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Miss_Morose

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About Miss_Morose

  • Birthday 08/14/1981

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  1. That's great that you are employed and putting in the effort!! Keep it up as long as you can without it taking over your life emotionally. I totally sympathize as I have 'been there done that'. I have also burned many bridges in my profession (it's not a big industry and most people know people in all other companies within the industry) and therefore have been scared to try at it again, don't want to screw up another bridge. I have also gotten myself into BIG trouble with creditors. Right now I changed my address and phone # because they were calling me off the hook. I've been putting off applying for bankruptcy as I seemed to have false hope that somehow I will pay off these tens of thousands of dollars I owe. And no, my family cannot know about this. They are in no position to help and it would give them a heart attack to know this. And although stripping is rumoured for "great money", it's actually not that great. Some nights I walk out with a few hundred where as others I have walked out with as little as $20 and even $0! Plus, you (the dancer) have to pay the club a fee when you show up on that night, so you can actually leave in deficit. You never know. But in the end, per hour, it's no where near as little as a 'regular' job would pay. Every night going into work is a gamble. And you have to put on a happy face because it 80% how you talk to the customer...just like any sales job. Hi Miss_Morose, I understand you said your family can't know and in no position to help you financially. Have you considered if they knew what you are going through, they will wish you've told them? Family is family. Most parents will do whatever they could to protect their children especially daughters. You might think you are protecting your family from pain by going at it alone but your family might end up with more pain when they found out later on that you have been suffering for this long. Do you have any siblings ? No, I'm an only child. Also, being a child of immigrant parents I find adds the pressure of success as they did not have the "luxuries" (as in even having a choice of a career or type of job) as I do. Their viewpoint is that now days people just create problems because they have too many choices and don't have to deal with just day to day survival. I seriously believe that not only would it horrendously upset and stress them out to find out my ridiculous debts but they would be EVEN MORE upset and angry that I let it go for so long. As I said, they are in NO position to help me financially so telling them only has seriously negative implications.
  2. So it happened...he came over today and told me how even though we had gotten back together in the last couple months, my "explosive" comments and insults just ruined everything. I am so deep in this right now that I feel like every bad things he has done for me is out of resentment for the way I have treated him with my words and criticism. What's even worse is that I heard the same comments coming out of the mouths of my last 2 long relationships also. That's 3 guys that I have pushed away because of the same reasons. I'm so upset and hysterical right now that I really 'can't see the forest for the trees'. I feel like its all my fault. Even the bad things he did to me during our relationship I think are because of how I treated him. He said that I would always pick out the most negative things about him and just keep drilling him until he resented me so much that he is basically broken and dead inside towards me. He did say that it's both of our faults that things turned out as they did but I know that I'm the one who turned him to hate/resent me. In the last 14+ years, how have I not learned to change my behaviour??? I even was total aware of it at the start of our relationship over 4 years ago and I promised myself I would never act like that toward my partner again. Yet somehow without me even seeing it, the evil just started pouring out of me... I have pushed away the person who was my dearest, who loved me more than anything and wanted to spend his life with me... I don't deserve someone
  3. I'm glad that I have found this topic because I am gong through the exact same thing. And I've went through it before and it took me 2 years, until I found my current ex, to get over the other relationship. Now I'm scared as hell that it will take another couple years of this horrible longing for my ex to even date anyone new. And even then, I don't think that anyone will love me like he used to. I'm having, what is most likely going to be the last "talk" with him today. And I'm already thinking about all the pain I will endure for the next couple years. I don't believe in that whole "there's plenty of fish in the sea' idea. Some people end up alone. While some never get to experience that true love. So I cant think to the future and hope to find someone new. I just want him to love me like he did for years (we were together over 4 years). I know this is not a positive reply, I just wanted to say that I totally empathize with you...
