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  1. HI all, I started to see a psychologist 3 weeks ago. Every week, I look forward to my session. I'm actually excited! The only downside is 1 hour is really short. I'd love to have more frequent session if it is not that expensive... Who feels the same?
  2. Hi all, I just want to share something about seeking external validations. I run my own business. Christmas is here so I threw a Christmas party yesterday. I gave out bonus and gifts to my employees. They were grateful, happy, and enjoyed the time. I imagine they were pretty excited too and probably told their friends or family about the bonus and gifts they received after work. I'm happy for them. Unfortunately, for me, I feel extremely lonely at the top. Even though I made a lot of money, I don't feel the recognition. I don't have someone to praise me when I did a good job. I don't have someone to give me gifts or bonuses. I can't truly hangout with others because there is always a distant between the boss and the employees. In a sense, I don't have any co-workers. I understand spiritually, we don't need external validations to feel happy. We should be happy within ourselves. However, I still don't quite understand. For example, I sang in a my music recital last Sunday. Some audiences gave me praises which made me feel really good. Why did I feel that?
  3. Hi 2NE1, I can understand your feeling because isolation does suck. Like you said, we are social creatures so no matter how much we "dislike" people, we still feel good when we are surrounded by people from time to time. Have you tried to re-connect with your HS friends?
  4. Hi, I think you just need to "balance" it. Being assertive doesn't mean going out all the way and being aggressive at people because you will be taking it too far. Here is an example how I will approach a hypothetical situation: Backgrounds: 1. You have been on-time for the majority of the time and rarely late. 2. One-day, you are late. 3. You boss told you are late. 4. You become upset when your boss said you are late because you feel you have been on-time all the time except for today. You feel like you should get a "break" for occasional lateness. Facts: 1. You are late. Technically, you are in the wrong. Your boss has the right to say "you are late". 2. Since you are rarely late, a reasonable boss will not reprimand you for a single infraction. 3. Even if you are boss reprimand you for the single refraction, technically, he is in the "right". He is not reasonable but he is still in the "right". Incorrect response: A response like this is unnecessary, overboard, and emotional. It will trigger an immediate anger from the recipient of that message unless that person is well-grounded. Remember, technically, you are in the "wrong" here for being late. Correct response: A response like this conveys you accept the responsibility of being in the "wrong". You are fulfilling your end of the bargain by taking responsibility. However your boss's response will be out of your control. If he is reasonable, he will appreciate your response and let it slide. If he is unreasonable, he might reprimand you. Regardless of the outcome, you KNOW you did the RIGHT thing. If the boss is unreasonable, then you could toy with the idea to find someone who will value you. Being able to accept responsibility and apologize is a sign of strength instead of weakness. My philosophy of dealing with others is to fulfill my end of the bargain FIRST. When you always do the right thing, you are AT-PEACE with yourself.
  5. I disagree about getting a "mail-order bride". They probably care more about your money than you. OP's probably doesn't meet enough people. Since you are still in school, there are many chances to meet people. I'm out of school for two years so it is slightly harder. When I look at my life few years ago, it is amazing how many eligible women were there! In library, at bus stop, in-class, at parties, at event clubs. Even walking down the street to classes, literally everyone is in your dating age. When waiting for bus, sometimes girls will even start a conversation. How incredible is that? Heck, after I finished school, I have not had any interaction to female who are around my age besides my employees because I spent all my time on my business. To OP, cherish your school time because you are surrounded by gold:)
  6. I'm not jealous in anything in life besides in romantic relationship. I don't envy others' look, intelligence, or wealth or w/e because I'm relatively secure about myself. I feel like those things are not important. The only thing I get jealous about is affection. I'm extremely jealous when someone I care about give others more attention or affection than to me. See here, I'm not jealous/envious about the other person's attributes. Instead, I'm jealous about the affection or attention he is receiving from the person I care about.
  7. Hi onlinefitnesstrainer24, I can relate to you because I'm also similar you where I run my own business. While I have employees, I don't feel comfortable connecting with them. I want to be really successful and make hundred of millions of dollars. On the other hand, I have this huge fear of ending up alone without a family with all my wealth at advanced age. I can't really help you because I'm in the exact same position. Do you have a therapist now? It might be a good idea to speak to someone. I'm going to find a therapist who knows past-life regression.
