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About RichW

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  • Birthday 04/07/1983

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  1. I suppose with the internet it's much easier to find like-minded people to communicate with on specialist forums and groups etc. Course people find ways to express what they like in real life too, they might be wearing a t-shirt of their favourite band. sports team or some film or TV show reference, whatever. Good way of striking up a conversation, and a couple of my best friendships have been struck up because of what they were wearing. I do struggle to connect with people too though. I used to be a hell of a lot shyer when I was younger but even now I'd still rather be in the background, if I find myself in a group of half a dozen people or whatever I'll be the observer, I'll listen while other people take the lead rather than actually participate. I've grown more outgoing as I've got older, but it's still kinda restrained as if I'm putting up a wall because I can't let people know the real me. I've got a fair few acquaintances but very few people I'd consider close friends. Online communication is very much easier for me. Well, you get more time to think about what you want to say, you've got your delete button. Maybe that's a double edged sword too though, you've got more time to think about what you want to say, you've got more time to think about how people might take what you say, how it comes across etc. More time to overthink, which is probably why I'm more of an observer than participant in groups.. As with anything related to depression, it's so easy to say... neither of us know how much we'll regret opening up to anyone. We encounter strangers every day, never knowing what their story is. It's safer not to though.
  2. Sometimes I think my wife is overly critical of me but half the time she's criticising what I do or don't do, or the way I do it. She's not criticising me, but it feels like it and every time I upset or annoy her it feels like a catastrophic failure. Depression does exaggerate the negative and play down the positive, it's hard but it's important to remember that what might feel like a personal attack most likely isn't.
  3. I'm six weeks in now and before this it'd been about 5 years since I'd been on any anti-depressants. My doctor told me six weeks and that seems to be a fairly general rule of thumb. I gave fluoxetine, citalapram and sertraline three months each, and mirtazapine I think about a month before giving up and going cold turkey. I don't remember noticing anything with any of them, and so far with venlafaxine I don't know either. I've been on 75mg since the start and I've got another six weeks left on the prescription I'm on now, when I'll go see my doctor again. I have been nauseous but I don't know whether that's more related to the depression or the venlafaxine. I have been struggling for sleep on hotter nights. Even last night was relatively mild but I still woke up at 5:30am. I have been anxious but again, I don't know whether it's related much at all to the venlafaxine. Other things like my appetite, sex drive and energy levels have been fairly consistent before and after starting on the pills. Course if we get a good day, or a sequence of them - and it will happen - I don't know if it's even possible to attribute that to the pills. Could have had some good news, maybe you've got a concert or holiday or something to look forward to coming up, maybe it's a change in the weather. Maybe it's the pills. I really don't know, but I'm prepared to go with the flow, see my doctor towards the end of this prescription and see what he thinks. While I'm an expert on what my own depression does to me and while I've got a reasonable enough idea what to do about it, I have no idea how.
  4. I've had periods where I've avoided bad habits. Well it was easier to avoid eating crap and drinking too much when I was unemployed and couldn't afford to, plus I was walking all over as I couldn't afford the bus. People still talk about welfare as if it's so generous and an easy life - it wasn't for me, yeah I lost a lot of weight without really trying, but with so much time on your hands, particularly when you're prone to overthinking as it is, it was hell. So yeah, sometimes circumstances make it easier to break some bad cycles but the pessimist in me says that not doing something because you can't afford to isn't an achievement. It's thought patterns that are the worst for me. I eat crap and drink too much knowing full well that I'll feel bad for it because in my mind I deserve to feel bad. I'm fully aware how ridiculous it sounds, I wouldn't expect it of anyone else. There's nothing special about me, but that shouldn't be a bad thing. Quite the opposite really, I'm not going to acheive anything amazing, the pressure should be off but I still hold myself to ridiculous standards. Even if I make the most minor and easily reversible mistakes, I'll give myself hell for it. Sometimes I think I could save the world and I'd beat myself for not doing it quick enough or better. It's ridiculous, I know. And I know I'm only human, I know I have many flaws. That's people, we've all got them. Just for some reason that I've never understood, I find other people''s flaws and mistakes much more acceptable and forgiveable than my own. I know it's wrong, but that's my normality. I wish I could just flick a switch and think "to hell with it, I'm not going to worry about this today, I don't care that I'm not perfect". I keep trying to flick that switch with alcohol but it never works and I know it never works but I keep doing it anyway. And that just becomes another stick to beat myself with, why do I keep repeating stupid pointless patterns, when will I learn, why can't I be stronger willed? I'm fully aware of what I should do and shouldn't do, what I should think and what's a waste of time and energy. I know where I'm going wrong, and where I should go right, I just don't know how to. Even when I try to make positive changes, like going to the gym, it feels like I'm lying to myself. Losing weight won't solve all my problems. Yeah, I might feel more worthwhile as a person if I do but I feel like that'd be wrong. Doesn't matter how much weight I or anyone else loses, we're still the same person and weight really shouldn't be a measure of worth but by wanting to lose weight I feel like I'm subscribing to a myth. I'm an imposotor.