  4. Thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot.. You are right that there are 2 people and both people's behaviour contributes to everything. I should have mentioned, although my post was so long, that for the past year or year and a half my friends have been really concerned about how he treats me. They believed that he was being self absorbed and not there for me as a partner should be for each other. But they don't know our private lives of course. The thing that really scares me is that in my previous relationship (of 3 years), I was such a wreck after he left me that I quit my job the next day even though I had no savings. I was hysterical and severally depressed for months and months! Luckily I was hired at my friend's company where I could cry while doing my job. Ya, that's right. Where else could you work crying for hours. And this was about 2 or 3 months after the break up still. The difference is that I had a couple VERY close friends that were there for me any time or day or night when I panicked or needed t talk. And now I don't have those friends (they moved away and other circumstances). I never really recovered from the hardship of that break up for 2 years!!! (Until I met my present guy). My friends who also had broken up with long term partners seemed to be able to hold down jobs and even after a couple months later to had a positive outlook again. While for the next nearly 2 years, I was extremely anxious and depressed. Only when I met my current guy did it pull me out of it. And that's what horribly scares me...that not only will it take me YEARS to recover from this heart-break but also that I don't have those friends that really pulled me through that tough road. I know I depend on my partners too much and I can't just be happy alone. And I wasn't like that when I was younger. I was single and alone for years and I was ok, went though days like a 'normal' person. But I'm so scared to be so depressed for years again. And after being so emotionally scarred from these last 2 relationships, I don't know how I'd ever find someone else. I'm also extremely picky in terms of choosing partners and that adds years to me being single. Guys like me for my looks but they don't even know me, that's a red flag I often encounter. My last 2 partners were also many years younger than me because since I was so 'picky' about dating guys, that I gave them a chance although they were much younger (and inexperienced with adult relationships) because I felt I had that 'love connection' with them. Anyway, he is coming over soon to talk. I'm sure I'll need some objective support later on.
  5. My boyfriend of almost 4 1/2 years have broken up, spent a month apart, got back together within the last 4 months. Things were going AMAZINGLY well. I really thought we were working our way up. We moved apart, were spending more 'quality' time together rather than just living together. And now it's hit a instantaneous downward spiral and in my heart feels it feels like it's terminal... Tomorrow (saturday) we are having "the talk". I've been waiting for over a week now for this talk as he had went away for the week to think things over. He got back a day ago and he's different like he has never been. Struggles to look me in the eye and when he said 'I love you' just didn't sound the same. So I've been sitting here, giving him his time, feeling so alone and worried. I'm a new member on here and if you have read my couple other posts, you would know I'm an educated person, had a career which I haven't been able to do for a couple years now due to my depression and now I am stripping as a way to get by since stripping has no work schedule (go in when you want) and I can't handle getting out of bed in the morning let alone stick to a schedule. My boyfriend, who's been my life partner, has been so good to me in the past. I believe he is a really good and generous person. He has really gone out of his way for me on countless times and made me feel like the only and most special person in the word. This makes me so incredibly upset because I have ruined everything. My depression is such a burden on me so I can only imagine how hard it is on him. Now that he lives with a roommate who is his best friend I guess (even though this guy has used him on many occasions and lives with him without pay ANY rent), my bf now feels like he has the mental support to live without me. The major issue that blew things up recently between us is me finally saying to him that he values people who use him (referring to his friend) instead of people who go out the way for him, as not only I have but my parents have helped him out on so many occasions without asking for anything. As well as even my own friends have (employed him, etc). My mistake: I made a comment to him that he is like his father ("like father, like son'). He is extremely sensitive about his father as they have been estranged now for a couple years. Here is the back-story: HIs dad abandoned him in order to take care of his extremely abusive and gold-digger wife and her family in times of when my bf really needed him. I am very regretful that I said comment to him in a moment of my uncontrolled anger. At the same time, I didn't know how to get through to him that he respects people like his friend who sponges off of him, instead of people like me (my parents, my friends) who care about him and love him and will always stand by his side. So tomorrow he is coming over to talk to me about us. This has been gut wrenching for me. I speculate that I will be backed into a corner and given an ultimatum that I accept his new lifestyle (along with his bff who lives with him for free) or else... I am 8 years older than him. Although that is a big difference, for a very long time we have been making future plans and wanting to really settle down. As I am older than him, I feel I cannot regress back to a casual dating lifestyle with him. I don't know how to take a huge step back like that with whom I shared a day-to day life with. Even after we had broken up this summer and had over a month apart, when we got back together and things were going really well, he was staying over a few times a week and the plan was also that his so called roommate would be moving out within a month. Now that his roommate/bff is taking priority in his life and I'm being the "crazy" one, I don't see how things will work out.... I don't know what to expect but I also have self worth and I will not completely give in to those type of expectations (if that is what he wants). I am really upset and anxious about tomorrow..... I am out of words now. My relationship is my best anti-depressant and I'm getting cut off.
