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Everything posted by RichW

  1. Interesting to think about but I couldn't even guess either way really. Yes, I've felt this way for as long as I remember and for the life of me I can't think of any particular event or trigger that led me to this, it's just been my reality. I suppose different people will have different causes of and ways of coping with varying extents of depression. Over the past decade or so, I've had some very different circumstances as far as employment, friendships, relationships, physical health and financial security and things like that go, yet somehow I don't think I've ever got better. Sometimes for a while, I think my depression may have laid dormant, it's never gone away. If depression is something we're born with that's something I'm not really comfortable with, wonder if that is the case, then how much of our lives are personal choice or predetermined. I like cheese but I don't like mushrooms, I'm liberal not conservative, I like David Bowie but I don't really like Rolling Stones, I'm sexually attracted to women not men. I think to a strong extent, broadly speaking because I know we're perfectly entitled to have different views on success and failure, but I think the more commonly accepted ideas of success and failure are largely guaranteed before you're born. I don't know, I'm just really uncomfortable with the idea that this is how it is and that's it, I don't want to believe in absolutes, I want to retain the hope that I wasn't born this way so I needn't always be this way. Even as a depressive I still have moments of what I'd consider idealism, that we have free will about anything, however trivial or important. Feels quite pointless if we don't.
  2. Welcome to the forum, only been here a couple of days myself. I disagree that faking it till you make it is the only way of getting someone to like you when you're depressed. They wouldn't be liking you, they'd be liking someone who doesn't exist and you'll be doing both them and yourself a disservice. Also, I think it's dangerous to presume that getting into a relationship will spring you out of depression like the best drug. As you say, the depression doesn't go away as such. I've done it myself before, got into a relationship purely because at the time it feels like it'd be better than not being in a relationship and hoping that whoever I find myself with will be able to just snap me out of my depression through good conversation, understanding, intimacy and sex. Course it didn't turn out that way and I was kidding myself that it ever would. I've had four failed relationships but it's hard to draw comparisons between them, I don't think the onus should be on you to keep your partner after the romance/love phase ends. A relationship should never be a one way street. The ex I was most broken up about cheated on me and for months afterward I kept thinking to myself "if only I could've done something to stop her wanting to cheat on me" which is an absolutely ridiculous way of thinking. We've got our own problems, we can't accommodate for other people's too. If a relationship involving a depressed and non-depressed person does break down, I think it says as much about them as it does us. It isn't our failure, they knew what they were getting into and we've been trying to remedy ourselves, by god we have. Whatever the reason it does break down, we need to be realistic about it, maybe they're no better than a fair weather friend.
  3. I've noticed the same with women too, usually using a flippant word like "issues". OKCupid is a fun site sometimes, can't be bothered with the dating side of it right now but I like the questions section. Whenever I click on someone's profile I always go to that bit to see how often we're coming from the same place. There was a question I was asked on it "could you date someone who takes anti-depressants?". I ticked yes because.. well I don't want to be a hypocrite for a start, and I think most people on anti-depressants are more people that happen to suffer depression rather than depressed people if that makes sense. Hopefully not forever obviously, but for now at least depression is a part of us, we can't let it define who we are. Still, it was sad how often I'd click on other people's answers and see that they'd ticked no. A lot of people simply won't understand, but the ones who matter will at least try to.
  4. That's something I've often wondered myself. I'm 30 now and I did worry about relationships and stuff more in my late teens and early 20s and I didn't get into my first relationship or lose my virginity till I was almost 27. Now, well I've had four breakups since then so maybe I'm just not ready for relationships. No matter though, that's four people who, for a time at least, must've seen something in me that I've never seen and still don't see in myself. I don't even know what they saw either, I never asked. Either that or they were all hopelessly desperate!
