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Everything posted by RichW

  1. I suppose I meant less being an expert, more Google doctor type thing. If we read up briefly on near enough any mental health condition, I dare say it's pretty likely that we'll have experienced at least some of the symptoms linked to it. For me at least, researching feels like a way of feeding the black dog rather than taming it. Hard yes, but impossible? And basically what you said here is the premise of a book called You are not your brain by Jeffrey Schwartz which is the same author as the more famous Brain lock (for OCD) but basically has the same principles. The whole idea is that your thoughts create pathways in the brain, because of the brains neuroplasticity, so recurring thoughts create bigger, easier to travel on pathways for your thoughts to go down. In people with depression OCD or whatever these negative thoughts are happening so much it becomes harder and harder to think new, alternative thoughts which certainly explains why it's so hard to just 'stop being depressed' or 'stop obsessing over compulsions' Yet we have to actively create new neural pathways for these alternate positive thoughts and continually use the, so those pathways become the main, superhighways our brains want to use instead. I've never read any of Schrwartz's stuff. Frustrating when you can feel exactly when you're getting on a certain pathway, and you know it's flawed yet you can't seem to get off it. Maybe curing depression can be more sub-conscious than conscious, more about not doing something rather than doing something. If any medication or other treatment is going to change the way I think, I find that really daunting. If it's going to change the way I think about depression, can it also change my interests and personality? No, that's absolutely fine :) The cats are a great example. Personally, more times than I care to remember I've taken minor setbacks like catastrophic blows and to a lesser extent, I am also capable of taking massive pleasure in the simplest and smallest of things. Not sure what's stopping me balancing the scales a bit more. Fatherhood is literally the last thing on my mind right now! I'm sure it's such a life-changing experience though, having to completely reassess your priorities in life and having a new motivation and sense of purpose. Maybe there's some kinda fight or flight thing that kicks in. Why do you presume that acting happy when you're not will lead to compulsive lying, and why does happiness need to be a challenge?
  2. I'm running out of ideas. I've had about a year's worth of different anti-depressants which I stopped around October. I know a lot of you on here will have persevered far longer than I have, I know some of you will have had positive effects and others negative. I tried, they didn't work and I don't have the confidence to carry on with the trial and error. You often hear cliches like "fake it till you make it", "ignorance is bliss", "you are what you eat" or whatever, but cliches wouldn't be cliches if there weren't some truth to them. Starting to wonder how valuable "fake it till you make it" can be. You know, "smile and the world will smile with you" and how people are attracted to what they perceive to be confidence. Sometimes I wonder with people, the way the media acts at times, if you tell someone the sky is green over and over and over they'll start to doubt themselves and believe it. Wonder if you can do the same by telling yourself how brilliant you are. At this stage, I don't care if it's fake. I've often found myself getting into the trap on good days of thinking "oh, I'm actually in quite a good mood today... why?" and finding myself spiraling before long. I don't care if I spend the rest of my life conning myself so long as I feel happy. Doesn't need to be anything profound. I don't know... I know I'm massively over-simplifying. I feel depressed but I don't feel I've got anything to be depressed about, but if I stew over and complicate I'll find something. Maybe it is wishful thinking, maybe I am being a bit naive about it. Well, in its nature, depression does play tricks on the brain. It does make situations appear worse than they are, it does skew your sense of self-worth and it does make you question other people's motives for wanting to be around you. I kind of want to do a double bluff on my brain if I can. Yeah, I'm great. I'm going to be happy. Whatever, I don't care. When I'm more depressed, I can still pick holes in my way of thinking. Doesn't matter how I'm feeling actually, I can always pick holes in my thought processes. If I put on an act and I'm fully aware that I'm trying to fake it it'll fizzle out. I don't doubt for a second that depression exists - I know it does, but I think in a way depression is faking it till it makes it with me. I don't expect it to go away, I don't have the faith in anti-depressants or patience for therapy if I even could afford it. Got a feeling that depression will always be a part of me, but it will lay dormant at times. I don't know, I wonder if becoming an expert on depression would make you more or less susceptible to becoming depressed. Then again, it doesn't seem to make a difference how aware I am of my sometimes flawed logic, it doesn't get any better for long. I know it probably sounds stupid and unrealistic but depression is stupid and unrealistic anyway. I want to completely ignore my depression, I don't want to validate it or even give it the time of day.