  6. I am a master if list making! I have been doing it for years. The problem is...I never follow them :verysad3:
  7. Everything you say is exactly what I hope to once day achieve! I'm just having a hard time waking up and doing it. I set these goals at night but as I wake up and get truck with anxiety, I freeze. You are SO LUCKY to be married and have an understanding wife and also have a reason to push yourself to do things with her. There's nothing more than that which I hope to get. It just tears my heart apart when I think that my boyfriend of 4 years left me because of my "crazy" (he doesn't call it that, I do).
  8. That's exactly what I wonder too....I do have the option of stripping. But for those who don't, I can't imagine how they get by! I would sponge off the government too but the only way to get by here in doing so is to live in a boarding house. I don't mean like with roommates but a house that's a step up from a shelter basically. You get your own room, sometimes furnished. But as bad s this sounds, I would really want to **** myself if that were my circumstances - I don't mean to offend anyone by saying that.
  9. That's great that you are employed and putting in the effort!! Keep it up as long as you can without it taking over your life emotionally. I totally sympathize as I have 'been there done that'. I have also burned many bridges in my profession (it's not a big industry and most people know people in all other companies within the industry) and therefore have been scared to try at it again, don't want to screw up another bridge. I have also gotten myself into BIG trouble with creditors. Right now I changed my address and phone # because they were calling me off the hook. I've been putting off applying for bankruptcy as I seemed to have false hope that somehow I will pay off these tens of thousands of dollars I owe. And no, my family cannot know about this. They are in no position to help and it would give them a heart attack to know this. And although stripping is rumoured for "great money", it's actually not that great. Some nights I walk out with a few hundred where as others I have walked out with as little as $20 and even $0! Plus, you (the dancer) have to pay the club a fee when you show up on that night, so you can actually leave in deficit. You never know. But in the end, per hour, it's no where near as little as a 'regular' job would pay. Every night going into work is a gamble. And you have to put on a happy face because it 80% how you talk to the customer...just like any sales job.
  10. I understand as some people have told me the same thing - about going to live with my parents. And as good of a relationship as I have with them, unfortunately they don't believe in 'depression' :( For YEARS they have been telling me to 'snap out of it' already because "it's not like I'm a sick person or something". When I was on anti-depressants they would constantly tell me how bad they are and that (again) I am not a 'sick person' and don't need to be on them. There have been times when my mom would burt in to my room and yell for me to get out of bed already. Her method of contribution is to "criticize someone until they change". Side note: this is probably the most negative habit that I have picked up from growing up with my parents and it's mostly what has led my partners to leave me, they say they can't stand to be criticized by me. And THAT'S what sets me off so much and I go into instant crying spells because I know how horrible it feels on the receiving end and yet I'm inflicting it on the person I love the most...it's really sickening. I apologize to my partner and have explained that it's a horrible habit I picked up from my parents but after saying certain words to the person you love, the damage has been done. Speaking of...tomorrow my bf or I should said ex, are having what appears to be our final "talk". He said the last time I blew up on him emotionally and said things (which I immediately regretted), it basically put the nail in the coffin and he can't even look me in the eye anymore.
  11. Well stripping definitely effects my self-esteem in a good way. But it's not a good reason to do it because I can't hold down a full-time job because of my depression. I don't know how you (or anyone) can live off disability, especially for so long. Where I live, disability is around $1200/month. I live in a TINY bachelor/studio apt and pay almost $900/month in rent. That's like living extremely under the poverty line. I very big set back for my depression has been not being able to join my friends in going out - and by that mean even leaving the house to go to a coffee shop. Before I started dancing there would be days where I had under $5/day for food or transportation, etc. And staying indoors, whether at my house of my friends' doesn't help me. I can't imagine living under the poverty line or even just about it and getting out of depression. I SINCERELY hope you are in a better financial situation than that. Thank you the feedback!
