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RichW

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About RichW

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  • Birthday 04/07/1983

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  1. "Be more positive" is brilliant, isn't it? I wonder what the hell people who say it expect. Do they think it's a pearl of wisdom that no depressed person has ever considered? Course, positivity is as much a double edged sword as negativity. A pessimist is never disappointed eh? Positive people must experience so much disappointment and failure, but I guess if you're more positive these things won't matter... Be great to stick a sheild like that up, be unaffected by your own brain and the things around you.
  2. I've tried several courses of prescribed anti-depressants, natural remedies, sessions etc. I've never had a medical diagnosis of depression and never been to see a mental health expert. I'm not likely to be in a position to see a mental health expert either, here in the UK funding for mental health support has been slashed and I can't afford to go private. I always have my doubts though. Well, may as well paraphrase from the "The way we talk to ourselves" thread. Pull yourself together. I'd never expect that of anyone else, I feel it. Depression can be exhausting, sometimes I physically ache, sometimes the most trivial and small things feel like the biggest challenges. We're not faking it. Course there'll always be people who'll think that people are faking it for attention, there'll also be people with so many symptoms of depression who refuse to acknowledge the possibility that they are depressed for whatever reason. Personal pride, avoidance of stigma, whatever. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. Or however anyone else in any of these threads is feeling. If we're faking it for attention, why the hell wouldn't we fake something more fun?!
  3. I know I'd never talk to anyone else the way I talk to myself. I know I won't forgive myself for things that I'd easily forgive others for. I know it's unfair and unhealthy to have such unreasonable expectations of myself, but I do anyway. I don't know why I do. I've known how wrong it is for such a long time but it still happens anyway. If I don't beat myself up I'm too easy on myself, I'm giving myself excuses that I don't deserve. I know it doesn't make sense.
  4. I guess with the old high school guidance counselor they might've felt inappropriate conversing with someone who was a client, as you were. I've dealt with a couple of counselors but not for about 10 years now (wow, how did that happen?) and there does have to be boundaries so it's not necessarily about showing true colours. I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with bullies, nobody deseves that. I was so lucky at school as far as bullying goes cos I am the kind of person who gets bullied, I'm introverted, low of confidence etc. I just wish all bullies understood the impact of what they do and say. Felt it.
  5. Quite takenaback by you saying that there's no truth whatsoever in different people finding different things attractive - that's a cold hard fact. How much evidence do you need? If it's such a concrete fact that women are "hardwired by evolution to prefer particular traits in men", why do lesbians exist? Why do men who don't have the strong jawline, broad shoulders and alpha personality still exist after thousands of years? Surely they'd have been wiped out by now. Handsome and ugly are both subjective. Sure there'll be people and traits I consider attractive that you don't and visa versa. How do people have different tastes and fetishes? There's nothing absolute about any of it.
  6. RichW

    Numb.

