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Everything posted by RichW

  1. I've struggled all my life feeling like I don't deserve or belong, feeling like an outcast. I know I have unreasonable expectations of myself, and I struggle to forgive myself for things I'd so easily forgive others for. I know I'm unfair to myself, but I feel like I don't deserve fairness. I know it's illogical, but that doesn't help because not being able to control my thoughts and feelings is just down to weak willpower and stupidity. Which I also know is ridiculous, I'd never expect that of anyone else and I've got a good idea of what I'd say to someone else saying this to me. But they're not me. I left my home city 10 years ago, and in doing that I kind of feel like that's me having ideas above my station. I'm in denial, I've been disloyal to my past, my family and friends, I've forgotten my place. For the most part I love my job, I work in healthcare and I'm proud of that aspect. While the pay is quite a lot below the national average, back home, I'd probably be considered well off on this wage. I've had a lot of experiences and tried a lot of things since leaving home that I feel like maybe I wouldn't have if I'd stayed. I'm worried about people thinking I think I'm better than them, because I don't at all, that's not who I am. But at the same time, before I left I was yearning for there to be more to life than what I was doing at the time, which was working in a factory, a boring, unchallenging job, and basically just hitting it at the weekend with drink and drugs. I had more disposable income then than I do now and the cost of living there is still lower than it is here. While I feel bad for wanting to leave, I feel envious of the hundreds of people I met who were content where I wasn't. But I feel like I should've been content, I didn't deserve anything more. And for the most part, people seem to like me a hell of a lot more than I like myself. I try to be a good person, I want to be helpful, kind, funny, intelligent, compassionate. Most people I meet seem to think I'm at least one or two of those things, and while I want to be and feel that I am, I don't. I must've have conned people somehow, they wouldn't like me if they really knew me etc. So yeah, sorry I'm rambling now. Just interested in hearing about other people's experiences in regard to impostor syndrome and how they deal with it, how they convince themselves that they are worthy.
  2. What do you mean? All I meant is depression doesn't discriminate and it can hit anyone at any time, whatever their circumstances, intelligence or whatever else. Maybe there are links between such and such a type or level of intelligence and a risk of depression, I don't know. I just know there's nothing exclusive about depression.
  3. I'd never expect anyone else to "pull yourself together" so I don't know why I find it so acceptable to expect that of myself. I know there's no quick fix, and there's no guaranteed cause or prevention. I know what works for other people might not work for me and visa versa, I know what worked for me five or ten years ago might not work for me today or tomorrow either. Don't really know why I'm posting this, I'm not expecting anyone's advice to fix me. Wouldn't rule it out though. I just feel like I'm in the worst place I've been in a long time. I'm anxious about work, money, my living situation, my family and my health. I'm exhausted and I've put on a hell of a lot of weight over the past year and half or so. As far as weight management goes, knowing what to do and what not to do could hardly be simpler, but right now I'm in the limbo of caring just enough to hate myself for being so reckless, but not caring enough to do anything about it. I've never liked myself and every time I think or talk about my type of depression I feel like it's such a selfish thing to do. I'm not under too many illusions I don't think, I know I'm not alone, I know there are people who care for me even though I don't understand why. Yeah, I've had ups and downs all my life, we all do. Typically, there's been a cut off point where I've felt so bad that I've thought to myself to hell with this and I've become pro-active, I've gone to change or increase my meds, I've started taking care of my health a bit better by drinking less, eating less crap and exercising more. I feel like I've got a duty to the people around me to take better care of myself, but how can you make yourself take care of yourself when you don't like yourself? When you know that whichever direction your health is going in does not affect the way you feel about yourself. In the past it's been an almost inexplicable click into place, the time has felt right to be kind to myself. It doesn't feel right now, but I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this, something's got to give.
  4. Today is the first time I've been on here in getting on for four years, and this is a thougth that's crossed my mind a bit today. The first thread I saw on here when I came back was one from a member saying they were going to commit suicide from a few weeks ago. I have no idea who they are, but I hope they didn't follow through with it. And I hope it wasn't someone just messing around either, some horrible people out there. I don't remember being particularly active on here but quick look at my profile it looks like I was more active than I thought.. I hope nobody noticed or was worried when I stopped coming on here. I don't know why I stopped really, depression hasn't left me. I don't know how long I'll be back for either, but right now I feel like I need somewhere to reach out to and I don't want to feel like a burden to my wife, family and friends. I know they wouldn't feel like that, but I do.
