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Everything posted by fishy86

  1. Ermm I had lots of therapy already, before the summer I was referred to a 'high intensity' worker but I didnt feel it was working as we didnt really connect and then I went away travelling. I dont really have the time or money for therapy - i work full time and do a crappy college course part time. I mean if I looked up different jobs I might get fired for looking for a new job or something as I am technically still on my probationary period. Plus, is anyone else realistically going tobe interested in employing me with 6 months work experience in a dead end essentially office junior type job, thats all ive got and im 29 in a few weeks :(. It really is just getting to the point where i do think just taking all my tablets may well be the only answer as I dont think ive gone more than 3 months ever in my life without feeling extremely hopeless and miserable ad just like a total failure.
  2. I work for a vehicle hire company in this really nothing admin position. Basically, people pay to rent a vehicle and my job is to tick a box next to the transaction in the bank account to allocate that money off to the reservation. i also stare at purchase orders which have a different amount to the invoice amount and ask people if it is okay to pay the difference. This is very very frustrating and boring as it involves a lot of waiting around for other people and i cant really do anything about it. The pay is bad and its just so mind numbing, plus my coworkers are very Biotchy. I also get handed all the really menial tasks that nobody else wants to do. It makes me feel like a total failure that I am stuck there doing that.
  3. I go in to my boring, menial, pointless job every day. I hate every second of it, my job is literally ticking boxes, and asking people if price differences are acceptable. I feel so pathetic doing this it really gets me down, the fact I screwed up so much of my education and life that I am now trapped doing this pointless admin job. This makes me very frustrated and angry/tense that I have zero responsibility and nobody takes me seriously. I admit in part this is because I do tend to 'messaround' and tell stupid stories which I make up, as I have about 6 hours of free time just sitting at the desk with nothing to do, apart from pointless things like laminating bits of paper for other people. I cantg exactly look for another job there as IT can see what we have been looking at online and I dont want to get into trouble and as I am 28, university drop out and 6 months work experience of doing this I wont be able to get another job anyway. As I am so unstimulated I day dream alot and come up with weird stories (i am really weird anyway for various reasons). My collegues probably find me very annoying and I know they are all very Biotchy as they are constantly Biotching about someone or other so I am rpetty certain they do it about me behind my back all the time. My coworkers are also very old fashioned and do not have time for anybody with addictions or mental health problems so I do not feel I could ever bring these issues up at work but both of these issues have lead me to ruin my life so what do I do? It is getting to the point that I can barely find the motivation to get up and go in, as I just hate being there doing nothing sooo much. I also tend to ask a lot of questions about the business and why they do things a certain way etc and this gets on my coworkers nerves, Being 28 and doing this job and living with my parents at my age is really getting me down. I really dont think I can really go on like this....
  4. Thank you for your kind words! I did think of writing to his mum but I felt like maybe I would be intruding on their lives (I havent seen his mum for about 20 years). I think a career counsellor would be a good idea but that sounds expensive and Ive had counselling before (for depression etc) and i didnt find it terribly worth it. I guess im struggling to even know what to do, as it stands Im really hating myself for messing up university so badly by just drinking all the time then dropping out in my final year. Now im stuck in this dead end badly paid mind numbling boring job just asking people to do menial boring tasks. I met up with an old friend from university who is very successful but io havent seen him in years. He kept asking me "do you remember when i used to try and drag you into lectures but you were always too drunk?' it wasnt great being constantly reminded why one of us has a proper job and the other is nearly 30 living with his parents on crap pay with zero prospects or future.
  5. hmm my main hobby is poi spinning (not many people are into it) but ive also been going to yoga for the last couple of months (only once a week though). Its gotten to the point where i am wishing away every second of every day. Ive also been fighting the temptation to just smash my car into a wall on a daily basis. All i can think about is what a pathetic joke of a failure i am.
  6. Also, as the office is such a toxic petty place to be, the person who used to do my job got signed off with depression and juist the other my boss said 'dont make the same mistake he made and get yourself signed off with depression for 3 weeks' she also makes comments about people with my hobbies 'arent like everyone else' and 'they dont normally want to work in offices' it seems like shes hinting i shouldnt be there....
  7. hmm Ive been on mirtazapine for months now(probably about 8 months of taking it consistently) it did help a bit to begin with but not so much anymore so i want to come off it ( I dont know what other kind of job I could do. I'm pretty useless as I spent a decade locked in a room drinking myself to death (no exaggeration) and as a result im very socially awkward and weird and very quiet and shy with virtually no skills whatsoever. but I constantly feel like I cant spend another second at my really boring monotous admin assistant job. It doesnt help that everyone else there is very self confident and it has a kind of 'macho' atmosphere... I am not at all macho so I really dont fit in.... i feel constantly on the verge of panic if i am there or thinking of going there but if i quit ill just beat myself up more telling myself im a total failure for not having a job etc but it looks like any job ill ever get will be crappy boring admin work so is there even any point looking for anything else?