  5. Wish I had the answer. I've got some terrible habits, I'll do things in full knowledge that I'll feel bad because of it after but I do it anyway. I'd go as far as saying it's self-sabotage.
  6. I'm four weeks in today. Haven't had any ringing in ears, but what I did get was a very dry mouth for the first couple of weeks. Has eased off a lot but it's still there. I'm only on 75mg for now, picking up my second prescription today and I think towards the end of that in week 7 of 8 I'll see my doctor again for review. I wouldn't have expected it to help so soon, I have no idea if it has. That's the most truly maddening thing about depression and anti-depressants for me, how can you know whether it's the depression or the pills making you feel a certain way? Likewise, if there is any noticeable improvement, how can you be certain whether it's the pills or a change of circumstances? I'm pretty much permanently exhausted but Venlafaxine is only one of several factors for why that could be. @jboogs, if you're still taking Venlafaxine, upped your dose or whatever, I'd be interested in knowing how you're doing three and half months in. Good luck.
  7. Went to the gym. Joined last week, third workout in 6 days. I'm hoping to do 2-3 a week. See what effect it has on my mental health too, if anything.
  8. Wish there was an easy answer. My self-hate just leads me into self-sabotage, I'll eat and drink too much knowing it'll make me feel like crap because in my mind, that's how I deserve to feel. Despite having such a low view of myself I'll have higher standards for myself than I do other people. I'll stew over mistakes that I'd have no qualms forgiving in other people, but because it's me I don't deserve forgiveness, I don't deserve kindness. It's never made sense but this is the way it's been for as long as I remember. It's easy to say it doesn't make sense, it's easy to tell other people that there's no reason that they should feel the way they do, that they do deserve kindness, fairness, happiness, health - whatever. How it feels like such an insurmountable task to apply basic logic like that to yourself, I've never understood. I am harsh to myself, I know that, and I know I wouldn't be so harsh to anyone else. How to combat it, I really don't know at all, answers on a postcard please. Expect that, like depression, it'll be different for so many people, that there won't be a quick fix and it'll take unlearning habits of a lifetime. Which is strangely daunting, cos self-hate feels like it's so embedded, it's become a key characteristic, I'm challenging who I am. Not strictly true, but that's how it feels and that is very real.
  9. Sorry if this has been posted about over and over but it's something I've been spending a fair bit of time thinking about lately. There's more to each and every one of us than the number on the scales and the shape, size, colour or age of our bodies but at the same time it feels so important. Healthy body healthy mind, they say. As per forum rules, no numbers or anything but I'm convinced that I have some kind of eating disorder along with a kind of body dismorphia.. I'm a binger, I eat my feelings and my weight has spiraled out of control again the last couple of years or so, as it has many times. For the last decade or so, my mind and body have been on a rollercoaster. I've never been comfortable with my appearance yet now I find myself looking back at photos from years ago wishing that I looked like that now. Earlier today I watched a program called Naked Beach which you can probably guess what that's about. It's probably more just an excuse to show !!!!!! on television, but the premise is that being around "normal" naked people is good for body positivity. Did find it a bit strange that there were so many adverts for cosmetics inbetween.. Anyway. So you've got three contestants who are experiencing issues with their bodies and you've got segments of the show with them each talking about the things they don't like about their bodies and the reasons why. All the while I'm sat here not seeing what they're seeing and wondering if it were me sat there whether they'd be seeing what I'm saying I see. Anyway, the conestants are staying at this resort with about 8 naked hosts and they do a few activities and experiments over the course of a few days and see whether their body image improves enough for them to strip naked on a beach with a group of relative strangers on national TV. By the end of the week two of them went fully naked and one went half naked. I can only imagine how nerve wracking that'd be for me, but they did it so fair play to them. I'd like to have the courage and confidence to do something like that even if I never actually did it. It does give hope that it can be done, that people can improve their body image without changing their bodies drastically. I'm joining a gym on Friday which I've done many times before and has yet to significantly improve my body image. When I was at my healthiest weight, I felt like I was a kind of impostor. Or that I was somehow being in denial of who I am, trying to be someone else. And i have these thoughts about body positivity too which tie in with my depression. I don't deserve to feel good, if I try to be positive about the body I have today I'm giving myself excuses and acceptance that I don't deserve. Anyway, sorry I'm rambling. I just wondered if anybody in here had any tips on achieving a bit more body positivity. One of the tests for the contenstants in the show was to spend 20 minutes each night looking at their naked reflection in the mirror and getting to know their body. Well that's what they said anyway, I thought I knew my body, I take it everywhere with me 😛. Right now, being positive about my body feels like this monumental task and if only I could acheive that then it could have such a positive impact on my life and general wellbeing overall. But I don't know where to start... Any ideas?