  12. Thank you for the link. Although I am not a great writer either unfortunately :(
  13. I went to university for 4 years, got my bachelor degree and worked in my profession for about 6 years. As my depression grew worse, I would wake up at 6:30am and cry and wish everyday that I could quit my job. My anxiety at work was so bad I wanted to walk out countless times. Thank god for private bathrooms because I would take frequent breaks and go to the bathroom to cry and pull myself together. I don't want to rant too much about this but how do people pay their bills and support themselves with depression? I've started stripping in the past few months (I don't do any extras!) because it's the only way I can make enough money in a few hours of work to pay the minimums to support myself. I don't feel bad about stripping, I'm very comfortable in my own skin. But this is just a temporary fix. I already have a 2 year gap in my professional resume and the longer that gap is, the worse it's going to be to get a job in the future. There's no way I could hold down a full-time job and I've also been "let go" from my last couple jobs because my mental problems affected my work and my absenteeism and promptness. But recently I've been having more and more nights where I skip work and I'm really short on money. On top of that, I ALWAYS lose interest in any job after a month or two. I can't be doing this forever but I read so many posts about people staying in bed all day, which I'm totally familiar with as stripping allows me to do that. I can't live with my parents as they live quite a distance away so that is not an option. But otherwise, how do they support themselves?
  14. When I talk to my friends about my depression, their first comment is to do the things I enjoy most or use my depression to push myself towards my goals. It's been a couple of years now and I truly don't have any goals or interests for that matter. When I tell that to my friends they tell me to engage in the things that I used to like to do and as I do them I will find the motivation. But since I lost my job in the middle of 2011, I have been doing nothing. I use TV as a drug because it's the only thing to pass time and I watch comedies mostly (a lot of them over and over) because its the only thing I can handle. Now that me and my boyfriend of 4 years just broke up, which has been heart wrenching, I had to move out on my own (by myself) and it's a very difficult transition. I know a big reason for the break up was that I sat around and did nothing but was 'depressed'. It tears me apart that someone who cherished me and loved me so much left me because of what I did, or I should say didn't do. Clearly it's difficult to be in a relationship and living with a partner who has no aspirations and feels sorry for themselves. I want to change so bad and be engaged in activities which make me happy so that he can be happy to be around me. Every night I go to bed and tell myself that I will MAKE myself get up at a reasonable hour and go to the gym, which is suppose to raise endorphines, and every day I stay in bed and do nothing. My self-pity has ruined the most important part of my life. I want to enjoy things again so that people will enjoy being around me.
  15. I'm new to the community and wanted to start a new topic about relationships and depression when I found your post. The only way to have someone 'like' you when you are a depressed person is to "fake it till you make it" as one person above said. But also it important to observe that once you do get involved, or especially fall in love, the new relationship will spring you up out of your depression like the best drug there could be. Of course after a while, for me it's about a year to year and a half, when my partner really gets to know me, they start to lose interest quickly. So GETTING a partner, although it is hard, its actually easier than maintaining the relationship after the love chemical subsides and your depression comes back full throttle. I have been in three 3-4 year relationships each and each one has a similar pattern. I ALWAYS tell them from the very beginning about my depression and what kind of behaviour to expect from me. But they choose to not take me seriously because things are 'new & fun' at that time. Once they realize that I really am depressed and a "downer" to be around they start to say things like "you were never like this before" even though I remind them that I was honest from the start. Which leads to the question which I originally wanted to write about, how do you keep your partner around after the "romance/love" phase ends? Because it always does. And when that "love" drug tapers out of your system the depression comes right back. I am going through, I guess you can call it a break up, right now after 4 years together. And I totally understand why he doesn't want to be with me. I am by no means a conceited person (I have many self-esteem issues) but the only reason he is debating it is because I am considered (from what I hear) a very good looking girl which he likes to covet and show off. But as they say, beauty is only skin deep. Sorry for my unorganized ranting, it's my first post.
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