, but this untimely and totally shocking loss has affected me deeply just as I believe it has affected many others in this world. Please join me in mourning his death. RIP Michael Joseph Jackson. August 29, 1958
  13. Please come back and let me know you are ok sweetheart!!!! XOXOXO

  14. ((( HollyS ))) I once ate at this restaurant, took the bill the waiter had left on my table and put it in my pocket, washed my hands, walked out, and was about to turn the key in the ignition and start my scooter when I realised I hadn't paid!!! I promptly stopped what I was doing, walked back in and paid and everything was over as if nothing had happened! They had not even noticed me exiting without paying!! I still felt ashamed and a little bit shaken, but was obviously relieved it didn't get ugly. I can understand how embarrassing and upsetting it can become if you get chased around or hollered at in such a situation!!! Hope you're feeling better today. Take care.
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