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RichW

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About RichW

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  • Birthday 04/07/1983

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  1. Went to the gym. Joined last week, third workout in 6 days. I'm hoping to do 2-3 a week. See what effect it has on my mental health too, if anything.
  2. Wish there was an easy answer. My self-hate just leads me into self-sabotage, I'll eat and drink too much knowing it'll make me feel like crap because in my mind, that's how I deserve to feel. Despite having such a low view of myself I'll have higher standards for myself than I do other people. I'll stew over mistakes that I'd have no qualms forgiving in other people, but because it's me I don't deserve forgiveness, I don't deserve kindness. It's never made sense but this is the way it's been for as long as I remember. It's easy to say it doesn't make sense, it's easy to tell other people that there's no reason that they should feel the way they do, that they do deserve kindness, fairness, happiness, health - whatever. How it feels like such an insurmountable task to apply basic logic like that to yourself, I've never understood. I am harsh to myself, I know that, and I know I wouldn't be so harsh to anyone else. How to combat it, I really don't know at all, answers on a postcard please. Expect that, like depression, it'll be different for so many people, that there won't be a quick fix and it'll take unlearning habits of a lifetime. Which is strangely daunting, cos self-hate feels like it's so embedded, it's become a key characteristic, I'm challenging who I am. Not strictly true, but that's how it feels and that is very real.
  3. Sorry if this has been posted about over and over but it's something I've been spending a fair bit of time thinking about lately. There's more to each and every one of us than the number on the scales and the shape, size, colour or age of our bodies but at the same time it feels so important. Healthy body healthy mind, they say. As per forum rules, no numbers or anything but I'm convinced that I have some kind of eating disorder along with a kind of body dismorphia.. I'm a binger, I eat my feelings and my weight has spiraled out of control again the last couple of years or so, as it has many times. For the last decade or so, my mind and body have been on a rollercoaster. I've never been comfortable with my appearance yet now I find myself looking back at photos from years ago wishing that I looked like that now. Earlier today I watched a program called Naked Beach which you can probably guess what that's about. It's probably more just an excuse to show !!!!!! on television, but the premise is that being around "normal" naked people is good for body positivity. Did find it a bit strange that there were so many adverts for cosmetics inbetween.. Anyway. So you've got three contestants who are experiencing issues with their bodies and you've got segments of the show with them each talking about the things they don't like about their bodies and the reasons why. All the while I'm sat here not seeing what they're seeing and wondering if it were me sat there whether they'd be seeing what I'm saying I see. Anyway, the conestants are staying at this resort with about 8 naked hosts and they do a few activities and experiments over the course of a few days and see whether their body image improves enough for them to strip naked on a beach with a group of relative strangers on national TV. By the end of the week two of them went fully naked and one went half naked. I can only imagine how nerve wracking that'd be for me, but they did it so fair play to them. I'd like to have the courage and confidence to do something like that even if I never actually did it. It does give hope that it can be done, that people can improve their body image without changing their bodies drastically. I'm joining a gym on Friday which I've done many times before and has yet to significantly improve my body image. When I was at my healthiest weight, I felt like I was a kind of impostor. Or that I was somehow being in denial of who I am, trying to be someone else. And i have these thoughts about body positivity too which