  5. To be honest, I doubt there to be too much correlation between depression and intelligence. Yeah, we usually measure intelligence academically but that doesn't really tell a whole story about someone either. Depression doesn't care how intelligent you are, how successful, what you look like, where you're from, how relatively good this or that aspect of your life is, how your life looks to others or anything like that. We know our brains plays all kinds of tricks on us, we know they're tricks. I try to play tricks on my brain, never had a great deal of success. I don't know what the answer is, but I don't think intelligence has much to do with it.
  6. Took me a very long time to even consider anti-depressants as an option in the first place as I was very skeptical about them anyway. I figured that since there is no one size fits all and there is no quick fix, and seeing as often the list of possible side effects has a lot in common with the symptoms of depression anyway, I may as well not bother. Yeah, I know some people take them for years or even decades but I'm just not willing to give them that much time. So far I've tried Prozac, Citalopram and Sertraline for a four months each. Well, according to the doctor that's very ample time for them to take effect. Prozac, nothing at all. Citalopram and Sertraline, while I was taking those I did notice myself getting more irritable, tired and restless and I gained a hell of a lot of weight. Maybe I'd have felt like that and gained the weight regardless anyway. It frustrates me how impossible it is to know for sure whether it's the depression or the anti-depressants that's increasing these feelings, or neither. I know with medication it's not going to do everything, you've got to try to help yourself too but I don't think my skepticism towards medication is going to counter that. You can't drink a bottle of alcohol and say to yourself "no, this won't make me drunk", so I'm not sure you can take an anti-depressant and say "no, this won't make me less depressed" if it does actually work. So I think it was around September that I decided that I couldn't be bothered with medication. Initially, I noticed not taking them far more than I noticed taking them. For a few weeks I felt spaced out quite regularly like my head was in the clouds. Really light-limbed, struggling to concentrate but then again sometimes struggling to concentrate needn't be a bad thing considering some of the things we can and do concentrate on. I never expected for a second to stop the pills and that'd be that, everything would be hunkydory but in some ways I feel even more jaded and hopeless now than I did then. I'm running out of ideas. I know here in the UK in many ways we've had it a lot better than a lot of the world as far as health care in general goes, but for the past few years mental health services have taken an absolute battering. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-26530733. One on one therapy or counseling, CBT, psychiatric referrals etc are far less accessible than they were. Anti-depressants, well I could go to the drop in at my doctor's on Monday morning, wait a couple of hours and have the pills a couple of hours after I've been seen for five minutes. I don't know why I'm writing this, I'm just thinking out loud. Has anyone else here been on and off, on and off pills? Anyone stopped cold turkey and it's turned out well or otherwise? Anybody who's taken pills as a last resort and thought "this is a load of rubbish" only to be proven wrong? I don't know, I just feel like I've run out of options. Rinse, wash, repeat.
  7. I wish I knew myself because my depression irritates me no end. Employed or unemployed - I'm depressed. Single or in a relationship - I'm depressed. Living alone or living with friends or family - I'm depressed. Summer or Winter - I'm depressed. It's almost like I'm determined to be depressed. Starting to think happiness itself isn't even "normal". I can't figure a great deal out about my own depression, I think it's always been there to an extent but never quite floored me until about 6 years ago and even then I didn't recognise it for what it was.Nothing happened, I just found myself floored with depression. Seems to have came from nowhere so I'm clinging to the hope that if I can feel like that for no real reason I can be happy for no real reason. Maybe it is naive and idealistic, but I haven't got any better ideas. Hope there's an end to this soon and we can get on with our lives.
  8. In my experience, if it's sustained I'd definitely say numb is worse. I don't think sadness really tarnishes the good things that we care about in the same way numbness does.
  9. I know what you mean about the unrealistic expectations thing. For some reason there's a whole load of behaviour that I cold quite easily forgive in others but never forgive in myself. The potential thing is where I come a bit unstuck though. Realistically, in terms of education, employment, dating etc who am I to decide what my potential may be? Like it or not, these are things for other people to deem if we're good enough or not but even that's got its issues. If we go for a job interview and don't get the job, if we go on a first date and don't get a second, if we fail an exam - none of that is anything personal, these decisions are all based on snapshots. I don't know what I'm getting at, I'm sorry. Personally, I've completely given up on academic learning, it just isn't for me. Expectations more generally are an awkward one for me. I'm not really one to get my hopes up. I don't care about the flash car, the trophy wife and the house in the suburbs or anything like that. I just want a job I don't hate that pays enough for me to get by and have a bit of fun with the people I care about when I'm not at work. That's it, but I feel like I'm asking a lot and I've got some major sense of entitlement.