  3. This is hard, but definitely worth thinking about. A lot of us will give ourselves too much of a hard time over depression, and we won't show ourselves the kindness we'll show others. Maybe one of the mods could have this pinned? It is hard, I'm trying to think of something I'm proud of that positive rather than not-negative. I mean.. I'm not racist, I've never had a fight in my life, I've never voted Conservative, are they really things to be proud of? I try to be a good person, I want to help people. Right now that's the best I've got, but I think it'd benefit us all if we spent a bit more time thinking about this rather than our perceived negatives.
  4. First and foremost there's absolutely no reason to feel guilty for being depressed. It's not something any of us on here have chosen. Maybe some of us would be less severely depressed had we made different decisions, maybe some of us do act in ways that exacerbate our existing problems and maybe some of us have absolutely no idea why we're depressed, but it's there all the same. Wouldn't expect someone on crutches to feel guilty if I held a door open for them, why should anyone getting help with depression be any different? The most ridiculous thing is, I understand completely why it's wrong to feel guilty for being depressed but I do anyway because we're constantly told how things could be worse. Oh you know, you have it so much better than a lot of people, you should be happier. Yeah, a lot of people fail to see that depression doesn't work like that. I feel ungrateful, like I must somehow have ideas above my station and higher expectations than I deserve. Yet I really don't, I'm not a materialistic person, I don't care about the rat race, I just want to get by and be happy, and while others would be happy in my situation, not understanding why I'm not is another thing to feel guilty about. Frankly, depression guilt is balls.
  5. I have worked in retail and catering before and right now I do work in an environment that demands a kind of customer service despite not being about sales etc. I hated working in customer service when I was working in a restaurant. We were told to go back to the table three times to make sure that their meal was ok, ask if they want any more drinks etc. Management decided what customers wanted, and as a customer to be honest I don't want to be hassled. Come to think of it, it's probably quite bad for anyone with depression to be expected to put on a mask and an act all the time. I've always found a lot of customer service to be so false.
  6. Can't remember last time I woke up feeling refreshed, either. Sometimes getting to sleep isn't the problem that staying asleep is. I don't know, I think a drink or two does help me get over to sleep but that's probably not the greatest idea ever anyway. Yeah, no doubt a jog around the block will help tire you out but I don't know about you, but when I'm depressed the idea of any extra exercise is hell on earth. Some of my friends who struggle with sleep suggest sticking a dvd on - something you've seen loads of times that you know start to finish and hopefully won't get too engrossed in. Music sometimes helps. I went through a few years when I was on night shifts and I'd stick an album on in the background to try to drown out the traffic. Suppose everyone's got their own ways, but I find the old five knuckle shuffle does the trick.
  7. I'm sorry for what you've been through, that sounds unimaginably awful. It's entirely understandable that you could be paranoid, given what you've been through. As far as Ann goes, ok all I know about the situation is what you've mentioned here, but I'm convinced that she's the one with the problem. You were 11 years old, what the hell can an 11 year old possibly do to inspire such spite? Nothing - what sort of adult would be so spiteful towards a child? It's pathetic of her. I suppose that's another of the difficulties of depression and paranoia etc. We can be in full knowledge that we're being paranoid, that we're not seeing things clearly and realistically but it's so hard to shake. Take care of yourself.