    Probably a thousand threads on here about feeling numb but course they've all got their personal aspects. Don't know what I'm hoping to acheive from adding another thread to the subject and selfish as it might be I'd rather this than be a burden to any of my friends or family. Just feeling pretty much empty right now. I've felt for a long time that my life is totally pointless and for the most part I've been fine with that. Sometimes better than fine, If life is pointless, that should take the pressure off shouldn't it? You can't lose. Something I've been struggling a bit more with lately is a general loss of interest. I haven't really felt passionate about anything for a long time. The things I used to do, the places I used to go, the people I used to know who meant so much to me at the time. Everything fades, places, things, people aren't what I thought they were for so long and I'm not who i thought I was. There are a few people who've been closest to me throughout my adult life who I barely hear from anymore and yeah people change, priorities change, the things that make us tick change but it doesn't make it any easier not to feel rejected. I don't know, just hard to envisage that the things that meant the most to me, the people who meant the most to me or I meant the most to ever being replaced.
  7. I'll never know for sure, but I can't see it making a major long tern positive difference. Yeah, it'd be nice to not worry about having enough money to get by but I'm a worrier, there's no shortage of things I can find to worry about and I think being rich would only become another. I'd end up suspicious of whether people want to know me for who I am rather than what I've got in the bank. I'd hate that, I've got no desire to be rich. Confortable would be nice.
  8. There's nothing true about that at all. Nobody's worth is based purely on their appearance and in any case there's no such thing as a unifined attractiveness, different people are attracted to different things, physical features, personal characteristics, shared interests etc etc etc - you must know that yourself? There's nothing black and white, cut and dry about human relationships at all.
  9. I'll never understand why people are like that. You'd think a shared interest would be a pleasure but it's nothing unique to gaming that people get so hateful. I'm not a gamer but of the online fandoms I've been involved in there's been so much oneupsmanship and so many cliques that act like velociraptors. If you do this or don't do that, you're not a real fan. It's easy to be abusive online though, if only people held the rule of thumb not to say anything to someone online that they wouldn't say to their face on the street, the internet would be a much nicer place. It was the title that brought me here anyway, I feel like I need better or new friends or a hobby too. Or maybe it's just me who needs to be a better friend. I dunno, I feel like right now I and some of the people I've been closest with for 15 years or whatever are in different places. There's nothing inherently wrong about it, people drift apart, people change, priorities change, that's life. But it doesn't make it any less hurtful when you're the one sending people messages and the replies take longer and longer to come. I can't help but feel rejected when people I used to see several times a week, I'm lucky to see every few months.
  10. You've made me think now. I was cycling home from work one night about 2 and half years ago and a car just shot straight across the junction and through me and didn't stop. Suffered ligament damage in my right knee and it's never going to be normal again. At the time I was in the best mental and physical shape I'd been in for years and I've declined a hell of a lot in both aspects since then. I've not considered PTSD and I'm sure it isn't, I haven't been having flashbacks to the hit and run or anything like that, I have cycled since but don't any more since my bike got stolen. Definitely become more easily angered by bad drivers. i've spent more time than I'd like wishing for karma to find its way to whoever it was who did it to me. It just really took the wind out of my sails at the time, although it wasn't my fault it was a real hit to my confidence. Took a decent while before I was able to walk properly again, I couldn't exercise for months and I fell back into the habit of comfort eating again, which I suppose could be my equivalent to your gambling addiction. I just feel like now the hit and run should've run its course as an excuse, there shouldn't be anything to stop me getting back into the mental and physical shape I was just before it happened. But I'm nowhere near it.
  11. Sorry for the super late reply. I've been married three and a half years, but I don't think that ought to matter too much. Not really had a conversation about it the point of the thread, just passing comments here and there really. My wife will often see people replying to this or that on my Facebook and ask who they are and I'll tell her and a little about them. She's met a fair few of my colleagues but not the one I was talking about in the OP although I think they'd get along quite well. I think part of the connection for want of a better way of putting it is a self-worth thing. I am too reliant on other people for self-worth and I know other people can be so unreliable. I'm having a bit of an issue with one of my oldest friends at the minute, we've gone from seeing each other every week to a handful of times per year. I used to be a priority to her but now I'm more of an afterthought. It happens, people and priorities change, I just wish it didn't leave me feeling like a failure of a human being when people who've been such a fixture in my life for so long drift apart.
  12. Well that's my relationship with food in a nutshell. I'm not sure if I fall into any ED category but in a way I think it'd be an odd kind of comfort if I did, that there's a recognised name for whatever I'm doing and there's helpful advice out there in dealing with it. As far as food goes, I've made the same mistakes more times than I could ever care to count. My brain associates junk food with comfort but at the same time I think my eating is a form of self-sabotage. I'll binge and I'll feel sick. I know the drill, time and time again. I'll gain weight, I'll feel disgusting but that's a comfort in its own way too to reaffirm your own feelings. I don't even know if I'm in the right section, I feel like I kind of understand why I binge eat but at the same time I wish I had the mental resolve to stop myself. Maybe I'd feel better about myself if I took more care of my diet and overall health, who knows. My weight has been all over the place for the past decade. At my healthiest weight I've felt like an impostor, as if wanting to be healthier is a superficial or insincere thing, as if it's something I don't deserve. When I'm bigger, that's just me knowing my place. I want to get over this and stop the destructive binge eating, I really do. I'm fully aware of the damage I'm doing myself, I just don't know how to stop.
  13. Very true. Sometimes hanging in there doesn't feel like enough, but then again it's not like I've got any hopes and dreams to accomplish. Sorry to hear that. Don't mean it to sound callous but I think sometimes people can be a bit keen to grieve if that makes sense. I'm sure when I go there'll be people making me out to have been a better person than I ever was and making themselves out to be closer than we ever were, too. Feels like an extreme form of not speaking ill of the dead - which is something I'm against anyway to be honest. Take Michael Jackson, in the years running up to his death he was a joke to the media, he was hounded left right and centre, the UK tabloics called him Wacko Jacko whenever they'd have a story about him. Then he died and all of a sudden he was a saint, the tabloids couldn't praise him enough in their tributes to him. Now that, I find disrespectful. Death shouldn't change the way you feel about a person. The guy I mentioned at the start of this thread, we were more acquaintances than friends, it was a shared fandom thing really. I think to act like we were closer than we were would be disrespectful too, to both him and his closer friends and family. I wonder about that too, without the pressure of hope. Again, it's something I've got mixed feelings with. I mean, ambition is important but it's important to be realistic too. I think for me acceptance can only lead to complacency and regrettably I really have let myself go over the last year. I suppose it's about getting the balance right, being able to give yourself a pat on the back for trying but not beating yourself up if you don't make it. I know anything can happen, who knows whether that's a positive thing or not. I know from experience and the law of averages that there will be better days, but there'll be worse too. I do have a few plans for the year that I'm looking forward to, more than I can reasonably afford really. I'm going to Prague in April, Glastonbury in June and got a few other concerts lined up inbetween. It's great to have stuff to look forward to, we all need it but it's still temporary and yeah it might make the day to day easier in the run up to the plan you're looking forward to, but it's not going to change you as a person. And that's what I need.
  14. Couldn't think of a decent title for what this post is about so that'll have to do. This time of year is always associated with fresh starts and new beginnings and I must admit while the new year new me stuff does have its appeal, right now it's just feeling futile. Here in the UK, we're living in very uncertain times and politically it's hard to see much to be positive about. Quite the opposite really, I'm as ashamed of the country I live in as I am the person I am. Anyway. On Christmas Day my mother's cousin died and on Sunday a friend died. Both cancer, mother's cousin in her 70s and friend in his early 40s. I say friend, we weren't particularly close. My mother's cousin, I used to work with but I'd not seen for a good ten years or so anyway. I'm sad for them and their closer friends and family, but I'm not grieving if that makes sense, it's not my place. Suppose this is where the reflections come in though. Sometimes the futility of it all is a comfort, sometimes it's a nightmare. Today, this year, I've got no idea which direction I'm gonna go and I can't shake the feeling of it all ending soon.
  15. The festive season just feels like a non-event with a ridiculous build up and for me, is kinda tinged with guilt. I've worked through it anyway from 21st and my next day off is tomorrow. I don't have kids or anything, just me, my wife and cat here. Most of my friends here where I am now, like me, aren't from here. They're spending their season away with family if they're not working. Didn't have that option this year, but if I'm still at the same place I will next year. I struggle with winter anyway, struggle to get into the spirit and to be honest the season just makes me feel like a let down.
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