tie in with my depression. I don't deserve to feel good, if I try to be positive about the body I have today I'm giving myself excuses and acceptance that I don't deserve. Anyway, sorry I'm rambling. I just wondered if anybody in here had any tips on achieving a bit more body positivity. One of the tests for the contenstants in the show was to spend 20 minutes each night looking at their naked reflection in the mirror and getting to know their body. Well that's what they said anyway, I thought I knew my body, I take it everywhere with me 😛. Right now, being positive about my body feels like this monumental task and if only I could acheive that then it could have such a positive impact on my life and general wellbeing overall. But I don't know where to start... Any ideas?
  4. "Be more positive" is brilliant, isn't it? I wonder what the hell people who say it expect. Do they think it's a pearl of wisdom that no depressed person has ever considered? Course, positivity is as much a double edged sword as negativity. A pessimist is never disappointed eh? Positive people must experience so much disappointment and failure, but I guess if you're more positive these things won't matter... Be great to stick a sheild like that up, be unaffected by your own brain and the things around you.
  5. I've tried several courses of prescribed anti-depressants, natural remedies, sessions etc. I've never had a medical diagnosis of depression and never been to see a mental health expert. I'm not likely to be in a position to see a mental health expert either, here in the UK funding for mental health support has been slashed and I can't afford to go private. I always have my doubts though. Well, may as well paraphrase from the "The way we talk to ourselves" thread. Pull yourself together. I'd never expect that of anyone else, I feel it. Depression can be exhausting, sometimes I physically ache, sometimes the most trivial and small things feel like the biggest challenges. We're not faking it. Course there'll always be people who'll think that people are faking it for attention, there'll also be people with so many symptoms of depression who refuse to acknowledge the possibility that they are depressed for whatever reason. Personal pride, avoidance of stigma, whatever. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. Or however anyone else in any of these threads is feeling. If we're faking it for attention, why the hell wouldn't we fake something more fun?!
  6. I know I'd never talk to anyone else the way I talk to myself. I know I won't forgive myself for things that I'd easily forgive others for. I know it's unfair and unhealthy to have such unreasonable expectations of myself, but I do anyway. I don't know why I do. I've known how wrong it is for such a long time but it still happens anyway. If I don't beat myself up I'm too easy on myself, I'm giving myself excuses that I don't deserve. I know it doesn't make sense.
  7. I guess with the old high school guidance counselor they might've felt inappropriate conversing with someone who was a client, as you were. I've dealt with a couple of counselors but not for about 10 years now (wow, how did that happen?) and there does have to be boundaries so it's not necessarily about showing true colours. I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with bullies, nobody deseves that. I was so lucky at school as far as bullying goes cos I am the kind of person who gets bullied, I'm introverted, low of confidence etc. I just wish all bullies understood the impact of what they do and say. Felt it.
  8. Quite takenaback by you saying that there's no truth whatsoever in different people finding different things attractive - that's a cold hard fact. How much evidence do you need? If it's such a concrete fact that women are "hardwired by evolution to prefer particular traits in men", why do lesbians exist? Why do men who don't have the strong jawline, broad shoulders and alpha personality still exist after thousands of years? Surely they'd have been wiped out by now. Handsome and ugly are both subjective. Sure there'll be people and traits I consider attractive that you don't and visa versa. How do people have different tastes and fetishes? There's nothing absolute about any of it.
  9. RichW