  8. I know it's far easier said than done, but I think comparing ourselves to others is one of the biggest problems we have. For a start, we're comparing ourselves as we see ourselves to others how we see them. I'm depressed, I know I'm low in confidence and I know I have a tendency to make mountains out of molehills at times and I'll accept all manner of criticism and reject any compliments as people "just being nice" or whatever. Generally, my perception is skewed and I know for a fact that there are people I know who don't see themselves the way I see them, and there are people who see me in ways I don't see myself. Sorry, I've just confused myself a bit here, started going on about trying not to compare and did it anyway. Giving advice is so much easier than taking it sometimes. Being talentless isn't something I've worried about for a long time. When I was younger I fancied myself as a writer. I've written hundreds of poems that nobody's seen, I had a few articles published in local rags and I've kept several blogs over the years. I used to be a dreamer. I'm not saying you are, just saying I was. I think I've had about 20 jobs now ranging from bars and restaurants, warehouses, factories, greenhouses, supermarkets, offices etc. Particularly when I was younger I used to often find myself thinking there must be more to life than this, I used to be amazed that there were people seemingly content to be doing a job that I considered mundane, even soul destroying. Don't get me wrong, never for a second did I think I was too good for any of that, not at all. I've never really had an ambition as such so I don't think I've ever had ideas above my station. I suppose looking back I felt kind of lost, and sometimes I still do. No matter what I'm doing, I want to be doing something else. I think in a way we do put ourselves under too much undue pressure. I'm still learning myself, but there's nothing wrong with being talentless. I used to think that being unremarkable and average were such terrible things but they're not. Which itself opens another problem - if the guy working in a factory is happy with his lot, why can't I be happy? Which takes us back to square one and precisely why we should be avoiding comparisons to other people as hard as it is. Sorry I can't be more helpful, all I've done is confuse myself here!
  9. Sorry to hear that. It does sound very familiar though. Well, except the eggs thing, I haven't got any. Fortunately they've eased off a bit recently, but this reminds me of a conversation I was having with a friend the other day about his parents. They came over for his birthday and apparently his whole approach to life is wrong. His parents criticise everything down from his worth ethic (which can't be that big a problem seeing as he's got a job), down to his appearance and housekeeping. Well, I don't know about you but I think this kind of stuff suggests that life is one rigid list. There's so much pressure on us to decide what we want to do and do it - as if merely deciding is all we need to do and there are no other obstacles anyway. My parents have never really comprehended that people can have different sets of priorities in life. I'd rather be happy as a minimum wage road sweeper than be miserable and stressed doing a well paid job that I hate. Apparently that's crazy. Depression's another thing altogether. Maybe in our parents' day mental health problems weren't as broadly recognised as they are now. Doesn't necessarily mean if more people are diagnosed with depression tomorrow, that there are more depressed people than there are yesterday. Some people will go years, decades without a diagnosis or anything. Maybe if our parents sought treatment when they were younger themselves, they wouldn't be taking it out on us now.
  10. Sorry to hear what you've been going through, but glad to see some positivity in this post. Some people say crap like "get rich or die trying", I'd rather get happy or die trying. The thing that keeps me going is curiosity more than anything n the world. Even if I'm 99% sure tomorrow will be crap I can't know that for sure. I hope you do feel happier, I hope we all do and to be honest, I could've written that second paragraph myself. I'm absolutely in love with fresh starts and clean slates, I'm always finding myself acting like I've had a major epiphany when I haven't, it's just wishful thinking. Maybe we can fake it till we make it, maybe it'll even be real but either way will suit me absolutely fine. I just hope that you don't fall into the trap that I often do, of beating yourself up if the plan hasn't worked for whatever reason. Giving up is pointless, we're all going to die anyway, no point rushing it. Well, there's my take on positivity....
  11. Heh, I'm full of indecision and in limbo at the best of times so it's hard to say whether this site is doing me any good either. I've started a couple of threads recently, not because I'm looking for anyone to give me the secret answer to happiness or I'm looking for any validation or anything like that, it's more like passively thinking out loud. Sometimes that alone is good enough, seeing the words on a page whether it be a paper diary, a blog or a forum or whatever - it can be productive and if anyone's got anything reassuring to add or can offer a different perspective, great. I've exchanged PMs with a couple of members but beyond that nobody really knows me and I find that comforting in a way, I'm anonymous, I could be anyone and so could you and we're all in similar boats so around here you're less likely to be judged hopefully. I say that, but I'm not averse to meeting and getting to know better anyone off here if the opportunity arose. Ah, we'll be up and down like nothing on earth and maybe on one day it can be good to have people relaying your own thoughts back to you because they understand, but on the other hand on a different day with a different outlook, I've read a lot of threads and posts that just seem to regurgitate my thoughts on a loop and I think that could have a certain air of inevitability to it and be more destructive.