  8. I was better for a while but recently i have begun telling myself what a waste of space loser i am. It doesn't help that i am stuck in this dead end job basically doing all the tasks nobody else in the office wants to do. my childhhod best friend died about a month ago, we werent friends at the time (i hadnt seen him in a few years) but i just kept thinking it should have been me rather than a young father with his family etc. i really dont know how much longer i can goon without ******* myself.
  9. Thank you for all of the replies. I do feel though that realistically though i shouldn't be going out with anyone though, too much of a mess :(
  10. I'm sorry... but i guess this is why its a bad idea too,, she always seems so fun and happy!
  11. Hmm I was briefly entertaining this idea... then I remembered that Im a pathetic loser who lives with his parents, has zero people skills, no prospects and works a s***ty temp office job at nearly 30 then I came to my senses and remembered why on earth would she be interested in me!
  12. hmm i suppose cus nothing will happen n it wont be fun getting all excited when i see her when nothing can happen
  13. Thank you for your replies. I guess its not the best idea after all. It kinda sucks though, i LOVE that shop, i dont go in very often though but still my heart jumps out of my chest every time i see her, time to find a new place i guess :(
  14. hmm im only going for a couple of months!
  15. ^^ i guess you are right. Like I said I havent had a crush on anyone for 7 years so this is pretty new to me! I ordered this floweriung tea, ive seen flowering tea a billion times but she watched it open with me and like a dumbass i watched it open with her and (badly) acted like id never seen it before! should i ask her out? i guess there are two things. One, its very likely shes not interested and is just being friendly then i looked like an ***** and its awkward and i cant go there anymore. Two, my life is a mess and ermm three psychologically I'm a mess. Oh and four im running away soon (well, going travelling to run away from my problems). So shall i just totally forget about it?
  16. Thank you for tactfully clearing that up! I just wondered cus when i went there with my friend, I awkwardly left and looked back n caught her looking at me and smiling, she was talking with her co workers but I had this bad feeling they were talking about me.
  17. hmm... this is just total wishful thinking but i ordered a desert... and she asked me if i wanted it heating up with cream etc n i said warm would be nice and she was like 'okay... ill go make you tea and desert' and kind of gave me this really sweet smile. I am reading waaay too much into that right? :P
  18. So theres this coffee shop I love. I rarely go there though. Anyway this is totally juvenile but I havent had a crush or anything on anyone for about 7 years. I am kinda developing a crush on this girl who works in the coffee shop though. Now I am aware that she probably gets asked out all the time or has guys trying to flirt with her etc etc. So my question is, do you think it is obvious I kinda have a thing for her? I cant talk to her without turning into a jibbering awkward mess and everything I say comes across as somewhat aloof perhaps? if so, how do I tone it down? I dont wanna be the awkward creepy guy who has a weird infatuation with the girl who works in the coffee shop but whenever I have to speak to her I just turn into a jibbering wreck!
  19. ... theres nothing at all good about temporary low paid agency work, office or otherwise. I wish I had a gun, I really do.
  20. thank you for being kind and encouraging but realistically its just not going to happen. My job isnt even a real job, its like a toy job. They dont trust me to do it right so I basically start something then ask someone else to finish it, like constantly, because they have never shown me how to do it. Its complicated but its a complete joke and it just leaves me wishing the time away until my contract ends because i hate being there (its more being treated like a ****ing child who cant be trusted to do anything more than the being there... and it does everyones heads inb when i ask for stuff to do constantly). How should i approach this? should i? or should i quit?
  21. Thank you I've been referred to this cbt therapy... I did have some sessions before but this new one is "high intensity" I guess my total and utter lack of any social skills whatsoever are stopping me and my outright weirdness don't help. Not to mention the very likely brain damage etc. I'm actually due to go through with this at the weekend so I guess at least it'll be over soon
  22. hmm thank you for all your replies everyone :) the drinking gradually has kind of fizzled out... the last time i drank alcohol was about 3 months ago but before that it was once every 2 weeks or so going back to about september which is great i guess cus i used to get extremely drunk every day. thats something i absolutely despise myself for. I guess the thing is with my job is the more im there i realise how badly ive ruined my life... nearly 30 and pretty much the bottom of the barrell. Im also terrible around people, i have no people skills at all because i locked myself in my room alone getting drunk for about a decade, I kind of found a suicide partner online and im thinking that day cant come soon enough.
  23. I dunno... a 'career' of some description, financiual stability, my own home... hell even a family of my own someday
  24. So I posted on here waaay back whgen. Basically saying about how ive ruined my life. Not much has changed (my intial post:http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/95982-hopeless/#entry1022568) except I now have a s***ty admin type job. I feel like ive really really ****ed up.... how on earth did i go from a good university to 28 living at home in a temp office job? I really feel like just quitting and doing myself in tbh....ive ruined my life by being such a loser so why drag it out any longer?
  25. I went to my doctor today and he finally agreed to try adding bupropion to my mirtazapine in the hope that it will help with the ridiculous appetite mirtazapine gives me. So now I am on 22.5mg mirtazapine and 150mg bupropion. Does anyone have any experience with this combination? will it help with the carb cravings?
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