    Numb.

    Probably a thousand threads on here about feeling numb but course they've all got their personal aspects. Don't know what I'm hoping to acheive from adding another thread to the subject and selfish as it might be I'd rather this than be a burden to any of my friends or family. Just feeling pretty much empty right now. I've felt for a long time that my life is totally pointless and for the most part I've been fine with that. Sometimes better than fine, If life is pointless, that should take the pressure off shouldn't it? You can't lose. Something I've been struggling a bit more with lately is a general loss of interest. I haven't really felt passionate about anything for a long time. The things I used to do, the places I used to go, the people I used to know who meant so much to me at the time. Everything fades, places, things, people aren't what I thought they were for so long and I'm not who i thought I was. There are a few people who've been closest to me throughout my adult life who I barely hear from anymore and yeah people change, priorities change, the things that make us tick change but it doesn't make it any easier not to feel rejected. I don't know, just hard to envisage that the things that meant the most to me, the people who meant the most to me or I meant the most to ever being replaced.
  10. I'll never know for sure, but I can't see it making a major long tern positive difference. Yeah, it'd be nice to not worry about having enough money to get by but I'm a worrier, there's no shortage of things I can find to worry about and I think being rich would only become another. I'd end up suspicious of whether people want to know me for who I am rather than what I've got in the bank. I'd hate that, I've got no desire to be rich. Confortable would be nice.
  11. There's nothing true about that at all. Nobody's worth is based purely on their appearance and in any case there's no such thing as a unifined attractiveness, different people are attracted to different things, physical features, personal characteristics, shared interests etc etc etc - you must know that yourself? There's nothing black and white, cut and dry about human relationships at all.
  12. I'll never understand why people are like that. You'd think a shared interest would be a pleasure but it's nothing unique to gaming that people get so hateful. I'm not a gamer but of the online fandoms I've been involved in there's been so much oneupsmanship and so many cliques that act like velociraptors. If you do this or don't do that, you're not a real fan. It's easy to be abusive online though, if only people held the rule of thumb not to say anything to someone online that they wouldn't say to their face on the street, the internet would be a much nicer place. It was the title that brought me here anyway, I feel like I need better or new friends or a hobby too. Or maybe it's just me who needs to be a better friend. I dunno, I feel like right now I and some of the people I've been closest with for 15 years or whatever are in different places. There's nothing inherently wrong about it, people drift apart, people change, priorities change, that's life. But it doesn't make it any less hurtful when you're the one sending people messages and the replies take longer and longer to come. I can't help but feel rejected when people I used to see several times a week, I'm lucky to see every few months.
  13. You've made me think now. I was cycling home from work one night about 2 and half years ago and a car just shot straight across the junction and through me and didn't stop. Suffered ligament damage in my right knee and it's never going to be normal again. At the time I was in the best mental and physical shape I'd been in for years and I've declined a hell of a lot in both aspects since then. I've not considered PTSD and I'm sure it isn't, I haven't been having flashbacks to the hit and run or anything like that, I have cycled since but don't any more since my bike got stolen. Definitely become more easily angered by bad drivers. i've spent more time than I'd like wishing for karma to find its way to whoever it was who did it to me. It just really took the wind out of my sails at the time, although it wasn't my fault it was a real hit to my confidence. Took a decent while before I was able to walk properly again, I couldn't exercise for months and I fell back into the habit of comfort eating again, which I suppose could be my equivalent to your gambling addiction. I just feel like now the hit and run should've run its course as an excuse, there shouldn't be anything to stop me getting back into the mental and physical shape I was just before it happened. But I'm nowhere near it.
  14. Sorry for the super late reply. I've been married three and a half years, but I don't think that ought to matter too much. Not really had a conversation about it the point of the thread, just passing comments here and there really. My wife will often see people replying to this or that on my Facebook and ask who they are and I'll tell her and a little about them. She's met a fair few of my colleagues but not the one I was talking about in the OP although I think they'd get along quite well. I think part of the connection for want of a better way of putting it is a self-worth thing. I am too reliant on other people for self-worth and I know other people can be so unreliable. I'm having a bit of an issue with one of my oldest friends at the minute, we've gone from seeing each other every week to a handful of times per year. I used to be a priority to her but now I'm more of an afterthought. It happens, people and priorities change, I just wish it didn't leave me feeling like a failure of a human being when people who've been such a fixture in my life for so long drift apart.
  15. Well that's my relationship with food in a nutshell. I'm not sure if I fall into any ED category but in a way I think it'd be an odd kind of comfort if I did, that there's a recognised name for whatever I'm doing and there's helpful advice out there in dealing with it. As far as food goes, I've made the same mistakes more times than I could ever care to count. My brain associates junk food with comfort but at the same time I think my eating is a form of self-sabotage. I'll binge and I'll feel sick. I know the drill, time and time again. I'll gain weight, I'll feel disgusting but that's a comfort in its own way too to reaffirm your own feelings. I don't even know if I'm in the right section, I feel like I kind of understand why I binge eat but at the same time I wish I had the mental resolve to stop myself. Maybe I'd feel better about myself if I took more care of my diet and overall health, who knows. My weight has been all over the place for the past decade. At my healthiest weight I've felt like an impostor, as if wanting to be healthier is a superficial or insincere thing, as if it's something I don't deserve. When I'm bigger, that's just me knowing my place. I want to get over this and stop the destructive binge eating, I really do. I'm fully aware of the damage I'm doing myself, I just don't know how to stop.
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