  8. Hi Phantastic Mirage, I briefly read your blog. I highly recommend you to re-gain your composer, take a step-back, and don't say stupid thing to your boss. I'm an employer and had someone who behaved exactly like how you wanted to behave, and it was not pretty. The person was wronged in her previous workplaces, and she simply unleashed her accumulated anger at me when I told her she was late one day. I'm one of the most reasonable boss you would find. I found her anger toward me was completely misdirected and out of proportion. The old me will simply explode and fire her on-spot. However, since I was exposed to spirituality aspect of life, I was able to stay calm and have a frank talk with this employee. Luckily, this employee was able to see her fault and apologized. You should not get angry at people as a way to exert your confidence. Real confidence comes from within and from peace, not from bullying and attacking. I fear you might misdirect your energy and turn a small issue into a much bigger one. Please don't do it. If you keep up this attitude, you will turn away people who actually have a good heart and do care about your well-being. At the end, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy that "the world is against me." Please be honest with yourself. I'm passionate about this issue because the employee is giving me a lot of issue. She works hard. Deep down, I know she is also a good person but her trouble-past seem to be dragging her down. Today, I had to give her another verbal warning for having another unwarranted outburst. Again, she was able to reflect on herself and apologized. She told me her past employers treated her poorly and people took advantage of her goodness so she became defensive about everything. I told her that I completely understand but you need to be open when you finally meet someone genuinely care about your well-being. If you continue to give me this BS for no reason, no matter how good I am, you will push me away and force me to terminate you. It will become a self-fulfilling prophecy again. I'm keeping this person because I think she came into my life to teach me some lessons about acceptance and patience. Again, confidence comes from within. What you have suggested is a destructive mindset and bring you unnecessary pain and agony in the long run. I know a lot of movies or TV shows demonstrate this kind of behaviour as a way to "Stand up for yourself" but people who wrote these scripts are unenlightened people.
  9. Hi svendorrian, Excellent post. I agree that women are relatively more open than men. To Americans on this board, please don't be offended because we have no intention of bashing the country or culture. We are simply stating our experiences; our experiences might be true in-general or they might isolated incidences. It is interesting that you brought up the point of being proud of your heritage. When I was much younger, I tried really hard to fit-in. As I get older, I slowly realize that the mainstream only seems to be tolerating minority instead of accepting them. I don't blame them because it is simply human-nature to stick with what's familiar. What bothers me sometimes is that mainstream will complain about non-integration of minority. Believe me, minority tried to integrate but was push aside by mainstream. I'm not sure if I was lucky but when I studied in a Scandinavian country for few months, I never felt more accepted before in my life besides in my country home. Instead of mocking you or making fun of you, people I met were ACTUALLY interested or curious about my culture and my language! We had potlucks, birthday parties, thanksgiving dinner, christmas dinner, and etc. During our Christmas dinner, we literally had people from all continents of the world and every single race! Most of them go to clubs which I didn't go much. However, when we were just chilling in our dorm, we had many ridiculous debate about things like "is shrimp a shell fish?" or "Who will win in a Tiger vs Lion fight." The two Americans I met there were also very open and nice as well. The male is African-American, and the female is white American. For me, I'm actually interested in other cultures beside my own. I love it when people are different and exotic. Variety makes our life much more interesting than just sticking to what is similar to you.
  10. Hi ejeong24, I can relate to you because I'm also an immigrant minority who has similar family background. From my experience, the most accepting people in America seem to be immigrant themselves regardless of race, and in particular, first-generation immigrants. They are people who came to America with their parents while they were young (grade school+) . They could be from any country. I know friends from Israel, India, Pakistan, Russia, China, Korea, and etc. Since they came to the country young, they have immersed with the American culture. Yet, something seems to be unique about them. I'm not sure if I'm biased but I feel more comfortable around them. I can safely say most good people I met in university are not natively born. Again, I'm not shooting down natively born people. Perhaps the difference is simply different upbringing. On my plane trip to Europe, I met a nice girl who I thought was natively born American until she told me she immigrated in grade 5 from Russia. One of the things we talked about is the experience being a foreign kid in a new country. She told me that she find North American seems to be "fake". Please don't take it as an insult because it is not. What she meant is that people are really nice and warm on surface but deep-down there isn't really a bond behind it. I met another French guy who studied in America and said pretty much the same thing. I have another story about the a friend of one of my best friends. Let's call her A. I know A where we say "hi" to each others but not much of a friend. A was the typical popular girls in university, you know the party-girl type. She is really good friend with my friend Z which is an international student from South Asia. I'm not sure exactly what happened but A suffered some emotional issues and also failed many courses in her senior year. Apparently, most of the people who partied with her left her as well. Near A's birthday, my friend Z texted me saying that A is really sad now because she has no friend to celebrate her birthday and told me to come to her birthday dinner. I happily obliged. Guess who are the people showed up at A's birthday dinner? They are either international students or immigrants or the "non-popular" crowd. We truly accepted A for who she is and willing to support her even though we were not that close. I don't know why but I guess immigrant or non-popular kids know how it feels to be rejected which in turn makes them more accepting of others. I also tried to "fit-in" in university's typical frat-house in my senior year. I simply penetrated into a new social circle. I was liked but I never truly felt I belonged or truly accepted. I was invited to a spring break trip to Dominican Republic. I went but I did not have any fun. Same thing with all the parties I was invited to. I'd go there , pretend I was having fun and leave early. I simply felt out of place. I think, secretly, I wanted to have fun in those parties but I didn't feel comfortable with the people. I can't blame them because I was simply a new kid. One of the girl of that group was really into me but I retreated because I wasn't sure if we will work out because we were simply SO DIFFERENT. She went to private school. While my family is wealthy, I went to public school. She likes to party where I'm the quite type. I'm a first-gen immigrant where she's the typical established wealthy white american. I was afraid that she was into my fake social persona instead of the real me. Maybe I judged people too much. Maybe she has depth if I really get to know her. Maybe it was a mistake. The cultural difference is still a knock I struggle to untie. I do believe a lot of people are open and accepting but past experience makes me question "Will this person accept me because I'm a different race?" whenever I meet someone new.