  10. "Be more positive" is brilliant, isn't it? I wonder what the hell people who say it expect. Do they think it's a pearl of wisdom that no depressed person has ever considered? Course, positivity is as much a double edged sword as negativity. A pessimist is never disappointed eh? Positive people must experience so much disappointment and failure, but I guess if you're more positive these things won't matter... Be great to stick a sheild like that up, be unaffected by your own brain and the things around you.
  11. I've tried several courses of prescribed anti-depressants, natural remedies, sessions etc. I've never had a medical diagnosis of depression and never been to see a mental health expert. I'm not likely to be in a position to see a mental health expert either, here in the UK funding for mental health support has been slashed and I can't afford to go private. I always have my doubts though. Well, may as well paraphrase from the "The way we talk to ourselves" thread. Pull yourself together. I'd never expect that of anyone else, I feel it. Depression can be exhausting, sometimes I physically ache, sometimes the most trivial and small things feel like the biggest challenges. We're not faking it. Course there'll always be people who'll think that people are faking it for attention, there'll also be people with so many symptoms of depression who refuse to acknowledge the possibility that they are depressed for whatever reason. Personal pride, avoidance of stigma, whatever. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. Or however anyone else in any of these threads is feeling. If we're faking it for attention, why the hell wouldn't we fake something more fun?!
  12. I know I'd never talk to anyone else the way I talk to myself. I know I won't forgive myself for things that I'd easily forgive others for. I know it's unfair and unhealthy to have such unreasonable expectations of myself, but I do anyway. I don't know why I do. I've known how wrong it is for such a long time but it still happens anyway. If I don't beat myself up I'm too easy on myself, I'm giving myself excuses that I don't deserve. I know it doesn't make sense.
  13. I guess with the old high school guidance counselor they might've felt inappropriate conversing with someone who was a client, as you were. I've dealt with a couple of counselors but not for about 10 years now (wow, how did that happen?) and there does have to be boundaries so it's not necessarily about showing true colours. I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with bullies, nobody deseves that. I was so lucky at school as far as bullying goes cos I am the kind of person who gets bullied, I'm introverted, low of confidence etc. I just wish all bullies understood the impact of what they do and say. Felt it.
  14. Quite takenaback by you saying that there's no truth whatsoever in different people finding different things attractive - that's a cold hard fact. How much evidence do you need? If it's such a concrete fact that women are "hardwired by evolution to prefer particular traits in men", why do lesbians exist? Why do men who don't have the strong jawline, broad shoulders and alpha personality still exist after thousands of years? Surely they'd have been wiped out by now. Handsome and ugly are both subjective. Sure there'll be people and traits I consider attractive that you don't and visa versa. How do people have different tastes and fetishes? There's nothing absolute about any of it.
  15. RichW


    Probably a thousand threads on here about feeling numb but course they've all got their personal aspects. Don't know what I'm hoping to acheive from adding another thread to the subject and selfish as it might be I'd rather this than be a burden to any of my friends or family. Just feeling pretty much empty right now. I've felt for a long time that my life is totally pointless and for the most part I've been fine with that. Sometimes better than fine, If life is pointless, that should take the pressure off shouldn't it? You can't lose. Something I've been struggling a bit more with lately is a general loss of interest. I haven't really felt passionate about anything for a long time. The things I used to do, the places I used to go, the people I used to know who meant so much to me at the time. Everything fades, places, things, people aren't what I thought they were for so long and I'm not who i thought I was. There are a few people who've been closest to me throughout my adult life who I barely hear from anymore and yeah people change, priorities change, the things that make us tick change but it doesn't make it any easier not to feel rejected. I don't know, just hard to envisage that the things that meant the most to me, the people who meant the most to me or I meant the most to ever being replaced.
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