  10. I joined a gym and spent an hour there. For me, this is brilliant. It's brilliant because it's joining a gym, it's productive and there's the possibility of it helping me to feel better about myself. Also, it's brilliant because I'm always saying "I'm going to do this", "I'm going to do that". I've made god know how many plans that have never come to fruition. I told myself I was going to do this last week. Had a few days to talk myself out of it, make up a million excuses not to but I didn't. I said I'd do something and I did it.
  11. Didn't have a bad childhood really but don't think I appreciated it anywhere near as much as I could or should have and now it's gone. I was always low of confidence, quiet and withdrawn, usually desperate to blend in or just hide in a corner somewhere. Pretty textbook really :P
  12. Such a disgraceful attitude, you're right to be upset about it. I don't understand how people still continuously persevere with the misconception of you can't be depressed, it could be worse. Depression can happen to absolutely anyone, it doesn't matter how great they might think someone else's life is from the outside looking in - they're not seeing the full picture, and that ignorance and the stigma from it only adds to the problem. Athletes aren't immune from heart attacks, why should anyone be immune from depression?
  13. I'm insignificant and my whole life is pointless. I don't see that as a bad thing, I see it more as a pressure release. Because I'm insignificant and I know my whole life is pointless, I don't have to answer or prove myself to anybody. Everyone has their ideas on how to live their life and the things that make them fulfilled etc, but that doesn't mean I have to go along with any of them. Whether I want to be a high flying stockbroker or live in a hippie commune - they're both perfectly valid lifestyles. You can't please everyone, so there's no point trying, there's no need to put myself under undue pressure. I say this, but of course it's all theoretical, never been that great at putting what I preach into practice. I keep trying to remind myself of this because I think it could be beneficial for me. Yet I still have times when I think about how I'd like to think about my life, or how I think I should think about it which both kind of negates what I've just said anyway. I'd love to not care what anyone else thinks about me and not feel the need for approval, but I'm nowhere near that.
  14. I bought some gym clothes, but then I ate a load of junk anyway.
  15. It's good that you've been there 25+ years, if your boss wants you out they've still got to stick to the law and last I heard, for permanent employees at least, being ill isn't a sackable offense. It shouldn't matter if she does think you're making it up, you've got a right to patient confidentiality and even if you didn't, you've had surgery so it's not like they can say that didn't happen! If you do lose your job, your boss is walking straight into a tribunal. For completely different reasons, I'm worried about losing my job too. I'm on a temp contract which is due to finish at the end of March. I started in September and it's already been extended twice but I think this might be the last time. I had a year out of work a couple of years ago and since then I've had 5 different jobs, taking what I can get because everything around here is temp. There's no security, no prospects or anything and even though getting a permanent job is something that's not completely in my control it does damage my confidence. I think I will struggle to get another job and last time I was unemployed for more than a month, unemployment was basically kicking me while I was down. Sometimes I wonder if it'd do me some good physical and mental health wise if I did have a bit of time out of work, as if I'm convalescing. It'd probably do my weight some good if I were out of work too, if I can't afford to get takeaways several times a week and get drunk every time I have a day off. Half of me thinks unemployment wouldn't be so bad, but it doesn't take long for me to remember how much I hated it, how useless it made me feel and how having so much time on my hands just let me dwell on any old crap.
  16. You've hit the nail on the head there at the end for me - it is slavery. I think forced military conscription is absolutely wrong. Sure, being part of the military will be a dream for a lot of people, but equally I think a lot of people are coerced into choosing to join the armed forces, either by seductive advertising or through the feeling that they have no other options. Right now, here in the UK, the Government has been sacking thousands of military personnel and trying to recruit reserves. It's the equivalent of McDonalds laying off a load of people and replacing them with apprenticeships that they don't have to pay the proper minimum wage for. When politicians treat the people they expect to defend them as they do, they don't deserve defending. We have psychopathic war mongering politicians all over the world who will never face the consequences of their actions. I see no distinction between a gangster who hires a hit man and a politician issuing orders to an army. Not only that, but it's deeply undemocratic to enforce conscription. As individuals, while we have a right to vote for who we'd like to govern us, surely we should at least have a right to choose whether to defend those who govern us or not?