  11. Hi chucapabra, First, you are probably prettier than you think you are. 1) Yes, it sucks if people actually stare you or brush you off. University is simply an extension of HS. People judge based on your look, your race, your perceived wealth, your "coolness", and etc. Having said that, there are actually nice people around in university. You probably haven't met them yet. 2) Yes, your past experiences might be increased your shyness - we tend to avoid things that will hurt us. We need to accept that we might face more rejections. We cannot change how people behave to us, we can only change how we react and perceive their behaviour. Being social is not a way to avoid rejection or pain. Instead, we do it so we could meet more people and potential meet those who are genuinely open and will accept us. 3) Yes, it is "unfair" why you have to go through many barriers and obstacles when others have people thrown at them and want to be with them. Life is not fair. If you only believe you live once, then you will store a lot of hatred or negativity of why is this world so unfair. On the other hand, if you believe in reincarnation, you will understand that you live this life for a specific purpose: to learn some lessons and to progress spiritually. You chose the challenges and difficulties you will see in this life before you are born. I recommend Brian Weiss's work if you are interested in this subject: http://www.brianweiss.com/people-often-ask/ . I found a lot of inner peace once I accepted this worldview. 4) What I typed here is easier said than done, and I know this. I recommend this video to open yourself to a higher level of consciousness: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NClC-qZLfI
  12. Hi chucapabra, I can relate to your feeling. I highly suspect the main cause of your current situation is due to your shyness rather than your objective beauty. I have seen countless conventionally less-than-attractive people in relationship or have kids and family. Honey Boo Boo's mom is not very attractive yet she has a husband and family: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhHh47a04-s Here are my thoughts: 1. Accept the reality that people do judge based on physical looks. It is "wrong" but we are human, not robots. Instead of to blame or to rally against how the society has treated me based on my looks, accept it. There is no point of trying to fight against the biological response of human. You might think "It is so unfair or mean that no guy will want to date me because they think I'm ugly". However, if a person who you find unattractive asks you out, would you date that person? You might be nice to him but chances are, you will reject him. This is a two-way street. 2. Accept what we are born with and take actions to make changes that changeable. Things like height, size of your nose, etc are fixed you have to accept the way they are and cherish them. Focus on things that could be improved such as Clothing, weight, personal hygiene. Your post indicates that you are doing all of these which is good. Only make changes if they actually make you feel better. 3. Understand and accept that you are probably more attractive that your self-perceived image. 4. Understand and accept that your current situation is most likely to due your SHYNESS rather than physical beauty. I cannot say how much physical beauty is a factor without seeing you but chances are, you are where you are today because you are shy. 5. Understand and accept that people can OVERLOOK physical attribute when they finally get to know you and your personality. 6. Focus on your personality. For example, a recruiter might judge you at the very beginning of the meeting. However, when you opened your mouth, he/she realizes how awesome you are! 7. Shyness is the biggest killer! I'm also alone and have been rejected many times. On the other hand, when at times where I FORCED myself to be SOCIAL and MET more people, I had people who liked me. The biggest shift you need to make is to understand that you are probably prettier than you think and need to be more social. I have seen so many girls say that they are "ugly" when in fact, they are quite attractive.
  13. Hi Diane, The best will be to talk to your therapist about this. He/she will able to help you to relieve your guilt at your own pace.
  14. Thanks apple_boom, springer2, and Tungsten Aromatics. I will check out Psychology Today's listing. @Tungsten Aromatics, By good therapist, I mean someone who is good at what he/she is doing. There are always good and bad in any profession, right? What I really need now is someone who I could talk to and seek advice from. In my life now, I don't have any "authority figure" or mentor who I could rely on. I don't talk about very personal issues with my friends or family because it is "embarrassing". I know the things I need to do make myself better but I just want to hear from someone who I trust to tell me to do those things and re-affirm. To me, it feels comforting when an authority figure tells me "it is going to be ok." . One question, is it better to find a male or female therapist? I'm male. I wonder which one works better?
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