  12. It's perfectly natural to be attracted to people you share things in common with but some things to have in common are less fortunate than others. I don't know where I am from one minute to the next. Looking back, none of my exes have been free of mental health problems and realistically.. well, I think with each of them, between us we made a perfect storm at times. I hate depression, absolutely hate it, yet in other people I find it kind of endearing. I know realistically I can't do anything, and if I do do anything it'll be a short term fix anyway, but for as long as I remember I've always wanted to save people whether in a relationship or friendship. I wonder and worry if I'm ever somehow kind of subconsciously fetishizing mental health problems. I don't know, I hope not because that's awful. I suspect that there are guys out there who are attracted to girls with low self esteem so they can feel like they're needed, that they're the one in the driving seat. To hell with that, it's cruel and can be quite compounding. I suppose it's hard to forget sometimes that the illness doesn't necessarily define the person and that just because someone isn't depressed it doesn't mean they're a superficial and vacuous being with nothing worthwhile to say or do. I've never thought of myself as having a "type" but mental health problems have been a feature with all my exes. Maybe it's a coincidence.
  13. Unfortunately there's no easy answer or quick fix. I've had a few exes over since the turn of the decade, but no disrespect to the others there's the one from two and half years ago that I still think about from time to time. But it's only from time to time, there was a time when we'd freshly broken up that I was thinking about her near enough every minute of every day, wondering what was wrong with me, what I could've done to make things right etc and there's never a satisfactory answer. I know it's a cliche but time is a great healer and it can be quite tempting to rush. I got into a couple of relationships after her and truth be told, looking back, I think I was kind of on the rebound still. I hate myself for even thinking it, but I doubt I'd have got into the other relationships at all if I were happier in myself, and although "the one" wasn't the exclusive reason I wasn't and still aren't happier in myself, she's definitely a factor. I wish I had the answers, could use them myself. Easier said than done I know, but try not to think about the how and the why, but accept the what. When "the one" broke up with me I was obsessed with what was wrong with me, what I could've done to make things right etc but hey, she cheated on me like she'd cheated on other exes before me and it's unfair and completely unrealistic to expect myself to be able to change someone's behaviour like that. Whatever happened, happened and even if I had an intricately detailed summary of the hows and the whys it wouldn't make a difference. Yes, I still think about her (obviously, given this post urgh), but it's getting more infrequent and it's different. I was at a low ebb when we met and I kind of had all my eggs in one basket, she made me feel good about myself for a while. I do sometimes miss her, or at least miss who I thought she was, but I'm no longer convinced that who I thought she was is someone that actually exists. I know it's easy to say and sometimes hard to remember, but it's absolutely vital to recognise that we haven't always felt like this so there's no reason why we always will. Getting over anyone you've been so involved with and devoted to is never going to be easy, but it does happen, to a manageable extent at least. She won't take over and you will push forward one way or another. I will, too. How we'll muster up the hope and determination, god knows. I think getting over someone is something that kind of happens naturally, you can't force it, it's something that will fade over time and as the heartbreak fades hopefully the confidence and motivation will build gradually. Doesn't have to be a major epiphany or anything like that, even the most minor progress will do.
  14. I do worry about alienating people sometimes. Some know more than others and others have no idea at all. Feels almost like a betrayal that I'm not letting everyone in on this depression malarkey. I think some of my friends would struggle to draw a line between lazy and depressed. You could feel so much better if only you tried a bit harder, you know? Sometimes I just want to hide away and wait till I'm out of the trough and on the way to a peak yet people will take that personally. Yes it is a kind of avoidance, but I'm not avoiding anyone or anything in particular.