  5. Sorry to hear about the breakup and how it's effecting you. Probably not what you want to hear right now and I know it's easy to say, but I'm sure a lot of us have felt at some point like there's someone we'd never get over. I know I have. I still think about her from time to time, wonder what if and all the rest of it. I never ever had any hope of reconciliation and for a decent time I was desperate to forget everything, but I just couldn't. It's a cliche but it's true, it's just going to take time and I don't think it's something you can rush. The ex I'm referring to, well I thought I tried everything. I turned to escapism through booze, I joined dating sites, I tried to move on as quickly as I could but with hindsight I was probably kidding myself. I was a rebound to her which was an awful feeling, but then I went and rebounded myself and I hate myself for that. I was terrified of letting myself go, and although my next relationship was so much longer than the previous one I felt like I just couldn't let myself get so emotionally involved, like there was always a bit of detachment going on in the vague name of a defense mechanism. The previous ex cheated on me with her ex after she told me how she'd cheated on him and appeared to give herself such a hard time over it. I felt sorry for her, she deceived me good and proper, and I excused some terrible behaviour that I'd never excuse myself for. I felt damaged and it's completely unfair I know, but I felt like I couldn't trust or let myself go again. Tried conning myself a couple of times since, and I don't know why it is, but I hate that it seems to be the way that I've had the hardest time getting over the one who treated me worst. Other exes treated me far better but I wasn't anywhere near as upset about the breakups with those than I was with her. I still think about her, there are certain songs, places, times etc that will always remind me of her, but I've gone from thinking about her every waking minute of ever day to once every couple of weeks. I suppose like with depression, there are no quick fixes to getting over a breakup. It might be tempting to take short cuts but that could be the opening of another can of worms. Course, different people have different connections and obviously I don't know the situation, but if it's what you want and if it's realistic then if you do reconcile, great. I'd be very cautious about false hope, in my opinion that's worse than no hope. I don't know, I wonder if when we've had such a strength of feeling for another person, if we can ever get completely over them, but in time it will get easier to cope without them. One way or another, I hope you get what's best for you.
  6. Been wondering the same, myself. I was always quite skeptical about anti-depressants anyway and it took me a hell of a long time to even consider them as an option. Maybe I am being a bit paranoid but I don't think it's really in the interests of the pharmaceutical companies for people with depression to be cured somehow. I know there's no one size fits all, there's trial and error etc and I've not been on anything anywhere near as long as a lot of people have. I was only taking ADs for a year, but in that time I had prozac, citalopram and sertraline but I didn't feel any benefit from either of them. I think they've done more harm than good for me and I could quite easily spend the rest of my life taking this and that waiting for a positive effect. If they were going to have a positive effect I should've started years ago. Obviously I was at a low when I started taking them, but far from my lowest low but in a few ways I'm in a better situation than I was when I started. Still got a long way to go, but I don't think ADs are the way for me. I haven't even weaned, I've just stopped and yeah I'm having weird moods and stuff which I expected but it's been kind of different, I don't remember feeling this out of sorts and panicky before I started taking them and I just want it out of my system now. Over the last year I've had times when I've been really irritable, really lethargic and paranoid and I've put on about 40lb this year which has an obvious impact on confidence. Course there's no way to know and I wish there were, but I do wonder if I'd have felt like this and acted the way I have and put on the weight I have if I hadn't been messing about with ADs. I just want rid now.
  7. Sometimes I feel like I really wish I could sleep the clock around, been having loads of days lately when I've woken up and been disappointed with how early it is. Hardly ever feel like I'm properly awake anyway.
  8. I spent just over a year out of work across 2011 and 2012 and I hated it. It's good that you've got savings, but personally I would stay in work. Not for the money, buy for the distraction or sense of purpose or whatever. I wouldn't quit unless I had something else I could build a routine around, personally, I think without a routine I'd spiral.
  9. I've never had any faith in my life really. I'm from a city that for a long time had the lowest church attendance in the UK and I think they've got maybe one mosque and one synagogue. Each to their own, so long as someone who believes A could respect someone who believes B and not go to war, that'd be great. If I had to label myself, I'd have to say I'm probably agnostic because given the choice between a big bang that came out of nowhere and a guy who made everything in a week, they both sound quite crazy to me. Completely agree though, if there is a God and if that God is complicit in the scale of suffering in the world because "God works in mysterious ways", I can't respect that God.
  10. Good point. I have loads of gay and bisexual friends and family members but homophobia makes no sense to me at all because short of curiosity, I've never been able to grasp why anybody would care. To me, someone's sexuality is as important as their favourite colour, I don't care who wants to have sex with who, it's no measure of a person. I know even the nicest people can have judgmental and bigoted opinions and yeah, they could be right 99 times and wrong once but for me at least, prejudice of any kind, whether it be about race, sexuality, gender, social class, religion, age, health - whatever, it's pretty much a deal breaker for me, I'd have to think twice about wanting to maintain a friendship afterall.
