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About RichW

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  • Birthday 04/07/1983

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  1. I know it's not without its risks but I don't think I've got any other option right now. It's either that, bottle up, stiff upper lip, build a wall, or alienate anyone I care about. I'm not a good person to be around, physically or virtually. I've been depressed ages and frankly, it's boring, it's tedious. And this is to me, so god knows what it must be like for anyone else close to me. So where do you start? How do you thicken your skin and build a bit more resolve? How do you stop being so bothered about what other people think, how do you take your own thoughts and feelings, put them in a box and just forget about them? How do you get over the idea that you've got no right to how you feel? How do you get past the feeling that you're nothing more than a burden? How do you deal with the conflict of feeling like, morally, you should be able to be honest with yourself and others around you, while feeling like you can't because you don't meet society's expectations.
  2. It's such a surreal time right now. COVID won't be here forever but I'm more worried about the after effects than the virus itself. I'm from the UK and I'm disgusted by the way our government have handled the situation. Likewise with Trump. Over here we've had a decade of our government basically just trampling on living standards for the masses while rewarding the mega rich. Homelessness and poverty went through the roof before this, and all this pandemic has been to them is an excuse to extend their priorities. Course, for some, anxiety comes with a tendency to catastrophise and depression comes with a tendency to cloud judgment. Right now, from where I'm sitting, I just can't see life getting any better. But there have been plenty of things I couldn't see at times too. Thought I'd never find a job, thought I'd never find someone, this bad thing would happen, that good thing would never happen etc. But we don't know, and sometimes it's great to be wrong. May take a while, but to look back and laugh and think what the hell was I thinking? - what a comfort that is.
  3. Wish I had the answer. You're lucky, it could be worse. I don't know if people think they're being helpful when the say stuff like that, I don't know if people think it's something we've never realised ourselves, but it feels like a kick in the teeth every time.
  4. Competence, yes. Don't think we're likely to excel though, but why should we anyway? I know for a fact that I've had countless times when I could justify to HR going on long term sick for mental health but I've never been able to justify it to myself. Sometimes I think I'd be worse off if I were off work, even with all its frustrations and stresses. Now I'm coming at this from a British angle, I have no idea what protection there is in the US. Here, for now at least, we've got the Equality Act which makes it illegal to discriminate against a list of protected characteristics, and mental health is one of them. Course, as far as employment goes it's worthless to anyone who doesn't have a permanent contracted job with guaranteed hours. I've had over 20 jobs and only one of them has been permanent. I once did three years as a temp in the same place, no guaranteed hours, just fortunate that they kept coming. If they wanted rid of me they wouldn't have even had to sack me, no disciplinary routes or procedures or anything like that, they could've sent me home mid-shift or called me telling me not to come in any time they wanted and I'd have had no come back. Still, there's a hell of a lot of lipservice out there from employers who want to be seen to care about mental health, but very little to back that up.
  5. Bit spaced out. Been on duloxetine, stopped taking it a few days ago. Last time I was running out I rang my GP, didn't notice any benefit, so wanted either an increase in dose or a change of meds. Got fobbed off. I'm just frustrated and hopeless. I've been depressed half my life but I've never been suicidal - course anyone who has been or is suicidal should take priority over me but as a society we're not even doing that.
  6. In a word, stupid. I've always been a sucker for nostalgia and I can have rose tinted specs, just not about the present or the future. I know I'm looking at the past differently, from such a messed up time. I know it's illogical, I know anxiety and depression are but they still happen. What do you do.
  7. Short answer, I suspect no but I'd love to be wrong. I dunno, I kinda see depression like an addiction. If an alcoholic stops drinking they're still an alcoholic. If you win the lottery, go on holiday, see your favourite band, get any enjoyment from life for whatever reason, it doesn't mean we're not depressed. I don't think society really gets depression. It's not being dumped or sacked, your team being relegated, whatever. We could win the lottery and still feel like crap. On the other hand, depression isnt necessarily sitting alone at home listening to The Smiths and crying either. I think depression is as much a part of us as any other health condition is anyone else. It's how we manage it that counts.
  8. We're nearly 5 years. I'd say yes, but at the same time I'd say she's kinda at a loose end too. I mean I don't envy her. She seems to be accepting that I wasn't interested at all. I think she believes me. I didn't believe it when it came up, I played it down, made a joke of it. Then again it keeps coming up. Only time will tell I suppose.
  9. Are you talking about any particular case in the UK? Yeah, you'll no doubt get arrested if you seriously injure or **** someone as you should, whether or not charges are brought is another thing. Defend yourself, go for it. Biggest profile case we had was a guy who said he was defending himself by shooting a guy in the back as he was running away, that isn't self-defence... That sounds a bit like Trump actually, he's had a few bankruptcies in his time eh? Yeah, it's balls. Sometimes feel like that myself. Forever seeing people in positions and wondering how the hell they got there. I wish employers took a different approach. Academia, interviews are absolutely no reflection of anyone's ability to do a job.
  10. Depeche Mode: Enjoy The Silence. Just letting YouTube do whatever.
  11. Empty. Was very very close to a break up earlier in the week. I'm kinda shellshocked. Ok, short version. Friends with someone on myspace 15 years ago, met up a couple of times, fell out, she found me on facebook a couple of years ago and added me. Made a pass at me a few weeks ago, couple of times since and last week got more graphic and direct. I brushed it off and tried to make a joke of it the same way I would any compliment. Wife saw it and thought I was having some kind of emotional affair. It started a world of shit basically. I mean, I have a hard enough time wondering if things are as I see them or not as it is. To me, brushing it off and trying to make a joke of it was natural. Nope, that was reciprocating. Spent a few days just repeating eachother but at least we're on talking terms now. She initially thought I was cheating, but I don't think she thinks that anymore. I just feel a bit rocked. Empty was the right word. Also feel like I've dodged a bullet. I had all sorts of scenarios running through my head over what'd have happened if we'd broken up and none of them were good. It's been an ongoing thing for a good while now. I feel like I'm not who I should be. The things and people who've made me who I am.. well they've faded. Course so have I too, so then you start to question who you are and what you think etc. Relationship issues aside, how the hell does anyone know how to feel right now? I thought I'd been taking the whole weird situation quite well. I dunno, not bad rather than well maybe.
  12. Alright, as far as how nice we are or not, we're not going to be our own best critics. That said, on the other hand it can be nice to have validation but we really shouldn't be letting other people determine our worth either. You shouted at a homeless guy for not showing gratitide. Won't be the first, won't be the last. Doesn't make you a bad person. There isn't a simple answer and if there were, laziness isn't it. Striking gold and not picking it up? Nah, definitely more to that than laziness. Doesn't make sense, does it? Neither does depression
  13. Took quite a decline earlier. No reason that I can see for it, just came out of nowhere and hit me. Feels weird saying that during a pandemic. I dunno. I'm kinda freaked out by how calm I've been so far about the virus. Course I'm worried, but it's not the earth swallowing anxiety worry I get over remembering a mistake I made 10 years ago. It's, by my standards, a healthy level of worry. It's the uncertainty that's getting to me as much as anything. If nothing else this ought to be a time for reflection, for people to think about their priorities in life and all the things they take for granted. Wonder what "normal" will look like when this is all over.
  14. Curious to read more experiences of this. I switched from venlafaxine to this about 6 weeks ago and honestly got no idea if it's doing any good or not. Don't know whether it's worth asking for an increased dose in another few weeks or whatever. Heh, it's hard enough to tell at the best of times whether dips or improvements are chemical or circumstancial or whatever, never mind during a pandemic.
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