  15. Yep, got a big case of the Monday blues today too. Doesn't make sense to me though cos my working week is five days out of seven rather than Monday-Friday and often that includes weekends, so my Monday might be your Wednesday or whatever. And I quite like my job anyway. As much as I try to treat a new week as a new leaf, an opportunity to leave bad habits behind and take the bull by the horns, it never works out that way and it frustrates the hell out of me. I've survived thousands of Mondays, would've hoped I'd be used to it by now. Doesn't matter if I've done anything or nothing with my weekend, it's still so deflating. I didn't always recognise that I've been depressed and to this day I find it hard to accept, but even if I weren't I'm sure I'd still have the feeling of dread. What's worrying me is I've been getting this feeling of dread about stuff that I used to enjoy.
  16. Personally, I've got very mixed feelings when it comes to sex. For me it goes from being the most important to the least important thing in the world in no time. I've never had a one night stand but recently a part of me has been thinking it might be something that appeals to me but the bigger part of me doesn't trust myself not to let feelings get involved. You shouldn't blame yourself though. Really, you've done nothing wrong. Maybe there is the risk of opening a can of worms as far as feelings go, but you can hardly blame yourself for that. I don't know, I'm sure I'd be feeling exactly the same in your situation :-/ i just hope you get a bit of clarity out of him, if he's interested in anything more and you are, great. If it was just sex to him.. I don't know, easier said than done I know but I think I'd try to see it as just sex myself too. People have one night stands all the time and that's fine, it's up to them, it's no big deal and to be honest, just by being on this site at all I'd wager we've got more pressing concerns. Yeah... I say this, this is what I'd want to say to myself if I were in your situation but somehow I'm doubting my ability to practice what I'm preaching. Just hope it turns out how you want it to. While it's true that depression will have an impact on some people's sex drives, frankly, it's just plain offensive to suggest that her depression isn't that serious because she's had sex. Some people will have no appetite while others will want to eat everything, some people will struggle to sleep while others struggle to get out of bed - no symptoms less valid than any others.
  17. Oh yeah, I don't think she's doing herself any favours.Not specifically her, but I wonder if people who do stuff like this would be glad to know people are talking about them regardless to whether it's in a positive or negative way. Maybe knowing that she's had people Biotching about her would be another vehicle to hitch on to. Facebook is crazy like that, I can't believe how happily forthcoming people are with their dirty laundry and stuff like this. I don't doubt that she's depressed, but I wonder if she's kind of committed herself into a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way. It must take a considerable effort to maintain such a record of woe! Each to their own, but I do think making light is a brilliant coping mechanism. If we don't take something seriously, how can we be effected by it? Ok, I know it's not that simple but I like the idea. I'm fair game, but I can see how others might find it offensive if I had the same attitude towards them that I do towards myself. I'm sure there are people out there who treat depression as if it's some kind of badge of honour, or it's fashionable or whatever but I'd hope they're very few and far between. Even so, being few and far between won't stop people thinking that everyone who claims to suffer depression is like that, people are weird like that. Ah yeah, I know what you mean about the mouthy thing too. Generally I'm put off the kind of moral police people who feel the need to correct and enlighten everyone and I wouldn't want to be one. It's not my place, and even if it were I couldn't say with enough confidence that they're wrong and I'm right. Agree about the time and place thing. Even down to the original point of this post, the "wallowing" on Facebook. Not that there is a particular point of Facebook but it's referred to as "social networking" and that's what I try to get out of it, it's convenient for arranging stuff and with this particular person I've alluded to at least, I think the social aspect is lost. She'll make these bleak and deliberately ambiguous statuses and every now and again someone will comment asking what's up and she'll say nothing or I'll tell you later or something which I do find a bit weird to be honest. Bares her soul with heart on sleeve, hangs out all the dirty laundry and then tries to act secretive or private. I don't blame anyone for not understanding depression. Heh, I've been depressed half my life and I don't understand depression. I do try to keep a sense of humour though but I think there's a fine line between making fun and being vindictive.
  18. Heh, sounds familiar. I know this isn't going to be helpful because it's not something I can really pinpoint myself anyway, but after a few days like this I always seem to hit a point where I think "to hell with this" and I'll jump out of bed, shave, shower and the rest of it, get on with the housework, buy healthy food etc. Somehow manage to bore myself into activity, but it'd be ideal if I could do something before I get to that point! Like Soulless1 says, baby steps. It's awful when you don't feel like getting out of bed, but if you don't get out of bed don't beat yourself up because you'll be no worse off for it than you were yesterday. If you do get out of bed, congratulate yourself. Bask in it. It's an achievement. If you shower, that's another achievement. If you leave the house and do something productive, that's like winning a marathon. Hopefully it can be a kind of domino effect. Well, standing up rather than falling over :P. It doesn't matter how naturally what we struggle with might come to other people - to hell with other people, they're not us and it doesn't devalue our accomplishments.