  11. You say that and I've had the same thought about myself more times than I care to remember, but why should we? I know I can be irrational at times, I know I have moments of paranoia and that I've definitely trusted people I shouldn't have and been suspicious of people I needn't have, so why should I trust my own judgment? People have different ways of measuring what they perceive to be self-worth but I think they're all bound to be flawed in some ways, there'll always be exceptions whatever rule we use to measure ourselves by. I don't think there's any black and white things that make anyone a good person or bad person, we'll all have good and bad days. People I'd consider bad in bad in my subjective judgment will on occasion do things I'd consider good, and people I'd consider good will mess up occasionally and act like a d**k. We're all human but me personally, sometimes I think I lose sight of that particularly where depression is concerned. I have expectations of myself that I'd never have on anyone else. I should be able to just pull myself together, I should be whiter than white. It's impossible. We all do things we're ashamed of and that we regret but why should we give ourselves a harder time and hold ourselves more responsible than we do other people?
  12. I've recently gone cold turkey off 100mg Sertraline, given Citalopram and Prozac and haven't felt any benefit at all, barely even noticed any effect until I swapped. To be honest, for the past couple of years my sex drive has been a bit of a rollercoaster, it's been up and down all over the place. Typically, it's usually at its highest when I'm single irrespective of meds. I don't know if it's just a grass is greener thing, but I have had times I hate to admit that when I've been in a relationship I've not wanted to be and now that I'm not, I kind of miss the intimacy and closeness, knowing you've got someone there to talk to whether you would or not. Oh, and the sex obviously. I do ********* a lot, but it's just a force of habit thing now, it's almost like a sleeping pill to me. I'm not sure how much meds have had to do with my sex drive being all over the place, I just know that part of my depression has me feeling ugly and emotionally, intellectually and sexually inadequate. I do understand how, hypothetically if I were with someone again and weren't interested in sex they'd see it as me rejecting them but it wouldn't be like that at all. I don't know, I feel ridiculous saying this, but it's not that I've wanted to avoid sex, it's that I feel ugly, I feel inadequate, and I feel like I'd be doing someone a disservice if I were to have sex with them, I'd feel like I had to apologise!
  13. Eh, fifth attempt really, keep typing and thinking no that won't do. I'm Rich, 30, in Manchester. Can probably guess why I'm here.
  14. I'm a grade A hypocrite, every single day I tell myseslf to "pull yourself together" and the rest of it. I know I shouldn't be and I would never expect anyone else to be, but I'm embarrassed about my depression. I put on a brave face and hope for the best.
  15. That's the most frustrating thing I find with my depression - I genuinely have no idea at all what caused me to feel like this, I've felt this way for as long as I remember. I really don't know. I don't have a terrible life, there must be millions upon millions worse off than I am. I feel like I should be happy, but I'm not and that just makes me feel ungrateful and unappreciative.
  16. I struggled with this for a long time too and I've had quite opposing experiences to be honest. I first went to see a doctor in 2009, I'd been putting it off longer than I care to remember and I was quite ambivalent about it anyway. I'd never, ever expect it of anyone else but at the time I felt like I should've just gotten over myself and pulled myself together but you just can't, it doesn't work. The first doctor I saw, I got the impression he thought I was a waste of space, the way he spoke and his general demeanour, I felt like he resented me being there. Maybe I was way off the mark, I don't know, but that's just the impression I got. I don't want to put anyone out either. Took until last year for me to see another doctor and they were much more forthcoming, much more welcoming and understanding, I don't know if it's a popular angle for GPs to be coming from when discussing depression, but the second doctor I saw seemed to more or less approach depression as if it's a broken arm. Don't expect someone with a broken arm to suddenly get better, why expect any different of someone suffering from depression? There remains an incredibly negative attitude towards depression in society, if you can't see it it's not there, it's a trendy illness isn't it, and all the rest of it. I've had no earth shattering tragedies in my life, if only I could just change the way I think I'd be sorted. Initially, I did find seeing a GP and getting a prescription helpful. Never has any doctor said something to me that I hadn't already thought myself, but somehow coming from someone else their points seem more valid. I've always been suspicious of anti-depressants though which is stupid really. I'm quite unnerved by a pill that's designed to adjust your mind, the way you think and feel. I say this as someone who'd be quite happy to be permanently drunk and who has before today experimented with mind altering recreational drugs and probably will again. Somehow, in my twisted logic, ecstasy was absolutely fine but prozac wasn't. Sorry, I'm rambling now. I know there's no one size fits all, there's no quick fix or anything like that. Even if you find that seeing a doctor is of no help to you, at least you've tried. You're being pro-active about your depression and that in itself is something to be proud of, when you feel like getting out of bed is the last thing you want to do, doing anything is an achievement. Good luck.
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