  17. I've always had an unhealthy relationship with food too. For some reason I've still got this association of comfort with food, even though every time I have a binge I feel absolutely awful afterwards, both physically and mentally. I know I'll feel like crap but I do it anyway - why?! Sometimes it feels as though I'm punishing myself. I'm terrible with money too. Really immature with it, now that I think about it. I think a lot of my attitude towards money is to do with depression. I am impatient. I'm sick of hearing about how treatment for depression is no quick fix, how it could get worse before it gets better and how it's a long road to recovery. I'm terrified of thinking too far ahead in any respect. Mental health, living situations, relationships, work, finances - whatever. I think for me, there's not even a great deal of point in thinking that far ahead anyway because I have such frequent and massive mood swings that I don't know how I'm going to be feeling from one day to the next. I am impatient because when I feel like getting out of bed is the worst thing I can do, whether it be a concert ticket, pair of jeans, pizza, few beers or whatever - I need something more instant to look forward to. It doesn't matter how minor it is, I need to justify getting out of bed somehow. When I have a good day and start having pie in the sky ideas about what I'm going to do and how brilliant everything's going to be, I need to strike while the iron's hot and act on it there and then. I'm in a fair amount of debt but not so much that I can't get by. Debt just doesn't worry me at all, and in a roundabout way I find that worrying. Why would you think someone who wants to teach maths would be good with their finances? They're totally different things. Even if they weren't, ah, a lot of people don't exactly follow their own advice anyway, some doctors will smoke or take drugs etc but I wouldn't say it makes them a joke or a fraud.
  18. That's one of the reasons I stopped too. The last time I picked up a prescription, I took it to the chemist and he prepared it there and then on the counter in full view of the other customers. I wish I'd pulled them up on it at the time and reminded them of their duty towards patient confidentiality and data protection but I didn't want to make a scene, even though they'd already started to.
  19. Interesting that almost half of the respondents to the poll are single. Makes me wonder if single people are more likely to be depressed, or at least those with partners have the added support that could potentially help alleviate depression sometimes. It's a tough one.. there have been times when I've had all my eggs in one basket in the past, when I've been relying on that one person to make me happy but it's an unfair expectation.
  20. Suppose it's obvious enough to say but you can't know how you're going to feel until you get there. A couple of years ago I thought I'd lost "the one" too, thought I'd never get over her. Sure, I still think about her from time to time but thinking about her is a hell of a lot easier now than it was. Now, I'm not even sure I believe in "the one". Course there's more to it, but I think your pros outweigh your cons. I haven't had sex in about 9 months now, since my last breakup. Sounds horrible, buy maybe for me breakups just started to get easier. I feel like by now, I'd be absolutely fine having sex with someone new without it being a rebound thing or anything like that. The problem for me is a more physical confidence rather than emotional.
  21. Sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. I know it's no consolation but I think I know how you feel. I don't have any answers, I just hope this passes soon.
  22. Sounds sad :-/ I can't imagine falling out with someone over their life choices. It's your life, you don't have to justify anything you do or want to do to Mary. I can understand why Sarah would want to avoid any possible drama on her night, but it's not like it's going to be just the three of you there. If it's beyond Mary to be civil and let bygones be bygones, maybe Sarah could do without her in her life too. It doesn't have to be a confrontation with Sarah though. I think what I'd do in your situation is just casually mention to Sarah about the night, ask her when and where it is, ask her if she has any gift ideas or something and see what she says.
  23. Maybe they're happy? I say they as if it doesn't include us.. I'm sure everyone's got something they're materialistic about. I don't consider myself generally materialistic but I'm a record geek, got tons of cds, vinyl and cassettes. Completely pointless. Hardly ever listen to the physical records but it's a passion and I certainly don't have enough passion in my life! I'm not a helpless consumer who's had the wool pulled over his eyes by capitalists, I'm just a guy with a hobby. People like what they like and I don't think it's really fair to judge someone who's got all the latest gadgets and fashions any differently from a collector of antiques, books or music etc. If they're happy with what they're doing or striving for, good for them. Even if you think they can't help it and they're conning themselves, so long as they're happy I still say good for them.
  24. More into spirits and beers than alcohol, but I do love My ****** Valentine. Great band, saw em a few years ago too :) Edit: hah, funny censoring there makes it sound worse than it is! MBV anyway...
  25. I can understand how Valentines Day can make people feel lonelier, miss their ex or whatever. I've been there myself, but this time is different because I couldn't care less about the Hallmark holidays. Tomorrow night I'm having a kind of anti-Valentines Day with a few friends. We're going to get a load of alcohol and junk food and watch some cheesey films, it's going to be brilliant. What are you up to?
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