  19. Urgh, what a hideous title. Anyway, so I ended up out for a friend's birthday with a few people I've not seen for a while last night and somehow the topic turned to another mutual friend who is quite clearly depressed and doesn't exactly shy away from it. For example, a lot of her social networking stuff will be very negative yet repetitive stuff about how she's been feeling, whereas mine will be stupid jokes, "witty" observations and pictures of cats. If you saw my Facebook or Twitter feed, I don't think you'd necessarily be able to tell that I'm depressed, but with hers, well, people were talking like she wallows in it and wants to be seen as some tragically misunderstood deep and meaningful character. I hate to admit it but I can kind of see where they're coming from in a way. Whenever I come out of a low point I do tend to try to make light of it. I don't want to accommodate the black dog, I want to ridicule it. Maybe I'm kidding myself but whatever, it's my way of dealing and I could do worse, but at the same time it's wrong to expect anyone else to share that attitude and it's quite cruel to be joking about other people's depression or "issues" as they're often flippantly referred to. I feel like I should've made a stand and told them how serious depression is but I didn't want to make a scene and I don't want to be found out. I felt quite bad afterwards. Kind of like when you've been in a taxi and the driver starts making racist comments expecting you to agree with him and you just say yeah or whatever because you can't be bothered with an argument. Well, this was worse than that. I joined in, I added a few Biotchy comments of my own and to be honest I kind of felt like a jester. I don't know what the point of this post is really. I suppose I'm kind of asking if anyone else around here has done anything they're ashamed of or avoided doing things they should because they're worried about being "found out" for want of a better way of putting it. I know it's wrong to and I can't help it, but I do still worry about how depressed people are seen in society and conversations like last night reinforces it. We're all wallowers, self-indulgent, it's a 24-7 thing. And it's kind of seeped in a bit with me too even though I know from experience that it isn't like that. Sounds so stupid but I think it's a decent enough example anyway... I recently bought a Jeff Buckley live dvd and was watching that a couple of nights ago. Ok, anyone who knows anything about Jeff Buckley will know that he did have problems with depression and a lot of his songs are sad or even tragic. Well in this dvd he was quite chatty and cocksure, he oozed confidence (whether he genuinely felt it is another issue, I know) but somehow I was surprised. What was I expecting, for him to be stood in a darkened corner of the stage staring at his feet as he sung and played guitar? I don't know, I think maybe people who don't suffer from depression don't really make a distinction between the illness and the person. Maybe they don't even acknowledge the illness. Sorry, I'm rambling now I think this is a good place to stop.
  20. It's tough, isn't it? Realistically, I know I'm very average and why should there be anything wrong with that? I don't think it so much now, but I had a period of about 3 years starting about a decade ago when I was working in a factory doing a job that I considered soul destroying, and i used to find myself wondering how the hell anyone else there seemed to be content doing what we were doing. Urgh, I can't really say this without coming across as Biotchy, which is not what I mean at all... but maybe it's not so bad to be useless, dumb or boring. There'll be people all over the world in what I'd consider far worse situations than me who are far happier and good for them, I'd rather be them.
  21. I suppose like any art form, whether it be books, movies or music we're bound to be drawn to something that resonates with us, and thinking about it depression does come up frequently as a subject matter in a lot of the stuff I.. I say enjoy, not sure that's the right word. Appreciate, maybe. I think even if I wake up tomorrow absolutely fine for the rest of my life, depression will always be something that interests me because it's something I've experienced, that I don't have the answers for and in all likelihood will probably never fully understand. As for whether it's helpful or not - no idea. It's bound to vary from person to person like anything will, even for the same person from day to day. Some days it can be reassuring to have someone or something speaking to me and for me to think they understand, but on the wrong day it feels like the final nail in the coffin.
