Jump to content

Laiadita

Just Registered
  • Posts

    4
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Laiadita's Achievements

Newbie

Newbie (2/9)

3

Reputation

  1. Hey SomethingWhatever, you are not alone. As many of us here I also think that most people around me get things so easily, especially when they do not deserve them. I always try to play by the rules, work hard, step by step to get what i want, try not to depend on anyone to do it. And that strategy unfortunately has not paid, but that's who I am. Those people, those beautiful, giggly, popular, friendly people always take shortcuts, are the first to know about important events and opportunities and are always the ones who get the jobs. There are good days, in which I don't let my bitterness interfere with my plans or my mood but there are many more bad days when I can't help feel cheated, not invited to the party even when I paid for a very expensive dress to wear; and I hate everyone but at the same time I feel that I perhaps should learn how to transform, to become one of them, to fake happiness, maybe this is the magnet for real happiness. But that is not us... At least here I found a place where I can express myself and not being judged, I hope you find it too.
  2. Hey, I understand how you feel. I also feel like my life is not balanced at all, with no friends, no social life despite trying really hard to open up and create opportunities to meet people. But alcohol won't help really. What i am planning to do to survive this is at least finding support in the cyber community. I know it is not the same but at least there are real people out there willing to hear you out. What about traveling, can you do that? even short trips on weekends might help.
  3. "What is keeping you in akron?" My husband's job. I have applied to over 60 job openings in 2 years and only got two interviews, both for temporary, non-research jobs. That is the kind of job I have right now, temporary and not doing what I really love. I know we are still in recession but when you see other less experienced people being hired for jobs you applied for, well, that just sinks me down. Perhaps that means I should really quit science for good, but then I'm lost.
  4. If I saw myself like playing a part in a movie, I would tell myself: well girl, it surely seems like you have everything one needs to be happy, or at least most everything. So why do I always feel sad, like I can cry at any moment, I actually do, often. But I will start from the beginning. I am a scientist, with a PhD and seven years now of postdoctoral experience in my field. I am married to a wonderful man, intelligent, handsome and sweet. I have a baby boy, 5 months old, who laughs every time he sees me and clings to me like we are about to jump off a cliff. My chronic sadness started, or at least I started noticing, 5 years ago, when I moved to Akron, the greyest town I've ever known. At first I thought it was because of the big life change, moving from another continent, leaving all my friends behind. Although I was also excited to start a new life and job; the excitement did not last long when I started realizing that I was being treated by admin people, bankers and job colleagues like an invader, a foreign person who is (should be) here only to visit and enjoy the sweet land of freedom and opportunity, or in bad days, to steal opportunities from citizens. It did not help that no matter what I did, joining photography clubs, various classes for adults, inviting people to have coffee, exercise with me, I could not make a single friend. I still don't have any friends in this town. In addition, through these years my job has left me with a very sour attitude towards science and research. If someone asked me why there are so few women in academia I would have a list over a 100 points. Little by little I have seen how all the great ideas I once had and all the passion I felt for planning experiments, working in the field and collecting data, publishing papers, all have gone through the toilet. Or rather, have been stepped on by a white male with less experience, fewer papers and no grants but graduated from an Ivy league university. I can't help but feeling that I am selfish, that I have no right to want more than what I already have. But this inner conflict has been going for too long and I don't like the person I have become; bitter, one that sees only the bad side in everyone, who hates students who remind me how happy and hopeful I once felt about being a scientist, wanting to contribute to knowing a little more about the world that surrounds us, and then all I have to do is looking through the window, and there it is, grey Akron, everyday and then more tears.
×
×
  • Create New...