  22. Thanks. I'm not really sure what I hoped to get out of making this post, just spent half the day feeling like I wanna scream. The most frustrating thing for me is the predictable inevitability of everything I said. I really hate this, it makes me sound like such a snob.. I do really struggle to open up to people, I really do try to see the best in people but I often find myself disappointed. I'm not quite a misanthrope but I will look at people and wonder what the hell they've got to be confident about, why they don't seem to feel about themselves the way I do myself. We're all going to come across a lot of people who are, for want of a better way of putting it, full of s*** and even though I will strongly suspect that, I'll still trust their opinion of me more than I'd trust my own and that's just infuriating because relying on other people to make me happy or tell me what I am is something I feel like I really need to get away, regardless of whether it's positive or negative. I guess in a round about way I'm trying to say that I shouldn't absolutely trust the opinion of someone if they give me a character assassination, so why should I trust the opinion of someone else just because it's their job to try to change the way you feel?
  23. I kind of think I've always been depressed and it's only a matter of extent or how much I handled it. There's been no particular stand out turning point or acceleration or anything for me. Yeah, everyone has their ups and downs but I think I find them harder to take than I should do. I wouldn't call myself lazy but I've never been that motivated, driven or enthusiastic about much in particular. Looking back I kind of feel like I coasted through my teens. Yeah we do grow and adapt as we get older but I don't feel like I've changed massively since I was a kid. The way I feel today, I can't really see an end to depression for me and I think one of the mistakes I've been making more in recent years is looking for an end. At such and such a time I've been pinning all my hopes on this relationship or that job, whatever - anything that relies on other people complying with. Starting to think the black dog has always and will always be there, but sometimes it'll sleep.
  24. I often feel like I'm on autopilot. Too often recently I've been completely oblivious to someone talking to me, keep going through patches when conversation around me just becomes noise, can't take it in. It's frustrating, as much as feel I struggle to concentrate on anything I still manage to dwell and it wouldn't be so bad if I couldn't!
  25. I'm sure everything I'm about to say has been said thousands of times in different ways on here, but depression is a cycle and I just need to vent. I hate myself. I'm ashamed of myself and have been for as long as I can remember. I don't remember anyone telling me how boring, ugly and dumb I am but that's how I've always felt anyway. I frustrate myself no end. I know I can be incredibly harsh on myself, I know it's unfair of me to forgive similar behaviour in others and not in myself. Whenever anyone has treated me badly, I've always found a way to justify it. I deserve it. If anyone complements me, they're just being nice, they couldn't possibly mean it if they knew me. I know my view of myself and the situations I find myself in are prone to exaggeration, I know I take things to heart that I shouldn't, I know that I brush off compliments and absorb and dwell on criticism incessantly. And I know exactly what I'd say if I were reading this instead of writing this - that you shouldn't be so harsh on yourself, that you've got to give yourself credit where it's due and you need to accept yourself. I know I'm not thinking straight, I know I'm irrational and unreasonable, I know what I need to do, yet for reasons I'm struggling to understand it still feels beyond me to change. I see mistakes a mile off, I see exactly where I'm going wrong and how I'm going wrong yet the cycle remains. Sometimes it's as if I'm the saboteur of my own happiness. I'll start drinking to avoid thinking, and the next day I'll be hungover and I'll beat myself up because I knew this'd happen, I knew it was a bad idea before I did it but I did it anyway and I don't understand why. And the most frustrating thing of all is nothing bad has happened and as much as I know that that's not how depression works, the fact that I can't make any sense of it makes me feel like such a failure. I know my brain is playing all sorts of tricks on me so I feel like I want to play tricks on it. I want to fake it till you make it or whatever. I'd be delighted to spend the rest of my life conning myself into happiness - that'd be great. I've read a few self-help type books and to be honest they've not said anything I haven't already considered god knows how many times over. Sometimes having my own thoughts relayed back to me is frustrating, other times it's quite reassuring. Either way, I can't seem to establish any starting point on accepting myself, being less harsh on myself etc and, well.. it's just tedious and draining now.
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